red bike, Victoria B.C., canon digital rebel xt
i want to leap onto this bike and
ride with the wind blowing through my curls,
to pedal out the pain, the anger, the doubt
and find a land where the grass is a vivid green,
the flowers are brilliant and fragrant,
the trees are pregnant with fruit
and where the ground is fertile,
so that when i step foot onto its soil,
the abundant layers will grow within my body
and wrap around my veins,
breathing life into my womb
until i am fertile too.
Yes...I am having a tough day. Emotions are raw. I just get so confused sometimes in the midst of trying to make sense of it all. Why is it that I am the one person in my large (very fertile) family that struggles with fertility. I waited years to find my true soul mate and to start a family. I wanted to wait to be a mother until after I had lived some adventures and sowed my wild oats. I wanted to be in the right headspace so that I could unselfishly give my child wings so that they could fly higher than even I did through life. And now this. I am being forced to wait yet again.
I have to find the blessings in the waiting. Waiting seems more difficult nowadays when fast food is shoved down our throats and emails are on our screens within seconds. Everything appears so rushed and patience wears thin among us all. We have forgotten how to wait. I feel this influence in our journey to conceive. I must remember that there are lessons in the waiting. Lessons that might not seem clear to me now but when our gift finally decides to arrive, I will look in our baby's eyes and nod my head in understanding.
A friend of mine always says "The journey is the destination". It is during the journey, not the destination where lessons birth themselves. During the waiting...the anticipation can be romantic, if we let it be. If we slow down, stop comparing our paths to other's and embrace the small, beautiful present moments.
Yes...there are lessons in the waiting but until this wisdom really sinks in, I am going to leap onto that red bike and go for a ride because my heart hurts and some fresh air will do me good.