Friday, March 30

feeling lighter

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt, (pendant by sarah of rustic relics)

Many of you asked me to send or post a picture of my new short hair. So, here it is folks! It might not be short to some of you but to me, it's totally minnie. I've had my hair almost down to my bum for nearly 10 years.

This is all part of new beginnings for me. A shedding of skin of sorts.

I wanted you all to know how so very grateful I am for your amazing affirmations and support via your comments on my previous post. I read them with tears in my eyes. Happy, warm, fulfilling tears. It feels so crazy wonderful that the steps of my journey can help inspire others to find the "roar" within themselves. It makes it all so worth it. Even if we are not walking on the same paths, we are not far from one another.

I think I'll come back to your comments often when I find myself slipping...just as a reminder.

It felt good to let out some frustrations. After writing that post, I found myself feeling so much lighter and not just from the 5 pounds taken off of my head!

Thank you for not judging and for accepting and embracing the myriad of ways my heart beats.

Wednesday, March 28

i am not broken

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

Yesterday and today I have felt really tender, a bit bruised in the heart. I know how to sooth this but I also know it takes time, so I am allowing myself to feel whatever it is I do in this moment in order to let it pass.

I've noticed this past year I haven't been as social as usual. I shy away from going out into groups or even one on one's. I haven't really taken time to analyze it much and come up with a specific answer as to why. I know part of it is that I've just been really busy and focused on my business. Some of it has been about me cultivating my friendships with people that live far away through phone calls and emails, where I didn't have the luxury to "go out" in order to see them. Yesterday, the main reason as to why I shy away from being social became pretty clear to me.

I was at my hair salon finally getting my hair cut short to my shoulders (pics to come in a later post). I had been feeling so at peace lately. Very strong. Very secure. Really on top of my game. I wanted to cut my hair as a symbol of letting go of old ways of thinking. I haven't cut it short in about 10 years...so it was time for a fresh new look and feel. My stylist was out on maternity leave, so I was at the mercy of another stylist who I didn't know. She asked me the typical get to know you questions and I readied myself for the "so, do you guys have kids?" one. When she asked me and I told her that we are trying, she asked me for how long. When I said "two and a half years", it was the look on her face that hit me as to why I am not as social as I used to be. She suddenly had this look of pity for me, for us and what we're going through. I heard her tone turn a bit softer and felt her hands work with my hair a bit gentler, as if I was going to break into pieces right there in her chair. I hate this. I really really hate this.

I don't want people (friends, family, strangers) to see me as broken. I am not broken. Just because I don't get pregnant from my husband sneezing on me doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. We've had all the tests and are able to get pregnant naturally and for some reason, it is taking us a while but even if there was something "wrong" with me, I still would not be broken. I choose to believe there is a deeper spiritual purpose to this all. That we are actually blessed because we've been able to nurture our marriage, our careers and really define who we are as individuals before our baby comes into our life. I choose to believe that even though our baby is not with us yet in the physical, that its spirit is near me always and therefor, I already feel like a mother. We are choosing to trust the timing. Everyone on this journey has their own way of dealing with it that feels right to them. There is no "right or wrong" way. We have chosen the holistic route and that feels right to us. Other people I have met (not all but some) that have done IVF or IUI wonder why we aren't going there. I need people to be patient with our choices.

I know I sound angry. I guess I am. And that's okay. I am letting myself be angry and I am letting the tears fall as I write this. I am not angry at any one person, nor am I angry at myself. I am angry at the idea that anyone would pity me. I know nobody has the intention to hurt or upset me. In fact, it is always the opposite. They come from a place of caring and wanting to fix this for me...but I don't need to be fixed.

I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is pity. I loathe it and it seems whenever I go out, there is always someone that looks at me like "oh you poor thing". So, I choose to not go there so that I can remain in the strong, confident place where I am. It seems some people cannot believe that I really do feel positive about this journey. Every once in awhile, I will get a comment here that says something along the lines of..."I know you're being positive but this must be hard, right?". Or if I am out with someone and they see that I am beaming, glowing and sharing all the lessons I've learned from this, they look at me like..."oh come on, you must be in denial, this totally sucks."

Comments like that do not help me. I don't need people feeling sorry for me. What I need is people to believe I can do this. That my husband and I can create life together. That my eggs and his sperm are healthy and when the time is right, they will join the cool and groovy way they were meant to. I need people to cheer me on and not try to get me to talk about hurtful feelings when I am in a positive place. I need people to accept that I am in a positive place and it doesn't mean I am in denial. I really am feeling positive and at peace.

I have had my dark and dreary days and for some reason, the further I go into this journey, the stronger I become. There are so many other amazing things happening in my life that I do not define myself as "the woman trying to conceive". I am so many other things in my life right now.

I am sorry I am not being very articulate. I am sort of using this post as a free writing exercise, I suppose.

A wonderful friend wrote me an email of affirmations the other day. She gave me a mantra to say out loud to myself:

"I am fertile. My ovaries produce healthy eggs. My womb is healthy. My eggs are ripe and open for fertilization. My mind, soul and body are open to receiving a fertilized egg. My womb is a harmonious home which is open to implanting my fertilized egg. My body is healthy. I am a mother whose baby is on it's way."

This is what I believe and this is what I need everyone in my life to believe for me.

I am so, so grateful for all the positive support and encouragement I have received here, from my family and my friends. I am just tired of the other stuff that comes my way that seems to set me back.

Today I need affirmations so that I can wash away the look of pity she had on her face yesterday as it seems to keep popping into my head.

Off to yoga...

Sunday, March 25

transformation waves

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

I seem to keep going back to this paragraph in the current book I'm reading:

"I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough - but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I am a few chapters ahead but I've dog eared this particular page. When I am about to go to sleep, I come back to this paragraph...again and again. This is one of the many things this journey to conceive has taught us about so many other aspects of our lives. My husband and I cannot get attached to any one outcome of this journey. We just have to go day by day, moment by moment, with no expectations. We choose to remain open to the lessons from the pain, the change, the transformations that come with it all.

I can see the wisdom of these lessons spilling over into our marriage, our relationships, our creativity and careers. These endless waves of transformation are helping who we are, what we do and what we represent to be constantly evolving. Not only with the idea of how our baby will come into our lives but with everything, really.

These "transformation waves" are for us, not against us but sometimes it is difficult to see this when you feel like you're drowning. We have the power to lift our heads up out of the water and coast the waves. We really do. We just need to be open to change and the idea that our lives may not always turn out the way we expect it to. Unpredictable. Just like the ocean.

Saturday, March 24

live simply

man at Pikes Place Market, canon digital rebel xt

My husband and I discovered some beautiful silver antique Chinese coins while on our honeymoon at this quaint zen shop and spa. There were five of them and each one had a Chinese symbol engraved on one side and a written message on the other. At the top of each coin there was a hole, to string them together and hang the coins where you can see them each day. This was to remind you of the messages they hold.

I had them hung in my studio near my computer for a few years but a month ago I had to pack everything away in order to paint and renovate. When I put my studio back together, I couldn't remember where I put the coins.

Today my husband and I went for a walk along the beach and then strolled across one of the piers. When we reached the end of the pier, I leaned the top half of my body over the railing to get a closer look at the turquoise waves crashing below. I looked over to my left to where the beach stretched for miles and watched the surfers do their dance. Feeling the cool ocean breeze through my hair and the warm sun on my face, I remembered how much the simple things in life, like this moment, bring me such peace and solitude.

I thought about how I can so easily forget this and how I tend to complicate my life sometimes. Being with mother nature always seems to ground me. I need to spend more time near the beach and in the woods.

I came home and while standing at the sink in my bathroom, I glanced down and saw something sparkle at me. It was the Chinese coins. They were in a little dish where all of my favorite necklaces are. They were right in front of me in the midst of all my colorful gems but I hadn't noticed until today.

It was a little confirmation that I need to simplify. The five coins say...

1. Free your heart from hatred

2. Free your mind from worries

3. Live simply

4. Give more

5. Expect less

Friday, March 23

Photo Friday ~ Sentimental

Izzy, Boho Photography

I am extremely sentimental. I still have my baby blanket from when I was born. It has holes and patches and even though its been washed, has an odd scent. It still brings up feelings of comfort and security.

In the picture above is my friends daughter Isabella (Izzy). She is holding her "Lamby". I have a feeling she'll keep this tucked away in her older years just as I do my blanket.

Do you have something you cherish from your childhood?

See other Photo Friday entries here.

Thursday, March 22

Thea (Thee-Ya)

thea & me, canon digital rebel xt

My heart is heavy and tears are forming as I type this. I was just talking to Thea on the phone yesterday, one of the closest, soul sister friends of my lifetime. I was asking her about her morning sickness, if she was showing and many other questions. I just went to her blog and I feel shocked. I feel so close to her journey that it's almost as if I was there with her when she got that call. I feel helpless as a friend living across the country. I want so badly to fly to New York and run a hot bath for her. Sit on the floor with my arms hanging over the tub, helping to sponge the pain away. Then hand her a glass of wine and wipe her tears with a warm cloth.

Her and her husband are so strong and brave on this journey of theirs for a healthy baby. I have learned so much from her as she's walked this path. Every day, a pearl of wisdom that she's given to me comes into my mind and heart to get me through this journey.

Please please go to her blog and give her some gentle, soothing love.

Also...can you spread some love to my dear friend Susannah as well? Her and her family are going through a tough time and I know she needs all the encouragement and wisdom we can muster.

I know I've been writing a lot about my friendships lately. I've always cherished them. Now more than ever in my life.

Wednesday, March 21

happy birthday seestor...

my sister pamela, self portrait

I've never ever been able to stop getting lost in her gorgeous eyes.

It's the celebration of her "day of birth" today, so lets give her some bloggie lovins. She's a busy gal and hasn't had time for blogging but perhaps someday she'll dive in when the time is right for her.

Fun bits about my beautiful sister:

She calls me "boochianna" and she's the only one that can get away with that.
She has a deep contagious laugh that lights up an entire room.
She has a classic beauty that is just as stunning with or without make-up.
She has a funky, yummy style (if you haven't noticed).
She's passionate in the kitchen.
She's a mother of three beautiful teenagers but by the looks of her, she had them when she was three. ; )
She's an amazing interior designer.
She knits the coolest scarves ever.
She cannot talk until she's had her coffee in the morning.
She threw coffee on a boy in high school that was messing with me (a huge football player, mind you...and she wasn't scared one bit).
She can be the life of the party or a wall flower depending on her mood.
She has a beautiful singing voice.
She's a foodie.
She taught me the importance of olive oil and how great it tastes on popcorn (with garlic).
She always smells yummy.
She likes playing with self portraits:

pammie, self portrait

She's a great many things...

She's my sister and friend and my love for her runs deep.

Happy birthday seestor.

Tuesday, March 20


Thea in Seattle, canon digital rebel xt

I totally love this picture of Thea. I caught her taking a picture in a funky yoga squat position (malasana pose) in the rain. It's classic and it goes to show you what us photographers go through to get a good shot!

I was in yoga class today and our instructor asked us to take a moment and think about something we are truly grateful for. Immediately, my girlfriends came to mind.

Yesterday I took a few steps back from the "loving of self" that I talked about in my previous post. I had misunderstood something one of my clients communicated to me and felt myself spiral down into self doubt. Within two seconds I went from feeling fabulous to totally unfabulous (if that is not a word, it is now). You know what "two seconds" I'm talking about. It took something little and something that actually wasn't even true for me to forget all that I have been learning and fall back into an old pattern of thinking.

I dialed a girlfriends number in tears and doing what girlfriends do best (which is remind us how kick ass we are), I took a deep breath and ROARED. She cheered me on (with imaginary pom poms) and reminded me of who I am. She even made me say out loud some things I thought were cool about myself. That's not easy to do but it really does feel fantastic.

We all go there...and its not a pretty place but there are ways to pull yourself out and reaching out to close friends is one of them!

So, I spent my time in yoga today concentrating on all the extraordinary friendships I have in my life and how grateful I am for their unconditional, non-judgemental, free flowin' love.

Speaking of...do take a look at my gorgeous friend Susannah's photo store "Unravelling" that she just launched. She's selling some delicious prints that I cannot wait to hang in my home.

Friday, March 16

vivid colors

poppy at balboa park, canon digital rebel xt

I've been loving the first few pages of Eat Pray Love, my friends. I can see why you all cherish her story. I think we all can look back on our life and remember vividly those "ah hah" moments where we knew a big change needed to happen. In retrospect, I can see such raw growth from these decisions. Mostly derived from pain or being way out of my comfort zone. Whether it was the ending of a relationship, a big move across the country alone, a trip across the world (again alone) or a huge career change...they've all molded me into the person I am today and for that, I am so grateful.

This current journey I am on isn't any different. I am still in awe of the lessons I learn each day while walking this path. I don't think I've ever loved myself as much as I do now. I am not talking about an ego-centric, narcissistic love. I mean learning to stop judging my thoughts and feelings. Being more gentle with me. More patient with my needs. More forgiving of my faults and accepting of my weaknesses. More true to myself and therefore, more true to my loved ones.

Even in those moments when I almost stop believing...I hear that still small voice of a little girl named Denise saying that I can do this. I can do this book called life and I can do it draped in vivid colors. Keep moving, keep dancing, keep picking myself up if I fall.

Moving Forward. Open. Free. Love.

I have a feeling that is what happens on Elizabeth Gilbert's journey in her book. She learns how to fall in love with herself all over again. No wonder we all crave this wisdom and experience.

I'll share more thoughts as I dig deeper into her words.

Wednesday, March 14

Letha the Brave...

letha sandison & me in Seattle, photo by susannah

I've known Letha since I was 10 years old. That means she's been one of my best friends for 25 years. I don't mind dating myself, btw...I am proud to be in my thirties! *smile*

It's always blown me away how parallel our lives have been throughout our friendship. It could be as simple as getting the same haircut without knowing it (every time), to as huge as marrying men that have such similar personalities, it's freaky.

I remember cuddling up to Letha on her bed when we were teenagers and gazing around at all of the beautiful dolphins surrounding her bedroom. She had a spiritual connection to them and she always led me by my hand into the magic of their meaning. She had candles, crystals, angel cards and books on spirituality (before it all became the hip thing to do). Letha's always been a deep thinker and self~evolver. She has taught me so much throughout my life. She is one of the most loyal friends I have ever had. Whenever I have had huge things happen in my life, she was right there with a phone call, a long hand written letter, a package full of healing remedies...you name it. We've been apart for over 10 years now while she's been in Washington and me in California but we make sure to visit as often as we can.

I am writing this because my heart is full of excitement and anticipation for her. At this moment, she is walking the dirt roads of Kampala in Uganda, Africa. She is visiting for 10 days to lay down roots since her and her husband will be moving there in a few months for about five years. I just finished reading one of her long emails to our tribe detailing her days there. It is such a trip to see her dreams unfold. Dreams she has shared with me all her life. She's always wanted to make a dynamic difference in our world with her gifts and both her and her husband are doing just that. Reading it, I had tears of joy in my eyes. My Letha...the one who did a dance routine for me in the 80's to the song "Shock the Monkey", is over in Africa, starting up a non-profit organization. She will be building a housing community with Habitat for Humanity and hire Ugandan women to sew her clothing designs so that they can make more money to take care of their families. She is also going to teach Art Therapy to children with cancer at the hospital where her husband will be working to save lives.

I am so proud of her for sacrificing the pampered life we can all lead to living in a place that only has power and water every other day. She's one of the most brave, inspiring, beautiful women I know.

With all of this excitement comes the fear of the unknown. This is all so HUGE and I know she has her moments of feeling scared and vulnerable. This is where you come in. If you are also jazzed and inspired by her story, could you go to her blog and send her some words of encouragement, wisdom and support? I know it would be a pleasant surprise and much appreciated on her journey. Thank you all...

Tuesday, March 13

eat. pray. love.

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

i finally have this book in my home.

i definitely love to do all three of those things with a passion:

and love.

i look forward to how her story will inspire me. i can already feel that i resonate with her spirit. i would love to hear your thoughts on this book (without giving too much away, of course).

i know i'm a little bit behind in reading this but when i hear of a life altering book, i make sure to be in the right head space to embrace it.

Monday, March 12

baby mojo

this weekend's family portrait session,
boho photography

Last night, while still dressed up from our night out, I was picking up the kitchen while my husband wrapped his arms around me from behind. He kissed my neck and said..."you're so yummy". He then stepped back and said, "I don't know why but you really look like a mother right now". Some women may have rolled their eyes at that compliment or perhaps not taken it as a compliment at all but I found myself feeling extremely beautiful and sexy when hearing that.

This fertility journey does wonders on a woman's self esteem and/or self worth as the most basic function for us is not working "properly". They are all lies of course but it messes with us, nonetheless. With everything else I have questioned, I have also wondered at times whether or not my husband can even see me as a mother at all after what we've been through. So, needless to say it felt wonderful to hear him say that.

I had a family portrait session with twin boys this weekend. I wondered how I would feel in their presence. I wondered if it would bring up all these sad emotions. On the contrary, it did the opposite. It was pure joy being around them and all the baby mojo they were giving to me. I loved the smell of their skin. I left feeling even more confident that this is a path, among all the other paths in my life I have chosen, that feels so right to me.

Saturday, March 10

boho boy & his mother, canon digital rebel xt

boho boy, canon digital rebel xt

Boho Boy's mother is in town. She's been heavy on our hearts since Boho Boy's father passed away a few months ago. It felt so good to have her near and take her to some places today that are special to us. Places where she got a sense of our way of life. I loved sharing specialty tea with her in my favorite coffee house by the sea...then taking a walk down to the beach. I watched her breathe the ocean air in deeply and I knew when she sighed, she was missing Leonard. We all were but his spirit was with us. A few times I almost smelled the smoke from his pipe trailing behind us but I kept it to myself. I'm so in awe of how well she is taking care of herself through this and using this experience as an opportunity for growth. There is a peace in the tone behind her words and I know it is because her partner is no longer in pain. I looked at this picture of both her and Boho Boy and imagined the sun flare was Leonard's vibrant spirit, forever dancing around us.

Friday, March 9

looking deeper

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

I haven't been afraid to look deeper into myself lately...into the places that I need to pay more attention to. Some places are beautiful, confident and free, others are dark, insecure and afraid.

I've been visualizing myself hugging my inner child when the harsh voices that want to distract me from my dreams become too loud. My inner child is a fighter and knows she can do anything she sets her mind to. It is those negative voices that try to hush her out. Me paying more attention to her has allowed them to fade. She helps me feel more brave.

I have a lot to work on because looking deeper within myself is hard but it feels so good to be more awake. I thought about this in yoga today. As I bend, stretch and hold difficult poses, my body hurts. It's hard work but then for the remainder of the day, I walk faster, pick up things stronger and breathe easier. It is the same with our heart and our soul. It takes work to make them healthier and it might hurt while in the process but at the end of the day, you feel lighter and loved...and paid attention to.

Thursday, March 8


my studio, canon digital rebel xt

"Before any garden can be seeded, the ground has to be prepared. The rocks and weeds need clearing, the earth has to be turned and the nutrients introduced.
Starting a business is the same way. You have to clear the clutter from your life, internally and externally. You have to create the right environment to be able to grow your vision."

~ Lynne Franks, The Seed Handbook. The Feminine Way to Create Business

This is what I've been doing every day, all day for the past week. Preparing the ground for my business.

Here is my new sage studio (at least my half...I didn't take pics of Boho Hubs desk on the other side). I feel a sense of renewal that I've been longing for. When I walk up the stairs to the loft, I stand, stare and sigh. It feels so fresh up here. I can almost feel soft wind blowing through me.

I've needed this clearing for so long. My studio, the space where I spend most of the hours during my day, was stacked with clutter and therefor, so was my brain. I needed more space, more organization, more femininity, more zen.

In the Seed Handbook, I have underlined "It is so important to create a living, vital space that reflects your energy".

Here it is folks, my space, my energy...

My apologies for the dark tones of these pictures. The lighting is very soft rather than bright up here. Click for larger view:

center desk

vintage door hanging above

my clothes closet to the right

printing section

arches & book shelf (made by boho boy)

view walking up stairs (yes, i have that much bubble wrap!)

Tuesday, March 6

self portrait challenge ~ online tools {1}

self portrait, canon digital rebel xt & movie poster by Flickr
~ click for larger view~

Okay, I had way too much fun with this month's new self portrait challenge using online tools. ; )

It felt so good to take a bit of time off from transforming my studio space and create online again. After I purged and cleaned my studio up in our loft, which took far longer than anticipated, we finally painted this weekend. The walls are a soothing sage color. The energy in the room has altered to something a bit more zen, more free, more creative, more whimsical. As soon as we put my new desk together and I started redecorating, I've received a few more orders and a cool portrait session. I had a feeling once my studio space emulated the peace I feel inside, that goodness would start to unfold for my business.

I want to thank each of you for your love and support this past weekend. I needed some time to hush and just be with all my emotions. I felt you all circling around me, lifting me up. I have felt that for quite some time. I know many of you have expressed that you feel you are on this journey with me as you watch each cycle unfold. I believe so strongly in the power of circling together. When our baby does come, just know you will be part of the miracle through your words, your prayers, your intentions, your visions, your dreams and your offerings. I walk this journey more firmly because of your reminders. Please know I am grateful beyond words.

I went to yoga today for the first time in far too long. I plan to go at least three days a week now. I think I've been avoiding it because as much as I feel so fabulous afterwards, during the class I usually break out into tears at least once. Some of the poses really open my heart chakra and I feel a flood of emotions. I am making a choice to not be afraid of this opening...because it is what I need to move forward, to grow, to accept, to learn on this journey. We as human beings all need to allow this openness, this transformation within us.

I am reminded of my first appointment with my acupuncturist when she gently rested her hand on my chest and said "You have opened up your heart to your husband and now you need to open it up to your baby." Tears flowed down my cheeks when she said this. I felt a release there or perhaps it was more an awareness of the tightness I held in my heart and when I released it, the flood gates opened. This is what happens to me during yoga, every time.

Friday, March 2

all girl

my closet, canon digital rebel xt

I'm writing this tucked into the warmth of my bed in the wee hours of the morning. A steaming cup of dandelion root tea with almond milk is by my side as my laptop rests on my lap. Oh, and I cannot forget my kitty curled up at my feet keeping them toasty warm.

This week I've tried something new. I've been getting up early with my husband. I used to sleep in a few hours after he left for work but I seemed to wake up in a fog with not enough time in the day to do all I had hoped. So, now he brings me a steaming cup of tea, kisses me on the forehead and wakes me up gently. So far it's been wonderful and I feel much more satisfied at the end of the day. Not to mention I am knocked out by 10pm.

I hesitated sharing what I am about to share here on my blog but I need to chronicle this so that I can look back in retrospect and see clearly why all this happened.

This month was a perfect month on our journey to conceive. I ovulated on valentines day (per my computerized fertility monitor thingy). My husband and I both went to acupuncture that day, which is rare because lately its just me that goes. Afterwards, we took our Volkswagen bus to a private little beach cove. With some wine and a tea light burning, we made love like teenagers anticipating a police officer tapping on the window with a flashlight. It was romantic, spontaneous, dangerous and so us. Everything from that point transpired as it should. I followed my diet strictly, I went to acupuncture again, I felt implantation pains in my abdomen around the time a fertilized egg would be burrowing in my womb and a few days ago, I even got a faint "positive" line on a pregnancy test. I took all this information to Dr. McMiracle and he also detected the pregnancy hormone and said my body is ready for a healthy pregnancy. Everyone at the docs office was excited but knew it was a bit early to be 100% sure and to hug and say congratulations.

I tried to remain hopeful and not get consumed with the fear and anxiety that seems to want to steal my joy. I poured myself into purging my studio. Corner by corner, cleaning, throwing out, giving away, packing away everything to ready the room for painting the walls, including my closet of clothes. I usually have pretty awful PMS but I hadn't felt any of it this past week...until late last night. I felt that pressure on my brain and the overwhelming sadness. I cried hard into my pillow before bedtime. I know my body well. As much as I didn't want to believe, I felt my cycle coming. And it did. In the middle of the night.

I thought if this happened, I would be devastated. Last night in my pillow, I felt angry, confused, hurt but mostly angry that all these signs were a cruel joke to play on such a hopeful and wanton couple. This morning I feel okay...surprisingly okay and even a bit refreshed after a good cry and a few hours of letting myself wallow.

When I want something, REALLY want something in my life, I stay committed and it's always happened, just not always at the time I expect it to (or the way I expect it to). I feel that commitment deeply. I will never give up on our goal to bring a baby into our life. With this journey, I have found strength in me I never realized was there. It seems to renew itself even stronger with each cycle that comes.

I am remaining in a state of gratefulness. I have to. If I want this, I have no choice but to be open to the lessons, the connections, the beauty that comes along with all the pain. I refuse to let the sadness control me. I've done that before and it hasn't served me well.

So, today I am going to treat myself. I am going to take myself out on a date to see the film "The Queen" at our local independent film house. I'll buy a little bag of popcorn (that I am not supposed to be eating) and enjoy every morsel. This is always the one day when I cheat! I deserve it.

I will then pour myself into my studio project over the next few days. Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet. The picture above is of some of my clothes hanging. I laugh at how feminine they all are. I love sheer fabrics, layers, embroidery and all the shades of taupe, pinks, whites, etc. There was a time in my life when I tried to be a tom boy but I've definitely given into to the fact that I am ALL GIRL. Anyways, I digress.

I have no idea physically why this happened. I will choose to look at the positive in that we did fertilize an egg, which it hasn't been this clear whether or not it has happened before. My body is readying itself and is able to do this and that is what I am going to believe and focus on.

Now its time to put on some of my cute clothes and celebrate my popcorn day!