pj's, a film...and mothers day*

me in my pj's, canon digital rebel xti

The photo above has nothing to do with the reason I am writing, really. Except that after the day I have had, cuddling up in my pj's is exactly what I need. I wanted to give these drawstring pants that I brought home from Whole Foods a shout out. They are so soft and cuddly with the added bonus of being eco-friendly. I wear them as pj's and to lounge around. Whenever I find something irresistibly cozy, I promise to share the goodness.

My husband and I just returned home from watching a film. It was one of those times when we were out and about running errands and thought we'd stop by our favorite independent theater to see what was showing next. That happened to be the new film Then She Found Me. We had no idea what we were walking into and I suppose that always adds a sense of spontaneity and adventure. Part of me wonders that if I had known what it was about, if I would have chosen to walk away but in the end, I am glad I didn't.

Prior to the film I was pleasantly surprised at how strong and calm I have felt as the Mothers Day holiday approached. I haven't felt a sense of sadness but more anticipation than anything. These are new feelings and welcoming ones.

(spoiler alert...i share about the film but not much more than what you see in the trailer)

About 10 minutes into the film my mouth dropped open. Then within two hours I watched the main character's story unfold about her own struggles with trying to conceive in her marriage, being adopted, miscarriage, her relationship with her birth mother and being faced with the decision to adopt or do western fertility treatments. I didn't know whether to laugh at the irony or cry in the face of it all. The entire film triggered so many emotions in us that by the end, we sat there utterly exhausted and starring at the screen until the lights came on, the last credits rolled and we were the only ones left in the theater (with the exception of the cute tattooed and pierced employees cleaning up the aisles).

Boho Boy knew I needed to regroup before we headed back out into the bright lights of the city. I just sat their quietly letting the tears fall, wiping my face and waiting until I could share my thoughts with him. I was left feeling a bit discouraged that some sadness and anxiety crept in when I had been feeling so good but I know it is completely natural and expected after watching something that resonated so deeply. I asked Boho Boy if he thought the messages in this film were signs for us about what is to come. He gently brought me back around, reminding me that we are starting anew with some breakthroughs in our journey. Hearing him go down the list of all the reasons he feels confident that we can do this, slowly brought me back into my centered space, one breath at a time.

In that space I was reminded that whatever journey brings you peace is most likely the one you should be on. I got so tied up into this woman's story that I confused it with my own. That is so easy to do but as sisters on a fertility journey, we can all meet one another in our pain and then step outside of it and be aware of which path is theirs and which one is ours.

Our decision to try again has been a song in my heart and the way I have felt over the past few weeks is a confirmation that we are where we are supposed to be.

It was an absolutely beautiful film. Extremely raw and real and so well done. I am grateful that it is bringing awareness to the intensity of emotions on this journey, for those that have never traveled this road. It just felt so close to home and falling on a holiday that can feel a bit tender, I got a bit side tracked.

Like so many other times when pain from this journey surfaces and it feels exhausting, there is a deep inner strength that comes after self reflection and finding my footing again.

I remember looking over at my husband as the credits rolled and my heart swelled so much it could fly free from my chest. Watching the couple in this film's marriage break down over their fertility journey, left me feeling grateful that all my hubs and I have been through has only brought us closer, tighter together and stronger as individuals. It is times like these that I appreciate the Yin and Yang of our hearts and how when one of us feels weak, the other feels strong enough to lift up.

The rest of the evening, I will stay in my pj's and be gentle with myself and think about all of my other sisters on this road. Whether you're still longing for your child or you finally have them in your arms after longing for so many years, I am meeting you right where you are and celebrating how we will never take for granted the gift of motherhood.

I am going away for five days to be with some friends.

Until then, I will meditate on all that came up for me today and be gentle, gentle, gentle...and marinate in all of the encouragement I have been receiving from my sweet MPDT. ; )

reaching out and reaching in*

jen gray, canon digital rebel xti

"I am learning to write and speak of my true feelings for myself,
that's how I can let go sooner and love fuller.

It's a mixture of speaking up and speaking in,
reaching out and reaching in."

~ Sabrina Ward Harrison

I opened her book this morning and this was the first page I flipped to. This quote handwritten on a page dripping with rainbow paints and old photos.

So interesting the ways you can find your voice and what you are trying to express. It doesn't mean any less when the words come from someone else. You can still find your voice there and be inspired to express it in your own unique way.

I found myself on that page.

dancing with your inner child*

I discovered this on Mighty Girl's blog yesterday. It brought me to tears and made me giggle. I think it carries a beautiful message about being in touch with your inner child and celebrating with them as your grown self.

It reminded me to not neglect her when she surfaces from past hurts in certain situations in my present life.

It reminded me to listen to her, love on her...and dance with her.

I absolutely love how this woman gets that and decided to express this in such a creative way!

finding my voice*

me & boho boy dorkin' out, taken by andrea scher

This morning I was sitting in my new little rocker chair near our window (which is three stories above the ground). As I sipped my tea with my eyes closed, I felt the first relief from my headache that I have felt in days. Taking a deep breath I sent out so much gratefulness to all of you for taking time to lend your wonderful home remedies so that I could feel relief. I am amazed at the wealth of knowledge out there from my readers. I am feeling so blessed that I can come to you at times like these and gain wisdom from your experiences. I don't typically get debilitating headaches and what I discovered in all of your responses was that it is a very common thing. So, I am hoping that it was not only helpful to me but to all of the others out there that suffer from these on a regular basis. If it happens again, I now have a plethora of things to try! Boho Boy was totally getting into it too and was so sweet about working on my pressure points with tiger balm and oils. Thank you for this gift.

Now that I have surfaced from that dark place (literally...in my dark indigo walled room with candles lit for three days), I am aware of the positive effects from my new thyroid meds. My sweet doctor has increased the dosage slowly, monitored by blood tests. I feel like the recent dose I am on has made a remarkable difference. Not just physically...but my head fog that I have subtly felt for years now is clearing. I also noticed my emotions are more balanced and my happiness is hitting higher levels of bliss. I'm just blown away by it all.

In fact, the Universe gave me a little gift this morning. As I was rocking in that chair, I looked over towards my new Body & Soul magazine that was sitting on my coffee table and noticed on the front page "No Energy? It could be your thyroid. Learn to spot the signs!". When I grabbed the mag and flipped to that article I saw the words "infertility" right away...among other symptoms listed, of course but my eyes went right to that word (habit, I suppose). In this article it talked about something my doc had mentioned that I wanted to mention here. When most people are tested for their thyroid, they are tested by mainstream doctors for the hormones TSH and T4. When I was tested, my alternative docs checked those levels, as well as my T3 (another thyroid hormone) and it was my T3 that was the most whacked out of the three. The article explains it way better than I am here (check out the May 2008 issue). But for those of you who have felt symptoms and had your thyroid checked and they said it was all fine and dandy, check to see if your T3 was checked as well. It has saved my entire being.

There was a bit towards the end of the article that spoke to me this morning; "some holistic practitioners view low thyroid function as the result of a blocked throat chakra, or feeling like you can't speak your piece." They suggest exploring creative ways to "find your voice", such as singing, writing or creating art. I felt tears come to my eyes when I read this. I've been having dreams lately of singing out loud. I wondered why and now I think I get it.

Now that I am surfacing from all of the muck I have felt over the past four years, I truly am finding my voice. Some of it is old tunes that I have missed and some is totally brand spankin' new and beautiful. I am discovering which places in my business feel like home to me and make me feel like a woman in love with her work. I am making healthy choices in my life that support the direction I want to go with health, vitality, love and relationships.

I suppose I didn't realize what I am doing is finding my voice. I am now recognizing the connections between my thyroid healing, my throat chakra opening and my heart singing a tune that feels right to me.

natural remedy*

tiny victoria daisies, canon digital rebel xti

I've had a gnarly headache for the last few days that won't seem to budge. I feel it halting me at a time when I've got a lot going on.

I would love to hear about some home remedies that have helped you. I am trying not to rely on quick fixes like Advil or Tylenol or others. I've done some deep breathing and going out for fresh air, staying hydrated and such. I know I might have to result to meds but I am curious if any of you have discovered a natural remedy to get rid of these achies.

This is something I don't have a lot of experience with as I am not one to get headaches.

Thank you!

prr kitty*

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

With my model and the post processing, I was trying to capture a 1960's sexy kitten-Brigitte Bardot-ish look here.

I wonder if I pulled it off...

I know, I know...Thea is rockin' gorgeous but even more than that, she is one of the kindest and most loving beings on the planet. Her husband is very very lucky. ; )

It just is...

gorgeous thea, canon digital rebel xti

Wow. I am totally spilling over with gratitude for all the sweet and fabulous comments I received in my previous post. Its like I have this Manifesting Pregnancy Dream Team (MPDT) backing me up and supporting me through this. Some comments brought me to tears and some made me giggle (love the sparkly shoes, girlfriend) and some made me raise my hands up in the air like I just don't care.

This is definitely the kind of support I need and that I am choosing to surround myself with on this journey.

I was having a conversation with my dear friend/beloved pregnancy coach the other day and I noticed she kept saying..."When you get pregnant this and When you are pregnant that". She ended the conversation saying, "When I talk to you about this, I am going to say words as though it IS happening...not what if...not maybe...not "trying"...but it just is." It felt scary and exciting all at once but it was then that I realized, this is the language I speak in regards to my business and my dream home and my travel desires. Why not with this?

So, all this to say it was so fun hearing all of you speak this language with me. It feels right for me right now and I respect and understand deeply that it may not feel right for everyone and at one time it didn't feel right to me and that is just where I was at. It didn't serve me then but it serves me now. It makes sense with the flow of all other desires in my life at this time. I love it. Bring it on.

I adore how Glo said in a comment that my readers are magical and give off such a great vibe. I am inspired by her suggestion of "lets build a village and move there...". It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes "Be the change you want to see in the world" by Gandhi. We can definitely build a village that reaches across the globe by starting to do exactly what Gandhi suggested.

Thank you for these boosts and encouragements, my sweet MPDT.

trying something new*

smiling me, canon digital rebel xti (wearing my delish superhero bulls eye pendant)

I started my monthly cycle today and it was the FIRST time ever that I didn't shed a tear as a result. Not a one. Actually, today has been a wonderful day full of other creative yummies birthing in my life and I've actually felt energetic and clear and hopeful.

Perhaps because I truly believe and when I say believe I mean not just saying it but actually feeling it...that it will happen. I will be pregnant. I just giggled to myself as I typed that out. I am not sure if I have actually ever written that here on my blog. EVER.

I. Will. Be. Pregnant.

You know...this is how I have manifested fantastic things in my life. I say them out loud very matter of fact. I FEEL them. I actually get to a place where I just feel and know it will happen. Sometimes it can be even more super cool when someone else is a negative nellie about it and yet I STILL have no doubt it is going to happen. I don't allow them to steal my mojo and stay in that empowered place.

I am not sure if I have yet been able to do this about getting pregnant. But I'm starting today and am going to nurture this space that I am in.

I feel happy and I am also feeling so grateful for those souls in my life that are rejoicing in my happiness rather than wanting me to be back where I was because it feels comfortable to them.

I even had a dear friend offer to be my pregnancy coach (similar to a life coach but with the focus on the emotional and physical process of trying to conceive). Isn't that a great idea? I love that she created this for me. I call her my BPC (beloved pregnancy coach) and she has been uber supportive with all the elements that surface.

I know some people reading this might be gasping a bit. Perhaps thinking..."oh no but what if she doesn't get pregnant...like ever?" And I would totally understand that reaction. Partly because you want to protect my heart from disappointment and perhaps also because it is safer to be more logical about such things. But I am going to try not being logical about this for a while. I am going to try something that has worked for me in so many other areas of my life and play in this positive pool of certainty. Try on my Certainty Shoes and you better believe they are funky and sparkly.

My heart is pounding with a nervous, excited energy and that always happens to me before delicious things come.

So here's to trying new things on this journey of mine!

cuteness*

marmie, canon digital rebel xti

A few years ago I started calling my parents every Sunday. Not sure why on that day, exactly. It just felt right. It has now become a sacred ritual. I wait until my chores are done or there is a nice, quiet break in my day. I snuggle up on the couch and dial their number. My husband is always shocked at how long we can stay on the phone.

What I find funny is that sometimes I'll be talking to my mother (marmie) for almost a few hours and then my father gets on the phone and I end up repeating everything again. A while ago I suggested they both get on the line but that so did not work as they both kept interrupting one another. I heart my adorable parents.

I just got off the phone with my marmie and my heart feels full. I felt like posting this photo of her because it always makes me giggle and smile. I took it last Christmas morning at their place. Her in her cute pink pajamas, sitting on her plaid bum pillow, drinking her morning brew. ; )

photographing artists*

andrea scher, canon digital rebel xti

An epiphany I had a few weeks ago that was always in my subconscious but most recently has come to light is that I am absolutely wild about photographing artists.

They just seem to get the way I move, the moments I may need to be quiet and stare for a while. In those quiet moments I find a relaxed intimacy between us. They don't seem afraid of a story I may need to create in order to capture my vision. The trust and openness between our two creative souls is so very powerful and magical.

There are times when I can be very energetic and funny but I find I am most comfortable in my skin when I am observing quietly, where there is space to breathe and communication is more from movement than words. Perhaps this is why being a dancer and a mime always came naturally to me in the past.

Creative souls seem to get this about me. They don't feel intimidated or question the shifts during our session.

The other day, I was talking with a dear friend about what I would like to manifest in my life this year. One of them was photographing more artists...of all types...including musicians. Over the few weeks following that conversation, I heard from some creative beauties that I have admired from afar, inquiring about sessions with me. I now have future sessions with these three amazing creative geniuses. When I heard from them, I felt weepy in a good way. I mean, these are women that I have been a fan of without them knowing. Women I secretly drool over behind the scenes...not only because of their inner and outer beauty, but because of their insanely creative talent that inspires me to no end.

I felt like it was such a gift. Like I am being protected and reminded that life, even through the pain, can unfold into other dreams coming true if I stay open, clear and confident about what I love to do. I remember squealing to my husband..."I JUST said a few days ago that this is what I wanted!" (i am sure there was jumping and clapping and more nerding out of some sort).

This all happened when my heart was broken and I felt messy about the possibility of being a mom after the adoption fell through. I somehow still found the power within myself to say..."Wait! I am so many other things than a woman longing to have a child with the love of her life! I am an artist! I have lots to give to this world! Screw self doubt!". Its always when I focus on what I want, rather than what I don't want to happen, the magic trickles in. Its not always easy. Sometimes its fricken hard and nearly impossible to get into that head space of knowing I have the power to create the life I want. It mostly happens when I become really *clear* about what I desire and then when I allow myself to hope and believe and FEEL worthy of these things...it starts happening. Sometimes in small ways...and sometimes in big ways, like with these photo shoots I'm excited about.

I am so grateful I have something else to put my energy into this year while we are back on the crazy wild horse of trying to conceive. I want to manifest more of this in my life.

So, if you're an artist/musician and need photographs taken for your website or album covers or for marketing in any way...and you're not afraid of a grungy arty style and feeling like a rock star...I might be your gal. ; )

out of the darkness*

lovely Thea, canon digital rebel xti

Some changes are happening in my body that are feeling really good. So good that I want to share it here to perhaps help anyone else that may also have overlooked what I or my doctors did.

During the same week that I received a phone call about a possible match for an adoption, my husband and I happen to have an appointment with a new set of doctors about our fertility journey. We had heard good things about them. It also helped that they were only 15 minutes away as opposed to over an hour like the others were and a balance between both Eastern and Western philosophies in regards to healing.

Since neither philosophy had worked for us fully, we thought a balance would be another thing to try. I was pleasantly surprised and at times moved to tears at how supportive they were. They are a husband and wife team, not too much older than us and TOTALLY on top of their game as far as all the latest regarding fertility. What I loved is that they were very optimistic and never used the term "infertile". I've never felt comfortable with that term. Its so finite and negative and untrue. People can be fertile in many ways that have nothing to do with getting pregnant. Anyways, that is an entirely different post. ; )

The docs were both surprised that there were some very basic blood tests that were never done, especially on me. So, within a few days, we both got full blood work done. When the results were in, I was totally nervous; worried about my hormone levels and my egg quality and so on and so on. I even emailed my doctor beforehand, asking her to be tender and told her this is really hard for me to hear and that I was afraid of allowing this information to take my power away. I'm very fortunate to have her...she totally gets me. When we walked in, she had this HUGE smile on her face and said..."you guys have been misdiagnosed. you are not infertile. i have great news!"

My heart raced and tears were fighting to come through but I took a breath, held my husband's hand and asked her to lay it on me. She said I was alarmingly deficient of Vitamin D, that my progesterone is low after ovulation and that I have hypothyroidism. Three huge things related to screwing up a persons hormones and reproductive happenings. Three things that my other docs never showed a concern for and dismissed, despite my questioning them.

All of the symptoms I've been feeling over the last four years of my life suddenly made sense. I had gained about 20 pounds and stopped exercising the way I used to. Exercise used to be one of my biggest priorities...whether it was jogging or Yoga or Pilate's, I couldn't go two days without it...especially out in nature. For the last few years I would go a whole month without it because my energy level was so very low and my motivation almost void. I stayed in the house far too much. I of course related all of this to depression over our fertility journey and there absolutely was a lot of depression but most of my lethargy was my my poor whacked out thyroid and I never knew.

So, my doc put me on a treatment plan. Lots of supplements, a hormone tincture and natural thyroid medication. Its taken a month or so to get me on the right levels and we're still playing with it to see what is perfect for my body chemistry but the change is unbelievable.

First let me back up and say that during all of this, I struggled to balance both adoption and refocusing on trying to conceive with this new breakthrough. We were willing to do both though and we tried, although I found myself focusing more on adoption and not completely following my treatment plan. At one point, we decided to put off trying to conceive for a year when the adoption started looking like it was truly going to happen. Our doctors were very supportive and excited for us to adopt, so they left us alone until we were ready to fully focus on treatment. Well, the adoption most recently fell through, which was really painful, devastating and heart wrenching. We chose to get away to B.C. to regroup and ask ourselves which path feels right for us right now and do they both feel right or does just one? With much rest and a plethora of heart to hearts, we both realized that we are not ready to give up on trying to conceive and with this new treatment plan, it will take a lot of focus and energy to stay balanced and healthy. Other people might be able to balance both like a piece of cake, but I found it really difficult and confusing. The way I work is that when I feel right about something, I throw myself into it 100%. That is just me. With anything in life, I have never felt there was any wrong or right way to be or feel about a particular journey. We're all so beautifully unique. We learned so much about adoption and we have a deep feeling in our gut that it will indeed be a part of our lives someday but there have been many clear signs that right now is not the time.

So we are back from our trip and yesterday I had an appointment with our doctor to let her know we are in and we are in 100%. She clapped her hands in glee (okay, don't you love her already?). So, she said..."please just give us a year. adoption will always be there for you, i have no doubt about that. i believe you are fertile." I practically gave her a high five but I did say..."Yes! I know...right?!?!?". So, yesterday we increased my thyroid meds a bit because my tests came back that I am still not fully thyroid-licious.

This morning, I woke up feeling like a new person with the energy and zest I always had before all this went down. I was bouncing around the house and singing. No kidding...even before my Yerba Mate morning tea. I moved all of our furniture downstairs to the side to create an exercise space. I put my earphones on and blasted the rockin' playlist you all suggested. This fully happy, energetic, sexy woman manifested her way through me. I was dancing, jumping, laughing, punching, twirling and sweating...and 45 minutes went by without me realizing it. I then went for a mini jog outside for fresh air. I have not jogged in four years.

I was reminded of a day when I first started dating my husband. We went on a hike in Santa Barbara. I was trying to race him down the trail. I remember feeling my muscles tighten and my feet pounded the dirt. My energy was boundless. I could run forever by his side. I remember him saying..."you're so fit, you could be on Survivor." So cute.

I haven't felt that way in four years. Today...I feel closer to that fit girly but more importantly, I have actually felt happy all day and my heart feels full and my head feels more clear. I phoned my husband and he said he could even hear it in my voice. I think he's missed her. So have I. So have my friends and my family. Bless their hearts for loving me just the same through all of this. I am not making myself wrong for anything that has happened. I honor my depression and respect that I didn't push myself too hard through it all.

So, as much as the last two months were painful and really sucked at times, I am grateful for it all in retrospect because blessings always come through when I am open to them, regardless of the crappy crap.

And in all honestly, I realize that this is how I feel today and tomorrow may feel different and I in no way feel like I have it all together. I am learning which things feel good and what I need to create in my life to move from one day to the next into a space that is more healing and healthy.

I am aware that there is always the possibility that this treatment may not help us to get pregnant but what I do know is that it will help us to feel happier and healthier.

I also realize that the journey is the journey and rarely the destination but I am enjoying the feeling of boogie-ing on down the road rather than sitting on my ass as much as I have been. This morning I felt like a warrior princess that could conquer most anything. I am craving more of that feeling....out of the darkness and into a brighter space.

felt like home*

my new mary jane crocs at a Vancouver park


two sweet old ladies at a pond in Victoria, B.C.


Capilano Lake, Vancouver B.C., canon digital rebel xti


West Vancouver, B.C.


me walking across the very wobbly Capilano Suspension Bridge in Vancouver
(i'm afraid of heights, so this is HUGE for me...being that it was 250 high)


boho boy at Treetop Adventures

It seems we somehow find a way to get to Victoria, B.C. at least once a year if not twice. Stepping foot off of the ferry into the charming little city always feels like home for us. Perhaps because we are surrounded by like-minded people that always treat us with such warmth and openness.

The city is rich with historical buildings, museums, charming Victorian homes, earthy restaurants and funky independent coffee shops. It feels like everything I love about my favorite cities all rolled into one place with the bonus of adorable Canadian accents that I could never tire of.

There are a few sweet moments I'll share that my mind keeps trailing back to...

The first morning I woke up before my husband, which is a RARE thing. I took a walk with the morning dew into some neighborhoods I hadn't yet travelled. It was so quiet...everyone sleeping...only the birds and me. I walked through the legislative building from the late 1800's. I thought I was alone and these two old jolly cops came down the stairs to chat with me. They asked me where I was from and loads of questions about California. I felt like I was with two dear Santa Claus men. I thought it so typical that even their police officers are far from intimidating. So kind and warm and welcoming...sending me off with wishes for a splendid vacation.

We found a coffee shop that we practically lived in. By the end of the week, they knew us by name and started whipping up our "usual" (yerba mate lattes with vanilla rice milk). Hanging from their brick walls was local art strung from metal curtain rods throughout the shop. Lots of comfy couches and bohemians sitting in them. We saw a fabulous local band there one night called The Gruff...sitting right up close, loving every harmony and instrument and sweet smile and winks from their eyes.

Midweek we took a ferry over to Vancouver Island. It seems this is the only day I whipped out my camera. Not sure why that is. I think I really just needed to settle in Victoria like it was home and live in the moment and not think much. Next time I'll take more in Victoria. Our trip to Vancouver was eventful to say the least. Boho Boy took me to the Capilano Suspension Bridge. I think he tends to forget how very frightened I am of heights (I say this because he took me up in a hot air balloon to propose to me). I braved the wobbly bridge strung 250 feet above Capilano River and tall trees. It was surreal. I panicked a wee bit the first time, clinging to him for dear life as I felt shaky all over. On the way back I did it on my own (see photo above)...still clinging to the rod but smiling this time. The park also had Treetop Adventures, which was tree houses and bridges going from one tall tree to the next to walk on. We also stumbled upon the largest Whole Foods Market I have ever seen. This rocked our worlds. Especially when this jolly dude with a funny knit hat that worked there enthusiastically shared his passion for Spelt bread, guiding us around and encouraging us to squeeze each loaf. Totally our kind of peeps.

Back in Victoria, we found a corner sandwich shop, owned by a sweet German man. His wife and three children worked there as well. They encouraged us to bring our own bread (as i can't have gluten and boho boy can't have yeast...fun pair, eh?). They made us the best sandwiches we've every had and we kept coming back for more. Boho Boy spoke German with the owner and that was it...they were instant pals. We might house swap with their family on future vacations. We fell in love with the them. So open and jolly and passionate (and still very much in love with three teenagers/twenty somethings in the house).

At least once a day we would go down to a pub and drink virgin Ceasars with lots of garnish (pickled green beans and green olives) to watch Hockey. Its so fun to see how passionate Canadians are about their hockey. I got into it a bit too.

We spent one day driving all around Vancouver Island (where Victoria is...I know it can get confusing that there is a city Vancouver and a Vancouver Island and they're separate). We found a delicious park with a pond and two sweet old ladies snuggled up together. I had to take a photo (see above). This park had a four mile path all along the water. I love how Canadians love their community parks.

By the end of our time there, my husband's Canadian accent was back in full swing and even I started pronouncing my t's...among other endearing sounds.

There is more to share but I'll stop for now. We are home feeling more empowered...and healed from a rough few months. I know I haven't shared a lot of details here about what happened. I really respect the privacy of all involved, so my apologies for choosing to be vague. I will share more about what is transpiring in our hearts soon.

For now we are home and I am choosing to focus on the beautiful blessings that are happening in our lives right now. Some yummy stuff.

new superhero pendant and other news*

me & boho boy wearing our uber cool Superhero Pendants, canon digital rebel xti

We are finally home from a beautiful time away. I have some photos and adventures of Vancouver & Victoria to share but need to marinate for a bit (and do loads and loads of laundry). It always takes me some time to transition into the flow of life and work.

Until then, I wanted to share with each of you this new delicious Superhero Pendant designed by my dear yummy friend Andrea Scher. Both Boho Boy and I love it and can't help but feel empowered and superhero-ish when wearing it. I think it looks sexy on both guys and gals and just happens to go with everything in my wardrobe. Gotta love that. I think I can speak for so many in that it feels good to wear a piece of the magic that Andrea spreads throughout our world.

Another bit of juicy juice for you:: Two of my friends, Mati Rose & Kelly Rae are hosting a workshop in Italy this October. Can you imagine spreading your wings creatively with two lovely, talented beauties in Italy?!? Hello goosebumps all over. So, if you're in need of a vacation plus arty inspiration, I would definitely check out the details.

I'll be back soon once it hits me that I'm not on vacation anymore. ; )

we're off...

packing, canon digital rebel xti

We're off to British Columbia for a full week.
To heal.
love.
regroup.
laugh.
dance in the rain.
shut out the noise.
regain clarity.
move forward...not back.

We have some good stuff happenin' that we will come back to but for now...we're escaping to a place that brings us joy and comfort so we can fully embrace what is to come.

It's been a painful week. I'm so grateful for my family and my tribe and my husband...who makes me laugh even when we're both sad.

He's a rock star.

So, I'm packing and singing and ready to move on, man.

Totally looking forward to the gluten free pizza being delivered to our hotel room.
Why haven't we thought of that?!?

I'm choosing to surround myself with happy things.
That just happens to be Canadians.
They always make it right. ; )

my big sis*

darlene & me, taken by boho boy

I remember a time when I was 16 years old and my heart was truly broken for the first time in my life. I curled up on my sisters bed and asked her if I had made the right decision. She held me close while I cried in her bosom...all boogery and wet tears drenching her shirt. I remember her wisdom spilling gently but firmly...a wisdom that always flowed so naturally from her heart. She was 26 at the time but such an old soul. I remember how very safe I felt being completely messy that night...something I didn't show everyone in my life as I was always the happy girl wanting to make everyone around me happy. I remember her saying that if I was consumed with confusion about a decision than more than likely it wasn't the right one but if I feel an inner relief, a breath that filled me up and set my heart free, then it was indeed the right decision, even if I still felt pain. She shared a lot more wisdom that night that I have carried with me tucked in my back pocket.

This was twenty years ago. Since then we've had many sister spillings and have helped one another through many journeys but for some reason, this particular one always stuck out in my mind.

I thought of her when I felt myself melting down today. I remembered that piece of wisdom about confusion versus peace when making a decision. I craved more of that older sister wisdom that came spilling when curled up on her bed. Today I let down those guards I can sometimes put up as the little sister trying to prove herself, not needing anyone or anything. I needed her today and I allowed myself to.

Boho Boy and I made a decision today that broke our hearts into a thousand pieces in regards to an adoption. So much of it was completely out of our hands but it didn't hurt any less and felt so very messy. I picked up the phone and as soon as I heard her voice, I let it all out. Funny how with just a crack of my voice, she knew it was me. I don't remember the last time I released this much pain through words, tears, moaning and spilling. What amazes me is the complete safety and trust I felt from her on the other end of the line as she sat in silence, listening. I could feel her feeling me. I heard her crying with me but at the same time, I felt her stand tall and swoop me up and feel protective and yet still acknowledge that I am a grown woman now and her equal. I don't know how she managed to be so absolutely perfect for me in the hours spent on the phone but she was and I feel stronger having spent the day wrapped up in her arms.

After I showed the most raw parts of myself...again with boogery and wet tears, she went onto tell me all the reasons she is "so fricken proud of me". Thats like the best medicine when you feel so completely depleted and vulnerable. I typically shy away from such things but I put aside the humble pie and let her tell me.

So tonight I am heading to sleep with such a swelling of admiration and gratefulness for my sister Darlene and how she somehow just knows how to love me at the times when I need it most.

I'm so very blessed to have two beautiful, passionate, delicious older sisters. I will never take this for granted.

beautiful things*

flowers & thea diptych, canon digital rebel xti

I know I've been a bit quiet about the details of what is going on in our life with adoption and/or trying to conceive right now. There are reasons for my silence. Whether it is out of respect for privacy of those involved or that we are in a space of limbo, uncertain of how this will truly all unfold over the next few months. I promise to spill when appropriate and when I can gather my experience into words that will nurture hearts...mine and yours, rather than add confusion.

What I can share is that I am pleasantly surprised that through all the shifts, I am feeling a special kind of centered I have never felt before. I know this comes from the endless support I receive from family, my tribe, my sensitive and strong husband, God and the Universe blessing me with abundance and an adoption consultant that cares for us deeply.

This special kind of centeredness also comes from what this whole entire journey over the last three and a half years has taught me...and that is how to listen to my inner voice. I've learned to create boundaries where needed and to pull back and breathe when it all feels like too much. I've learned how to let others take care of me while at the same time not giving over my power. I've learned how to guard myself when I'm feeling too open or empathetic. I am continually learning that creating an alternate plan helps me to not feel completely wobbly if the current plan unfolds into a different direction.

These are just bits of what I've learned, really...and it is still a bit messy and lending itself to more wisdom to be gained but I am okay and I'm feeling at peace that we are in a good place with good people surrounding us.

I know this all sounds so cryptic and someday soon I'll be able to pull all the pieces together and tell my complete story.

For now, some other amazing things are transpiring in my life that are helping me to stand tall during my days. My photography business is blossoming in a direction I feel pretty blissed out over. I am connecting with people I have admired from afar and collaborating on a few things that have me feeling giddy like a girl being handed a huge lollipop with swirls of all colors (this use to excite me when i was little at least). I am learning how to express all these natural parts of me in my photographs; femininity, softness, dream-like ethereal romance, inner beauty and strength. This is where I am comfortable and this is where so many true parts of me unfold and feel free during my creative process.

So along side the pain of this journey has come so much beauty and I never look back and regret or feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, I am full of gratefulness and as I sit here and write this, I feel a swelling in my heart with the faith that beautiful things are coming. Beautiful things...

a kind light*

windmill, canon digital rebel xti

"Your soul has been through a great storm,
but all is not lost,
a kind light is coming soon,
to bring you hope & life.

You can rest now and wait...".

~ Jen Lemen

This quote was sent to me as a gift by a dear friend on a day when my heart was breaking. It now sits on my desk for me to see each and every day.

As the week ends and weekend begins, I would love the chance to help sooth a broken heart out there, just as mine was soothed by these gentle, reassuring words.

There is something so absolutely freeing about the permission to rest.

girl crush*

thea coughlin, canon digital rebel xti

She inspires me to read poems, sitting on a soft blanket under a tree, with white daisies and ribbons in my hair, eating a grape in tiny bites, while dipping my toes in rose scented water.

She has that crush effect.

"when two violins are placed in a room
if a chord on one violin is struck the other violin will sound the note
if this is your definition of hope...this is for you
the ones who know how powerful we are
who know we can sound the music in the people around us
simply by playing our own strings
for the ones who sing life into broken wings
open their chests and offer their breath as wind on a still day"

~andrea gibson

eco-chic solutions*

my vintage bottles, canon digital rebel xti

There was an article in last months Body + Soul magazine about the many ways we can create eco-chic solutions with recycled goods around our home. One in particular that I was attracted to was placing all of your old bottles, mason jars and sauce jars onto a vintage tray and putting leaves and fallen flowers you find around your home or neighborhood inside of them. I have a plethora of vintage bottles around my home that we started collecting for our wedding decor. I also clean out new food jars and save them for storage. I had them underneath my window or scattered here and there but I forgot how beautiful they look snuggled up together like this.

There were other cool green ideas; Melting the dregs of burned-out candles to make new ones in old flower pots, making napkins out of old business shirts, blankets out of old scarves that you no longer wear all sewn together side by side, making a trivet to sit hot pots on out of tons of wine corks held together with a hose clamp, tying a bunch of eucalyptus on your shower rod to help clear the sinuses.

I'm all about living green but I'm also about keeping it chic.

I'd love to hear some of your own eco-chic solutions for the body and home.

my date with an angel...

thea, canon digital rebel xti

The emotions that well up inside when looking at these photographs of Thea are the very same ones I felt in her presence for three days. Our exchanges were soft, nurturing, breezy, light, romantic, ethereal, moving and inspiring.

I left feeling more centered into my self, grounded and looking forward. We spent most of the time snuggled into our hotel room full of beautiful natural light and white sheets...without a second thought about needing to be out and about, exploring the cute little town we were in. We tapped into what we needed more and that was to relax and spill about our fertility journeys that we've walked together side by side and once we felt more clarity, helped one another to move forward into the other passions in our life.

I was introduced to Thea by the lovely Sarah, who knew we would naturally hit it off and resonate with one another as we both have had a rough road to conception. The pleasant surprise with our coming together was that we had so many other things in common and she is now a soul sister for life.

Her and I both have had some highly emotionally stuff going on within each of our journeys lately, so I think both of us were curious if my visit out there would be consumed with us shaking our fists to the sky and letting out the anger in a safe place. I myself felt a bit concerned that letting my anger out would put me back into a tale spin of grief but I knew I was supposed to be with her. So, we both took that vulnerable risk of knowing we'd be completely transparent with one another. That can be scary when you're in a space of just trying to stay above water.

What ended up happening was so beautiful that my heart swells to spilling over as I write this. Somehow our energy coming together was a constant swing of Yin and Yang. We had our moments of letting the anger out but we discovered so much clarity in our spillings that the anger wasn't so consuming and confusion didn't have a home anymore. It's like we helped one another pull out our most evolved selves. I felt stronger in her presence.

We ended up moving on and being each others life coaches about our creative business journeys, asking one another all those yummy questions;"What are you crazy wild passionate about. Which of all your talents makes you swoon like a giddy girl in love." In moments of business talk, sometimes emotions about our desire for a baby surfaced and we'd let those tears flow...falling into laughter...moving into business talk again. It was a flow that I felt comfortable with. No judgments. No expectations. No trying to fix the problem. Just feeling and dreaming and inspiring and letting go.

I think it was because of this major Zen fest, we were able to pull out these emotions in our photo shoots of one another. We spent an entire day dressing up, putting on make-up we'd never normally wear, while music softly played from the laptop and the ethereal light in our room guided us. Most of the photo shoot was quiet...where she would be laying there and rather than me have to tell her what to do, I would gently brush her forehead with my hand to tell her to relax her face and pull a little curl closer to her mouth. She did the same with me. A few of the photos she took are in my new banner and my new profile pic.

Later we took a drive along a snow covered highway and squealed in delight at how inspired we felt and how much we love our jobs and that it feels so damn good to be living a passion of ours. Aching for a baby is so very primal and huge but we helped one another to remember that there are other beautiful things birthing in our life and when we put our energies there...everything else makes more sense.

So, now I am home and full of ideas for my business that resonate so closely to my heart. My longing for a baby is still present but it doesn't feel consuming. The peaceful thoughts are soothing the not so peaceful ones. I am grateful for the magic that transpired with Thea and am comforted to know she feels the same.

tales of the iguana*

me & my new hat, canon digital rebel xti

I finally purchased a cowgirl hat. This will make Mermie very very happy. I like how the little holes reflect on my skin...like faerie dust.

Some of you may have figured out by my previous post that a few of my angel-friends gathered together unbeknownst to us and surprised us with a romantic getaway at the Emerald Iguana Inn, tucked into this sweet little town.

We had an unexpected fall through with a birth mom that each of us know was all meant to be but still very painful and this was my friends beautiful way of wrapping there arms around us and gifting us with healing.

Our time in Ojai was absolutely divine. I cannot express in words how grateful we both feel. Every night, as we shut off the light in our room to close our eyes, Boho Boy would say..."thank you friends" out loud. I felt they were all there with us...snuggled up in the clawfoot tub that rested beside our bed, clapping and giggling and waving their hands in a happy dance.

I must say it was the clawfoot tub in the room that was the rockstar of the whole trip. We took baths twice a day. The tub was outside of the bathroom and sat underneath a window overlooking the back porch a few feet away from our king size bed. Very private, very functional, totally cool. We now would like to put a tub in our bedroom when we build a house someday. It just feels so vintage and unique.

Down the street from our hotel was a place called Rainbow Bridge, which was the cutest health food store and restaurant. We ate there for most of our meals because the food was just so wholesome and delicious and the menu changed three times a day. It totally catered to our high maintenance gluten free, dairy free, yeast free diets! We were actually considered normal there, where as anywhere else the waiters say "HUH?...umm you basically can't eat anything on the menu, dudes". All the locals dine there, so it was an awesome experience to meet and observe all the granola crunchy peeps in town, which we discovered Ojai is brimming over with boho hippies of all colors and flavors.

Ojai has a small downtown of just a few blocks, all Spanish style decor and architecture...very old world feel. Beyond the downtown are stretches of land with various farms and ranches. Beautiful landscapes, parks, hiking trails. The neighborhoods near town are so quaint and full of character. Some really gorgeous Victorian style homes and mini Spanish villas.

Our favorite moment was discovering an outside bookstore on the corner of a street. The building had bookshelves built into the outside wall that you could see from the street full of old books and when they close up shop for the night, there is a slot in the front door to put money in if you want one of those books on the outside. When you walked inside, there were no walls or ceilings, just partitions and rain covers over each book shelf. There was a bookstore kitty cat called Sheba that gracefully showed everyone around and would let you pet her if you were nice. Most of the books were used. Every corner had a funky old couch or vintage chair. This alone made us want to move there.

We found our favorite bar at a restaurant called Azu where we sat and had passion fruit Mojitos and chatted up the young cutie bartender. It is here that we discovered Portuguese Lemon, Chicken & Mint soup that we tried to recreate last night at home (Schmoopy...you would so dig this recipe). The bartender explained to us what it was like living there. That it was so small that everyone knew every body's business and yet it has a magical, spiritual feel very similar to Sedona, Arizona. I found this to be so true. The nice thing is that Santa Barbara is only 32 miles away for the locals to escape into a totally different type of paradise.

Ojai is East and away from the ocean but it sits below all these mountain ranges. It is covered in gorgeous flowers and blooming trees. Our hotel was a little oasis tucked in the back behind all the neighborhoods. Huge trees circled it and hid it from passers by. It was a series of big and small cottages that resembled hobbit homes. In the middle of all these cottages was a pool and spa with wooden chairs and beds with comfy cushions. We sat here many times reading under an umbrella.

We had a massage once a day for two days in a row. We didn't realize they hooked us up with the best MT in town. She was this tall, gorgeous soft spoken blond. She had an aura around her that permeated our room. She worked on each of us in our room for one hour. When I was with her, I felt completely healed. I found myself tearing up both times. She never asked why. She just did some healing energy work on me after the massage. When it was our last day with her, we ended up sitting and talking with her on our huge bed. She told us about her and her husband being caretakers at this huge ranch down the road and how he does healing work too. He also is a guide for Safari's in Africa. We all hit it off so well that she gave me her card and told me to keep in touch please. I would love to photograph her someday.

So, I am sharing all this because the entire trip felt magical and purposeful. Like the angels in my life guided us to a spiritual place where healing was at every turn. On the drive there and back (3 hours there, four hours on the way back), we listened to a Wayne Dyer CD about there being a "spiritual solution to every problem". Much of it was about the power of our thoughts on our bodies and in our worlds. This left us opening our minds and hearts in different directions than we have been heading lately.

So, I am back and as much as I am feeling refreshed, healed and showered in magic and love...I spent a lot of yesterday letting my tears flow. I know that often happens when coming down from a bit of a high. I had gone to the grocery store to pick stuff up for our soup and every magazine near the checkout stand had photos of film stars pregnant or holding their newborns; Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba...the list goes on. I sat in my car and wept. I think it was because I felt like I was in a bubble for three full days away from the pain and reality of the most recent adoption fall through and the confusion of whether to press on or try to conceive for a few months. I would like to learn to bring the wisdom and magic from this trip into my every day, despite the reminders that float around me that I do not yet hold my child and that not adopting this most recent baby feels like such a huge loss to me. I realize this takes time and I am being gentle with myself.

So, I came home from the tabloid ridden grocery store and cried a bit more in Boho Boy's chest. And guess what he did? He actually made me laugh. Really hard. Acting out a few funny scenes. So many of my fears melted away. Where did I find this man? Oh, that's right...in Canada. ; )

I know that Boho Boy couldn't be in this head space to joke about it unless we went on this trip. And I wouldn't be in the head space to laugh about it unless I went on this trip and this is why we are so grateful.

By the way...I happen to be ovulating during our trip. No joke. So, this is my first month ever doing thyroid meds and progesterone, which is what my newest doctor thinks was the problem all along. So who knows...perhaps if conception occurred, we'll be naming our kid after the inn which would mean their name would be Emerald or Iguana. ; )

We are beginning to rediscover the balance, the happy medium of still trying to conceive, as well as letting go and allowing the birth mom that feels just as right and wonderful as the last one, to come into our life. We have many other blessings to focus on in our life and will put our energies there for now.

In the mean time, I have another healing retreat to attend to. On Tuesday morning I fly out to New York to be with Thea for three full yummy days. We are stealing away in a hotel room to let it all out and hold that comfortable space with one another about our fertility journeys and the most recent happenings. How beautiful it is to have people in our lives that fully resonate with every morsel of what you're feeling. I haven't seen her since Winter of 2006. I miss her gorgeous face. I hope to photograph this stunning friend of mine and report back with some scrumptious shots of our time together.

ps. boho boy and i did not do a music video...sorry. we were WAY too busy playing in that cool bath tub!!! ; )

be the change...

swirly girl, canon digital rebel xti

"be the change you wish to see in the world"

~ mahatma gandhi

When you are able to take a moment, press play on the Devi Prayer song on my sidebar and meditate on how you can be the change you wish to see in the world.

Even just the mere thought of it can create change.

unbridled joy*

boho boy and me on saint paddy's day a few years ago at our favorite Irish pub

I found this photo today and it warmed my heart. I remember this day clearly. We had arrived at the pub early on Saint Paddy's day and sat up at the bar for HOURS making friends with all the adorable bartenders from Ireland. Carsten and the boys behind the bar made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt. It made me long for those days when we'd indulge in a few drinks on the weekends without worrying if it would make his spermies drunk or give my ovaries a hangover. ; )

We're learning balance again with all of this. Retraining our brains to hush those voices that make everything our fault. Learning how to have joy again and lightness and laughter to the point of holding our stomachs and wiping giggle tears.

I felt unbridled joy this past week when with Swirly and I plan to do so again this week with my Boho Boy. A few of our amazing love-soaked tribe gals gifted us with a romantic getaway because they all instinctively knew we needed to do this. It's one of the most outrageously awesome gifts we've every received and we are going to enjoy every single morsel.

I am so very grateful for the love that has surrounded us throughout this journey. Most of the time I am speechless because I can't seem to find the words to express how humbled and honored I feel to be wrapped up in such unconditional support.

So, my girls have asked for a music video from Boho Boy and I on this trip. Hmmmmm...lets just see how totally relaxed we do get. ; )

Thank you, lovelies...for knowing what we need and surprising us with a trip to get totally blissed out over and to heal our hearts. We love you truly, madly, deeply.

Girl's Rock*

Found this over at my cool friend Meg's blog.

I cried, laughed and felt joy simultaneously. If we have a girl someday...she's so going to this camp.

My favorite quote from this:

"I've been waiting for so long to finally admit to myself that I'm amazing and I really am. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and they get even better when they decide to be powerful and they decide to rock."

It truly is a choice of ours, isn't it?

merry happy girlies*

me & swirly last night...after a few martini's.  ; )

for our homegirlies out there...go here.

we love and miss you.

groovy muzak*

swirly &am