Tuesday, December 13

The Gift of Healing

My husbands healing laughter, Photo by Robin Nations

My husband has the gift of healing others hearts just by his presence alone. Something about his jolly spirit, his all knowing big brown/green eyes, his warm smile and his laugh...oh his laugh.

This is all what drew me to him the instant I met him. In our first few exchanges, I felt as if we had been friends as young children, running in fields together, tickling one another in a bed of flowers, starring up at stars and naming them one by one. These were the images that came to my mind when we were introduced standing in his best friend's kitchen in Santa Barbara. And now that I know him in my thirties I can say without doubt that if we were indeed friends in our younger years, those are definitely the playful things we would have spent our time together doing (perhaps sneaking in a quick kiss now and then between star naming).

Last night I was sitting in his comfy leather chair again, with my knees up to my chest and tears streaming down my face. He sat up on the arm of the chair stroking my back...just letting me cry. There was a time when he would try to fix the problem because I know it is natural for men to do so. Now he just allows me to have my emotions and gives me what I truly need at that moment...silence, touch, a nod of understanding and a look in his eyes that says..."I know it hurts".

We've been trying to get pregnant since October of 2004. It has been quite an amazing journey for us. That is what I call this...a journey. I'll go into it a bit more perhaps in another blog...I don't really have the strength to do so today.

I just needed to write about my husband and his strength and his ability to heal the hurt when I am at the point of exhaustion from it all.

There are just a few days a month...that time when I find out we aren't pregnant that are the most difficult for me. There was a time during this journey when I pushed those emotions aside, trying to remain strong for myself, for my sisters, my parents, friends and for my husband. Now I just allow those messy feelings to spill...and instead of trying to make it better, my husband swims through the currents with me and is there holding me up when we stumble upon the shore to lay on the sand, in the sun and rest from it all.

I'll share more on my journey...the beautiful and the messy some other day. Today I just wanted to thank him for cradling my heart last night and loving me....with a swollen face and snotty nose from crying. He still kisses the goop.

I also wanted to thank this dear friend for leaving me the most amazing voicemail of encouragement. It made me cry and giggle all in the same moment. Your journal entry yesterday about your own journey was serendipitous and your phone call following was adorable and REAL and free-ing for me.

And thank you to this sisterly~friend who sent me a video of herself doing beautiful and graceful hand interpretive dance movements about a vision she had for me and this journey. It is one of the most soul penetrating gifts I have ever received. What love. I am so grateful for this.

And to this friend for your package of creativity, love, music and healing that landed at my doorstep at the most perfect time, as always. You're divinely beautiful and gifted.

Honey...thank you for loving me with snots and all. Thank you for your strength and faith that our little one will come when it is ready. Thank you for your patience with my messy emotions at the root of all this. I love you.