me, canon digital rebel xt
I had a minor set back yesterday. I received news from a previous coworker/friend that she was pregnant. I didn't expect it to rock my world...but it did. In fact, I was the one that reached out to this person because I had a dream that she was indeed pregnant. So, in my naivete, I sent her an email with the question..."well, are you?"
When I sent it, I felt that I was in a really centered space. After my dream, I was happy for her and curious as to how her path of trying to conceive was going. As I said in my post yesterday, I haven't been all that emotional lately. My moanful cries have evolved into a tiny tear here and there and then I move on. My focus has been this grand new path of holistic healing and diet change. I thought I was totally prepared for her answer.
So, I was a bit taken aback that when I read her response "yes...I am due any day now", I felt as though I had been side swiped. Not by her, of course. She is so very innocent and incredibly kind. When I came to the realization that it had only taken her a few months to conceive, the flood began.
All these old familiar feelings of fear resurfaced. Well, not just fear, mind you. Anger, frustration, confusion. It was two years this month for how long my husband and I have been trying. That might not seem long to some, but to me...it has felt an eternity. Especially since it was a year ago when we began all the tests and procedures:
Blood tests, sperm tests, exams, ultrasounds, x-ray's, tubes and dyes up into my uterus, herbal teas, herbal tonics, 20 supplements per day, acupuncture, massage, meditations, hormones, intrauterine inseminations...GEEZ. Putting all of this energy into this process on a daily basis and then have it not work is outrageously unfair. Then there are those that sneeze and get pregnant (like my sisters and everyone else in my huge family).
I don't mean this to be a "poor me" post, if that is how it is sounding. I have never been comfortable with negative attention in my life. It just helps to see it all in writing and remind myself how far I have come and how much we have endured. It helps me not to be so hard on myself when I have what I am calling a "minor setback" in my emotions.
I have amazing support in my life and it always pulls me through. In fact, one of my dear friends that walked with me on this journey and is now 6 months pregnant is visiting for a few days. I am hoping that will put a brighter perspective on this journey. She went through all that we have gone through and more, and is now enjoying her swelling belly...finally.
Another friend on this journey told me yesterday that it always took her a few days to get over the news of a pregnancy. So, I know I am not alone with these emotions.
I'll get through it and come out on the other end stronger than before. I always do. Like I said, this is a minor setback but to be perfectly honest...it just sucks.