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Wednesday, November 26

balm*


me & my cherub, taken by boho boy last night


my sweet boho boys today, canon 50D

Boho Boy had gone to get us some food while I lay in our hotel bed and cuddle our sweet son. He told me on his drive back that he saw our hotel from a distance and thought to himself "my wife and son are in that hotel" and it hit him, tenderly but also so powerful and he cried (a man cry, he says... ; ).

This overwhelming feeling of awe and realization hits me every once in a while, when I gaze at our baby and my heart fills to bursting and I get a huge lump in my throat. For years now the tears that have spilled over my cheeks have been those of longing and sorrow for this sweet soul but now they come from a joy and harmony I have never known as I hold him close to me. How often Boho Boy and I have looked in one another's eyes over the past few days and smiled or teared up with a knowing that all the hurting and longing of this journey was so worth it. Our baby has found us in the most perfect way.

Today we went to our 3 day of life check up with the Pediatrician out here (we love him). As we were sitting in the waiting room surrounded by darling young ones, Boho Boy caught me smiling while observing them play with the wooden toys on the floor. Later he told me he thought to himself..."I have my wife back" and it almost brought him to tears right there in the waiting room. He remembered all the other times when being in a room full of beautiful children would have brought to surface all those sad and tender places for me. Now I sit there with my cooing babe in my arms and watch them with peace and relief in my heart.

We are healing and our sweet Cedar is the balm.

61 Comments:

Blogger Phoenix said...

I've been visitin your blog for quite sometime now. It feels real joy within, seein you both guys happy. The kid has surely brought you happiness, peace, love that you deserve. Blessings.

November 26, 2008 at 3:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger Moxie said...

I COULD NOT be more happy for you. I couldn't. My joy is so full for you and boho boys this Thanksgiving. I'm so happy!!!

Candice

November 26, 2008 at 3:39:00 PM PST  
Blogger Phoenix said...

I forgot to mention that the kid looks so very cute. Adorable. Especially the first pic, where it is comfortably sleeping, being cherished and protected by you.

November 26, 2008 at 3:40:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why does reading you blog make me feel so good, so relaxed, so calm.. oh heck I can't put it in words.

November 26, 2008 at 3:42:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

beeeautiful!

November 26, 2008 at 3:44:00 PM PST  
Blogger Alisa said...

I adore reading your journey unfold. Your sweet boy looks so content, listening to your heart beat while he sleeps...awww I can really go back and feel those moments with my now 3 yr.old sweetness. photos are so powerful that way. Off to kiss my little boy as he naps...

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!

November 26, 2008 at 3:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

i can't tell you how often i've thought of you and your boys over these past few days, my friend.
instantly, my heart swells with joy and tears flood my eyes...
and i think to myself...
finally.
finally, the waiting is over.
finally, he is here.
cradled in your arms.
nestled in your love.
finally, you are together...
and everything is as it should be.

thank you for sharing these tender moments and beautiful photos of his first few days.
sending love, love, love.
xoxoxo

November 26, 2008 at 3:51:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

ps. i love how his tiny hand is resting on your breast.

sigh*

you are SO, SO beautiful, sweetie and your boys...
hmmmm, your boys are too adorable for words.

i might just sit here and stare at these photos all night..but i'll try to refrain from commenting further on this post this evening. ;-)

November 26, 2008 at 4:01:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Becca said...

My goodness, he's gorgeous!

November 26, 2008 at 4:05:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lymie Lisa said...

I am so happy for you and your new family. What a perfect Thanksgiving you will have! And what a sweet little boy to share it with. I love the photos - thanks for posting!

November 26, 2008 at 4:09:00 PM PST  
Anonymous jennifer said...

You give me so much hope. I found out yesterday for sure that I need meds if I ever even want to have a chance to conceive. It's been a year long journey (so far) and I've been following yours for so long...see you and Cedar together...well, it gives me so much hope. xoxo. Jennifer

November 26, 2008 at 4:13:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

I can completely relate to this post. We waited for 5 years for Camille and I felt on the road to recovery when she was born. It was just such a big emotional exhaling.

Enjoy this healing time.

~Jennifer xoxo

November 26, 2008 at 4:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger all over the map said...

i bet you are both bursting from being so filled up with this enormous love that you could not have possibly imagined until now.
cedar is so yummy. his face all plump and squishy. i want to reach through and cuddle him.
amen to happy hearts.
xo

psst...your family 7 friends must be bursting with excitement to meet him. i have a feeling this Christmas will be like no other.

November 26, 2008 at 4:24:00 PM PST  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

this is the best best best best BEST best best best

this is the best

I am so happy for all three of you-- beyond words

Bisous, Elizabeth

November 26, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM PST  
Blogger Rogue said...

boho,
when we had cunksi's welcoming celebration, mihigna got up to speak, his face wet with tears, he said those very same words about me. Cunksi was/is my balm. I even wrote a poem about it. (I will email it to you if you would like.)I know how you feel, are feeling, have been feeling. I am so happy for you, because i know that feeling of utter unbelivablity as you stare into the eyes of your new precious, sacred creature.
I cried for months, MONTHS everytime I looked at her. I still do. It isn't as often, but her awesomeness and the fact that she is here, STILL Amazes me. All I have to do is think abou her, or watch her going through her daily life and I tear up. I thank my creator numerous times every day for her. I thank HER for coming to me, and i thank the spirits for allowing me to hang on through all the toil and strife, so I could get to this point. I know she was up in heaven looking down, saying, "hold on, I'm coming."
She has been my greatest gift, and my greatest blessing and my greatest lesson.
Nothing beats being a mother.

NOTHING.

I love you, and your family, and I send you the greatest wishes for hapiness and health.
Your joy and centeredness is palatable.
I'm exstatic for you.

Take care of you, and your fabu family!
xoxox rogue

November 26, 2008 at 4:31:00 PM PST  
Blogger kristen said...

your face is the picture of beauty and pure contentment as your son sleeps on your chest.

i love the look on your face, i love cedar's tiny had gripping fingers as he drinks.

this is pure love.

November 26, 2008 at 4:33:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, oh...this makes me so happy. You look so content. When I see pictures of you and your hubby with your son I think this was meant to be and now it has come true. I am holding you, your hubby, and K & hubby and of course baby Cedar in my heart. This is such a beautiful love story and it makes my heart sang. Happy Thanksgiving!

Best,



Chalaundrai

November 26, 2008 at 4:44:00 PM PST  
Blogger pakosta said...

so happy you are recording all these precious memories while they are fresh in your mind....beautiful pictures, beautiful words and beautiful beautiful family you have.....
tara

November 26, 2008 at 5:12:00 PM PST  
Blogger marzi said...

congratulations again. i just wanted to say that i can totally relate to much of today's post. we struggled for a long, long time and went through much heartache before being blessed with our boys. i know what it's like to not be able to be in a room filled with children before my boys arrived, and the feeling of "being back" after they finally came! i'm so happy that you can feel that now too. much to give thanks for this year!

November 26, 2008 at 5:13:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

as annon said above... ''this is a beautiful love story''..... that is so true.. my nose went all tingly and the eyes dropped happy tears when you said BOho Boy.had man tears..the openness you are sharing is so special,thankyou again ..hope you are in your ''real home'' soon ..magic days aheadXXXOOO Carole

November 26, 2008 at 5:18:00 PM PST  
Blogger denversavage said...

Just a silent lurker here, but I wanted to say congratulations on your wee Cedar.:):) He is truly beautiful and so meant to be. I was reading some earlier posts of yours recently, and a year ago this time about, you were finally at peace because you knew what was meant to be in the very near future. I just find it so amazing how connected you are with your body, mind and soul, to now realize your hearts desire come to fruition. That is so beautiful to me, really. It's hope in it's purest form.

Happy Holidays sweet lil' family!

Janel

November 26, 2008 at 5:31:00 PM PST  
Blogger Graciel @ Evenstar Art said...

This truly is one of the sweetest stories ever told. In uncertain times, your family reminds us all that love is the answer to everything, that love is the bomb.

November 26, 2008 at 5:33:00 PM PST  
Blogger Rowena said...

So lovely, so blessed.

To witness someone who is so PRESENT in the experience of becoming a mother.

I knew you would get your baby. There just was no way you wouldn't.

And now he's home, and so are you.

November 26, 2008 at 6:01:00 PM PST  
Anonymous nikole said...

This post gives me goosebumps.

Sigh.

I am so, so happy for the three of you. At last, you are together. Welcome home, Cedar.

November 26, 2008 at 6:02:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Lacey in Alaska said...

I've been lurking for far too long. I check every day for updates.
You don't know me, but I want you to know that you have inspired me; artistically and as a future mama. My fears about my potential fertility problems have been soothed just by reading your family's story.
Thank you for sharing you life with strangers like me.

November 26, 2008 at 6:17:00 PM PST  
OpenID bijougirl said...

My heart burst with joy looking at these pictures and reading your words.

Thank you for sharing this precious time.

Jaclyn

November 26, 2008 at 6:40:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Annie said...

Oooooh. Beautiful pictures, AND in B&W!

Sigh. That's exactly how I used to hold Matthew and Gracie. Enjoy!

Matthew at 9 years old will still sit on my lap and get as small as his skinny self can. It brings back so many precious memories...

November 26, 2008 at 7:00:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Rebecca F. said...

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your journey with us. This moment would not be so powerful to all of us reading if you hadn't shared just how much you wanted it.

I had a year of infertility before my girl came to me. I think the waiting makes it all the more sweet and worth it. It makes it so much easier to not take the little things for granted.

Peace and love and thanks.

Rebecca F.

November 26, 2008 at 7:14:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Rebecca F. said...

PS. Keep the pictures coming. I love looking at them too!

November 26, 2008 at 7:15:00 PM PST  
Blogger meesh said...

i can't say it enough.

i am so very happy for you.

have a wonderful thanksgiving with your beautiful family.

seeing you snuggle cedar makes me miss the days when my boys were little. don't blink because they grow and change so quickly. the baby part doesn't last long enough.

peace,

meesh

November 26, 2008 at 7:18:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

I thought of you guys every time I woke up last night. Such a great place.....just you, your husband and Cedar.
Thanks for the updates.

November 26, 2008 at 7:34:00 PM PST  
Blogger celeste said...

congratulations.
tears of recognition are streaming down my face as i rock our little man i'm wearing in a sling...
what joy.
enjoy.
i hope you are all able to be in your home soon. that nesting is so good.

November 26, 2008 at 7:35:00 PM PST  
Blogger Beth said...

bewtween this post and the video from jen....I have teared up !!!

what a blessing you all have in one another !!!

November 26, 2008 at 7:44:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Diana said...

I'm speechless. Blessings and thank you so much for sharing.

November 26, 2008 at 8:18:00 PM PST  
Anonymous emily said...

i am overwhelmed by the love and sweetness and joy in your expression of these precious moments.

November 26, 2008 at 8:24:00 PM PST  
Blogger Julia said...

You are beautiful together. You'll be in awe of him for...ever. I still gaze at my 5 yr old and can't believe we get to spend so many more years together.

November 26, 2008 at 8:33:00 PM PST  
Blogger bee said...

deni,

i hope you know that i say this with all the love in my heart: cherub is the PERFECT name for him. he is soooo sweet.
the first picture, of you and cedar, is so wonderful. and then of c. and his son....these are the most beautiful photos, suffused with those emotions of love and tranquillity, and my god, i am so happy for you.

c. brought up a poignant point when he said he had his wife back. i'm so happy that you not only have your son, but you have found your way back to your centre and are you again.

this is soooo right.

thank you so much for trusting us with these precious moments of your first days together....i'm in love with watching your story develop.

infinite, infinite blessings. i'm so happy for you all.

November 26, 2008 at 8:53:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, it should be illegal to be that damn cute! Baby cheeks (top and bottom) are cute overload. I bet you and Carsten can't wait to bring him home. When we brought our first baby home, that's when it hit me that we were really a family. You're stepping into a familiar place but you are a new person with a new life. It is so preciously surreal! I remember early in the year you said you knew this was the year you would become a mother. You did it! Is this just going to be the most amazing holiday season or what?!

Love,
Nashay

November 26, 2008 at 9:08:00 PM PST  
Blogger Wanda said...

Oh how precious ~~~ I'm loving your pictures, and your happiness.

LOL:Wanda

November 26, 2008 at 9:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger michael morrow said...

Yeh.........man tears, years have a way of revealing a multitude of man facets in those man-tear jewels. I'm happy to report that as often as I see them on my cheeks, I'm always pleased with myself, too. Sometimes their lonely tears, sometimes their disconnect tears, sometimes their joy splattered. Thing that amazes me is that tears, always the same wet, salty, flowing tears express so many different feelings. I'll bet other angels have tears too

November 26, 2008 at 9:17:00 PM PST  
Blogger kristin said...

incredible. the most perfect thanksgiving to you all

November 26, 2008 at 9:31:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Ryann said...

Everything is just so . . . right. Just so beautiful. Oh, for every child to be as treasured and hoped for as darling Cedar! I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

Sending kisses directly to those chubby little cheeks.

November 26, 2008 at 10:15:00 PM PST  
Blogger megg said...

It has all been said here dozens of times over - but I am so happy for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you and hope to meet the little one someday!!

Boho FAMILY!!!

xo

November 26, 2008 at 11:19:00 PM PST  
Blogger pen* said...

these photos make my heart swell. and you continue to inspire through your words and open heart... you truly are the most beautiful family xx

November 26, 2008 at 11:53:00 PM PST  
Blogger Carol said...

I'm more of a silent observer of your blog, but these photos and the words that you have written have compelled me to comment today. Truly beautiful. I'm so very happy that this beautiful little boy has come to you, that your healing is taking place. And I look forward to viewing all of the beautiful photos that will appear of this delightful boy in the future.

Peace

November 27, 2008 at 12:34:00 AM PST  
Blogger tan!a said...

"I have my wife back"
Says a lot.

I wish that you all heal well with Cedar as your balm.

Thanks for updating.

November 27, 2008 at 2:50:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a lovely thanksgiving...

November 27, 2008 at 3:37:00 AM PST  
Anonymous patricia said...

i love those photos -- you are so at home with him...happy thanksgiving, mama, papa and baby boho...

November 27, 2008 at 4:53:00 AM PST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

This is all so beautiful, so tender, and so loving. What a wonderful thing to be great full for this thanksgiving. I can picture that enormous smile on your face Denise. It is brilliant.

I am so happy for all of you and wishing you the best. Baby Cedar is so blessed to have the two of you as parents. These photos already show how much love is oozing out of you. It is so wonderful.

Thank you for sharing all of your journey with us. The world is at baby cedars fingertips. He is brand new to this amazing experience called life and I know he will have one heck of an adventure.

Wishing you all the best!

xoxo Jennifer

November 27, 2008 at 4:54:00 AM PST  
Blogger helen said...

i'm weeping for the beauty of it all ...
blessed be
helen

November 27, 2008 at 5:19:00 AM PST  
Anonymous tara whitney said...

these photos, and this post, give me shivers.
happy thanksgiving denise.
xo

November 27, 2008 at 5:38:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lisa said...

My God, what a happy ending! Have a blessed Thanksgiving...you have much to celebrate.
Love to the three of you,
Lisa

November 27, 2008 at 5:48:00 AM PST  
Blogger debsphotographs said...

So incredible. I am so happy for you guys. Thank you for sharing these tender moments and thoughts with us. Seeing the photos and reading your words gives me the chills. Wishing you the Happiest Thanksgiving!
Deb

November 27, 2008 at 7:57:00 AM PST  
Anonymous granolagirl said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now and am inspired by your courage, honesty, and sincerity. Thank you so much for sharing your touching journey with us. I have been leaving your blog teary eyed but that's a good thing! Enjoy the journey into motherhood. It is the most amazing and rewarding thing you will ever do. Cedar has found the most amazing parents!

November 27, 2008 at 8:32:00 AM PST  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

He is so adorable...that first photo...of him and his mama...all of them...makes my heart burst with joy!
may I say 'my cup is running over'! Love you xx

November 27, 2008 at 9:31:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Heather said...

You look exhausted and I could not be happier. He is lovely. As I wrote this, I saw a hawk circling outside my window...my personal sign that everything is going to be alright. Gave me chills.

Hope you have a lovely babymoon, you three. Warm thoughts to his first mama as she journeys on. What a beautiful thing this all is.

November 27, 2008 at 9:53:00 AM PST  
Blogger Uber Mer said...

I am so so happy for you two. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years, and have felt your pain, tears, and now overwhelming joy through this journey. I look forward to all the wonderful Cedar stories.

Again, congratulations to you all! What a happy family... much love, Meridith

November 27, 2008 at 10:24:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lil said...

Denise, your WORDS sound so healing too...and love-full...I can barely read through my tears of joy for you both...

Lil

November 27, 2008 at 1:02:00 PM PST  
Blogger Schmoops said...

i literally can't stop gazing at these photos of you all. Absolute angels, all of you. I have never seen a more peaceful shot of all the hundreds of gorgeous ones of you there are, and with sweet Cedar at your breast, it's easy to see why. The story in these pictures is felt, fully and deeply.

Motherhood suits you angel, we all knew that it would,

xo

November 28, 2008 at 2:54:00 PM PST  
Blogger Sooz said...

Add me to the list of those brought to tears (of joy for you!) over your last few posts....filled with gratefulness for your sharing your story with us in blogland....and overflowing with happiness that your precious Cedar has arrived at last to fill your hearts.

You are a beautiful mama!

November 28, 2008 at 11:59:00 PM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Darling-oh how I just love love love these bw photos. I would LOVE to have a copy of them for my studio. Moments rush to my memory of the places I was sitting during different conversations with you when my longing just roared to the universe to relieve you as I felt this golden string of heart connection across the miles throb with intense frustration and pain.

These photos of you and Carsten just take my breathe away. I am absolutely overjoyed to know you and your spirit baby have found eachother. I am so thankful for K and T - I have been sending them prayers and gratitude.

I love you

oh and Cedar is absolutely positively yummy.

November 29, 2008 at 5:36:00 AM PST  

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