Chronicles of Me

new digs*

2009-01-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

the boho family, photo by tara whitney

Dearest ladies and gents,
It was indeed time for a transformation, so my blog has moved to the following new digs...

Chronicles of Me ~ Part Deux

Do add this new address to your bookmarks or blog lists:
http://bohophotography.blogspot.com/

I'm so thrilled about this new adventure.
Hope to see you there!

our boho kitties rock!

2009-01-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

elvis (left) and amber (right) protecting while cedar naps

amber (left) and elvis (right) discussing cedar's dance moves

We had no idea how our kitties would respond to Cedar. They have been our children for years and to introduce them to a new baby brought up concerns for us in a big way. Our kitties slept with us, cuddled on the couch, followed us wherever we went and so I wondered if all of this would stop, if they would run away or just ignore Cedar and be annoyed by his cries.

What ended up happening was so beautiful. At first Amber was the one to be nurturing right away. She went up and sniffed him and laid near him on that first night bringing him home. With the bassinet right up against my side of the bed, she would lay near it and constantly look in to see if he was alright. Elvis reacted differently. At first he hissed and ran away from him. It was as if he thought Cedar was another cat there to steal his food and cushy blankets all around the house. We noticed Elvis looked annoyed and frustrated with us. I was so worried he'd just take off one day, so we tried to give our kitties as much attention as possible. Then, about a week after Cedar was home, Elvis started laying a bit closer to him each night. He would walk up and smell him rather than turn away when we brought Cedar into a room. Most recently, he lays near Cedar and places his paw somewhere on his body and purrs.

The cutest thing is that both Amber and Elvis are really protective of Cedar now. Each of them grab a side to snuggle on and they look at one another as if they are discussing what the babysitting plan is (I captured it in these two photos).

My favorite part of the week is during the weekend when we all try to stay in bed as long as possible and all four of us are cuddled near one another. We call it the "family bed" and I must say, I am totally blissed out on those mornings.

Cedar loves to watch them but I have no idea if he has registered the difference between a human and a cat as of yet. One time when Amber was snuggled near him, he squealed when looking at her up close and flailed his arms to where he whacked her in the face. I thought she was going to jump off of the couch but rather, she just turned her body in the other direction and was so very patient with him.

I am curious what your experiences have been with your children and pets, or other peoples children and your pets, or other peoples pets and your children or if you just want to talk about your pets. ; ) Do share.

loved baby*

2009-01-14T20:20:00.001-08:00

cedar's bum, canon 50d

I know I've been a wee bit quiet.

There's been a shift here in our home. Since I am still truly in it, I am struggling to find the words to express what is happening but I am sure once I allow more time for reflection, the words will come. Right now I don't want to try to make sense of it. It just feels like some fears are subsiding. Blame and shame are not getting much attention. Expectations are hushing. My heart is opening wider. My love is growing deeper. I am lost in him. Totally utterly lost in how I want to meet his every need and rock him to sleep and talk to him about my life and dream with him and sit still with him and listen to music and dance with him.

I am marinating in this. I know I have always had a big heart but I didn't realize how much of it was reserved for this little guy.

Such a loved baby.

sunrise*

2009-01-10T17:39:00.001-08:00

cedar, this morning at 7 weeks, canon 50d

dear sweet son,
you teach me to sit in stillness and watch the sunrise.

love,
mommy

squam art workshops 2009*

2009-01-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

christine, swirly and kelly rae at squam 2008, canon digital rebel xti

Last year, I shared the life altering experience I had at Squam both here and here. Since, I am still evolving and growing and moving forward with so much of what I learned about myself, my dear friends and the new lasting friendships I made there. One of my dearies called it a "Soul Picnic" and how perfect of a description that is.

Well, it's happening again folks and this time TWICE...both in June and September of 2009. I am hoping to somehow make it work that I can be there in the Fall because I cannot for the life of me imagine missing out on the absolute juicy goodness that is this magical place. Not only is it peaceful and gorgeous and nature at its best...but to be surrounded by such soulful, loving, accepting, unique women (and a few brave men) in one place just rocked my world.

My dear friend, Elizabeth...the Queen of and Creator of Squam, wrote this letter on the Squam blog and I wanted to share it here with hopes that you too will be inspired to partake in the next Soul Picnic of a Lifetime if you're able::

{preview of documentary "Who Does She Think She Is?"}

Okay, trumpets please, the first big announcement of 2009 is that we will be showing the film "Who Does She Think She Is?" at both the June and September sessions.

Woot.

But wait, it gets better. Director Pamela Tanner Boll will also be on hand at the September screening to discuss the film and to answer your questions.
And, she will be with us for the whole weekend and taking classes, too.

If you are not familiar with the film, it was made by the same producing team that won an Academy Award for Born Into Brothels.

"Who Does She Think She Is?" examines some of the most pressing issues of our time: parenting and work, partnering and independence, economics and art. The film follows five women artists as they navigate the economic, psychological, and spiritual challenges of making work outside the elite art world.

Here's what some of our country's leading newspapers had to say about the film:

from The New York Times: "Calmly directed by Pamela Tanner Boll, "Who Does She Think She Is?" is about answering the call to self-expression in the face of biological imperatives and cultural programming." (October 17, 2008)

from The New York Times: "The new film, "Who Does She Think She Is?," provides a nuanced look at the sacrifices and challenges facing female artists who become mothers." (October 14, 2008)

from The Wall Street Journal: "Why are there so many women in art school, but a tiny percentage represented in major galleries? Why does a woman have to choose between having a family and practicing her art? What are some of the hurdles that women face in the art world? These are a few of the questions filmmaker Pamela Tanner Boll tackles in her new documentary, "Who Does She Think She Is?" (October 17, 2008)

Needless to say, I am chuffed and thrilled and honored that this will be available to you at SAW this year.

Bisous, Elizabeth

gentler...

2009-01-07T22:48:00.001-08:00

cedar, canon 50d

I love how when I am open about the messy bits in my life,
that healing weaves its way into the story.

Today was gentler than yesterday.
It was more quiet and soothing. Him and me. Me and him.
We gazed at one another while I told him stories.
Not in a baby voice, but my me voice...
And I shared some of the journey that brought me to him.
He listened intently.
We danced in my studio to Libera until he fell asleep nestled in my neck.
Then we laid together just breathing.

I read him your stories...
the ones where you all came and circled us, told us we weren't alone,
wrapped your arms around me and my babe and, held our hands and nodded with understanding. Oh how this transformed our spirits and made sense of it all.

Tonight we had a moment that I needed but didn't realize I needed.
It was quiet. Boho Boy was asleep. Me and Cedar alone on the couch.
Him on my chest. He wiggled his face up towards mine, sleeping...like a cherub.
My heart felt so full of love that it hurt...but a good hurt.

And it all came flowing into me as I allowed myself to truly see him.
Then there was something I couldn't see but feel...
Like the wind.

"You're the one I've been waiting for...".

rookie mom*

2009-01-06T16:58:00.001-08:00

I remember so, so many times over the past four years of my fertility journey I would gather up all the strength I had to get out of the house and bring myself to the beach for a healing walk by the shore. Then, as I walked, I would pass adorable family after adorable family and it would break my heart. I would see cute mothers riding their cute strollers with their cute babies and as I would look away to watch the waves crash instead, I would think..."some day that will be me." It's amazing how much that longing consumes you when you are given the idea that you may not ever experience it.

So many tears streamed down my face behind my sunglasses on those days. So many times I would look down and just watch my feet walking forward in the sand so that I wouldn't have to see those moms and feel that heartache. I never once thought that any of those mothers may be having their own world of struggles. I never once thought that this day for them is their one day they are able to get out of the house for some fresh air and that walking in the sand is their sanity, their place of reconnecting with themselves.

I wish I would have known then, what I know now. That way, I might have looked a bit deeper into their story and had seen many mothers who perhaps looked at me with longing..."there she is all by herself on the beach, only responsible for her, so much free time, free time...how I long for what she has." I think it would have helped me to know that during those walks on the beach, I too was holding something so valuable but I was often too depleted and saddened to see it.

Today I took Cedar to the beach alone for the first time. It was early in the morning and my favorite beach is about a 25 minute drive away. I had been looking forward to this moment for years. It was my turn, right? My day on the beach with babe dream coming true.

Well, he cried a lot of the way because there was one burp that decided to wedge itself into his gut about 10 minutes after I put him in the car seat. Damn...I thought I got all of those burps out before we left! So, by the time we finally arrived, he was angry and not at all his Zen self able to appreciate fresh ocean air. I thought for sure once I got him in the stroller and walking, he would doze off into baby-la land. Well, the dirt road down to the beach is pretty intense. Its steep, with a lot of rocks and bumps. How would I know this because I've never needed to take it? I always took the stairs. So, as I took the stroller down the road, holding onto dear life so that it didn't tip over, he totally starts wailing. Wait! I never saw babies cry on their way down to the beach! I thought for sure once we get to the sand, he'd stop...but he didn't, so I decided he must need the rest of his bottle. There was an issue. The sand was damp and wet...you know, like winter beach sand but whatever. I laid my blanket out, plopped myself down and held him to feed him. Oh my...the sun was in his eyes and I didn't have a sun hat for him. So, I am sitting in the middle of the beach, on a blanket with a newborn and my bum getting soaking wet and all these people walking by are looking at me like I am a total rookie and haven't a clue what I am doing. He was wet and cold and annoyed and I was ill prepared. I felt myself on the verge of just bursting into self pity tears but then I took a deep breath and showed him the waves while he finished his happy juice. I propped him up on my chest so that I could put my other hand over his face to block the sun and we finally had our moment of Zen.

After this, I walked him for a bit (see video above) but then quickly got into the car so I could change him (who knew that strollers make you spit up all over everything) and then head home. I thought I was okay but then half way home I just burst into tears. I tried to figure out where all the emotion came from and then I remembered. All those times I walked on the beach longing for what I have now and here I was, having that dream moment and in all honesty, it was totally awkward and uncomfy and I just wanted to go back home. I realized that I had a certain expectation of how it was supposed to be and was trying to live up to that expectation today but failed miserably.

The drive home was a cycle of remembering the pain of my longing for so many years, then feeling guilty for being annoyed by all that transpired and then forgiving myself for having very normal feelings that all new mothers have. I'm trying to find my groove, my center, my Zen, my ability to let go...and I know that will take time.

I cried more today on the couch and I am just letting myself cry. This is a lot. Going from (in)fertility to adoption and the myriad of emotions in between...its just a lot to take in and work through. Thank goodness Cedar-love has the patience of a saint and that we are head over heals for one another. We'll figure it out together.

I'd love to hear stories like I just shared with you. A day when you took your babe out and it was just a comedy of errors. It would help me to not feel so isolated and alone with it all.

total baby nerdness*

2009-01-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

My sisters, nieces and I have this "Voice" we use to talk to our pets and when we all get together, we exaggerated it with one another. Sometimes, when we're talking on the phone and one person is having a rough time, one of us will talk to the other in this Voice and it always ends in laughter. Total medicine for the girls in my family...and the boys just roll their eyes. I think its because they're jealous since they just can't get the Voice right.

So, I made this video of Cedar right after he woke up and had his bottle. It is for his Auntie Darlene because, well...she is the creator of the Voice and I am using it here to talk to him.

I must forewarn you that if you're not in the mood for total baby nerdness, then...you might want to skip the video. ; )

eight belles*

2009-01-02T22:14:00.001-08:00

boho baby cedar & owlie, canon 50d

Owlie, a gift from true and lovely Amy, was the first stuffed friend that Cedar reached for when I placed it near him. I think Owlie carried with him the soft, sensitive, thoughtful, deep, oh so deep of a soul that Amy herself embodies. These are qualities I feel pouring forth our son and it doesn't surprise me that he was attracted to her spirit so easily.

I also wanted to share Amy's music with you. Dim the lights, light some candles, close your eyes and take deep breaths as her melodies swim through your soul. She transforms the heart with her unique voice and lyrics. They will find you either laying in the sand or grass looking up at the stars, sitting in a cafe in Paris people watching and spilling in your journal...so many places she takes me in my mind. I cry. I laugh. I revel. I dig deep. I dream. I long. I breathe deep. I question. I soar. I accept. I let go. I embrace. I sit still. I feel.

And she has become a dear soul friend in my life. One of those friends you feel you've known in another life and you connect in this one with chills and an honor already nurtured and new memories to unfold. Effortless and true.

Eight Belles...do open your heart and listen. Your life will change...and it will be good.

{album photo by jesh de rox}

to a new year of crushes...

2008-12-31T22:12:00.000-08:00

cedar, five weeks ~ canon 50D

each step of our journey has led us to this beautiful boy.
we are totally crushed out in love.
puddy.
grateful.
dweebed out new parents, kickin' it on the couch in our pj's tonight.
totally reveling in cedar~ness.

we wish you a new year of crushes and puddiness and adventures galore and risk taking and open arms and gut hurting laughter. a year of totally believing in who you are and loving every juicy morsel of you and showing up to all of us so we can revel in your gifts.

tell me what your gift is that you know down deep you have and that you feel ready to give life this year.

start here.

shell shocked ~ {updated}

2008-12-30T18:10:00.001-08:00

shell shocked boho, self portrait

I was going through my plethora of photos from Christmas and when I stumbled upon this one, I laughed out loud. The concept of laughing out loud when you're alone has always been curious to me...because it must be REALLY funny or trigger something deep for you to laugh when no one can share it with you.

The day I took this photo I was feeling all mixed up inside...and it shows. Not only in the dark circles under my eyes (hello...no touch ups here) but also in the expression on my face. I thought I gave a slight smile when I took this but in reality, I just couldn't find the energy to even smile for myself in the mirror.

On this day I was consumed with guilt because I was struggling with how I felt the night before. Boho baby has had some digestion issues (that I think this week we have finally figured out) and it has kept us up at night, all night. I know some people that can be woken up out of a deep slumber and be fully conscious (and dare I say joyous) and I am learning that I am not one of them. Although, my husband comes from this planet (which worsens the guilt for me that I don't). I am a total day person. Even without much sleep, once I wake up, I am AWAKE and energetic and present but I have never been a night person (ask my night owl sisters and mother that can chat until 3am when we get together and I head to bed at 11am). So my struggle about this topic is that when I hear him crying at night, I want to hand him to my husband, so I can crawl under the covers and get my sleep. I didn't expect to feel this way. I thought since we struggled for over four years to conceive that once I finally had our dream baby, I'd leap around the house joyful at 3am in the morning to give him a breast or bottle (okay, that's pushing it but youknowwhatimean). I also never thought I'd be brave enough to write about this struggle. Because I know that beautiful souls out there that read my blog read it because they resonate with our journey to conceive...and are longing for a baby and the LAST thing they want to hear is that I am struggling to wake up in the middle of the night to feed mine. I know this because I have read those posts from friends or strangers in the past and it made me want to strangle them (well, not really but almost).

I guess I am sharing this because I always want to keep it real and I am also trusting that my readers know my heart enough to know how very much I love my baby and appreciate every morsel of him and that my struggle has nothing to do with that.

In sharing all this, I want to be sensitive to my beautiful soul readers that are still on that roller coaster journey to conceive the way I needed people in my life to be sensitive to me. I came home from adopting our child just assuming (or more so hoping) that since I didn't carry him in my womb for nine months and birth him, that it would be easier for you to read stories and see photos of my baby. I was hoping the fact that I adopted him would give you hope and not cause you pain and longing like it would if I was pregnant with him.

But the night before this photo above was taken, another thing happened that shook me back into a space that I thought had left me five weeks ago before Cedar came into my life. And this space has created an awareness of those tender souls reading my blog and how they are effected by what I write...even though he is adopted.

I was curled up on our hotel room bed on Christmas night. Cedar was sleeping near me. Boho boy and Boho brother were at the table chatting. I opened up my laptop and decided I needed some comic relief and when I need that, I go to Dooce...our founding Mother of blogging. I scrolled down her page to see a photo of her with her shirt tucked above her belly with a teeny tiny bulge (and I mean teeny tiny) with the subject "14 weeks". My first initial reaction was joy because I know she had openly written about her miscarriage last year and I was thrilled that she felt confident and safe to share this current pregnancy with her readers. But that annoying feeling of something punching me in the gut followed suit. That familiar, deep center-shaking feeling that I will most likely never know what it feels like to have a little being grow inside of me. It totally freaked me out that I felt this way. I was shell shocked. I had felt healed from this since Cedar came into my life. What the heck?

It was then that I looked over at Cedar, touched him, hoping that his soft skinned, baby smelling, yummy self would heal the wound that just surfaced but what happened was that I ached because I never felt him grow in my womb and I have NEVER wanted to admit that. But here I am...admitting it. Sometimes when I stare at him, that reality is hard and it comes with a myriad of complex emotions. For the most part, it quickly fades when I think about how outrageously miraculous our story to finding him is and how grateful we are to K and T for gifting us with our son.

But this night the punch in my gut didn't fade and I knew that meant I just needed to get it out, let it flow, call a friend and cry, so that I could move through it. Boho boy came over to me, noticing I looked a bit shaken and when I told him about Dooce, he was gentle and loving and not surprised. He gets it. He feels it too. Thankfully, a bit later the boys had to run a few errands, so I could lay on the bed and move through these not so pretty emotions with no one watching.

A few hours later, I felt lighter and more forgiving of self and more in love with my son than ever. So, I want to say to my readers that still long for their baby while they read my sharings of new motherhood, that I will never forget the longing you feel. I may be healing and eventually healed but I will never forget what you are feeling and I promise to always live my life sensitive to how my story touches others going through the same journey. I am sure when Dooce wrote that post, she too was thinking of people like me that would stumble upon her words and how it would bring to surface and trigger emotions.

In regards to night feedings I mentioned earlier, last night I sat in bed with my husband and admitted to him for the first time that I really struggle with them. I got all negative head spacey on him and he just listened. Once again, I was consumed with guilt for feeling these things because of my journey to conceive. Although, rather than push them down, I let it out and then laid my head on the pillow feeling like a big jerk but also feeling that release.

Then something interesting happened. The next time Cedar woke up in the wee hours of the morning, I felt more patience. Boho boy reached to get him and I did it instead. I felt more awake and better. I felt better! Perhaps part of that had to do with me beginning to forgive myself and work through the shame.

All this to say that when I speak my truth and let it out, it always helps to shift things. To keep it real. To be honest about motherhood, even though they may not be the prettiest thoughts or feelings. I plan to do that on my blog because we all know its not perfect, these paths to our babies. Whether on a journey to conceive them or a journey to know, love and understand them, it can be hard...but hard is okay...hard teaches us to be better, wiser, more patient beings.

So, watch as I continue to be shell shocked A LOT and figure my way around this maze.

{i am grateful for your comments, sweet and tender souls. you have enveloped me in acceptance and understanding, without judgment. your stories have given me strength and more patience and energy and appreciation for this gift of motherhood i have been miraculously given...both the challenging and the awesome bits. please keep sharing your own struggles here. this is a safe space. a cushy space of truth and empowerment and a circle of empathy. thank you...i will continue to come to your comments for this reminder. none of us are alone. the tribe of motherhood is a deep and wide one full of kindred spirits. }

protected by your wings...

2008-12-29T16:26:00.000-08:00

boho brother (jon-erik) & cedar on christmas day, canon 50D

Dear Uncle Jon-Erik ~

Meeting you was such a unique experience for me. It was like you came into my life swinging on a rope from trees with your oiled leather hat on just like Indiana Jones. I remember the first time you held me after a long day of traveling from Canada, you sunk into the rocking chair and just tuned everything out and sat with me for a few hours. You kept calling me a "beautiful, fragile eggshell soul" that you wanted to envelope with your wings and protect like a bird. I loved how each time you said this, you made your arms look like wings hovering over me. It was then that I knew you were different and cool and spiritual and had a lot to teach me. I felt so safe with you that I instantly fell asleep in your arms and you fell asleep too and my mommy just couldn't stop taking photos (she thinks I don't notice these things when my eyes are closed).

I thought it was cool that you would go on long walks for hours on the beach with your leather hat, camera strapped around you and a bag to collect sea treasures. You'd bring them back and put them on the floor in a cool design. You'd tell us stories of your travels and how you were the only one with a tshirt and sandals while everyone else was bundled up. Something about it being obvious you were Canadian. It must be cold where you live because you talked about you needing to wear like four sweaters and coats and even your dog has winter clothes. I guess that's why you were outside when no one else was over here.

I remember every morning when you'd come into our bedroom and see that my mommy and daddy had been up all night with me you would say "you guys are on the red eye train to love" with this huge smile on your face and they would look at you like they wanted to eat you for breakfast. You never took the night shift because you must like your sleep. I don't think my mommy and daddy like to sleep because they stay up with me.

I thought you talked really cool. I liked hearing you say phrases like "cosmic junction" and "feminine energy". I think that means you're a hippy. I want to be one when I grow up. I heard that if you have a Volkswagen bus that you're in the hippy club. We have a bus, so does that mean I'm a member? Perhaps if I start referring to the fact that my mommy gives me a bottle when I scream for it as a cosmic junction, eh? See...I threw in something Canadian just for you.

I'll never forget the look on my mommy's face when you showed her the transformation you made on our veranda as a gift to us. How you made it more spacious and redesigned the plants and flowers in each pot and hung candles and lanterns and prayer flags. Now it looks like a cool Zen garden with each plant covered in all the rocks you collected. I heard her say she will now take me out there in the mornings for breakfast and that they want to get a baby hammock to hang. Dude...that so rocks. Thanks, man.

But wait...there's more. During the photo shoot of us that my mommy did, I was naked and I peed all over you and rather than get grossed out, you cupped my pee in your hand and wiped it on your jeans without flinching. That's some serious manly coolness. Lets do it again but this time I'll poop and we can use it to paint stripes on our faces like the Indians.

So, you're gone and I already miss you, your thick Canadian accent, your stories about living in the woods and heating your food over the wooden stove. I miss hearing your passion for art and all things creative and earthy. I have a feeling when I come visit you, we'll have many adventures in the forest and lakes...just like my daddy had when he grew up.

Until then, I will feel protected by your wings.

I love you, dude.

Cedar

fuzzy head shot*

2008-12-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

boho brother (jon-erik) and cedar, canon 50D

One of my readers asked for a head shot (sans hat) of our little schmook. Well, you can't get any more of a head shot than this. Hello cute fuzz.

Boho Brother has been in town since the 22nd and will stay here until the 29th. Since I couldn't be with my family this year (per Pediatrician's instructions to stay away from airplanes and crowds...and believe me, my enormous Portuguese family is a CROWD), the four of us went 20 minutes down the road and stayed in a hotel room overlooking the sea.

It was beautiful, peaceful, romantic. We brought a tree, strung lights, had a fire inside and outside each night. It was a great distraction from not being with my family. I didn't allow myself to break down about that until the drive home. Then it was me and a car full of stuff, following my husband and Jon-Erik in their car, totally boo-hooing it. Both Cedar and I crying, actually. My second mommy meltdown. It was so hard not to be able to comfort him while he cried in the back seat. I almost got side swiped by a car and that was it. Tears flowed and all the faces of my sweet parents, sisters, nieces, nephews and cousins came into my mind. All of them singing Christmas carols and us not there. Me worried that I almost got in an accident. It was pretty pathetic but good to release the emotions, nonetheless. It was all better when I arrived home and my husband came over to my car and held me tight to his chest. Then slightly more better when I was able to take Cedar out of the car seat, rock him and smell his head. Then even MORE better when Jon-Erik gave me a foot rub on the couch when we got settled in.

You know...for a while I was feeling a bit annoyed that it was me and a bunch of testosterone over Christmas. But you know...it's kind of nice when they treat you like a goddess. I have a friend that has four boys and when I asked her if she missed having more estrogen in the house, she said..."It's nice being the princess". I got a taste of that this holiday.

Last year we were so totally sad and depleted because it was the fourth Christmas without having a baby and this year Boho Boy and I continue to remind one another that we have our dream. Our Holiday bean that has been not only healing for us but everyone who spends time with him.

Just see photo above.

baby for change!

2008-12-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

cedar in obama onesie, one month, canon 50d

Happy one month birthday, little schmook.

photo session with tara whitney*

2008-12-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

{click on photos for larger view}

Last Sunday we were photographed by a dear friend of mine, Tara Whitney.

She sent us the online gallery today and as we looked through each magical photo, tears welled and my heart swooned and my breath was taken away. I told her that seeing each of these photos...the three of us standing, cuddling, embracing, truly solidified for me that we are a family.

You know, there are a myriad of emotions that come with adoption. For me, so much of it has felt surreal and dream~like that I still wonder if it has really happened. I wonder if he knows we are his parents. I wonder if this joy will stop as I am not that used to it. I was used to longing for him when he wasn't here. I still wake up in the middle of the night and for a split second I wonder if I am waking from a dream that we have a son.

But watching our story unfold through Tara's photography just confirmed it all. We have a son. We are a family. We are a "three"...and oh how she captured us so perfectly in and near our home. How she captured our connection, our whimsy, our love.

Tara...you wrapped up our hearts in a cushy package of beauty that day and now, now...we have it forever. Thank you.

Here are some of my favorites...

{per the request of some commenters...Cedar's clothes are from LovedBaby, his red hat from Everyday Beautiful and leaf elf hat from Elephant Sauce...yummy gifts from friends who know my taste so well.}

a note to Omi from Cedar...

2008-12-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

omi & cedar, canon 50D (click for larger view)

Dear Omi ~
I like the sound of Grandma in German. Ooooomie.

I'm so happy that I finally got to meet you after a few weeks of making you videos and sending you emails and text messages (from my baby cell phone). I think you have the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. I hope my blue eyes end up as pretty as yours someday because the girls will really dig me.

I thought it was cool that you spoke to me mostly in German cuz now I will know two languages by the time I go to school. Then I can talk to my teacher in German when I don't want her to know what I am saying. My favorite nickname out of all the ones you called me was My Little Potato Man. Don't ask me to spell it in German. Something like "Mein wenig Schpetzalmen", right?

I loved it when you sang to me and fed me and changed my seriously stinky poopie diapers. I especially liked it when you laughed hard after I pee'd all over you or my parents. Thanks for saying I have a good aim. More than anything, it made me happy that you took such good care of mommy and daddy. They don't have as many bags under their eyes and they have more energy to take care of me. They also have full bellies from all the yummy meals you made them each day. I guess they were forgetting to eat because all they could think about was me. Which isn't a bad thing. I mean, I don't mind being the center of their Universe.

I am going to miss you and our early morning time alone while you let my mommy sleep. I liked burping in your ear after each feeding because you would always tell me how fabulous I am. Does this mean it is cool to burp and fart? If that's the case, then I am the coolest. I am the Gas Man. Do they have teams and awards for gas? I'll have to look into that when I am older. I would surely win first place and get a ribbon.

When you left, mommy and daddy were talking about how much they needed you and didn't realize how much until you were here. They feel more refreshed and more like themselves. I mean, if it wasn't for you, my mommy wouldn't have a cool new sparkly nose ring. I can't wait to pull at it one day. Right now I just can't seem to tell my hand what I want it to do.

So, anyways, it was cool to get to know you and your voice and your smell. I'll miss my daily naps on your chest and whispers in my ear. I'll also miss the smell of your cooking...even though I can't eat it yet. Someday soon we'll be able to put it all in a blender but for now, I'll settle for milk. I can always close my eyes and pretend the milk is your steak salad.

I love you Omi and hope to see you again soon.

Love,
Cedar...the potato man.

the boho cure*

2008-12-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

me a few hours ago post nose piercing, taken with my camera phone

Last night I had a mommy meltdown. Just sooo tired and premenstrual and unable to calm my poor crying baby (for hours all night long).

So I brought him into my sleeping husband and he saw it on my face and swooped our son up and let me be.

Then I curled up into a ball and cried and bit my nails, while Boho Boy rocked the babes to sleep.

There it was. My first sleep deprived meltdown. I was told it may happen at 3 weeks.

Then I woke up this morning and Omi said to go take a few hours of "me" time outside of the house. She must have seen that I was feeling fragile and guilty and uncertain and confused.

So I gave her a kiss and Cedar a kiss and I went out.

And I drove to one of my favorite beach towns and I got my nose pierced.

And that is all it took.
I felt like me again.
I went home with newly pierced nose and held and rocked my schmook,
and kissed him all over and watched him sleep.

Just a simple nose ring did the trick for me.
It's the boho way...

But in all honesty, it is that reminder that all mommies need to not be afraid to ask for help and to take a deep breath (preferably fresh air) and do something that reminds them of who they are outside of being a mommy.

Bless sweet Omi and my dear husband for being sensitive to what I need.

I think Cedar likes my piercing. He keeps staring at my sparkly nose.

; )

three weeks*

2008-12-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

cedar (boho baby), three weeks, canon 50D

My lovely Mother in-Law is here for a week and she is being wonderful. She's allowing me more sleep, while she takes care of the schmook and I must tell you, my whole being has shifted. She's also been feeding us healthy foods. I haven't been great with feeding myself lately. I am learning I need this too, to be strong for my family.

I will have more to share about her visit, along with a few photos soon. I will share some sweet stories in that post. She will be here until Saturday. Cedar adores her and she him.

Cedar looks different each day. It has been wonderful to not miss a moment of this. How I am lost in his eyes. I am marinating in these early days of snuggling and smelling one another's necks.

We had a super fun family photo session with Tara Whitney this past Sunday. Can't wait to see and share the magic. She totally brought out the fairy in all three of us. I was feeling a wee bit uptight when she first arrived, having been the first time I was social in weeks. She then melted me with her gentle spirit and put me at ease and created an atmosphere that was so us. I heart her.

my daily weep*

2008-12-13T16:15:00.000-08:00

Cedar loves to share us. He needs both mommy and daddy time during his days. Boho Boy had snuggled him for a few hours when I went out to run errands. By the time I came home, he was really missing me, my smell, my voice...me. He had revelled in his daddy time and wondered where the heck I was (I rarely leave the house these days).

So, he cried and cried hard until I came downstairs and put him in my arms. Then he hushed and fell instantly asleep. So, even though I came home with a list of things I needed to get done, I sat myself on the couch and shifted my energies to where they needed to be. Boho Boy put our favorite blanket on top of us and put on our favorite song (Devi Prayer by Craig Pruess & Ananda) and I stroked my baby boy to the rhythm of his tiny breaths.

Then Boho Boy whipped out the video camera.

And he captured one of those moments when I feel so much love for our child. When I find myself meditating on the long and messy/beautiful path that lead us to him and tears just start flowing.

Now its on video. My daily weep.

dream induced laugh*

2008-12-11T16:57:00.000-08:00

Cedar laughing in his sleep at 2.5 weeks old, taken with my camera phone

He does this thing where all is quiet and he is sleeping deep, breathing heavily and then all of a sudden, his mouth stretches wide open in a huge smile and he laughs. Belly laughs, really hard, in his sleep. Never when he is awake. Only when he is sleeping. Every time it gets me. Every time I giggle so much when I am holding him that I have to brace myself on the couch so that I won't wake him.

It is these joyous moments that get me out of my head. Out of that awareness that I am running off of just a few hours sleep per night and ache all over because of the tiredness. I had heard that the first three weeks were challenging but how can you prepare someone for sleep deprivation? I had pulled all nighters here an there before and had insomnia for like one night but never could I go that long because I am one of those people that loves her sleep. I had always looked forward to sleeping in on the weekends all week long. But I am coming to the realization that I may never sleep in again. ; ) Like I said, I knew this going into parenting but how can you prepare? Seriously? Oh my goodness.

Our dear son is nocturnal. Just like he was in K's womb. He is wide eyed and ready for adventures from 12am - 4am and the rest of the day he is a sleepy bear after eating. The thing is, my body clock is still believing that daytime means wake time and night time means sleep. I always struggled with sleeping during the day. I could never take naps. Even if in a dark room. So the concept of "sleep when the baby sleeps" isn't quite happening for me.

I have received gentle wisdom from friends about how to help our little buddy get on our clocks but I am trying to not have any expectations of him and just go with the flow right now. We've only been home for a few days and we are still adjusting from spending his first few weeks in a hotel room, as well as traveling. ; )

But it is amazing how despite the fact that my energy is completely zapped right now, my love for Cedar trumps all of it. If I start feeling the grumps come on, all I have to do is take one look at him and I go into this other dimension where I feel I have superhuman strength to get through it. I am so blessed that my husband is into teamwork and that even though he's the one getting up early for work the next morning, he is sensitive to the fact that I need my sleep too in order to be present for our child all day. We are figuring it out, sharing the feedings and trying our best to be gentle with one another as we stumble through those zombie-like grumpies.

It is definitely Cedar's pure cuteness that is getting us through these very early days and the fact that he is our dream finally living and breathing in our arms. Oh and speaking of dreams... that dream induced laugh of his just rocks our world right now.

my heart healed...

2008-12-09T19:32:00.001-08:00

cedar & grandma marmie, canon 50D

daddy (vu-vu) & cedar

daddy, cedar, me & callie lu

darlene (auntie) & cedar

my parents & cedar baby

On our drive home from Oregon to San Diego, we made sure to stop at my parents house on the way. They live on a house up a hill with a beautiful view at the bottom of the Sierra's. We were exhausted from the drive, the whole beautiful experience and from me coming down with an awful cold. We had been in the car more than 6 hours when we pulled up to my parents place and there was my dad, sitting in the garage waiting for us with a grin wider than the sky.

Having my parents come out to greet us and see baby Cedar for the first time, strapped into his car seat, was a dream coming to reality for me. To see their eyes well up with tears and awe and to giggle and be speechless filled my heart so.

It was then that it all came crashing in on me that this is real. That I haven't been dreaming after all. That I really was bringing a baby home. A baby I call my son. His name is Cedar. Oh my gosh...his name is Cedar! We've had that name for boy or girl for years now. Now it is not only written in the pages of our journals but it belongs to a living, breathing, little being that depends on us for everything. A little being that I have fallen so deep in love with that if I go to the bathroom to pee, I miss him. Does that make me co-dependant? Hee. ; )

So, to see this same love in the eyes of my parents was something I will never forget. And then the next day my big sister Darlene came over and she looked at my father holding Cedar and cried. Laughed and cried and then I cried and we all laughed.

And it was then that I became more aware that it wasn't just Boho Boy and I on this journey. It was all of us. Our families and dear friends that love us so much and wanted this so badly for us and for them. Cedar is our little dream miracle baby on high come to fruition and we are all just butter around him. Melty, creamy, butter-like puddy in his tiny pudgy hands.

As soon as we all stepped foot into my parents warm, cozy house...I felt the healing begin. She whipped us up a bowl of her famous chicken soup for the soul and all was well. I didn't realize how much I needed my parents until I was in their arms. And I didn't realize how much I needed to process all that had transpired until I was curled up on the couch near my mother and sister sharing all the details of the "birth" day while looking through photos on my camera. The parts that still hold tenderness in my heart made me well up with tears and I felt comforted and listened to and understood.

I am the first person to adopt a child in my family. We are all newbies. We are all stumbling and figuring out the myriad of emotions that come with it. It feels good to help guide their emotions through it as I share our relationship with the birth parents. I am so very blessed at their openness and willingness to try on a new path for our family.

My sister already shared this story on her blog but I wanted to share my perspective too. It was a pivotal point in our time together.

It was the second night and Boho Boy and I were running on just a few hours sleep. My cold was increasingly getting worse and it was obvious that if we didn't get any rest, we wouldn't be of good use to our sweet baby. My parents and sister offered to watch him while we caught up on our sleep. A few hours later, I hear my mothers voice in our dark bedroom..."We need a mommy or daddy" and in the background, I hear a blood curdling scream. We've never heard Cedar scream like this. Boho Boy walked out to the living room first and I followed, staggering behind. He picked Cedar up and tried to burp him, assuming it was a huge gas bubble (isn't it always?) and something fierce inside me told me to grab Cedar. Not because I didn't think my husband could comfort Cedar because so many times he has been the one that could calm him rather than me. But it was just this primal instinct that took over me...and as soon as I grabbed him and put him on my shoulder, his head plopped down into my neck and he stopped crying immediately. He breathed heavy into my neck and wrapped his arm tightly around me. I looked around at everyone and their mouths dropped open. There was silence...for a long while.

I know they were all shocked because they had been trying to calm him for 30 minutes and in once second he hushed in my arms.

For me...it was magical. It was all of the excruciatingly painful days and months and years waiting for him to come into our lives wrapped into one healing moment. He wanted his mommy. I am his mommy. Wait...I am his mommy?!?! He knows I am his mommy. Even though I didn't carry him in my womb for nine months...he knows my scent, my voice, my skin, my spirit. All the little bits of doubt that would drip into my mind about whether or not he knows who I am melted away. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, breathed in the scent of his skin, danced back and forth in the living room while holding him gently, stroking his head and said over and over..."Mommy is here, it's okay...mommy is here."

And he fell asleep. Just like that.

My heart healed that day.

home sweet home*

2008-12-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

cedar, canon 50D

We finally arrived home Friday evening. I hadn't realized how hard it was on our bones to be gypsies with a newborn for a few weeks until we melted into our bed and sofas here at home. Cedar is so much less stressed now that he doesn't have to be buckled into a carseat for hours. He loves his new home and the lights we have strung everywhere (that is where his eyes go when feeding him...we tell him they are "light fairies").

I am too tired to write...but wanted you to know that we are in bliss (and in a bit of shock). I am recuperating from a nasty cold I caught with lovely blisters on the back of my throat. It was difficult to have to keep my face away from Cedar at that time.

Time with my family at my parents house was so very comforting and the closest we felt to home in so long. I have photos to share and a few heart warming stories. That will be my next post, when I am a wee bit more rested and settled. Being with family was so what we needed.

Until then, we are cocooning like mad with our little boho schmook. Going with our instincts, making mistakes, forgiving ourselves, laughing, crying and gazing at our sweet little son for hours on end.

I took this photo today when daddy was sleeping and Cedar and I were watching the sunrise.

on the road again*

2008-12-02T11:24:00.001-08:00

the boho boys, canon 50D

We received "the call" from our attorney yesterday that we are allowed to go home to California. So, we packed up (what felt like our house) and headed closer to the border last night. Now, after just a few hours sleep (our little guy is on a backwards schedule...he is a wee little night owl and sleeps all day), we are getting back in the car towards my parents house in Northern California. We will be there for two days where Cedar will get an abundance of love from my parents, beautiful sisters and darling nieces. I cannot wait to feel some semblance of home before we head even further South to our home by the sea. We should arrive home either Thursday or Friday.

Everyone is giddy to smooch on our little schmook...and I am giddy to observe the mushiness.

love you fairy godmother...

2008-11-30T15:52:00.000-08:00

our hotel room transformed to a Boho Zen Bungalow

Created for Cedar's beautiful Fairy Godmother Jen, in response to the video she did for him on his day of birth (See her magical video here).

I am still figuring out our new Flip camera...so to help with clarity during the blurry bits, the rock I pick up has the word "Gratitude" on it and the last red leaf says "You Teach Me Love". ; )

Credits:
Song by Sigur Ros
Cards hanging by Swirly, Jen Lemen, Nina Beana & me
"Be Here Now" pottery by Swirly
Rocks painted by McCabe (affirmations on them by my tribe)
Gratitude rock created by Thea
Prayer flags by Eastern Sun Printworks
Cedar's outfit by Babysoy

first Cedar video*

2008-11-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

Here is a video we did for Cedar's Omi (grandmother in German)...wanted to share it so you could see him live!

Please ignore the huge bags and dark circles under my eyes. ; )

Feeding time:

full of gratefulness*

2008-11-27T10:21:00.001-08:00

Boho boy, K and T during labor, canon 50D

boho boy and K during contractions, canon 50D

Boho Boy and I are full of gratefulness for so many gifts in our life (family, friends, blessings...) but what comes from the tip of our hearts down to the deepest parts these days is how very grateful we are to K and T for the precious precious gift they have so unselfishly given to us and to Tammy, our adoption consultant and dear friend, for bringing us all together. Tammy had a feeling deep in her heart, even though she knew we were not quite ready and feeling tender from the previous fall through. Thank you, Tammy...for following your heart and helping to guide us towards our son, Cedar.

The relationship between K, T, Boho boy and I has been a rare and beautiful one. So much laughter and special memories has been had during our times spent together. So many hilarious and fun and endearing stories to share with our son about his birth parents. Not only how much they loved him and sacrificed their love to give him a life they wanted for him but also how much they loved and respected us as his adoptive parents and their friends.

I wasn't sure how the days in the hospital would unfold. I wasn't sure how I would feel during the birth. If I would feel threatened or saddened that I couldn't experience this part of it. If I would feel helpless and clueless on how to support K. How Boho Boy would respond and support (or faint or not).

All those fears fell away as we were all directed to the birth room. A spacious and beautiful birthing room with hardwood floors and wooden sliding doors. Large windows showed a view of trees and hills. All of us giddy with anticipation. Boho Boy and T cracking jokes to keep K and me at ease. K rubbing and drawing strength from the beautiful "Brave" pendant that one of my best friend's Stacy made for her (she made K and I matching ones).

Then when the contractions came on hard and she dilated from 5 to 8 in just a few minutes, the room fell serious and focused. The nurses had been trying to find a vein but couldn't, so she was unable to get an epidural. The warm towels wrapped around her arms were there to help bring her veins to the surface, but it didn't work in time. Not what she had planned since she has been laboring for weeks and needed relief when the contractions came on strong. Suddenly, as we all became aware that she would not receive relief, I felt a rush of adrenaline, as did Boho Boy. We knew it would be intense and every muscle in our body prepared to hold K through it. Then we saw something take K over like a huge tidal wave as she arched her body and screamed that she needed to push. Nurses and her doctor rushed in and said this "was it" and that she could push. Boho boy and I wrapped our arms around K's back, held her hands and pushed and breathed along with her. Believe it or not, Cedar's head was fully out in 9 minutes. His shoulders wedged him in there and all we saw was a purple face but we focused on getting K through the intense pain. He was stuck. I felt this Momma Bear inside of me and the voice that came out of my throat was not mine. "Yes you can do this K, you can, you are brave, you're doing so amazing...we're here with you...come on..." and two more pushes and with help from the doctor maneuvering his shoulders, he was out. K fell back in one smushy lump of exhaustion with a big sigh. Boho Boy cut then cord and then we stood there staring at one another while I stroked K's hair, half laughing, half crying while they whisked a quiet Cedar away. He had spit out a bunch of meconium on his way out and they were concerned about his lungs being full, as well as his purple face. K said to me..."you're a mommy...go to your son". I was torn whether to stay with K to comfort her or to go to him and she helped me with the answer.

Boho Boy and I surrounded the nurses in the next room hovering over our new son. My heart was racing faster than I thought possible. I was trying my ultimate best to not worry and to trust he was alright and safe in their arms and then I heard another cry and I heard giggles. A nurse turned to me..."are you the adoptive parents? do you want to see him? we need his father to cut his cord again...". Mmmmm..."his father...". Those words melted every worry away.

Then when they cleaned and wrapped him up and put him in my arms, my tears surfaced and I looked down at his face and felt as though I had found a long lost friend of mine. Then watching Boho boy hold him for the first time was overwhelmingly joyful. I wasn't sure how I would feel seeing Cedar for the first time. I know that with adoption, it can take time to bond and sometimes it doesn't. As soon as I held him, I was madly in love (and relieved).

We then took him into the birthing room and handed Cedar to T while K was getting cleaned up. These were special moments of laughing and cooing and taking photos of Cedar and T. I loved watching T gaze into Cedar's eyes...having their own little man to man conversation. It was tender and soft and I was thrilled to capture it with the lens.

I walked over to K and gave her a long hug. I told her she was my hero. She told me that we were her heroes. We placed him in her arms. She was glowing.

I felt proud and overwhelmed and grateful and happier than I had ever thought possible. I was surrounded by three people that loved this little being more than life itself. We were all in a love bubble of Cedar celebration.

The next few days we shared him back and forth in the hospital rooms next door to one another. We slept with him the first night, they had him the second night.

I was amazed at how hard it was to be away from him. I felt like a part of my soul had been taken from me. As painful as it was, it brought me comfort to know that I already loved him like a mother. That he already felt like mine. It also gave me comfort to know that K and T had this time to love on him, get to know him and share all of their reasons for giving him a life they dreamed for him.

24 hours later, when K and T's attorney came into our room to tell us that they had signed the rights over to us earlier than they had to (they had 48 hours) and congratulate us, we were breathless. When she left the room, Boho Boy crawled into the hospital bed with me and we cried together.

How can I say into words how thankful I am on this Thanksgiving day? I don't think there is a need. I think we all feel how precious and rare and beautiful and life altering this story is...and I cannot believe it is my story. Our story. Cedar's story...

We are full of gratefulness.

Today we are breaking bread with K and T in our humble little hotel room. It is unspoken how we all feel. As we try to stay light and fun, down deep inside we know that there are things we want to say but can't...but it is all understood and respected. As K aches down deep in her heart, I struggle with how joyful I feel and how much I care for her and don't want her to hurt. I am reminded that we too have given K and T a gift and so it all comes full circle. Nothing needs to be said. There just needs to be a lot of hugging one another, laughter, sharing food and gazing at the little schmook all night.

Happy Thanksgiving to all...and thank you for sharing this sacred journey with us.

balm*

2008-11-26T15:19:00.001-08:00

me & my cherub, taken by boho boy last night

my sweet boho boys today, canon 50D

Boho Boy had gone to get us some food while I lay in our hotel bed and cuddle our sweet son. He told me on his drive back that he saw our hotel from a distance and thought to himself "my wife and son are in that hotel" and it hit him, tenderly but also so powerful and he cried (a man cry, he says... ; ).

This overwhelming feeling of awe and realization hits me every once in a while, when I gaze at our baby and my heart fills to bursting and I get a huge lump in my throat. For years now the tears that have spilled over my cheeks have been those of longing and sorrow for this sweet soul but now they come from a joy and harmony I have never known as I hold him close to me. How often Boho Boy and I have looked in one another's eyes over the past few days and smiled or teared up with a knowing that all the hurting and longing of this journey was so worth it. Our baby has found us in the most perfect way.

Today we went to our 3 day of life check up with the Pediatrician out here (we love him). As we were sitting in the waiting room surrounded by darling young ones, Boho Boy caught me smiling while observing them play with the wooden toys on the floor. Later he told me he thought to himself..."I have my wife back" and it almost brought him to tears right there in the waiting room. He remembered all the other times when being in a room full of beautiful children would have brought to surface all those sad and tender places for me. Now I sit there with my cooing babe in my arms and watch them with peace and relief in my heart.

We are healing and our sweet Cedar is the balm.

photos of our sweet Cedar*

2008-11-24T17:54:00.001-08:00

(taken with camera phone)

(taken with camera phone)

Just arrived home from the hospital a few hours ago. Home meaning our hotel. We are in our little love bubble. Trying to sleep while Cedar is sleeping and eat and play when he is awake. So far we are in awe of how simple he is. He only squeaks when he is hungry and the other times he just looks around the room and marinates in us (as we gaze at him inches away from his face).

We are madly in love. Truly, madly, deeply.

In a few days we take him back to the pediatrician here for a check up regarding his bruised face from the birth canal, as well as making sure his jaundice is getting better. Will share more soon.

We are so grateful for all of your support, love, enthusiasm, tears, joy and for feeling it with us as we know you've all walked the very long path to our son right by our side. Warm hugs to each of you.

To Cedar from your Fairy Godmother, Jen...

2008-11-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

by jen gray.

my tears have not stopped spilling. thank you...thank you my sweet fairy friend. our cups runneth over and over and over...

this so perfectly emulates what my heart feels inside for my magical son.

welcome to life, boho baby...

2008-11-23T02:30:00.000-08:00

me and boho baby minutes after birth

the boho dudes a few hours after birth

Cedar Leonard Kroon
Born November 22nd, 2008
9:09PM PST
8 lbs 7 oz

He came just a few hours after we arrived. He waited for us. One hour after K's water broke, 9 minutes after she started pushing. Boho Boy and I cradling K on each side, arms around her back, hands holding hers. She was enveloped in our arms and we all breathed and pushed together in unison. She was a warrior through the non-medicated pain. He came just after a few intense pushes. My heart took off in flight when I heard his cry. He's beautiful...absolutely perfectly beautiful (with a purple/blue bruised face for coming out so fast...he will be pink in a few days).

We each have our own room here in this gorgeous brand new hospital. Rooms with a view. Sliding wood doors. Spacious. We hung white lights. The birth parents are next door so we can share the love. Cedar is with us in ours right now. Boho Boy is feeding him his third feeding since birth. It is 3:15AM and we cannot stop staring at him or one another. He's so calm and chill and beautiful. I miss him when I leave for a few minutes.

When I re-entered the room, Boho Boy said..."you are so beautiful" and when I watch him feed our child, I get goosebumps down my spine like a giddy crushed out school girl. We are falling more in love with each other and discovering a brand new kind of love for our son...together.

All in just a few hours. This is just the beginning...

gifts from his fairy godmother...

2008-11-21T07:27:00.001-08:00

gifties from jen, canon 50D

He'll be our sweet little pea monkey.

And here she is...prrrr kitty!

jen gray...the fair godmother.

Yum.

I'm off to see Twilight. My one last hurrah before we leave tomorrow morning to be with the birth parents. She is being induced next week. The docs are still trying to set an exact date but it will for sure be either on Friday, the 28th or earlier. We're all thinking it will happen naturally before then. We're getting little signs here and there telling us so. We feel nervous being at home, far away from the chance to speed her to the hospital, whip out the video camera and get the show on the road! ; )

So, after I satisfy my obsession with sexy vampires today, I am off to finish packing, cleaning, singing, dancing and embracing the idea that I really will be a momma within days. Okay, I'm tearing up now.

Now how about Jen's wig?

linger...

2008-11-19T20:04:00.001-08:00

jonatha brooke, canon 50D

I can't believe its been a week since I've written. Goodness...I know so many of you are on this journey with me and wondering when the heck I'll be posting the photo of our Boho Baby! I didn't mean to linger with details. I've been recouping from a cold that has taken a lot energy from me and has caused sleepless nights, which I know I'll have my fill of soon but oh how I need to soak in the Zzz's now in order to get better.

K had an appointment today and she is still 4cm but now 80% effaced. We are trying to get an inducement date scheduled but she may have an infection and if she does, they will not induce right away. We are now waiting for those results to come back. K and baby are fine, this is nothing serious but just a precaution.

This week I have felt very tender but have chosen to be quiet with my tenderness. My dear husband darkened the room for me tonight while lighting candles, making me tea and playing soft music. He always knows what I need. I wish I could be more articulate but my head is pounding and words are not coming as easily as I had hoped. How can I describe the billions of thoughts that flow through my mind in anticipation for all that is to come? Just know I am laughing one minute and crying the next and hoping that my loved ones have patience during this vulnerable time.

Jonatha was in town this past weekend and we put aside time for a spontaneous, inspired and intimate photo session. I wanted to share the first few photos I've worked on. She soothes my soul...

wait ~ updated

2008-11-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

For the plane ride home I grabbed the most recent issue of W magazine. There was a spread of intimate photos Brad Pitt captured of Angelina Jolie. I was enamored with the mood, the texture, the grain, the raw quality and quite impressed by his natural ability for portrait photography. The images totally inspired me to play with black and white tonight. I tend to be attracted to muted colors and vintage tones but rarely do I see images in my mind as monotone. This particular article shifted that. So, I took a very intimate image that I captured of one of my best friends in our hotel room during a visit earlier this year and converted it to black and white, while cropping it a bit. I feel pleased and I plan to play a bit more with this style.

It also felt meditative for me tonight to go to a place I haven't been for a few weeks. My whole entire being has been intertwined with this adoption, which has been such an other-wordly experience. I haven't thought much about photography, which is extremely odd for me. A piece of my whole self that breathes life into me has been a bit quieted in my soul. But on the plane, flipping through those photographs, I felt a tingling in my bones and a longing to lay on a bed with an artist and capture their most intimate pieces of self. Soon, soon...

It seems every piece of my life is about waiting right now. While hanging out for 10 days in the town where our birth parents live, we stayed in a hotel that was across the street from a few shops, a Trader Joes, Borders bookstore and a healthy restaurant. Each time we'd cross the street to one of those destinations, we heard a voice over the crosswalk speaker...a voice that prompts a blind person whether to stay or go. The voice says in a soothing female tone, over and over and over until the light turns green..."Wait.....wait......wait......wait....". One of those times, Boho Boy looked down at me with a smirk and said; "Isn't that the story of our life?"

Totally.

Update: Baby is not here yet. K has a doctors appointment tomorrow and she will call us with the latest results about how far she is dilated and effaced. We are all crossing our fingers and toes that she lasts until her inducement date (which is early next week). I've been home recuperating from a cold. I also had some dear friends in town this past weekend and will share more of that soon but until then, I needed to rest to make sure I am well for baby.

home*

2008-11-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today we went with K & T to her weekly doctors appointment and she is still the same (dilated and effaced), no progress. The doctor feels she could very well last until full term and that the medicine she was on a few weeks ago to stop pre-term contractions, has done its job, even though she has been off of it for a few weeks now. K will be 37 weeks this Thursday.

We will be choosing a date to induce at 38.5 weeks.

So, this means Boho Boy and I will be heading back home to Southern California to wait. His vacation days are slipping away and he really wants to be able to spend some down time with the baby, all cuddled in our home, in our bed.

Now our hopes and prayers are that Boho Baby will stay in K's womb until her date of inducement so we won't miss the birth. There still is a good chance, if she goes into labor again earlier than that date, that we can make the birth after receiving the call, depending on when that call is.

Regardless, our little boy already gave us an amazing gift. He brought us out here so that we had a rare opportunity to spend quality time with his birth parents and get to know them and grow to love them. We already have an abundance of stories to share with our son. One of my favorites being last night...when all four of us walked in the woods in the dark, telling scary stories, trying to frighten one another. It was damp and cool and dark and eerie but so much fun!!

So, we leave tomorrow not having one regret about coming out here for a week. It was beautiful and invigorating and so very dear to our hearts.

We so appreciate every morsel of support. I know that you all know that all of this is out of our hands and for that, we must trust that the timing will be perfect (however comical it may be).

cocoon*

2008-11-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

The rain is falling where we are. I love rain. I always have. I love the sound, the smell, the taste. Its been very soothing for us.

There has been a wee bit of progress but K's labor continues to stall. We have talked many times about going home and just waiting to get another call from her but we would be taking a huge risk of missing the birth and being there the first moments of his life is very important to us. Its important to all of us. So, we are taking it day by day and trusting that we are supposed to be here.

The time we have spent with K & T has been something I will always cherish. We have fun and beautiful stories to share with our son about the week leading up to his birth. The other night the four of us took a walk at a nearby park with tall trees and lovely trails. K and I were behind Boho Boy and T and we shared and laughed and took deep breaths and looked up at the sky to the stars. I kept thinking how very surreal and joyful that moment was and how I can say to our son..."we took a walk together, late at night under the stars, each of us connecting with nature and one another because of our love for you."

K had another acupuncture appointment and will go again on Monday. It has helped the baby to move further down. Each day brings us closer to when he will come into our lives. I am trying my very best to be patient and trust and know that each moment he stays in the womb, he is more healthy and strong.

We are feeling as though we are in a cocoon. Life has stood still for us as we wait in our humble hotel room where I've draped fabric and white lights and prayer flags and pieces of my family and friends. We lay on the bed holding one another as we wait for that one call when we hear..."this is it...this is really it...".

acupuncture for labor*

2008-11-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

A beautiful blog friend referred us to an Acupuncturist out here that is known to help induce labor if needed. His partner is a Doula, so he is well informed and sensitive to the needs of a woman in the beginning stages of labor that has been stalled.

K has never had acupuncture before and was really open to trying it. For someone who is not all that keen on needles, I was so proud of her bravery. When we walked into his office, we both took a deep breath. It was very soothing and light and nurturing.

He came out and sat across from us knee to knee and with a gentle, soft spoken voice, asked K many questions and talked her through how his treatment can help move the baby down and pull all her energy in a downward motion to get things moving.

When she was being treated, he came out to talk with me, sharing with me that he has worked with adoptive parents and birth moms before and finds the whole new concept of family so beautiful. He then handed me a few "Mothering" magazines and told me to keep them. He talked with me like I was already a parent and it just filled me up to brimming.

If she doesn't go into hard labor by today, she is going in again Friday for another treatment. We did notice that after her session, the baby had moved down a bit. When she first walked in, the top of her belly was tight and then when she left, it was softer and more fuller towards the bottom. He said this was a perfect sign that it is working.

We also took her to get a pedicure last night, which is also supposed to help along with an acupuncture treatment. During her pedicure, all of her pressure points were massaged that also help induce labor.

Its been a struggle to see her so uncomfortable and in pain but yet it is not moving as fast as everyone is expecting. We are doing our best to keep things light and fun so that the heaviness of the stress we all feel does not overwhelm our days.

Thank you so much for all of your support and wisdom. We feel certain that our little boy wanted to enter a world that already felt changed. He is riding on the wave of celebration with Obama being elected. We too are all celebrating with tears and hugs. K had said a few weeks ago that she hopes he waits until Obama is elected and now we already know our son is a good listener. ; )

{Gentle Favor: I received this comment in my previous post...

we gathered our faith community and asked for their prayers, and we ourselves began visualizing opening doors, penguins sliding into the water, otters, fast-motion flower blooming...anything even remotely related to dilation, effacement, and birth. Within 30 minutes she dilated & effaced fully and my nephew arrived not long after. Just goes to show you the combined power of the mind and spirit, and the love of good people.

If you find a quiet moment, can you all do this for us? We are so very grateful.}

updates*

2008-11-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

No wee one yet. ; )

K is back at home having contractions anywhere from 2 - 6 minutes apart. She is 4cm dilated and 50 percent efface. She's being so absolutely brave and strong. Poor thing has been contracting for more than three weeks.

We're waiting and trying our best to be patient and trust Boho Baby is wise beyond his years and knows exactly what he's doing.

We met her doctor today and LOVED her. Heard his heartbeat and swooned. Her doctor feels it will be no more than a week, if not within the next few days. So, we're definitely staying and waiting it out, even though her labor continues to stall. It is very important for us to be here for the birth.

I had a good cry with my marmie on the phone tonight. Everyone is feeling uptight and emotional due to the election, as well as worrying about K's discomfort and frustration. I'm trying to figure out my place and be strong for K and me and us and baby. Hearing my mother's calmness on the other line and encouragement and trust and faith that all will be well helped sooth my stress. I love my marmie.

The fact that Obama is doing well so far has lifted our spirits.

Thank you so much for your tips in the comments below. We're definitely trying and have seen progress! Having that support has been comforting to all. Hugs to each and every one of you that took time to offer your wisdom and beautiful stories.

Will update you soon.

a mountainous and unexplored region of the heart*

2008-11-03T08:59:00.000-08:00

kirsten at squam, canon digital rebex xti

"Once you get over the fear it's a cinch, " she said.
And then she leaped into a mountainous and unexplored
region of her heart.

We arrive yesterday early evening and spent a few hours with K until we all got tired and needed to catch up on some much needed rest, knowing we won't get much rest soon! She's doing well under the circumstances but is uncomfortable. Her contractions slowed down and the doctor suggested she go home and get rest and monitor them, knowing we'd be here with her to take her right in when they got worse again. I think they just want her moving around to get this going. So, today we are talking her on a walk. Curious if any of you have any tips to get the labor going. Healthy, safe ones, that is.

They all feel it should be any day now and very soon. So glad we are here and not waiting at home because as long as it took us to fly and drive here, we would surely miss the birth.

She told us last night she wants to try elle~naturelle, no meds and they have a birthing tub in the delivery room. We love the hospital. Its a brand new one (only a few months old) and looks like a resort. They even have a garden path for pregnant women to walk...with a water fall. We are so impressed! The doctor and nurses are well aware of the adoption and being wonderful and sensitive about it. This whole process is blowing me away.

A sweet friend sent me some birthing visualizations to use while K is contracting during the real deal. This morning I spent time memorizing them while drinking my yerba mate. This all feels so surreal.

I feel like a protective momma bear with K and want to make sure she has all she needs. I just adore her to the core. I feel our son getting closer. We laid in bed last night knowing he will be between us soon and I put my hand there to whisper a prayer and tell him I love him and cannot wait to hold him close to me...skin to skin.

As Kirsten's mantra above says, I am indeed venturing into a region of my heart that has been unexplored. Discovering parts of my capacity to love that I didn't realize existed. Love for K, love for this baby, love for my husband and the journey of adoption.

We will keep you updated. Like I said, we are all joking around about him coming on election day. In fact,we might just borrow Obama's mantra during the birth..."Yes We Can!!!!!!". hee hee.

More soon.

{any tips on helping her through the birth would be wonderful. K and i were never able to take birthing classes together. i've done some research but i imagine many of you have some earth momma tips i haven't heard of yet...thank you from the bohos and K & T}

finding my peace ~ updated!!

2008-11-01T08:55:00.001-07:00

me laying on a dock at squam, photo by thea coughlin

Update at 10:30PM PST on November 1st: We just now got "the call". K is in the beginning stages of true blue labor and has been admitted. We're flying out there ASAP. Please send up your prayers! Our hearts are racing with excitement. We'll update you as soon as possible. Weeeeee!

Update at 10:30am on November 2nd: We are at the airport on a layover, on our way. Just found out her contractions have slowed down quite a bit but the docs feel it should happen anytime in the next few days. Still flying out there and staying until he comes! Can't wait to see K & T...and give K a massage. She was up all night and needs some rest. What a crazy, fun ride! Why do I have a hunch he'll come on election day? That would be hilarious. Thanks so much for all your love soaked support! We're totally beaming over here.

****************************************************************

I was wondering when it was going to happen. I think most of my loved ones were waiting too. Every time they dialed my number or emailed me to check in on the status of this adoption, there was that question asked as they held their breath..."how are you doing through all of this?" I'm fine, I'm fine, I'd answer and then I'd go on talking about the baby or our birth mom K and the adorable onesies we just got in the mail from a sweet friend.

I felt like I've been spinning high off the ground for over a month now and I loved it up there. I've lived with four years of a sadness that lurked underneath all my joys. I've lived with fears of going outside, knowing I will run into pregnant women or little babies in strollers or wrapped around their parent's bodies. I'd have to check myself..."Is it okay to go outside today? Can you handle this?" But lately I've walked outside without a second thought. I've smiled at the pregnant women. I've waved and cooed at the babies in strollers and wraps and slings. Probably because I finally believed...and I mean truly believed that I would be a mother and very soon. I no longer felt isolated but part of a growing community around me. My heart was no longer consumed with the pain that comes with seeing these things around me and then followed up with the guilt for feeling resentment towards them. I felt free.

I've been riding on the waves of my loved ones who have jumped in on this adoption journey with us with arms wide open. They too have taken the risk of just believing it will happen. They too began talking in a language with us as if it already has. That this baby is indeed our son that has longed to be with us, and we with him and he is finally coming. They all joked saying "Of course this is how he came into your lives! You always were the different one in the family!" or "This just totally suits the Bohos lifestyle."

And then there were the few people in our lives that carried a lot of fear with this process and didn't want to "jinx" it by believing it whole heartedly. They had so many fears about what may not happen and how broken into pieces our hearts would be if it didn't. Down beneath the surface of it all, these loved ones of ours were just afraid of us being hurt and were feeling protective and cautious of our hearts. Regardless, I couldn't really be around that energy. As much as I understood and had compassion for it, I had to rise above and take the risk and believe. I had to throw my whole being into this like a fierce mother bear out to find her little cub in the woods, knowing she will find him by his scent. No one could stop me. No one could tell me any different.

Then the other day I had my crashing point. Perhaps it was an emotional day. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep I had the night before. Perhaps it was an email I received from K that seemed a bit tender than normal and I had misinterpreted what she was really trying to say...but I allowed myself to feel afraid. I allowed myself for just a short while to see what it might look like if she does indeed decide to keep him because it will feel impossible not to do so once she first lays eyes on him. Perhaps we will drive into our parking spot with an empty car seat and a bag full of newborn onesies that were never worn.

At this thought, it happened...what everyone wondered would happen...I had a mini meltdown and you know what? I let myself have it. So did my darling amazing loving husband. He just let me unravel. As we laid there in our bed and I sobbed and told him all of the things I was secretly afraid of. As I let all of those walls come tumbling down and exposed my deepest fears that I didn't want to believe in, he just listened and held me. He didn't try to fix it. He didn't tell me things would turn out differently. He just stroked my hair and breathed along with my breath and let me soak his chest with my tears.

There was something so powerful about that release. And that is what it felt like. All these tiny fears and burdens that were building up and as soon as I opened the door to the well, they flowed out of me along with my tears. I couldn't really sleep that night. I felt like I had just ran a long marathon (not that I've ever been in one and knew what it was like, but I imagine it would feel like how I felt). The following day, I allowed myself to walk around in silence. To sit and stare at a wall. To lay down to take a nap. I didn't try to buck up and move forward and ignore the shift that occurred. I suppose I was trying to prepare myself for another scenario that I hadn't allowed myself to embrace. So, I allowed that and imagined all the things we would do to recover from that sad scenario.

And then I received an email from K. A long, beautiful, heartfelt email reassuring me all the reasons why she wants us to have this special baby growing in her womb. She wiped all those hidden fears away in one gentle and fresh swoop. Her intuition told her to write these emotions to me and she did so powerfully and perfectly and said everything I needed to hear. Everything I had believed in these past few weeks. Everything that kept me floating and certain and not wanting to hear any different. She reaffirmed the faith I had in our relationship, our connection and how magical this process has been. She gave me the greatest gift that morning and I will never, ever forget that email exchange and how very moved our hearts were by her words and reassurance and utter and complete selfless love for this baby. She confirmed that everything we feel about this baby boy and how it has felt that he is supposed to be in our lives, is how she feels as well. For a few weeks now, I have been the one that has held her and comforted her and it was her that wrapped her arms around me to tell me everything was going to be okay. We feel so totally blessed to have been matched with such a wise, intuitive, gentle, warm and nurturing birth mom. We have such beautiful stories to share with our son about her courage and strength and selflessness during this time.

So, I am floating again. I am embracing this roller coaster of a journey. I am wholly in it now...embracing both the joy, as well as the fears. All of it and no matter how this unfolds, I know it will be worth it.

We all feel he is coming very soon. Very soon and I am finding my peace through it all.

He will be a Scorpio. Curious what you guys know about Scorpios...

supporting grassroots with lipstick*

2008-10-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

for jeanette, canon 50D

Jeanette reached out to me so lovingly and gently in support of our upcoming adoption and yet also expressed very powerfully her passion towards this grassroots cause in Arizona: Vote No On 102: Take A Picture, Take A Stand!. She kindly asked me if I was interested in supporting them.

Absolutely, I am!

So, I wrote it on my mirror in lipstick, cause I've always wanted to do that. ; ) I love the sign my dear friend Stacy did as well.

This past week, our own Proposition 8 here in California has weighed heavily on my mind. I feel very strongly and always have that love is love...and it is not our place to take rights away from anyone that chooses to commit to the love of their life.

Of course this is indeed very personal for me. I have a dear friend that has been in my life for over twenty years. He found his soul mate, and just recently got married and him and his extraordinary husband adopted a beautiful girl. They've raised her in a remarkable way and she's stellar and well loved and well rounded. She has two of the coolest dads and a high self esteem to boot.

Enough said.

So, I am honored to be part of Jeanette's grassroots cause in Arizona, as well as support our own here in California. This is why I wrote both No on 8, as well as No on 102 on my mirror.

Jeanette is also holding a giveaway for everyone who submits their photo to the Flickr group. I am donating an 8x10 print of choice from my shop.

See you at the polls on Tuesday!

fairy godmother*

2008-10-27T22:12:00.001-07:00

jen gray, canon digital rebel xti

We have chosen a Fairy Godmother for our son.

Well, perhaps he had chosen her first and then whispered it into our ears.
Or we had all chosen one another when we were angels, before we got here.
One big fairy family coming into being. ; )

When we thought about who we wanted to be the godmother to our son, my dear friend Jen immediately came to mind. It felt like a powerfully spiritual moment. I saw a very vivid image of her laying on her back with our son in the grass, looking up at the stars, while he shared with her some stuff going on in his heart. I saw laughter and teasing and a huge grassy safety net. My heart felt all warm and I felt tingly (although she does that to me every time...). I saw it so clearly and so did Boho Boy.

Then we asked her. Like we were getting down on our knees and asking her to marry us. She got really quiet and took a deep breath and then...she said yes! And she said it with tears and nearly inaudible words. We cried. We all felt it. She felt him too. She knew it was meant to be...this connection.

Jen and I had very similar backgrounds as children and young adults and now we are living such a parallel lifestyle. When we talk, its always full of "me too, me too!" We both have an equally beautiful relationship with the men in our life. She's like my twin sister, although she's much taller and thinner and blonder and has a much better memory for songs. She also likes to dress up in costumes and make videos and paint and can make me laugh so hard that I pee my pants. I think she is amazing at improv and dresses like a rock star. She loves her peeps like a fierce lion and holds them in her arms like a gentle lamb. Everyone who meets Jen falls madly insanely in love with her. She has a billion and more crushes on her all around the world and yet is so humble it makes you crush on her even more.

I could write a book about the beautiful person that she is and perhaps someday I will. Or perhaps my son will. Or perhaps we'll all sit around on that grass and write it together. How she has scooped Boho Boy and I up so many times on this journey to our son and held our hands and stroked our hair and played soothing love songs or made us laugh through our tears. And now she opens up her arms to do that for him too.

Our boy is going to have so many strong, powerful, gentle, wide openly loving, creative women in his life. My tribe is already circling him and lately with all of us going through emotionally shifting times...it is him that we can all talk about with pure joy. He's the connector to happiness for all of us. What a gift he already is.

And what a gift Jen, his outrageously cool Fairy Godmother, will be in his life. She'll bring the concept back into fashion like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty did.

me & jen at squam, taken by jonatha brooke, september 2008

hello boho baby...

2008-10-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

16 weeks

19 weeks

Last week when we were visiting, me, Boho Boy and K snuggled on the couch and gazed at a handful of ultrasound photos she has kept for us. This was a pleasant surprise. I didn't expect to be able to see that many and to see him looking so real and tangible, well...you can imagine our hearts swelled.

I haven't yet had the opportunity I have always dreamed of. To lay on a table with my swelling belly and my hand holding Boho Boy's and us viewing the screen to say hello to our baby for the first time. Tears and smiles and laughter all at once. Those are moments you imagine over and over in your mind while trying to conceive.

Well, this was our moment...sitting on the couch, snuggled up to K's swelling belly and going through photo after photo. It wasn't what I had imagined would happen but to me, it felt so perfect. Because truly, looking back on my life, I have never been one to do things in a traditional manner. Neither has Boho Boy. So it is all very fitting for us.

Hello boho baby in there all snuggly and warm. I've been longing to hold you in my arms for so very long. We are grateful for this wee glimpse of you. It helps ease the ache.

new toy*

2008-10-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

boho boy, canon 50D

When I found out that K really enjoys photography and has always wanted to get into it, I just felt like I was supposed to give her a camera and lens. The passion to capture the world as we see it was something beautiful to have in common and share. The Canon Digital Rebel XT that I first used was broken but I thought it would be easy to fix, so when we went out to meet T & K for the first time, I brought it along so we could take it to a local camera shop. Then I could give it to her and that would just make my heart burst.

Our first morning there, while I was getting ready for the big day, Boho Boy left to take the camera to the shop. He was told that it wasn't an easy fix. We'd have to send it away and it might take a while and be too costly to fix. He came back to the hotel to tell me and we were so bummed. I wanted so badly to give her this gift.

Then Boho Boy said..."I'll be right back, I have an idea...". Twenty minutes later, he arrived with a brand new Canon box. He said "this is your Christmas gift" and there it was...my dream camera...a Canon 50D!!! So how cool is it that I could give K an even better camera than I had imagined? She got my precious XTi and Tamron Zoom lens.

I pretty much squealed with joy. Later that night, we played with it a bit. Above is a photo of him reading the manual. That's just so him. I play with all the gadgets and learn as I go and he actually READS the manual. ; )

Giving K my camera was one of my favorites parts of the weekend. Especially when I saw her face light up so beautifully. Knowing that when the baby is born, she will have somewhere to wander and explore and heal with her new toy. I am also hoping she will discover parts of herself through this medium that she never realized lived inside of her. I know that is what photography has done for me. It means so much that she will carry with her something that changed my life in such a miraculous way. Becoming a photographer was like a rebirth for me and my XTi was the camera I used when the path to photographing artists opened up for me.

It all comes full circle in that we both continue to bless one another with parts of ourselves.

a beautiful bizarre*

2008-10-22T20:57:00.001-07:00

me talking to and kissing boho baby, photo by boho boy

boho boy talking to boho baby

k and her beautiful swelling belly

We arrived home late last night and slept more peaceful than we have in so long. Today I've been walking around sort of on a puffy cloud. We both have. We keep looking at one another smiling and saying "we're having a baby soon".

The path to our baby is SO different than I imagined but as each minute goes by, it couldn't feel more right...and I cannot believe I am saying these things.

When she opened the door and I saw our birth mom for the first time (going forward, we will call her "K" on this blog), I was mesmerized by her beautiful big clear blue eyes. I didn't even look at her belly. Just her face and how lovely she was. She had a warm smile. I felt a lump in my throat and all I could do was embrace her. She smelled sweet like a baby. Why was I not feeling strange or awkward or fearful or jealous? All I was feeling was joy and excitement and a serious urge to know her more as a person. Boho Boy hugged her and touched her belly and said hello to boho baby inside. I didn't go there yet. I hugged the birth father (we are calling him "T" on this blog going forward). They warmly and gently welcomed us in to sit on the couch and chat. So we did. I nestled next to K and Boho Boy next to T and we started having our separate conversations.

My dear friend Stacy had made me and K matching necklaces that had the word "Brave" engraved on the pendant. I had K open the gift and she immediately lit up all over and put hers on. So did I. I felt like the spirit of my tribe were surrounding me, giggling like girly girls and dancing around us in complete joy. It gave me comfort and energized me. I think K picked up on it. Our moods were harmonious.

I looked over at the guys and they were already laughing and being dudes. Is this for real? Yes, it is folks. It was totally surreal and amazing. Every moment.

The whole day felt like we were hanging out with new friends. Conversation flowed so smoothly and our curiosity about one another was satisfied by question after question about our lives, interests, hobbies, history. I mean, it all happened so naturally. The way it does with friends. Nothing felt contrived or forced or like either of us were being interviewed. We mostly learned about one another by telling stories.

I was surprised that I wasn't feeling as emotional as I thought. Emotional in the sense where I imagined I would break down in tears the minute I saw her belly. I think the idea that she was carrying my child was too grand for me to grasp. I just wanted to get to know her and T. I questioned myself whether or not that was okay. Why was I not feeling emotionally connected to the baby in her belly? Why did it seem detached from the baby boy I have had in my mind? I set those worries aside and just marinated in the joy I was feeling getting to know two really cool people.

Then towards the end of the day, after breaking bread together and shopping together, K and I got in the back seat of the car and I just decided to be brave and lift up her shirt and touch her belly. That's when it happened. That's when it hit me. That is when for the first time all day, I felt like a mother about to have a baby. My hand on her skin got really warm and then all of a sudden I felt a hard kick on my palm and then another flutter. My jaw dropped and so did hers. I stared at her belly in shock and all the visions I have had of my son came rushing into my head. He is in there. Right there. This is the closest I have ever been to his physical body. My eyes filled with tears and K said "he's trying to tell you that he knows you're here."..and I said "I'm going to cry", almost as if to ask for permission and she said..."please, do...go ahead, cry." So we both laughed and I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. It all came together for me and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

From that moment on I have felt a deep and true happiness that I haven't ever felt before. A burning of joy that began swirling around inside of me and it hasn't gone away.

Today I wrote to a dear friend "I am so happy honey, totally happy..."to which that statement made my friend fall apart with tears. So many of my loved ones have written and left voicemails or text messages or blog comments that they are weepy with joy for us. Now I understand what they feel.

The following day before we headed home, we spent a few hours with K & T again. We shared more stories. We snuggled on the couch to gaze at ultrasound photos. We laughed. Talked about favorite films and books. Discovered we all have a lot in common and have lived in the same town at different times. I was utterly floored at how connected our lives seemed to be.

K on several occasions has referred to the baby in her belly as "your baby"...which, we find so very selfless and brave and are forever grateful for. She has been so generous in her reassurance that her and T have made the most perfect choice for them and this child by choosing us as the adoptive parents. I never once felt like it was wrong for me to be happy about this in her presence. She makes it very clear that our happiness is her comfort in that this baby will be so truly loved and taken good care of.

Honestly, I cannot believe I am saying the things I am saying. Boho Boy and I fully realize how unique and amazing this situation is and how truly blessed we are. We walked into this with so many fears and so many preconceived ideas of what felt comfortable to us. Many of those fears have fallen away and a trust and faith and an unfolding has taken place.

We are now just taking one day at a time and not putting any worry into what will come. What has transpired has proven to us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

We are humbled by all the positive, gentle, non-judgmental and wide open support we are receiving from family and friends. I'd like to say we don't need that but that couldn't be further from the truth. What we are doing is so vulnerable and huge and unfamiliar that we feel we are being carried by all these amazing love-warriors in our life. Thank you...each and every one of you. Yes, that means you.

K is still having contractions, so it could be any day now where we get the call and fly back out and try our best to get there for the birth and be with her in the room to coach, help her breathe, rub her back, hold our baby and then well...to be continued. ; )

It's all so bizarre...but a beautiful bizarre.

boho baby*

2008-10-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

me on our dock at Squam, photo by Thea Coughlin

Our lives are about to take a huge, wild, awe-inspiring shift.

We're adopting a newborn baby in a few weeks.

There, I said it. Can you believe it? Did I just totally rock your worlds?!?!?

I know, I know...I am still walking around in a daze wondering if this is all a dream and if I'll wake up. Well, it is a dream. A dream that has taken over our lives over the past few months but a dream that is real and present and overwhelmingly emotional in a beautiful way.

We've been preparing for this in every way that is possible the last few weeks but also learning to let go of the parts we truly cannot prepare for. It's been hard to keep it from you. I thought I should/could hold out a little longer but there are just so many emotions I need to work through right now and my blog has always been one of the places I felt safe to do this. Perhaps because of the very non judgmental and gentle support I receive from all of you.

Everyone knows that adopting a newborn has that risk. That risk that the birth mom will choose to keep the baby after birth and because of this, I wanted to protect us, protect you from getting too invested and attached. But then again, I realized that if I surprised you with a photo of our baby, that there would be so many questions and I would have missed that opportunity to share the journey leading up to this precious new person in our life.

Love is risky. Totally absolutely risky. So, in the name of love, I am taking this risk, knowing that it is worth it. Worth it to us, worth it to you and worth it to the little bean to ride this roller coaster that adoption can be.

A few months ago, my husband and I were on the trying to conceive train. We had considered adoption a while ago and when it fell through, we went back to what felt comfortable to us. We knew we would dip our toes back into adoption again. Perhaps for our second child but didn't feel quite ready.

Then we got an email. Our superhero adoption consultant had a birth mom in mind for us. She knew we weren't considering it but she had a gut feeling and she took the risk and put it out there for us, knowing our reaction might be full of fear and uncertainty. And it was. I was frightened. Frightened to put my heart out on the line again. But Boho Boy and I talked and both felt in our guts that we were supposed to hear her out and we did and then I must say...it felt like our hearts grew wide, wide open. We wanted to hear more and surprised ourselves. The birth mom sounded amazing and safe and intriguing.

She was due in November with a "presumed" girl. We had always imagined a girl in our life. I'm not sure exactly why. Perhaps it is that we are both so very sensitive and soft and I am so feminine. Most people in my life and on my blog said "girl, girl, girl". Our adoption consultant knew we had a girl in mind.

The birth mom received our profile book. A book of photos and the story of our life. While she was reading and gazing and marinating on our book, we were learning more and more bits about her that we were attracted to.

So, we fell in love with this birth mom and she has fallen in love with us. We're like a dream team for this baby, pulling together to figure this all out. Sometimes awkwardly. Sometimes with utter and complete flow.

While I was at Squam, I got a call from my husband that she went in for an ultrasound and they found out it was really not a girl. It was a boy.

Woah.

To be honest, at first it was an adjustment. I had a closet full of beautiful girl clothes given to me by a friend. What was he going to wear? Isn't it hilarious that in my shocked state of mind, I went to something so superficial? That's what shock does, I suppose.

It was so divinely perfect that I was surrounded by some of my tribe at that time. They gathered around me while at Squam and when I needed to break down and work through all the weird emotions that came up, they were there. Then there was one night in front of the fire in our cabin when I could literally feel my heart release and all this clarity came rushing in. The photo above was taken the next day. Can you see the peace?

What helped was that I remembered a few things that I had shoved away to protect my heart.

I saw a psychic a few years back that told me in a past life I was considered a Queen. I had many children and concubines that suckled them. There was one particular baby that missed that intimate connection with me and wanted to come back into my life for a new relationship. It was a boy, she said.

Then I remember about 6 months ago, I had a dream about a boy calling out my name. I woke up and missed him down deep.

I had another psychic session on the phone where she told me she saw a boy spirit around me.

Then I started reading this book called Spirit Babies and there was this chapter when the author of the book was counseling a couple. He has the gift to see spirit babies around people and has since he was little. This couple had tried to conceive for many years. He told them that he sees a spirit near them but that it is a boy and all these years, they have wanted a girl. For some reason, this really got to me and I started balling, tears flowed freely for a long while. I couldn't figure out why that hit me down in my gut.

Of course in retrospect, the messages I was getting from God and the Universe were so very clear. Funny how I consider myself so in touch, empathic and intuitive but yet I couldn't see any of this until now.

Now I cannot imagine it any other way. My heart is so very open and in love with this little boy and it all makes so much sense to me now. Everything. Everything leading up to this and all that we've gone through.

Some of the pain of our journey and longing to be pregnant is so fresh but so much of this joy is lifting those wounds. The connection we feel with our child goes beyond the womb and that is something I cannot really explain yet.

The birth mom is at 33 weeks and is having early contractions. We've been told that everything is fine with him and it could be any day now. She has had children before and each of them have been born quite early. So pre-term labor is common for her. They are all healthy and thriving.

We are not allowing worry to come into our life about the fact that he may be a preemie. We are not projecting anyone else's story onto ours. We will have our own story.

We've spent the last two weeks preparing our home, our hearts and our minds for what is to come. I can't really think about anything else but the health and comfort of our sweet birth mom, whether or not the baby is okay and the fact that I'll be a mommy very very soon.

Please keep the birth mom and this baby boy in your thoughts and prayers. We are flying out to meet her face to face this weekend. I am a bundle of nerves and excitement. In fact, I don't quite know what to do with myself until then. Will I totally lose it when I see her? Will I hold it together and be strong for her? Will it feel strange that our baby is in her belly? Will it feel beautiful? Will she like me? Will she like Boho Boy? Will our conversation flow? Will it be awkward? Will it be blissful?

Even though she has chosen us. Even though we've heard those words whispered to us, from her over the phone with absolute certainty. These vulnerabilities and insecurities surface.

Tune in to find out how it all went... ; )

vendor night*

2008-10-15T09:02:00.001-07:00

me setting up for vendor night at Squam, photo by Jinny Sagorin
(click image for larger view)

What a lot of people that haven't met me yet don't know is that I can be a wee bit shy. Not at all times but definitely shy in new crowds or standing in front of a class or, ummm...displaying my art on a vendor table. ; )

I'm not really a *look at me* kind of person. I'm much better one on one and in intimate conversations. Unless I have alcohol running through my blood. Then I might be more inclined to be a bit animated. My girls know that.

I've always pondered the idea of setting up a vendor table. We have something called ArtWalk once a year where I live when they close off Little Italy and artists set up camp for three days selling their art. Each year I think about doing it and each year I chicken out. I think a huge part of that is the anxiety I can feel in crowds. The idea of having five or more people in my tent overwhelms me. How could I connect with each of them when there is so much going on? I know I would have to let go of the need to connect so deeply with each person and that it is okay if someone walks in and out and just says hello.

Vendor night at Squam Art Workshops was wonderful practice for me. Little did everyone know that as I was sitting and smiling quietly behind my table watching passers by, I was full of anxiety. Although, each and every person that came to my table was so very caring and gentle and loving and supportive. They were sensitive to the fact that what we were doing is a bit vulnerable; Putting our heart and soul out there for others to comment on and share opinions about. It was a really cool venue at the tail end of a total love fest camp and I think the locals that came picked up on that energy. So, lucky me, right? It won't always be this love-festy...but it was a good way to get my feet wet for these sorts of things.

My favorite visitor to my table was an older woman about in her late 80's. She had long gray hair in a braid, smooth milky skin, big blue eyes and layers of adorable clothing. Very eclectic looking. She looked at each of my prints carefully, quietly, not really striking up a conversation for a while. I watched her totally mesmerized by her presence. She then put a print down, looked me in the eyes and said..."I'm an artist too. I paint nudes. I've always loved naked bodies. Especially men." Then she winked at me and gracefully walked to the next table.

That pretty much made my night.

how sweet are you...

2008-10-11T15:36:00.001-07:00

boho boy & elvis, canon digital rebel xti

How sweet were you this morning...

This is the first thing I opened my eyes to as the sun came up. You with your arm around Elvis and sleeping so peacefully. I sat there and stared for a while. Thinking you are so absolutely beautiful and I am madly in love with you. I stroked your cheek, ran my fingers through your hair. My heart welled up. I had to capture this moment. I quietly slipped out of bed to get my camera. I wanted this moment to last. Something I can go back to and remember how I felt this morning with the cool crisp air softly blowing through the window. Your curls flowing back and forth with the wind. Elvis purring, nestled into your arm...and me, your wife, feeling like a giddy girl totally crushed out by her man.

jonatha is in the house!

2008-10-09T22:32:00.001-07:00

jonatha brooke and me, photo by thea coughlin

girls will be girls. ; )

My dear friend Jonatha is on tour and if she is in your city, I do encourage you to go see her because if you do, well...your life will be changed...forever.

Not only have I fallen in love with each of her songs, her lyrics, the way she gracefully moves her body while she plays her guitar and flirts with her audience and charms each and every person that is under her spell...but I have fallen in love with her as a friend in my life. A support. A person that makes me laugh so hard my gut hurts. A friend that sends me a loving text message while running onto her plane to tell me all is going to be okay. A talented woman that has so much on her plate but yet always thinks of others in the midst of it all. A friend that is basically a true blue rock star but is so very humble and grounded and just wants to play her songs.

So, if you're in the mood to be totally charmed...find her and you'll see what I mean.

Here is Jonatha talking about the making of her latest album "The Works"...which is getting so much attention. This story touches my soul:

closer than your nose*

2008-10-08T22:07:00.001-07:00

penny, canon digital rebel xti

Today a friend of mine reminded me to find a space of quiet and listen to my inner guide. I was feeling conflicted about something. She said "you always know what you need and what feels right for you...just find some quiet and listen."

So I found some quiet. Then I listened. Through the tears. When the sobs fell silent and all I could hear was my breathing and I closed my eyes, it felt more clear. Then I knew what I needed to do and I did it and it was the right decision for me. I know this because as soon as I made that choice, my whole day shifted from feeling tied up in knots to feeling a complete peace wash over me.

Now I lay my head down tonight remembering that the answer is always within.

A kind and wise Zen Buddhist Priest friend of mine once told me this funny conversation between Zen folk:

"The answer is as close as your nose"

"Really, is it that far?"

proud friend*

2008-10-06T07:37:00.001-07:00

swirly girl prepping for the show

stacy love watching swirly do a reading from her book

stacy, alex, me, swirly & anne

stacy, me, mccabe, alex & swirly

A week from yesterday, I drove north to Los Angeles early in the morning to go help support two of my closest friends for their gallery event. Morning is my favorite time to take a long drive; windows down, crisp, cool air, music softly playing, coffee in hand. I had many thoughts whirling around in my head but most of them were about my girlfriends and how blessed I am to have the tribe surrounding me that I do.

I was arriving early to help my dear soul sister Stacy set up for her first show. She had this brilliant idea to use vintage bottles to showcase her gorgeous jewelry. I have lots of vintage bottles!! I'm in!! So, I boxed them all up and took them on their first trip to West Los Angeles!

I didn't expect to get the treat of spending the morning with both of my girly rockstars before the big show. While Stacy and I were fitting pendants to bottles and she was filling out cards, Swirly was hanging huge hand written signs and stringing vintage papers, photos and book pages along the walls. Music was playing. We were twirling. The gallery owner brought out the cider to cheers these two goddesses. It was such a treat to love on them and settle their nerves before the big day began.

So many times I sat back and observed them and felt an awe inspiring sense of pride for all the very hard work they have put their energy into to arrive at this place. Swirly with her amazing book and gorgeous pieces of art. Stacy with her soulful, intuitive gems (how magical is it that each of them find their way to whomever is supposed to receive the affirmation carved into the metal?). I have watched both of them unfold and blossom over the past year in a way that they are empowering themselves to live an authentic life...true to who they are and what they are passionate about.

All day, as dear friends came to support, to laugh, to lift them up, to cry, to hug, to share, to gather and circle, I witnessed all of it with a lump in my throat. It's strange to grasp that all the pain I have been through the last four years, has in a way led me to this point, with these friends that have circled me during this time and have allowed me to walk with them on their own journeys. How we've all taken the muck, the lessons, the trials, as well as the joys, the bliss, the triumphs and transformed all of it into our own unique pieces of art.

If you want to feel like you're walking through Swirly's book and hanging out on a vintage bottle with Stacy's gems...do check out the online gallery I put together for them (Make sure your speakers are on to hear Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin and wait for the gallery to load, then click once on the page with your mouse to activate the arrow keys on your keyboard to move from image to image).

Swirly did a video of the day...which brought me to huge tears:

(song in video is "Serpentine" by Kate Havenevik)

You'll totally feel the love and support felt throughout the day.

meeting momma zen*

2008-10-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

karen maezen miller (author of Momma Zen), canon digital rebel, xti

I wasn't sure what to expect when meeting Karen for our photo shoot. I read her book last year and gifted it to my close friends that were pregnant or new mothers because I was so in love with this woman and the effect her words had over me. I wanted my friends to feel that same peace and acceptance about their new journey into motherhood.

I had Karen's book on my nightstand and right before bed I would pick it up for a dose of wisdom. I found myself talking to my husband about it, reading him bits of chapters here and there. I couldn't read much at a time. I would have to put it down to soak in every morsel and marinate in it for a while. I noticed the lessons throughout her pages didn't just apply to motherhood. Being that I wasn't a mother yet, I applied it to my life as a wife, friend, daughter, sister, photographer.

Karen had left a comment on my blog and it was then that this author became even more real to me. We sent one another a few exchanges and with each exchange, I learned something pretty deep. Her wisdom has a lot of depth to it...so much so that most of the time, I wouldn't understand it right away and I had to step aside and think. Exactly what she wanted me to do.

So, with all of this said, I was slightly intimidated about going to her home and spending a few hours with her. All of this created in my own head, of course. That this Zen Buddhist Priest might be a bit untouchable and up on this pedestal I had created for her in my life.

When driving up the hill to her house, under a canopy of trees I found myself taking a deep, cleansing breath. The few weeks prior to this had been full of a lot of tight stress in my belly. A lot is going on in and around our world that is causing me to spin and that stress was tightly wound in my head, chest and stomach. That on top of visitors and responsibilities and travel non-stop. I didn't realize how very exhausted I was until I pulled up to her House of Zen and sat there in the car for a while. It was so quiet. I just stared through her gates and the bit of Zen garden I could see and could already feel stress falling off of me.

Walking through the gates and up to her house, I could see Karen leaning against her glass sliding door looking out for me. When we first locked eyes, her face lit up so brightly and she clapped her hands together with a joy that was contagious. I realized then she was just as thrilled to meet me as I was her. The pedestal I had created for her was no longer there to keep me from feeling equal. As we giddily strode towards one another and embraced, she pulled apart from me and stroked my shoulders while looking into my eyes. I melted even more. Her voice was a whisper...soft, gentle, sincere, loving. She basically had me at hello.

She led me around her house gently touching my arm. The way she walked was a gentle glide across the room. I felt like at any moment, she would whirl me around and start waltzing. How does she walk so softly, as if her feet are barely touching the ground? I marveled. Her phone had rang, so it gave me time to sit and be alone with what I had just experienced. While she was chatting on the phone, I was looking out to her 100 year old Zen garden in the back of her house (which is all windows so you can see it wherever you are). I closed my eyes and took some more breaths. I felt a peaceful, quiet, warm, welcoming, light space all around me. Suddenly, the past few weeks of stress didn't matter any longer. Nothing did but that moment. When she returned to the chair next to me, it was her whisper again that kept me present. I sat more softly into the couch and let her tell me stories that had me enraptured. I knew I was supposed to be there for her but I felt like she was there for me. Isn't it this balance between people and their love, respect and admiration for one another that keeps the two fulfilled simultaneously?

The photo shoot was more playful than I had imagined. So much laughter and giggling and friendship. Her home was a space that no matter what we were doing, it felt like meditating to me. Hearing her laugh and seeing her smile made me feel close to a side to her that I wasn't expecting to explore. Laying on my belly with her on the grass, seeing each blade as important and with meaning is an example of how easy it was to stay present with her in each moment.

Towards the end of our shoot, it was getting dark and she brought me into her house to share soup with her and her wonderful family. How did she know what I needed? For the first time in days I let someone take care of me. With each tasty spoonful her and her husband shared their intimate stories of parenthood in the early days. What I loved most was how Karen would gently stop and put her had on my arm and tell me that I will have my own story and my own way of doing things. One of the huge lessons I received from her book, she was again reassuring me in person. Being careful not to project her story onto mine. Encouraging me to explore my own intuition and inner guide.

She has a way of sharing her wisdom and empowering those that she is with. Being with her is like standing under a warm water fall. I felt cleansed and filled up all at once.

something beautiful...

2008-09-30T23:48:00.001-07:00

(click for larger view)

Found this today and it cracked me up. Sometimes I think a photo of my client looks so hot and they can only see what they think are flaws. We all do it and being behind the lens has taught me to see images as a whole. So, even with photos of myself...I try not to just see the bags under my eyes.

I am here...just being a bit quiet. Have a lot of juicy stuff on my plate and am whirling around in it all. I will post some pretty photos of the Swirly & Stacy show in LA soon. It was pure magic.

I also had a very healing photo session with someone special and I will post about that soon as well. So healing that I am needing to marinate in it because life as I knew it has changed for me after being with her.

Until then...tell me something beautiful about yourself.

savor*

2008-09-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

mati rose, canon digital rebel xti

Savor. To appreciate fully; enjoy or relish. ~ American Heritage Dictionary

What are you savoring today?

the whole of the journey*

2008-09-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

swirly's hands, canon digital rebel xti

I love when we're out camping in the woods how our bodies become so connected to the ebb and flow of nature. You rise with the sun and fall sleep as it goes down. Coming back from Squam, that connection to nature followed me. So has a peace that transcends the stress a more urban life can bring. That peace I felt walking down the bark filled, pine scented paths is still very present for me. My life has shifted in a way that feels soothing. There is so much healing to be done from this four year path of trying to conceive that we've been on and I feel that healing has already begun. It all began when a dear soul led me to a book called Spirit Babies a few weeks before Squam. That book shifted my perspective in huge ways. At first I was skeptical but then certain chapters resonated so deeply and I created some time and space to try and connect with the spirit of our future child and as weird as it may sound, I truly felt it. It helped me feel connected in a way that felt so real and necessary. Confusion and doubt seemed to melt away the days following this time of prayer and communication that I had sitting on our bed that day and rather than question, I am trusting.

This had freed up my heart to dive into the events ahead of me. Squam felt like a spring board for my journey to photographing and nurturing artists and I am still coasting on that high. So, now I am in this space of just knowing I am where I am supposed to be. When sharing my journey with others, I feel a confidence within me that all that has transpired; the beautiful, the painful, the raw, the wild, the aggravating, the pure joy and revelation... has led me to where and who I am today. It has led me to all the gentle and inspiring souls that are in my life, circling us. I just don't spend a lot of energy questioning any longer. I actually even find myself thanking my baby for waiting. Now I feel because of all that has transpired, I can be a more present mother, feeling more solid in who I am as a wife, friend, daughter, sister and artist...because during the past four years, I was able to nurture those other parts of me. These aren't just words. This past month, those that know me the best have told me they've noticed a shift. I keep hearing..."you are so centered. you are so grounded. you sound GOOD. you seem peaceful." It hasn't seemed to fade away and I am just staying present in each moment and embracing that it is there with me.

My sister Pamela is coming to town to stay with me for a few days. Then this weekend I am heading North to help support two women in my life whom I love so very much; Swirly & Stacy at their show in West Los Angeles at the Peach Tree Gallery on Sunday (hope to see you there!). From there, I get to spend time with the lovely Karen Maezen Miller to photograph her beautiful self and soak up her Zen-ness. All this to say, I won't be around my blog until next Tuesday or so.

I look at this photo I took of Swirly's hands and it reminds me of the more clear perspective I have of this journey for me. Each piece is so messy and complex but when its brought all together to create the whole of the journey, it is so very beautiful, isn't it?

indigo girl*

2008-09-23T08:06:00.001-07:00

kelly...the beautiful indigo girl, canon digital rebel xti

In reflecting back on all the delicious Squam moments, I often come back to this one. I was walking by the playhouse and I saw Kelly of Camp Indigo getting ready for her class. I have wanted to photograph her for years. I whispered her name and pulled her aside (so impromptu...what a sport) and we nestled up on the wooden steps in the front. The steps were lined with pots of flowers and for some reason, that made the environment feel as if we were on the steps of our home. People were walking by and up the steps to the class but I was mesmorized by her beauty and her energy. It was the first time Kelly and I were able to steal a true moment, totally relaxed and face to face after a few years of reading one another's blog.

I loved how comfy I felt with her. The pleasant surprise that transpires when meeting the real person behind the blog and realizing she/he is one in the same and not at all different than what is portrayed. Her sense of humor on her blog was very alive in this exchange. I finally convinced her to be serious for a little sex kitten shot and I think I said a swear word or something and I immediately stopped and asked..."Oh my gosh, are you a Mormon?"...totally feeling mortified that I may have offended her and we both burst out laughing and my camera moved and captured this shot. Then she proceeded to tell me she had a potty mouth and I felt much better. When looking through all of my photos, I was so very grateful that my lens captured this moment for us because as silly as it was...it was a healing balm for me during a time that I was feeling tied up in knots about some stuff.

Thank you, indigo girl...you are magic.

Although, later during Squam I met a Mormom that sweared...but I am not telling you who it was. ; )

i heart my job*

2008-09-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

kelly rae roberts, canon digital rebel xti

jen gray, canon digital rebel xti

kirsten michelle, canon digital rebel xti

mati rose, canon digital rebel xti

Lisa Occhipinti, canon digital rebel xti

Penelope Dullaghan, canon digital rebel xti

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

I've been marinating in the glow of my clients that I have been processing this week. One thing about photographing artists is that each of them have a unique, wild and gorgeous story to how they got to where they are and I am loving the chance to learn from and be inspired by the steps they have taken.

Above are a few photos from sessions I had during my time at Squam. Each session carried with it an intimate exchange that left me feeling totally crushed out and goose bumped. I look back at all the jobs I've had in my life (Gap & Banana Republic girl, barista, helpdesk geek, executive assistant) and I just have to pinch myself to believe that this dreamy stuff is my job. It feels like a drug. I want more!

I'm still in the midst of processing a plethora of photos and will share more as it unfolds.

What I loved most about each of these sessions is I witnessed a melting of stress during our time together. Each of them had responsibilities at Squam that were a bit beyond their comfort zone and by the time I was able to steal them away, they needed some nurturing. It felt so good to lay them down in the grass and tell them to breathe and remember that in this moment, they don't have to be anywhere or say anything or think or do or act...but just be still and get filled up by nature and play.

It's not just about capturing their image through my lens. It's about healing and letting go and receiving when my clients tend to give so much. I am honored to offer that solace for them.

Yes, I heart my job.

always shining*

2008-09-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

my jen, my light at squam, canon digital rebel xti

I've started to write this post a hundred times but continue to pull back because I struggle with how it is even possible to put into words what I experienced at Squam. As I have waited to write this, others have written it before me and I felt like they were telling my story and I just couldn't describe it any clearer than that.

My place at Squam was unique in that I didn't take any classes and they were such a huge part of every day (9am - Noon and 1pm - dinner time). What I was able to do was roam around and observe during the times I didn't have a photo session with an artist (those sessions were scattered throughout the day). I spent a lot of time tagging a long with Thea, who was the event photographer and as she was taking photos of the teachers and students, I sat on the ground to watch (my favorite spot being near a fireplace) and observe these beautiful souls unfolding.

I was like the quiet one in the background watching students try a different stroke, pick up bubble wrap, cover it with paint and press it on a canvas. I was able to see spirits soar when something clicked and laughter when it got messy and they started over. It was a very emotional experience for me in that I wasn't caught up in what I was going through but more what they were experiencing and it was such an honor. I fell in love with people all day long. My heart was constantly filled with an overspilling of warmth and many many times, when I would get a chance to connect with someone one on one, it almost always resulted in tears and full body hugs.

I am not sure where to begin with the sharing and I am sure I will share bits throughout the next few weeks. I just know that while I was there, I was the happiest I have been in years. There was a lightness of being within me. I'm not sure if it was just being in the woods, which has been a healer for me all of my life or being surrounded by so many open, sensitive, generous, loving, MUSHY individuals at once. I think it was a mixture of both. I think another part was that right before the trip, I had let go of some very heavy, sad feelings about my fertility journey and was filled with this very unexpected peace and trust that it was all going to be okay. I spent time with a handful of pregnant women at Squam and where any other time that would have felt so very painful and isolating, I found myself wanting to celebrate them and photograph their bellies. I remember walking away from each of those moments with tears in my eyes and an urge to go jump in the cool water of the lake as a symbol of feeling cleansed of the muck.

I just want to thank each of you (and I write this with huge tears welling) for seeing me. Especially those of you that read my blog and approached me for the first time to tell me how my story has touched you. I mean, I was really nervous about that. Worried that each of you would only see me as this woman that was trying to conceive and just couldn't get pregnant. But instead, you told me all the other things you saw in me and that was so very empowering and needed and appreciated and full of more purpose for my life. Because my story is about so much more than my challenge in getting pregnant and YOU helped me to remember this. So, I walked with a lighter step and my heart opened a bit more and my fears fell off to the ground one by one and I truly was able to put my energy into my outrageously special sessions with some artists.

And can I tell you how much that meant to me? For someone who is going in the direction of photographing artists how wild is it to be surrounded by them 24/7 for four days straight? So inspiring to the core and it was so confirmed in my heart that this is the gig that's going to fill me up for a lifetime. For those of you that I wanted to photograph but didn't get the chance to, THANK YOU for being part of inspiring me, just by watching and observing your beautiful spirits.

This was a life altering time for me and for so many others. We all had our moments, our tears, our insecurities, our freak-outs and nerves and we all came together to remind one another that we're not alone and that those scary feelings are all part of where our art comes from...whatever that medium of expression may be.

Just like when we stumbled upon gorgeous and brilliant Jenica in the dark of the woods because she didn't have a flashlight and we placed our arms in hers and with our flashlight, led her back to her cabin. That is what we all did for one another. We led one another to our homes, our hearts, our passions, our dreams...with our own lights. A light that each of us has and each of us shared with one another. So unique, so bright and always shining if we allow it to.

post squam feelings*

2008-09-15T21:25:00.001-07:00

thea on the dock near our cabin, canon 40D

I'm home,
and happier than I have been in so long.
Feeling loved.
Seen.
Inspired.
Moved.
Broken.
Put back together.
Unfolded.
Understood.
Found.
Connected.
Drenched in woods and lake.
Blissfully exhausted.
Belly hurts from laughter.
Mouth hurts from smiling.
Eyes heavy from joyful tears.

I am so tired from only a few hours of sleep per night and therefor cannot form complete sentences. Just know that I spent today, my birthday, in the arms of the man I love and missed so deeply, sharing all the stories that have shifted my life in such a beautiful way.

It was surreal and in a few days, I hope to find a way to express the magic and warmth that I was surrounded with during my time at Squam. I thought this photo I took of Thea sums up the essence of it all quite well.

2008-09-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today I am launching my new photography website with a bright smile on my face and my heart thumping wildly. I am so excited to explore this new direction of photographing artists, musicians and those that are longing to connect with their artist within. My site has images of various artists fading in and out with a link to their website underneath. My desire is to help promote them on their own creative journeys, as they have supported me on mine by allowing me to capture their essence.

The unfolding of this new website and direction feels so harmonious with me heading to New Hampshire tomorrow to spend the week at Squam Art Workshops. My intentions in going is to photograph artists, although the time to do this in between classes is minimal, I'll do my best to get in as much as I can while respecting the ebb and flow and connection I feel with each person during the sessions. I am not one to photograph under the pressure of feeling rushed, so am not putting too much expectation on the number of people I photograph. This is a time to let go and let it flow. I am looking forward to opening myself up to mother nature with long walks, meditation, bonfires, sweet melodies, breathing deeply, connecting with old friends and meeting some damn cool soulful peeps.

On Saturday evening, I will be selling prints and postcard sets at the Squam Art Fair in the lovely 18th century New England town of Sandwich, NH. I so hope to see those of you that live nearby! Click on this image for details...

I hope each of you have a week full of passion, peace and adventure. I'll be back on my birthday. ; )

for wanderers, dreamers and lovers...

2008-09-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

fellow searchers... tara whitney and em, canon digital rebel xti

I received this quote in my email from a dear reader of mine and have read it over and over because it really resonates with me.

I wanted to share it with you with hopes that you will find yourself understood this weekend, knowing that there are many searchers walking the path... side by side, right along with you.

"I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves."

~James Kavanaugh

still and rooted*

2008-09-03T09:11:00.001-07:00

me feeling grounded, canon digital rebel xti

Recently, I became aware, through the gentle help of a life coach, how much our body speaks to us and is a source of clues into how we are feeling about something. Meaning...when she asked me to share how I felt about certain issues going on in my life, she also asked me what my body was doing in that moment while I was sharing. I found, that when I spoke about things I feel peaceful about, my body was relaxed and my arms/palms in an open position. When I spoke about things that are surrounded in fear and anxiety, my body felt tight and closed off, arms folded against my stomach or chest. When I spoke about things I feel certain about, even if I was sitting, I would move my legs to where my feet were planted on the ground...feeling grounded and warrior-like. This was all subconscious until she put my awareness there, after the fact.

This awareness created a connectedness I haven't felt within my body in a while. It helped me to trust again in my inner voice when faced with decisions that are laced with confusion. I felt like in those moments, that voice was speaking to me through my body language.

Within all those moments, it was the awareness of me feeling grounded in parts of my life that I am wanting to revel in. When so many things feel whirly and tossed around for me right now, it feels so good to know there are places that are still and rooted.

garden babies*

2008-09-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

new flowers on our veranda, canon digital rebel xti

Boho Boy and I spent the day yesterday at our nursery down the street. This place has such a joyful energy. The flowers and plants in good health and stretching towards the sun with gratefulness for their care. Each person working there is so eager to help, hoping to find the most nurturing home for their garden babies.

We came home and planted our new flora family on our veranda. Now I have an urge to return to the nursery and explore some more color patterns to fill more pots.

There is something about digging deep into soil with my bare hands and connecting to mother earth's life cycle that helps me to feel fertile in so many ways.

hope and release*

2008-08-29T08:03:00.001-07:00

em, canon digital rebel xti

This week I've been bitten by the sore throat, achy body bug and have had no choice but to slow down and rest. I've been quite busy preparing for Squam and tying up loose ends so that when I leave on the 9th for the trip, I can take a deep breath and be able to completely absorb what is transpiring around me by the lake.

I tend to have guilt surrounding the idea of me resting during the day. When I woke up this morning with a throat that burned so badly that I couldn't swallow, I let go of that guilt. Boho Boy made me an icy chocolate banana egg white protein shake before he left for work and now I lay here in bed while the icy drink sooths the burn.

This quiet time the last few days has been what I have needed to ponder some feelings that are surfacing about my journey. A beautiful soul guided me to the book Spirit Babiesand I've really enjoyed reading about the clairvoyant gift this author was born with. It always seems when I begin to feel depleted and confused, that some sort of clarity comes into my life and hope is offered to me.

I needed this hope.

So, today I am going to read through the book, rest, take naps, listen to a podcast by the author, create new playlists...all from my cushiony bed. Since Squam is around the corner, I truly want to feel 100% and this means resisting all the active things I am tempted to do today.

This photo of Emily above emulates the hope and release I feel in my heart today.

boho girl vlog {2}

2008-08-26T19:14:00.001-07:00

new dark hair, canon digital rebel xti

click once to play

A sweet friend of mine blessed me today with much darker hair. She is an artist with color and I love to watch her work and get in the zone. Another stylist walked up to us to watch and she was 7 months pregnant. I asked if I could touch her belly and she lifted up her shirt for a skin on skin contact. I swooned over her stretched tattoo. When she walked away, my friend stroked my shoulders and said "you are so strong..." and I got all weepy.

I did feel strong today.

Then I came home to a soft wind blowing from our veranda. A wind that smelled like coconut and flowers. I wanted to share it with you. In the background, you can hear children playing in the water. This next weekend Boho Boy and I are going to plant a lot more flowers and hang prayer flags out there. I'll be sure to show you.

My recorded footsteps are inspired by my soul sister love...Jen Gray.

I MUST invest in a real video camera soon so my vlogs will be much clearer for you.

*****************
dear blog reader kerilyn...i am unable to respond to your message inquiring about photographers in your area because the email address you sent to me through my photography website is not working. please send me the correct email so i can get that info to you. thanks so much!

Ordinary Sparkling Moments*

2008-08-25T08:44:00.001-07:00

"Ordinary Sparkling Moments", limited hardcover edition by Christine Mason Miller

The other day I received a package in the mail that I've anticipated for months. My dear friend has poured her entire heart and soul into this book and to have it in my hands felt like a precious treasure. This was the first time in my life when I have been really close to someone that has gone through this entire process from beginning to end. Learning all of the many steps needed to accomplish this gave me a whole new appreciation for this vulnerable, yet empowering path an author takes.

Each day since I received Swirly's book, I've carefully read a few pages at a time. Each page is an art piece in and of itself and I soak up every morsel. My heart swells with pride and awe of how she has been so absolutely raw...wide open...for the world to see. I told her that lives will change the moment they begin to read her story...and I have learned from others that have read through these pages that it is indeed true.

This book came into my life at the most perfect time. One of the first things I read...

"I am finding myself once again.
She is waiting with open arms."

The image of this inspires huge spilling tears each time I imagine my true self, waiting to embrace me, as I take baby steps closer and closer towards her.

If you are in need of inspiration that feels so in reach...know that it is here, in the pages of my beautiful friend's life book.

edited to add: for those of you inquiring on where to get a copy, she is selling them on her website, as well as in her Etsy shop.

boho girl vlog {1}

2008-08-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

(click to play)

Until I get a proper video camera, the one on my new cell phone will have to do. ;) Forgive the blurry pixel-y style.

A lot of my friends have been encouraging me to vlog (video blogging) but I always shied away because I am super nervous in front of cameras. Ironic being that I am a photographer. I am so much more comfy behind the lens. So...this is me stepping out of my comfort zone in a big way!

The more I play, the more at ease I will feel. The video camera on my phone only records small increments at a time...but less is more, right?

Relax into yourselves this weekend.
xo

Wrap Up Africa*

2008-08-21T08:52:00.001-07:00

Rita (program administrator) & Letha (Founder) in Uganda, photo by Tilly Temperly

I've known my dear friend Letha since 5th grade. When I look back on our colorful history together as friends, I am filled with warmth and pride. We stayed ever so close through Madonna, florescent socks, first kisses, bi-level haircuts, break-ups, broken hearts, moves across the country and the list goes on.

She was a friend in my life that always inspired me to seek within for what I am passionate about. She encouraged me in my quest to remain unique in the choices for my life. At a very young age she was sharing with me how she wanted to somehow make a difference in the world. A huge difference. At that time she wondered if it was working in marine biology. I remember her talking to me about this in her room covered in paintings she had done of dolphins and mermaids and sea life. There was always such a power in her step and her goals...like you had absolutely no doubt she would arrive wherever she dreamed.

She married a very gifted doctor and although at times it felt like his career is what steered their lives, where they lived, how long they stayed...she somehow made those experiences about her dreams as well. She finished art school and her paintings hung in galleries and coffee shops with a long list of commissions. When they had to move back to Seattle, she started her own business selling her clothing designs. As soon as that started picking up, they received the news that they would be moving to Africa. This was a huge dream for her husband who studied international medicine and wanted to be part of discovering a cure for malaria.

The idea of moving to Africa blew her away. She didn't want to just be there as a wife, supporting only his dream, although she was so very supportive of it. She wanted to make a difference in her way, with her gifts and this was her opportunity to figure out a way to save lives along side her husband but with a creative twist.

I write this with tears in my eyes when I see how very hard she has worked this last year. My dear friend Letha amazes me to no end. She has a huge, sensitive heart and seeing so many patients that she has grown to love pass away over and over has taken its toll. It has made her quest to help save lives even greater. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and helpless, she has channeled that energy into creating change.

She founded Wrap Up Africa which is an organization that helps provide jobs through local partnerships where the profits will be funneled back to community support programs through non-profit partners. Wrap Up Africa collaborates with the Uganda Cancer Institute in Kampala, Uganda to help with the growing and often unrecognized needs of the patients.

Letha has designed wrap skirts to fit any body type. She then trains local Ugandans (many of them are parents of cancer patients) to sew the skirts...providing them with a job that not only helps their family live a little more comfortably but helps care for their dear child who has cancer (see photos of this here). She gets so much joy out of seeing these parents feel as though they have a sense of purpose now because sitting around and waiting was just too painful.

Wrap Up Africa also supports education, nutrition, therapeutic art and play and other basic needs of the patients.

If you want to help support her cause, do check out her Etsy shop...knowing that if you purchase a skirt, you are helping to save lives. So powerful. So real. So important.

I feel so blessed that she chose Boho Boy and I to do the website design. It provided us with a close-up to all that is unfolding over there because until then, it all felt so far away.

I want to go back in time to that moment when we were curled up on her bed in high school and she was passionately declaring her dream to help save the world. I want to go back there and hug her tightly, gently grab her face and say, "you did it honey...you did it."

As challenging as it is to live in Uganda, she has fallen in love with the people and landscapes. Her son has adjusted to the local school and her husband is where he has always felt he belonged.

I'm so proud to be her friend.

dream*

2008-08-19T10:08:00.001-07:00

charlie (photo session), canon digital rebel xti

I had a dream last night that I was sitting on a velvet couch at a cafe. My mind was interlaced with the book I was reading and the table in front of me to the left. There was a male psychic giving a reading to a woman. He had long gray hair and a peppered beard. I thought I remember him wearing a cloak.

My head was down and I heard him say in my direction;
"Excuse me, ma'am..." in an authoritative voice.

I looked up at him and he was pointing at me with white gloves on. He asked;
"How old are you?"

I answered;
"36"
and simultaneously, he answered his own question with "37".

"Well, not really", I replied..."I'll be 37 in a few weeks."

He then said;
"You're going to have a baby."

I felt my eyes get larger and my mouth slightly open. The woman he was giving the reading to jerked her head my way with a huge smile. But he didn't smile. He had such a serious look on his face, almost exasperated, like he knew that he would have to convince me.

He continued;
"You'll need to take care of that round belly of yours and make sure to keep it in there for 9 or 10 months."

Then he turned around and went about the reading with this woman. I sat there stunned. How could this man even know my story? Something deep inside me didn't question this gift. I knew I needed this reassurance so badly. I knew I needed it now in particular, as I have been feeling myself slip into sorrow and impatience.

As I gathered my things and brushed crumbs off of my skirt, I walked over to their table and put my hand on his shoulder. Tears welled up in my eyes and I felt like if I didn't say what I wanted to say in a quick fashion, I would have fell to my knees with weepy gratitude.

"You have no idea how much I needed to hear this...thank you."

I saw a kindness fill up in his eyes that slightly washed away the abrasiveness I first felt from him. As I walked away, I heard his last words trail after me...

"This child is going to be very special, you know."

And I walked away knowing. Knowing that this must be the reason why our baby is taking so long to get here. There must be a specific purpose to their life.

I know this was a dream but rarely do I remember my wild dreams each night with such detail. I still can see this mans face so clearly. I still can feel the myriad of emotions I felt while sitting on that velvet couch. And I still believe what I felt walking out of that coffee shop. The reassurance from his words didn't fade away as I opened my eyes to stare at the indigo walls in our bedroom this morning.

the language of surfers...

2008-08-17T18:00:00.001-07:00

logan (photo session), canon digital rebel xti

Boho Boy and I just returned from a few days away in nature to celebrate our anniversary. It wasn't far away. In fact, just about 30 minutes north of us...but we imagined we were thousands of miles away on an island resort near the sea. We both have pretty huge imaginations, so it wasn't hard to dream up and believe. We tried not to remember that our computers and our work were just a few exits down the highway.

Both him and I talk so much about wanting to live somewhere else. Somewhere cooler and less expensive so we can actually buy a house with a yard. Somewhere more cultural and funky and artsy and well, different. Because we spend so much time dreaming of this place, we don't take enough time to appreciate where we are, in the present moment. Its always during times when we step away from our everyday life that we realize we live in a spot where thousands tourists come from across the world for their vacations. Our beaches are sublime. Our waves a m a z i n g. Our weather pretty much perfect. Whenever we spend time at the beach, we look at one another and say "we live here...". For some reason during this time away, it hit us a little harder that we need to appreciate the parts of our hometown that are indeed unique and magical and spiritual.

As much as I have loved the ocean and being near it all of my life, I also fear it in a big way. Being submersed in salty water with sea creatures and powerful currents crashing over me can cause a bit of anxiety and at times has kept me watching from the sand. Lately, I have been a bit more daring like I was when I was younger and have played in the waves. We went out a few times over the past few days and there is such a magical energy force that permeates my being when diving underneath a large wave. It makes me both laugh out of joy and cry out of fear. It's such a rush. I realize I am beginning to speak the language of surfers but in a sense, I am resonating with them a bit more each time I go out. I so get it. I get why it consumes them and why they would get up at the crack of dawn...even during the wintry weather.

So, a lot of inspirations came to me while in the water but one was a bit random and odd that I just can't seem to get out of my head. I envisioned this cool vintage looking sign to hang in my kitchen with the word "Recycling" on it. We need to put a sign above our recycling bin because people tend to think it is our garbage when they come over. I am wondering if any of you creative betties are into making painted signs or know of someone who does that would custom design one for me? I wish I had time to make one myself but I also love to support other independent artists out in our world. I love the worn out shabby chic look (but not overboard). Totally random, I know...but if you can think of something or someone, please let me know in the comments. Thanks so much!

Four Years*

2008-08-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

our wedding day, photo by robin nations

Happy Anniversary, my love.

Last night, as our home filled up with the smell of incense, I looked down at you from the loft above. I saw you sitting on the couch, with the beautiful curls from your hair sticking out behind your ears because you're growing your hair out. You were talking on the phone with your best friend and I smiled hearing your Canadian accent come through. Always happens when you talk with him and hear his. The kitties were curled up near you. You were laughing and glowing. My heart just totally swooned like a school girl peeking at her crush around the corner. I love that four years later...I still feel so in love with you. In that moment, I felt truly, truly happy to the core.

Thank you for marrying me by the sea four years ago today. I'm a lucky girl.

in the quiet...

2008-08-12T15:22:00.001-07:00

em falconbridge, canon digital rebel xti

I've found myself in a quiet space lately. Not just me really, both boho boy and I have been silently mindful, working together in our studio upstairs, both on separate projects but still feeling each others presence close. We have a lot on our minds and simultaneously have a lot of work to do. Its a blessing to have no choice but to get to a place of balance so that we are able to provide our clients with a beautiful piece of art...despite the inner turmoil we may be feeling. Feeling grateful for abundance with work definitely shifts perspective.

This past month we both felt some impatient feelings surface about our fertility journey. The longing is getting stronger, as the hope gets wider. Our bodies feel fertile and ready and it has been taking quite a bit of energy to not look back and allow the fear of new things failing to creep up on us. We're at a place where we are discussing other options...every single possible kind of option and asking one another, "what do you feel deep in your heart about this? what is your gut?" These are questions that sometimes we can answer right away and sometimes we have to ask for time. We've never been one to rush into any decisions. Our slow and mindful way of going about this journey from the inside out would probably annoy many people but we are fortunate that the lovelies in our life get it and support us.

Its another lesson for us in tapping into our inner wisdom...that voice that sounds so sure and strong and powerful. Its so easy for us to hear of another couple's story and what worked for them and to feel that might be the answer for us too but we have to be reminded...no two stories are a like and that we have our own precious story unfolding before us. There is not one way, one treatment, one option that is right for everyone and through learning this, we have gained an awareness of our inner voice and trusting that guidance.

Its beautiful, really...how much we've endured and how much closer we have become. That when one of us feels like we're going to lose it, the other one takes the reigns and keeps us moving.

I've been feeling really close to this little spirit floating around me. I dream about it and wake up wondering where my baby is because it feels so real. I know that this is what has made the last few months tougher. Just knowing it is all so close. This is the biggest lesson in patience that I have ever had and perhaps will ever have in my life.

I know some day it will all make sense. I will kneel down to my child and have that conversation expressing gratefulness for them coming into our life when they did. I'll know that the timing was absolutely perfect and that they waited for good reason. Today, I can already look back and see all the amazing opportunities that have come into my life that otherwise may not have had I had a child a few years ago. I just need to be reminded to trust that process when the ache gets so big that I want to carry around a soft cushiony pillow against my chest to soften the blow.

Being "in the quiet" lately...up here in the studio with boho boy...has helped me to turn the panic around and move through this more gracefully and thoughtfully. I never feel alone in this. Whether it be with him or with my dear tribe...all that embody the patience of saints. I never feel alone.

I just ask that as these days are getting more tender, that you all keep us in your thoughts and prayers and to help us focus on the positive and to keep those affirmations coming. So many of you have an energy about you that reminds me how fertile I am in all areas of my life. Thank you for that.

client cards and things*

2008-08-11T11:42:00.001-07:00

announcement front (left) and back (right) ~ click for larger view

I'm having way too much fun with these! I'm wanting to provide my clients with an option to have cards, announcements, invitations, etc...designed by me for special occasions (or just because they need stationary).

This one above I worked on this weekend and I'm still working on other styles for them. There's something so restoring about putting earphones on at the computer and listening to some groovy tunes while feeling inspired to create.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately and this has been my ticket out of funkland. This and the Olympics. ; )

More soon.

The Twins*

2008-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

charlie & logan, canon digital rebel xti (click for larger view)

Do you remember these guys? I had the privilege of photographing them again to document their 2 year birthday. These cute little dudes are miracle babies, born from an amazing couple that was on a fertility journey very similar to ours.

I wondered how I would feel being around them as I had freshly just come to grips that yet another month had gone by without conception. I never know how I will feel around babies at such a tender time. I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't at all triggered but was totally preoccupied with running around and trying to keep up with them on the beach. This photo above was taken at the end of the session, when they were pooped and finally stood still (waving at their momma who was jumping up and down and making goofy noises...bless her).

Being with two miracles gave me hope that I needed. Sometimes I need that reminder more than others. Last night was one of those times.

I drove away from the session with my windows rolled down, no music...and just allowing the wind to create that soothing space for me. I felt exhausted from running around and scooping them up as the waves almost crashed over their tiny bodies. I was comforted by the fact that I could shut off my mind for a few hours and dive into the art making I do with my lens. Not to mention that the energy of the ocean never fails to heal a heart that feels a bit broken.

My friend Emily let me borrow her fabulous chair for this shoot. Now I am on a hunt to find one at a second hand shop that I can use in photo shoots and that my kitties can curl up in. So fun!!! Speaking of Emily...check out the new gorgeous paintings in her shop. I am commissioning her to do a HUGE one for my home. She is also the one that designs those gorgeous camera straps. I have a red Asian print one that I love.

message to those inner gremlins...

2008-08-06T10:37:00.001-07:00

self portrait, canon digital rebel xti

I am enough.

to my tribe...

2008-08-04T10:56:00.001-07:00

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

thank you for allowing me the space to spill my tears,
even when i try to hold back.

thank you for shouting to the sky for me,
when i don't have the energy to.

thank you for never questioning my love for you,
when i need to pull back and be quiet.

thank you for saying its my turn to be pregnant,
when i discovered 7 acquaintances were pregnant in one week.

thank you for suggesting i tear off my clothes and go to the ocean,
because you knew the salt water would heal the wounds.

thank you for reminding me how wonderful Nia feels,
when i felt too tired to move.

thank you for saying i am not delicate during this time of the month,
but that i just need to reserve my energies. that felt empowering.

thank you for the special ways each of you nurture.
it feels like a soothing balm of pure white softness.

and the Gratitude Giftie goes to...

2008-08-03T16:47:00.001-07:00

boho boy drawing a name & me holding the winner (click for larger view)

Nashay!!!

So, my dear Nashay (we heart your name)...do browse around my shop and let me know which 8 x 10 print you crave most and then email me at denise@bohophoto.com with your mailing address.

And to all the ones who entered...I just wanted to say how very moved to tears I was by those of you who shared your thoughts and feelings on my journey and art. In fact, when I took some time on Sunday to put my earphones on, listen to Amy Seeley and write out each of your names, I set aside some precious time to read your words again. A huge part of me wanted to choose the person by their heartfelt sharings but I had to trust that the one we chose in the hat was meant to receive this gift. I wish I could give something to all of you. Especially those of you who spilled your heart into the comments. You gave me such a gift that I was not expecting. Thank you.

It was fun to play this with Boho Boy. I swished the hat around for a while and blew some kisses into the hat, then set it down and he chose the name. I might do this twice a year!

Again...thank you for being here with me on this journey and for your support. It breathes strength and inspiration into my days.

Tonight Boho Boy and I watched the sun go down while we were in the ocean, jumping in and out of waves and holding onto one another. There is nothing like the healing energy of the sea. Now I lay my head down to sleep with that wonderfully exhausted feeling one feels after spending time being tossed by the sea.

Photo Friday :: Beauty

2008-07-31T22:50:00.001-07:00

em falconbridge, canon digital rebel xti

I feel like this photo embodies three of my deepest beauty loves: nature, bohemian and romance. Thank you, Embers...for indulging me. ; )

Speaking of beauty...my lovely friend Kelly Rae Robert's book Taking Flight: Inspiration + Techniques to Give Your Creative Spirit Wings can be pre-ordered but the last day to get the pre-order special is August 1st! This special includes a never-before-seen art print (size 5x7) and an entry to win the original painting. How yummy is that? She answers detailed questions about the book here.

If you haven't left a comment yet for the Boho Gratitude Gift Print in my previous post, please do so. Boho Boy and I can't wait to play this weekend and pull a name!

gratitude giftie*

2008-07-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

"hanging to dry" print in my shop

I am feeling so very grateful for the gentle and endearing support of my readers that I want to give something tangible back. If you would like to have one of the 8 x 10 prints in my shop, please leave a comment, so I can find you. Boho Boy and I will put all the names in a hat, draw it this weekend and announce the owner of the print on Monday. They can choose whichever print in my shop speaks to them. I will send it to you for free (shipping included), with love and spirit and Boho-licious vibes. A friend of mine that has a few of my prints said they have spread ethereal magic in their home since she hung them. Do you need some ethereal magic? Mmmmm...don't be shy. I'm so happy to give something back.

garden friends*

2008-07-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

em & tara, canon digital rebel xti

In my early twenties, every Tuesday night I would hang out at an old abandoned fire house. Inside were about four velvety vintage couches placed side by side in the shape of a half moon; purple, red, orange and green along with big silky pillows covering the concrete floor. People of all genres sat snuggled up together sipping their coffees and sodas, listening intently. The cool guy standing to face the crowd looked a cross between a surf dude and a GQ model with his VW bus parked outside. It was a non-denominational gathering where folks that were turned off by organized religion but curious about an intimate relationship with God felt they belonged. There were lots of tattoos and piercings and bohemians and rebels. I was one of those people.

There was one story that the minister (who didn't seem like a minister but was one of us) told that I will never forget. He talked about how Jesus used to take a few of his most trusted friends to the Garden of Gesthemane to lay down his heart, be honest, raw and vulnerable. A place where He felt safe to spill and be transparent. Our minister named those friends "Garden Friends" and he went on to ask us to think about who the Garden Friends in our life were.

I recall each of us scanning the room, looking around at our friends. Some even closed their eyes to imagine all the faces, the friends in their life. One of my guy friends, after the night was over ran up to me, hugged me, twirled me around and said "YOU'RE my garden friend!!!" I mean, it was just the coolest concept and an analogy we could all resonate with.

Who are the friends we feel comfortable with to bring to our garden? Who do you trust with all of your heart to be safe and gentle with you throughout your journey?

Its something to really meditate on. I think it is so very important to be aware of who your garden friends are so that you can nurture those very sacred relationships. I feel the word garden so perfectly describes friendship and the idea that in order for there to be growth, it must be nourished and cared for, consistently. And when we put our energies into our friendship garden, watch the gorgeous blooms, the nectar, the beauty that springs forth within us.

Who are your garden friends?

Tara & Em*

2008-07-28T11:41:00.001-07:00

Em & Tara, canon digital rebel xti

em falconbridge (blog & shop)

tara whitney (photography site & blog)

On the way home from this past Saturday's photo session with Tara and Em, I rolled down my windows and let the wind blow through my hair. I cranked Abba loudly on my stereo and burst into song with the hugest smile. THAT is how wonderful it felt to be in the presence of these two beautiful, creative and unique women.

I had been looking forward to this session for a long while. An opportunity to capture the strong bond between two artists that I have admired from a distance. Tara is a photographer that inspired me so much in the beginning to be myself in this industry, to not follow any rules and to seek and discover my own unique style. She continues to inspire me each day. Em is the one that designed and created my gorgeous camera strap that I carry with me always. She is a true artist in all areas of her life.

The three of us have emailed now and then but had yet to meet in the flesh. So, each of us had that typical giddy and nervous feeling of meeting an Internet friend for the first time. Although, as soon as they jumped out of their car and embraced me with warm hugs, I felt an instant kinship and the rest of our day together unfolded magically and beautifully.

It was a challenge to not set my camera aside and curl up next to them on the blanket to share for hours. These women have an energy that draws you into their presence. It was a treat to witness their likeness, as well as their differences and what ties them together as best friends.

It was such a confirmation to me that my true passion is photographing artists. I'll be doing more of this at Squam soon and I hope to continue for many years to come.

I was explaining to Tara and Em why I am so drawn to artists with my lens. As our time together was coming to a close and we were nestled on a gorgeous blanket under a tree, I shared how very connected I feel to creative spirits and how in my sessions they just get my intimate way of being.

It was hard to leave them. They are kindred spirits and new friends and I look forward to snuggling on a blanket with them again soon.

my utopia*

2008-07-23T16:58:00.001-07:00

story board of me dancing, canon digital rebel xti (click for larger view)

Dancing has been healing my heart and opening up my senses lately.

Today I danced to the song Utopia by Alanis Morissette and wanted to capture the freedom I felt. The freedom I haven't felt is so, so long. My body is loosening from the tight grip of sadness that has taken its toll on my spirit.

I'm going back to what used to feel healing as a young girl, when I felt troubled inside and would bring the "boom box" out to the backyard and dance it off. I have a clear image of twirling and moving while my dear mother watched from the kitchen window, wiping a dish and smiling, knowing that this was my nirvana.

So, in a sense, me bringing dancing back into my life is like being in touch with that inner child. The one that was more free and enchanted with her natural ability to move.

Today, as I cleared the stuff aside in my studio, I danced to this song that has always taken me to a place that I dream of for our world.

The lyrics carried me...

Utopia

we'd gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

we'd open our arms we'd all jump in we'd all coast down into safety nets

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion

we'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen

we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate

mosaic of me*

2008-07-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

Mosaic idea inspired by my dear friend Meg.

I like how mine turned out. I feel like these images truly do express a lot of bits of who I am. I'd love to see yours. So, if you decide to play, do leave the link to your post in the comments.

Here´s how you do it...

Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search, using only the first page, choose your favorite image, copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows).

The questions:
1. What is your first name? (Denise)
2. What is your favorite food? (Mexican)
3. What high school did you attend? (Granada)
4. What is your favorite color? (Pinky-Beige)
5. Who is your celebrity crush? (James McAvoy)
6. Favorite drink? (Yerba Mate)
7. Dream vacation? (Ireland)
8. Favorite dessert? (Brown Rice Pudding)
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Dancer)
10.What do you love most in life? (Romance)
11. One word to describe you. (Sensitive)
12. Your Flickr name. (Boho)

Here are the links to the photos in my mosaic above:

1. road less traveled, 2. Mexican restaurant, 3. Choperas de Fuentevaqueros, 4. Serenity, 5. James McAvoy, 6. Grand Mate (& Canyon), 7. ireland, 8. Decipher Reflections from Reality, 9. qui danza, 10. young love, 11. she loves without holding back: dreams with everything she has, 12. Lullie Vintage

somerset life magazine*

2008-07-21T14:23:00.001-07:00

bottles (print in my shop), canon digital rebel xti

This vintage bottle photo is in the current Summer 08 issue of Somerset Life Magazine out in the stands now! I haven't received my copy yet but will soon and it will be totally surreal, I'm sure. If any of you have it, do let me know how it looks!

The bottles in this photo are very special to us. Boho Boy's parents collected them through the years because they too were attracted to vintage bottles. His father especially adored the iridescent ones and when he passed away, his mother let us take them home. Now through these bottles, I feel the essence of his spirit throughout our home.

Today something truly magical happened to me. I spoke to a very gifted woman over the phone and she did some energy work on me, clearing my chakras among other things. I have surfaced from that sacred space today with not a worry in my bones. I cannot remember the last time I felt this sure and peaceful in regards to bringing a baby into this world. During our conversation, I felt so close to the spirit of our baby. Its hard to explain and I know words cannot connect the emotions for me. I'm going to dance it all out in my Nia class tonight.

I walked around Whole Foods today soft and graceful through the aisles. I soaked in every moment of being in a mind and body with no worry attached. I'm not sure how long this will last but again, I am not putting any attachment to that. I just know that there has been a shift. I felt it both physically and emotionally while talking with her. It started out as tingles and warmth and then this overwhelming sense of centeredness washed over me.

I have a photo session coming up this weekend with these two lovely women and I am so delighted that I will be walking into it feeling less cluttered and more free and open. It is those times when my creativity is most magical.

honorary shutter sister*

2008-07-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

vintage bottles print in my shop, canon digital rebel xti

I'm still feeling the high from my two Nia classes. I am blessed to be able to go each day if I so desire. It has shifted something deep inside of me. Like I have found a greater purpose that I have yet to completely figure out. I spent hours on youtube last night watching people dance and speak about Nia. I am seriously considering doing the 7 day teacher training intensive at their headquarters in Portland, Oregon this winter. My mood has lifted tremendously and I have found a gracefulness in my walk that hasn't been there in far too long. I think I've been looking down too much, allowing the dissapointment and depression of my fertility journey to weigh on my shoulders. The last few days I have felt taller and lighter. I am anticipating the unfolding of this dance in my life.

Today I am an honorary sister at Shutter Sisters. You can read my guest post here. I am so very humbled to be part of this inspiration circle.

Interesting the sweetness that comes into your life when you open your heart...even if its a teeny tiny bit.

Dance

2008-07-16T16:41:00.001-07:00

angela, canon digital rebel xti

In my twenties, when I lived in Berkeley, I went to this amazing spirit movement class named Karuna. Twice a week men and women would gather in this large dance studio and for over an hour, we would get out of our heads and into our bodies. The energy was tingly and wild and free, the music tribal and inspiring. Our beautiful instructor was so in touch with her body and nature that when we were around her, we felt like one with the elements. The way my body moved in that class felt other worldly. I think of those classes often. I think of how we ended in a large circle, all looking at one another, holding hands, smiling and then bowing to one another. It was a community of earth children where the connection between us was totally unspoken.

I've missed that feeling.

I have heard about Nia for a few years now and my YMCA finally just started providing the class, although I found myself hesitant to go because I thought nothing could compare to that Karuna class. I was being stubborn.

Today, as I was standing against a wall and stretching, this lovely woman approached me with bright eyes and a warm smile, asking if I had ever taken a Nia class. She then went on to share how it has shifted her life in such a positive way. Her enthusiasm was contagious. I found myself filled with an anticipation I haven't felt in a long while.

I love to dance. Dancing has always come so natural to me. It is what I would always do as a child out in our backyard...blast my stereo and leap, twirl and choreograph my own modern dances. I was never taught to dance. I just jumped in and knew what to do. I can be such a klutz walking around a room, bumping into things and tripping but when the music comes on and I truly let go, I have a gracefulness that surprises.

I'm not sure why I tend to forget how healing it is for me. How it can become a way of expressing myself when words do not measure the fullness of what I am experiencing.

This woman today opened up that place in me and I was reminded. She then confessed she was teaching the next class in five minutes and I followed her into the studio like a giddy little girl.

Oh wow. I have been reborn. The movements were so very healing for me. There were moments when I cried and smiled and giggled. What I loved most about the class is that the instructor leads but also encourages that we go with what our body is telling us to do and so many times throughout the class we get to break free and dance around the studio. Sometimes we imagined swimming in an ocean, sometimes we were trees blowing in the wind and other times, we were grounded to the earth and scooping up the energy from its roots. It brought back the freedom I felt in that Karuna class.

I've needed this so much. I've needed something new and fresh. I've needed a way to open my heart where I didn't have to attach a language to it. I feel like I've written and talked so much about this journey and have been searching for another way to express what I am going through inside.

Not only do I feel inspired to take Nia as much as I am able...but also to perhaps someday teach a class. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. Thinking about inspiring others to open up and free their bodies and connect themselves to their heart, the elements and other people moving around them. It's something I am feeling a calling for and its bubbling up inside of me as I write this.

I was talking with a dear friend the other day, who has also walked this fertility path and she said whenever she felt she was getting to the end of her rope, that she knew she needed to try something new. She asked me what that looked like for me and at the time I wasn't sure...but I asked. I asked God and spoke that question out loud to the Universe. I put that energy out there and opened up a space for clarity. What newness do I need to bring into my life?

Then a little angel took me by the hand today and answered my question.

Dance. You need to dance.

let it move through us...

2008-07-14T08:35:00.001-07:00

my dear friend and niece angela, canon digital rebel xti

"To let all that comes - the difficult and the easy - move through you, and to respond to it as truthfully as you can, can not only save your own life, it can heal generations' worth of grief in your family line. And it can help you find the courage to speak up and add to the Power of Good.

To be aware of the role that each of us plays in the ongoing creation of our own lives, our children's lives and the world, and to participate with our eyes wide open, is about as fertile as any of us could ever hope to become."

~ Julia Indichova

It's been a challenging month for me, I'll have to admit. I find that when I am trying something new and seeing results that along with all that hope comes just as much fear of disappointment. I know where this fear comes from. It comes from almost four years of trying new things and as much as I learned so much about myself through that process and gained some blessings, I still do not have a baby in my arms.

I am not sure why the pain feels much stronger and at the surface right now. I feel like a well is opening up inside of me and feelings that perhaps were hidden are just pouring out. Yesterday, on top of the grief I felt from another month of disappointment, I also felt guilty. Guilty for being in a place where I feel jaded. I was blaming myself for not being able to rise above this time and go to that positive place as I have so many times before. I felt like I was failing, perhaps not doing enough healing work lately, almost like I've taken a hundred steps back from where I was.

I grabbed a book off of my shelf that more than a year ago, totally shifted my perspective on this journey. It empowered me and fueled me with a strength and wisdom that came from within. A wisdom that was there all along but the author of this book reminded me where to find it. I was hoping to find that solace again and with gratefulness in my heart, I confess that I did.

One of the first bits I read is the quote above and it brought shivers down my spine. It made me see that I haven't taken a hundred steps back but am still moving forward. Just me allowing these emotions to move through me is forward movement. And me responding to this pain as truthfully as I can will be so healing. Not only healing for me but for those that are part of this journey with me.; my loved ones, my fertility sisters, my dear sweet future child.

I know I am feeling so much because my eyes are indeed wide open. Feeling this pain is worth it because I know what happens when I work through these times. I come out the other end so much stronger and confident with my choices because in retrospect, I see the blessings that follow with each step I take. I may not see those blessings now, but I will see them soon.

I need to be patient and gentle with myself. I need to trust in the process because it has never failed me. I need to remember that I am allowed to feel hurt and confused after so many years of this when I see fertility sisters become pregnant, one after the other and yet I am still walking this road as they join another one. I am totally allowed to fall to my knees now and then. I always get back up.

Just even writing this, I feel a space opening wider in my heart. I know so many of you out there that read this blog are on this journey and this is one of the reasons why I continue to be true to where I am. We can find strength within us...even during the darkest of moments, when we know we are understood and not alone.

Let it move through us...both the difficult and the easy.

question*

2008-07-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

oops, canon digital rebel xti

I was playing with my camera today and accidentally took this shot up in my studio. I sort of like the angles. This photo has nothing to do with my post and everything to do with me putting my energy towards something that brings me joy.

Speaking of...I have a question. Do any of you know of an out of this world Zen-like, healing, relaxing, soothing, peaceful spa resort somewhere here in the US surrounded in nature (ocean or mountains)?

I'm trying to dream up and manifest a healing trip for us sometime this year or next. I am so curious about the places my well traveled readers have been!

Do tell.

my cycle*

2008-07-09T14:31:00.001-07:00

two of my favorite things...blossoms and thea, diptych

I've been thinking a lot about my monthly cycles. Not so much about the physical changes to my body but the emotional. I am not sure why only now I feel fully aware of a pattern that is pretty consistent but this awareness is helping me to navigate my way through the shifts.

First week of cycle: A few days of sadness and disappointment that I am not pregnant but then a rush of hope comes in. I view this as another month to work towards a healthy body, mind and soul. I feel a renewed sense of self while my body cleanses itself.

Second week: Totally in manifestation mode. Manifesting a pregnancy and fully believing. Manifesting stuff for my creative journey and in my friendships. Totally feeling empowered and on top of my game. Begin to nest and ready myself for a romantic week with my husband as ovulation is approaching. I feel fertile in all areas of my life.

Third week: Post ovulation leaves me feeling quiet and mindful, closer to the spirit of my future baby and extremely close to my husband. I feel confident and trust that my body is healthy and doing its absolute best with whatever has transpired. I spend a lot of time visualizing a fertilized egg or a swelling belly and us dancing around on the beach or in our home with our children.

Fourth week: One huge tender bean! Highly emotional. Sensitive to the touch and in my heart. I find myself fighting those darker feelings of fear, insecurity and depression. It's that waiting until I know whether or not we are pregnant. My energy goes towards trying to distract myself, focus on my other passions but I find myself exhausted. Pregnant women come out from every corner and walk around the street like zombies in a film, coming towards me to taunt. I get angry at myself for feeling unable to manifest or visualize or believe it is possible for me. I get quiet with my friends and family. I take things more personally than usual. I swear each fourth week feels like PMS magnified times one hundred.

Well, I am writing about this because I am right in the middle of the fourth week. Although, I do notice now that I am aware of this pattern, I can help navigate my life around how I know I will be feeling. Like, its probably not the best time to go on a trip during the fourth week because my ability to fully be present is just not there and that's okay. Not that I won't go somewhere fabulous because its the fourth week but in the event that I have a choice, it might be wise to wait it out and just allow myself to be gentle during this time.

Yesterday I was laying on a mat and stretching at the mind and body center I go to. I had forgotten that Tuesday mornings have a prenatal yoga class. So, as I was stretching, one by one, about twenty pregnant women walked by me. I felt my heart beating fast and felt unable to breathe. I was having a panic attack. I gathered myself together and practically ran out to my car so that I could completely let go and break down with my head on the steering wheel. I called my husband and he gently talked me down from it all...never judging and always reassuring that I am fully allowed to feel this way at any time. It was one of those cries that leave you feeling utterly drained and spent.

I find it so interesting that if this were to happen at any other week in the month, I might have seen twenty pregnant women walking by me as a positive sign...just like I did last week with the woman stopping me and asking if I was a mother. But yesterday, it felt like a cruel joke...rubbing it in that I am not there yet.

So, perhaps I am writing this all out because I need to not think its odd that I can vacillate so much on this journey. I tend to put too much power on that one dark week of mine and I just need to focus on how fabulous I feel the first three weeks (yay me). I should give myself a break for comparing pregnant women to zombies just seven days out of the month because the rest of the month, I may see them as angels or affirmations.

I am choosing to love and embrace my cycle of emotions each month rather than fight the ebbs and flows of something so very primal and natural. I am also going to meditate on how I can make this last week gentler on my heart.

I'd love to hear how you comfort yourself when you are feeling hormonally heavy in spirit...whether the root of it is fertility or not.

Last night my husband and I laid in bed and he cupped my face and brought my forehead to his. I let the tears fall from my face onto his. This was the most comforting moment I've had the last four or so days...but I know I cannot lay like that for a week. ; )

boho wordle*

2008-07-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

Inspired by a post from one of my favorite photogs Wreckless Photography...

Here is my wordle. Random words pulled from my blog posts:

(click for larger view)

Procrastinating is oh so much fun!

Try yours at wordle.net.

New Prints in my Shop*

2008-07-06T23:12:00.001-07:00

tiny buds, canon digital rebel xti

I gave my shop some much needed love and attention this weekend. I finally updated it with photographs that have been gently waiting to emerge until the time felt right.

As my heart begins to feel more at peace...so does the art that comes from me.

dream room

2008-07-03T19:29:00.000-07:00

photo from anthropologie website

If I could dream a bedroom into being...this is what it would be. I discovered this photo in the Anthropologie catalog and showed my husband. He agrees. So, I'm cutting the picture out for a vision board. Doesn't knocking a wall down and replacing it with old windows sound divine? We already have vintage windows and doors hanging around in our home but to divide a whole room with them? Drool.

I've always wanted a home with a lot of airy space and huge windows and brick walls, distressed paint, flowy fabrics and hardwood floors. Amazing that this room carries the essence of what I've always had in my head.

What do you envision for your dream home? Its fun to start pondering these things and put that energy out there. This is how manifesting begins.

who i hang out with most days...

2008-07-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

elvis & amber having a chat , canon digital rebel xti

When I lived in Northern California, on most evenings, I would go on this long walk up and down the steep hills to my neighborhood. Each time I would pass this corner house where out on the front wrap around porch were about 10 kitty tree houses made out of carpet. All different kinds. The cats from all around the hood would gather on said porch and leap, chase, climb and lounge on these carpeted kitty brothels...including the dozen or so cats/kittens that lived in their home. These feline lovers had a huge front window and inside would be all these kitties perched, watching people like me who would stop in wonder.

I am sure most would roll their eyes and keep walking but cat people like me considered it total and complete bliss. I wanted to lay down on their grass and let all the kitties crawl all around me. That corner house filled me with so much joy that I made a point to visit it as much as possible.

I will so be that cat lady in my old age.

What brings you joy around your neighborhood?

ps. Totally off topic: I started reading Twilightand I must admit...it had me at Edward's eyes changing color. I'm hooked...thanks to bloggers all over gushing about it. I've been needing a good escape novel or two or three. ; )

are you a mother?

2008-07-01T16:34:00.001-07:00

angie's feet, canon digital rebel xti

The wildest things happened to me today, all in a span of about an hour.

First, after parking in a store lot and getting out of my car, I see that the parking spot next to me is lined in pink pavement with a sign above that says "Expectant Mother Parking". It made me gasp. It was just so new and cute and who wouldn't like a pink lined parking spot?

Then a bit later in the store, I complimented a lovely lady on her skin that was helping me and she said:

"Well, I just had a baby, so I think that has everything to do with it."

I laughed to myself. Of course, right?

Then a few minutes later on my next stop, while I was walking down the stairs of a parking structure to the mall, this woman walking on the steps behind me touched my shoulder and said:

"Excuse me...are you a mother?"

This question took my breath away. I stopped and looked at her stunned to silence.

"Are you a mother? She asked again with an adorable Australian accent and a warm smile.

"What? Ummm...well, I'm trying to be." I responded and I am sure I looked white at that point and she looked a little surprised and amused at what might have been too much information.

"Oh, well...because I am on holiday and I am looking for cute baby clothes. You looked like you might know."

This time I laughed out loud and again, she probably was a bit confused as to why this would all just seem so bizarre to me but I gladly pointed her in the right direction and when she walked away she said waving her hand:

"Good luck!"

What amazed me was that on another day...these three things all falling into my path within the same hour might make me want to pull my hair out at the frustration and the sad reminder that I am not yet a mother.

But today...I don't know...call me a romantic but I want to believe they were signs and that someday very soon, I'll be the one parking in a pink lined parking spot.

happy birthday boho boy

2008-06-29T11:07:00.001-07:00

you + me, photo by susannah

I remember years ago I was sitting in my high school Humanities class that was taught by my absolute favorite teacher of all time and he said something about his wife that I would never forget. One of the many things I loved about him was how in each and every class he talked so tenderly about her. But on this particular day, he shared with the class how he truly falls more in love with her every day and they had been married for about 30 years. He said when he came home from work each day and saw her, his heart skipped a beat and he felt all fluttery.

I never quite understood how a person could feel that way...after that many years of being side by side but I had always hoped I was capable of this love. At that time in my life and for some years to come I was teased by my family and friends for being fickle and they often wondered if I would ever settle down. So, the idea that this type of romantic love would exist in my world was hard to grasp.

Then I met you.

And now I know what my teacher meant.

When you come through the door, each day after work, my heart fills with a love so big I often feel overwhelmed by it. You never fail to hold me first thing, kiss my neck and sigh into my hair. Your face lights up as though you haven't seen me in days. You've been doing this for six years and it gets me every time.

Then there is bedtime, when we are lying side by side each night, facing one another with our arms entangled and I never take for granted the way my heart melts in those moments. I will lay there and stare at you as you fall asleep and try to push away those fears that creep up about a love like ours being too good to last forever.

I often wonder during those few moments before I fall asleep how a love can be so deep and wide and how it is possible for it to keep growing. But it does.

Every day I truly do fall more in love with you...

Happy birthday my love.

true to who i am*

2008-06-25T20:02:00.001-07:00

angela's reflection, canon digital rebel xti

I have noticed that since I became aware that I am in a tender place and put it out into the world that I am feeling protective of my heart, I have attracted so much gentleness in my life lately. I am so pleased to discover that it is truly just a matter of knowing what I need and expressing it in order for those necessary shifts to begin to take place in my life.

So many times I busy myself and don't stop to pay attention to what is triggering me and it begins to pile up and feel cluttered in my heart and mind. When I get in that space, I notice I forget what feels truly nourishing and fruitful.

This week, the act of decluttering my home and my workspace has essentially helped me to declutter my mind. I feel spaces opening to invite more gentleness in. Not just with my heart but with my business. I notice my latest photographs have taken on a quality that express the smooth, quiet, liquidy, protective, gentle, careful, mindful place that I am surrounding myself with. I spent a whole day at my desk processing these photos without music...just listening to the birds and windchimes outside. Simplicity is beckoning me.

Something is shifting in a way that feels so true to who I am; the very core of me that is most comfortable in quiet, soft, gentle, wide open spaces.

But what feels even more amazing than all of this...is feeling completely okay with where I am and not second guessing it or trying to make myself be or feel something other than tender.

boho gems for sale*

2008-06-23T23:40:00.001-07:00

boho gems (click for larger view), canon digital rebel xti

I returned home from time away with a deep urge to de-clutter, simplify and Zen-ify my home. Typically projects like this overwhelm me but I am choosing to clear out one room at a time, one section at a time, one breath at a time. I promised myself not to rush through it and be very mindful of what I truly need and what I don't. I have come to realize that I thrive more in an environment that feels open and free...with a lot of space to twirl around at will. Lately, as stuff has piled up high around my desk and shelves, it has caused a clutter-ish feeling inside of my head. I suppose this is all part of me paying attention to what feels nourishing in my life and I am learning that simplicity is where my heart feels most calm.

Soon after my leap from the corporate world to owning my own creative business, I sold handmade boho style jewelry. Then photography as a profession stole my heart. My intention with clearing out my studio is for it to be photography focused. Hence, I would like to let go of all of my gems, sterling silver and pendants so that they can be brought out into the world by another creative soul.

I spent the evening organizing, laying them out in front of me, whispering words of gratitude for the path these dear gems directed me to on my journey.

I have quite a lot of stock, as well as an organized shelf cubby to go with. If you are at all interested in purchasing my stock as a whole, please email me at denise (at) bohophoto (dot) com. Every single piece is new and has never been worn. I hope to find them a home soon.

My stock consists of:

Pendants of all types (Serpentine, Jade, Bone, Carnelian, Porcelain, Wood)
Sterling silver charms, lobster claws, toggle clasps, wire, spacers, etc.
Beads: Carnelian, Chrysophase, Agate, Serpentine, Rhyolite, Jade, Glass, Coral, Wood, Vintage, etc.
Storage cubby
Jewelry design book

update: they've found a home...with a wonderful woman in France. her story touched me deeply and since this is such an emotional step for me, i knew it was meant to be.

where we've been...

2008-06-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

northern california coast, canon digital rebel xti

words are not enough. do you feel what i feel?

nourishment

2008-06-15T07:43:00.001-07:00

self portrait, body image series, canon digital rebel xti

I've been feeling quite tender and protective of my heart lately and noticed as a result of this, I've been retreating a bit. It started when the subject of adoption came up in a conversation and all of these emotions surfaced from a deep place within, tucked away unbeknownst to me. When reflecting on all of this, I realize that our adoption experience was quite traumatic (and not very common). I moved forward quite quickly on a different path and perhaps didn't nurture those painful and shocking emotions enough to move through them. I am aware as I write this that I am naturally a sensitive being and I've witnessed some warriors press on with adoption after it painfully falls through on a mission to hold that child meant for them. But for me, in my heart, I/we felt like this particular birth mom and baby were meant for us and the fact that the sweet little babe didn't end up in our home, in our lives, felt like a passing on of a life, in our lives. So, I suppose I have to allow myself time to grieve what felt so right, accept that it wasn't and not be surprised if emotions come flooding when I am reminded.

With all of that said, it has of course all shifted to a place that feels peaceful for us as far as our new doctors, new breakthroughs and once again trying...but it doesn't mean I still don't think about the fact that I could be holding her now. I wonder if that ache will ever go away and rather than shove it down, I need to honor those feelings and send all this love in the direction to that special birth mom and her new little baby girl.

So, I was talking with a very special friend yesterday about these feelings of needing to retreat and told her that I continue to see this image of me with a huge white protective cushion around my entire body. I was trying to figure out what it meant and why it keeps appearing. I started getting all complicated with twists and turns and then like a breath of fresh air, she simplified it for me. "You are still suffering and healing and anything that doesn't feel gentle, nourishing and safe to you right now, you don't need in your life." Tears welled up in my eyes but not tears of sadness but of absolute clarity of mind and spirit. This is exactly what has been happening. Anything that has not felt nourishing or gentle, has felt repelling to me. I have been craving safety and comfort with friends and relationships and places where my heart is invested. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this but for right now on my journey, I know this is what I need. People in my life that are close to me (or not close to me) may not understand or agree but to be honest, it is time for me to let go of worrying or taking care of that for them. When I know in my heart this is what I need, I just have to trust that those who truly love me will respect my decisions.

Now with this new clarity, I can seek and discover what feels nourishing and feel okay about protecting myself from those things that do not.

Boho Boy and I are retreating into the woods for a week, returning next Friday...so, this will be healing and nourishing for both of us.

Completely off topic, I wanted to share with you guys something I've discovered that indeed feels nourishing! A few weeks ago, Swirly sweetly surprised us with a day of facials given by this talented goddess. Said goddess gave me a fruity enzyme peel that made my skin feel amazing for a few weeks. The idea of a peel used to freak me out but being this is gentle, all natural and with no chemicals, I tried it. I loved it so much, I wanted to be able to do it every two weeks here at home, so she directed me to this Incredible Pumpkin Peel by a delicious product that I already use (sold at my Whole Foods). I did it yesterday and my skin feels so soft and supple and alive. I just had to share the goodness.

Nourishment!

feeling squam-ie

2008-06-12T15:22:00.002-07:00

jen, me, swirly, andrea

About 5 years ago, I was reading SARK's book Creative Companion; Ways to Free Your Creative Spirit and I remember seeing a fresh faced gorgeous smile on a page that made me linger there for a while. There was something about this woman Sark was close friends with that felt so familiar and I thought to myself that I could see someone like her being in my life.

About 2 years later, a friend introduced me to Andrea's blog and her and I quickly connected over our fertility journeys and became instant soul-friends. She was the first woman in my life at that time that was struggling and suffering from the longing for a child and I finally felt understood and validated. As time has gone on, we have discovered a connection that goes beyond fertility. We discovered that we share so many dreams, goals and perspectives on life and being. Now I have a difficult time grasping the idea that she hasn't always been in my life.

It wasn't long ago, that I grabbed the Creative Companion book again and saw her photo and realized that these two women, the one in Sark's book and the one I met through a blog were one and the same. It hadn't dawned on me before. You can imagine the chills I felt. It reminded me how powerful manifesting is when long ago I put out the energy that I'd love to have someone like her in my life and years later, she dances into my heart and world.

I am so very honored to help assist Andrea this September at the Squam Art Workshops. She's teaching a class and offering crazy amounts of inspiration in regards to two amazing gifts she brings into our world; Life Coaching and Photography. Harmonizing these two life changers is going to rock everyone's world. A soul-mate of mine, Jen Gray will also be assisting Andrea and I know first hand that the energy between these two women is full of magic, comfort and open arms.

A kindred spirit in my life, Penelope is teaching a few classes as well and the list of outrageously talented teachers goes on.

To make things even more wildly tasty and delish...one of my dearest mates, Swirly will be there to launch her lovely and AMAZING book ORDINARY SPARKLING MOMENTS and the thought of this brings weepy tears to my eyes. The fact that I can be there to witness this monumental event in her life is something that blows my mind. Her book is going to shift lives in a radically magical way.

The thought of so many powerful women and friends coming together at Squam to take risks, open wide, explore, play, leap and stretch just makes me so blissed out. It can be intimidating to do these sorts of things alone but we'll all be together and the fears will melt away and the freedom and playfulness will begin.

I used to love summer camp and this is exactly what this feels like! So, if you are still thinking of going and haven't quite made that leap yet, I would so encourage you to do so if you're inspired. This is such a unique opportunity to connect with like-minded souls on a different level than reading a blog. You know, like actually hugging someone and pinching them to make sure they're real. ; )

Are you feeling squam-ie?

self acceptance

2008-06-10T20:57:00.001-07:00

swirly & melissa, canon digital rebel xti

I am just totally loving and absorbing all of you gentle beings out there coming here to validate one another on our path to self acceptance. It's definitely helped pull me out of a funkity funk.

To quote one of my darling readers, Debbie...

"curvy women rock! as do round, thin, short, tall, lean, soft, pear, apple, light, dark ..."

Here's to celebrating and embracing what we've got.

Now go squeeze a girlfriend's bum.