Thursday, August 30

honoring uncertainty*

the lovely theodora, canon digital rebel xti

Honor uncertainty. It's the seed from which all-knowingness comes. Give it time.

~ Mike Dooley

I think I have finally come to a place where I honor uncertainty. It was a painful road to get here but I've given up needing to know when and why and just trust in divine timing.

I say this because I look back and see that even though I don't yet have a baby, something I've yearned for so badly, I do have so many out of this world beautiful gifts as a result of this journey. Gifts that blow my mind.

So, I've given up the idea that I am being punished. I'm done with that. I don't see it that way any longer. The clouds are parting and I see the bigger picture. I see that I needed this time to focus on my relationships, my photography, my growth and I am grateful...grateful that I had the space to do all of this.

I am uncertain how or when our baby will come into our life. But I am honoring this and trusting that what has happened thus far is exactly what I needed and what will happen in the following days will be as well.

It's wild to go from feeling punished to feeling blessed. From victim to warrior. What a shift.

Wednesday, August 29

our angel*

a card i made for my parents with a picture of me and Daisy on Christmas morning, 2006

Those of you that read my big sister's blog may already know that my parents had to put their precious angel down a few weeks ago. Daisy had been suffering from seizures constantly and my parents were told she had a brain tumor and it would only get worse and more painful.

This happened while I was on the retreat. I was sitting in Kate's flat when I got the email from my mother that Daisy was no longer with us. I had a feeling I needed to check my email real quick and had asked if I could borrow her laptop before the girls headed out for the day. The email was a shock to me, even though I knew our sweet Daisy was so ill. My heart dropped into my stomach. I talked to a few of the girls about it and then needed to spend some time alone in the room I was staying. I let the tears fall. I think I can do that pretty well. Just feel everything and let it go through me. It's pretty rare that I am able to push things aside. I do it sometimes but not often.

I had a really special relationship with Daisy. My parents got her as a puppy when I was living in Dallas for a few years. When I transferred back to San Francisco, I stayed with my parents a few months before I found my own place. It was then that Daisy and I bonded. I would lay down with her in bed in the middle of the night when my parents were sleeping. We did this thing were we would both lay on our sides facing one another and she would put her arm up around me and I would do the same to her while we gazed in one another's eyes. Another ritual we had was every morning when I would get up to pour some coffee, she would walk up to me and reach her paws up to my chest and stretch like a cat.

These two things she did with me every time I would visit my parents the years to follow. She didn't do it with anyone else. It was our thing. She was like my little sister and to my parents...she was their little girl.

This was one of the hardest things they've had to go through. They are retired and spent their entire day with her. Especially when she was ill. They cared for her with diabetic shots, pills, lotions, ear medication, all day. Then all of a sudden, their home was empty and the sadness really hit.

It was difficult to hear them cry over the phone. I wanted to reach over and make it all better. That is always our first instinct, isn't it? But I knew they needed to feel this grief and let it wash over them before I started mentioning another puppy.

The other day I put a package together for them. I professionally printed and matted a few pictures I took of Daisy. I made them a card and a CD of songs in memory of our Daisy Girl. It was so healing for me. It was my time to grieve, to cry, to dance around in my studio with thoughts of her. It was a wake...a ritual of sorts, acknowledging that she is now our angel with wings.

I receive a phone call from my mother that they found a breeder in Washington that breeds Golden Retriever's and Poodles and they're called Golden Doodles (hilarious). My parents were expecting to have to wait over 6 months but a family cancelled last minute and they will be getting a female puppy the end of September. It's all happening so fast but part of me believes Daisy had a part in this, knowing her parents needed some joy back in their home.

Here is a picture of the new member of our family. They named her Callie. She is in the second batch of puppy pictures (Lacy & Toby's litter) and is the second puppy with the orange scarf tied around her neck. Isn't she precious?

Can't wait to snuggle this little curly one. She will never take the place of our precious Daisy but she sure will add joy and create another place to set up home in our hearts.

On a side note, one of my friends just congratulated me for being nominated for best blog. I had no idea what the heck she was talking about and then she sent me this link. I've never even heard of these awards but feel really honored and am grateful to whomever nominated me. I wanted to publicly thank them!

Here are a few of the pictures I took of Daisy Mae last Christmas:

Tuesday, August 28

three magical years*

down the aisle ~ 2004 , photos by robin nations

This month marks three years of marriage to my soul mate/friend/husband.

I spent some time this morning thinking about our wedding and the emotional high of that day. One of the moments that is closely knitted to my heart is when I was walking down the aisle towards Carsten.

I remember holding onto my father's arm so tightly as we walked through the trees on the way to the silky, rose petaled aisle. I could feel my father holding back the tears and I knew if I looked at him, the flood of tears wouldn't stop. I just looked ahead, stroking my dad's arms and telling him I love him. My father kept reminding me to breathe. He was a pillar for me that day.

I remembered waiting to feel afraid but that fear never came. I felt like I was walking into a whimsical adventure with a man that I could have sworn I knew as a child, playing in a field of flowers and giggling together. That's how I felt when I met him for the first time. "Didn't we play together as children?" The familiarity was other worldly.

Once my father and I stepped on the silk, I couldn't take my eyes off of Carsten. The way he looked at me wrapped me in a love and tenderness that I had always dreamed of. People told me for years that my idea of a husband couldn't exist. But they were wrong. It was right there before me and I wasn't afraid. I walked towards him with an open heart...feeling so sure of his love for me.

A friend of mine sent me an old Amy Grant song the other day. Believe it or not, she was my hero back in the 80's. I memorized the lyrics to all of her songs and still remember them to this day. I had forgotten about the song my friend sent to me.

When I heard it yesterday, the tears fell. I remember when I was in my early teens, listening to this song, dreaming of this very love I have found. Dreaming of falling in love with a man that loved me back fiercely. That wasn't afraid to give his heart. A man that was sensitive to the core but whose strength always made me feel so protected. I would listen to this song and imagine us dancing, gazing, filled with a warmth that was pure magic.

I didn't realize that I was manifesting a reality for my future...

Happy Anniversary my love. Our love inspires me every day. That day my heart was so full that I could never imagine our love growing because it was so big. But it has. Deeper, wider and more free. Thank you for loving me so much that you set me free each day to create the world around me that I need to thrive. It always draws me even more near to you. Every day...

Here is the song:

Let me say once more that I love you,
Let me say one time, maybe two,
That I love the way that you love me,
And I wish I knew more of you.

Tell me that time can't erase
This look of love on your face.

Let me say once more that I need you,
One more time or just maybe two.
Oh, my life will always be richer
For the time I've spent here with you.

Let me say once more that I love you,
Let me say one time, maybe two,
That I love the way that you love me,
And I wish I knew more of you.

Tell me that time won't erase
The way that my heart sees your face.

I call your name,
You look my way,
It's clear you trust each word I say.
When life is long and problems come,
You'll always be my only one.
So now we're standing face to face,
And with one look your eyes embrace me.
Squeeze away each haunting fear,
And say the words I long to hear.

Tell me that time won't erase
This look of love.

Let me say once more.
I love you.
I do.

"Say Once More" by Amy Grant

Sunday, August 26

friendships in my life*

my sweet friend Letha Sandison..who is currently in Uganda, Africa
helping those that need her and her gifts, canon digital rebel xti

The past few days my heart and I have been celebrating the close friendships in my life, including those within my family. I've allowed images and scenes of these relationships to come into my mind and I feel an overwhelming gratefulness in my heart.

I love that I have a choice in who I surround myself with and that they too celebrate that choice. It's empowering to spend your time with people that lift you up, deeply care for your heart, are consistent in who they are and take responsibility for their own happiness.

I recognize that I am blessed to share myself with people like this. I am blessed that they inspire me to be a deeper, wider, more daring and adventurous me.

My friend Jen said it so well in one of her most recent posts. This really hit home with me...

"...life can be tough enough without negative, gossipy, judgemental, jealous, people sucking you dry. its nice to know i have a choice about the type of people i am willing to let influence my life and share my time."

I'm learning how to open my heart but also keep boundaries when I feel any of the things Jen mentioned above. This is a huge step for me in maintaining healthy relationships.

As I've said before, the past few years have been some of the toughest days, months of my entire life. With all this, some amazing people have circled me and allowed me to circle them. Old friends, new friends, family. I've learned so much about what type of friend I want to be...and what type of friends I need in my life.

Some amazing things are beginning to transpire for me and I so appreciate my friends that are cheering me on and believing in me through it all. My eyes fill with tears as I write this. I didn't realize how hungry I was for this type of unconditional love and support. I could always give it so freely but never expected it in return.

Now I am learning the balance and it feels so awe-inspiring.

Friday, August 24

i love being a girl*

stacie...the schmoopy girl, canon digital rebel xti

i was thinking today about how i love being a girl.
female, woman, feminine, girl.

i love it when my hair is up in a messy bun...and loose tendrils fall.
i love it when my ruffly free people skirt swirls when i do twirls up in my studio.
i love feeling free to be mushy squishy and snuggly with my girlfriends.
i love tossing my hair and giving you that sexy grin.
i love crawling into bed like a kitty cat and whispering in my husbands ear.
i love getting a glance in the mirror and not being afraid of my curves.
i love crying when i am happy.
crying when i am sad.
crying when i just feel like crying.
i love the smell of essential oils in my hair,
and the feeling of my skin when scented lotion is lathered all over.
i love that my closet is full of pinks, reds, embroidered, floral and flowy fabric.
i love feeling small wrapped up in my husbands arms.
i love playing dress up.

i love that i can be and feel all of this,
and also kick ass like a boy.

Thursday, August 23

...just Stand.

andrea & ben, canon digital rebel xti

A few gentle souls in my life, including some on the retreat, asked how I felt being around Ben. I know they asked me this because as much as I love babies, want a baby and enjoy being in their presence, the past few years it has brought up a lot of emotions when I am around them.

When I walk by pregnant women and/or parents holding their babies, I tend to feel that longing so deeply and I just have to look away. Otherwise I know I am capable of bursting into tears, depending on my head space that particular day. Sometimes I'll find myself starring at them with tears welling...which is probably a bit disturbing for the parent(s) to notice.

Since Andrea and I have walked this journey to conceive together, I knew she would understand if I needed to take some time away or if I looked overwhelmed or if I burst into tears at any given moment. I knew she would be gentle and get it and that I would be loved through it. As would the other women present on this retreat since they loved and supported Andrea on her journey to Ben.

What ended up transpiring between me and Ben was completely opposite of what I was afraid of. I actually fell madly in love with him and wanted him to be around at all times. Even though my longing was still there and very strong, I actually felt at peace, knowing I will have my own miracle soon. It was just a knowing feeling I did not expect. I usually have a feeling of fear that it would never happen to me when I am around babies. Not with Ben. He was like this beam of light and reassurance for me...gazing into my soul with his big blue eyes gently encouraging me not to give up.

I found myself observing him and Andrea together. Observing him with the other lovelies...

ben & andrea, notice her yummy Joy Superhero necklace, canon digital rebel xti

Jen sipping tea...and making noises with Ben

Swirly was totally Ben's girlfriend during the whole retreat

I was allowed that space to just stare, to watch, to let soak the essence of him in without being worried what the others thought. As I said in my previous post...I was given permission to just be whatever I was in that moment.

And during those moments with Ben...I was hopeful. I remember more than year ago tearful phone calls with Andrea and here she was smiling, kissing and hugging all over her baby boy. It was such a sight to behold. A miracle. This will be me someday. I feel so sure of it.

On our last day together, we all went to Glide in the city. The service was other worldly. Full of acceptance, diversity, open minds and getting your boogie on. Totally how church should be. At one point, towards the end, a woman got up to sing a beautiful, heart~soaked song that had this message:

"When you feel you've done all you can... just STAND."

As she belted these words up to the sky, tears streamed down my face. My heart swelled and I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt warm all over. I was open and receiving this message. Yes Denise...just stand. Such a simple and powerful statement. At times I have felt like I have to do something, anything to control the situation. Lately I have been able to release and just be. This image of standing felt so right. Just standing.

For a while I was in my own little Universe...weeping, closing my eyes, wiping my tears, listening to the God that I know surrounding me through this song. I opened my eyes to see the lovelies sitting by my side
looking over at me with tears in their eyes. They wrapped their arms around me, held my hands, cried with me and each said to me..."This is for YOU."

I will never forget this surreal moment. I am crying just writing this. Feeling so supported, loved and grateful for this message. How can I express in words a moment that has changed my life forever?

It's easier just to feel it...

Tuesday, August 21

taking flight

kelly rae, jen gray, andrea, me, swirly, kate, taken by mattew passmore

I chose this picture today not only because Andrea looks like a total ninja rock star...but because it truly emulates so much of the fun that was had during this retreat.

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard...for four days straight.
There were also tears. Healing, cleansing, loving tears.
In fact...sometimes there were both simultaneously.
The pure raw gift of being surrounded by such extraordinary women.
Women that give you
permission to be whatever you are in that moment.

I am blessed to have surrounded myself with women that are so gentle, loving and accepting in my life. I felt blessed to be around some of them this weekend.

I've returned a tired
girly but the exhaustion comes from so much goodness.

In the midst of all the fun, we circled once a day with a Barbie as a talking stick (thanks to Jen) and one by one, we shared the successes and struggles that come with being an
independent artist.

I've gathered so many nuggets of wisdom.
Feeling so very grateful for this.

I love how in the picture above, Andrea is trying one of her old
cheerleading moves and we are surrounding her, cheering her on as she takes flight. I feel like it symbolizes what we did for one another all weekend. A lifting up, a cheering on as we all take flight into the unknown.

But in this picture below...it's really just all about discovering our sexy... ; )

a few of jen's pics are here.
and these hilarious ones that andrea took.

i am sure more will unfold... ; )

Tuesday, August 14


feeling brave, canon digital rebel xti

There is a song that I've been listening to quite often over the last few weeks that my dear friend Meg put on a CD for the tribe. Every time I hear the chorus my throat tightens and tears fill my eyes. It's not a sad welling of tears. It is tears of overwhelming gratefulness for all I've/we've been through on this journey.

It's about us never giving up in the face of other's doubt.
It's about lifting my arms up to the sky and letting go.
It's about reconnecting with the divine wisdom within myself that had been silenced.
It's about admitting I am scared and facing those fears.
It's about dancing after the tears fall.

The last few days after my niece left I found myself feeling vulnerable and being brought to tears at random times. I've learned to not fight it and to just let it move through me because I know I am always left standing. Perhaps even more firm.

I think what is happening is I am preparing myself for what is to come. I feel a shift approaching. After my surgery in early September, we will be given more hope. It excites me and it scares the shit out of me. I am afraid of that familiar disappointment but at the same time have decided to not rob myself of the joy. This tells me there is an even more wild journey ahead.

The day after tomorrow I will be traveling to a gentle place where me and four other incredibly brave women friends will circle together and remind one another that we can do this thing called life and do it with abandon. I know these women will inspire me to rock on with my photog business and then some. This gathering came at the perfect time for me.

If you haven't already, I encourage you to visit their beautiful worlds. I have no doubt they will wildy inspire you:

jen gray
christine m.

I will reconnect here in a week or so. Until then, here are the lyrics to the song I spoke of. If you listen to it, I have a feeling you'll be doing twirls with arms wide open as proud tears fall to the ground. Because you are brave and deep inside you know this.

life's so fragile and so frail
and we hold on despite it all
and we're all scared sometimes
and i want to be strong but i never know where to begin
and the light from the window is making me want to stay in
but...darlin' you free me.

and i'm brave
i'm brave
like a feeling i had
once upon a time

like a bird in my mind
wings so high
deep inside

so i turn my face out to the sky
and i know you're out there somewhere
with your satin crown

so i'm spinning closer to my soul
and i'm still here inside me,
although i'm on my own

and i'm brave
i'm brave
like a feeling i had
once upon a time
like a bird in my mind
wings so high
deep inside

~ stephanie dosen

Monday, August 13

niece, sister, friend...

kelly, senior portraits, canon digital rebel xti

After taking her senior portrait, we just played in the sun, sand and waves...

I think some of you know this but I have been an aunt since I was 10 years old. So, I suppose I have in a way grown up with my nieces and nephews (I have 5 all together).

I think because I was so young, they've always seen me as a friend more than anything, which is what I want, what I love about our relationships.

The past four days with Kelly was like hanging out with a girlfriend. Especially because she is such an old soul. All the elements of our relationship surfaced; friend, aunt, sister, daughter, mother... flowing into one another comfortably and gracefully.

She's very sensitive and intuitive, picking up on whether or not I want/need to talk about something and never pressing the issue. We did that for one another. She also sees the bigger picture of everyone and everything in her life, rarely taking things personally which is so difficult to do. It took me until my late twenties to figure that out. She gets it at 17. If someone hurts or offends her, she always seeks and understands what led that person to this particular behavior. Knowing its rarely about her but mostly about their wounded heart. Brilliant, I tell you.

She fit into our everyday life like a glove. She's so curious about health and nutrition (studying to be a nurse), so never once judged our interesting diets or neurosis about food and how they make us feel. She joined us with fresh veggie juice first thing in the morning and snacking on goji berries during the day. She actually had me write everything down so she could begin her own conscious way of eating.

It's so fun to share your wisdom with someone who is hungry for it. It's so heart warming to share your love with someone who embraces it wholeheartedly. It's so refreshing to share your humor with someone who gets it.

One time, her and I were sitting on the bathroom floor, putting our make-up on and curling our hair, looking into the various mirrors I have leaning up against the wall. I made sure I put the mirror in front of her that she was admiring when she first arrived. When I did this, she looked over at me and said..."you're going to be such an amazing mother...you are."

I smiled, gulped back my tears and grabbed one of her cool eye shadows to try.

kelly & me canon digital rebel xti

Sunday, August 12

faerie girly*

my niece kelly, canon digital rebel xti

just soaking up every moment with this beautiful faerie girly that is wise beyond her years.

we saw the film Interview last night. definitely check it out.

we're taking some senior portraits today. i'll be sure to share our favorites...

Friday, August 10

a soothing shelter*

our new daybed thanks to IKEA, canon digital rebel xti

My beautiful niece Kelly is coming to stay with us for four days. She's entering into her last year of high school...a huge milestone. I am so thrilled to have her here to snuggle, giggle and share before she dances into a time in her life she's been looking forward to. Her home is full of two teenage brothers and I know she always says how relaxed and calm she feels here. I can't wait to make her fresh veggie juice in the morning and make her all these recipes we've been having fun with. This will be her time to purge before she begins anew.

We have plans to hit all the cool vintage shops to fill up on school clothes. Kelly has a unique style compared to all her friends, so its so fun to go shopping with her. I also plan to take her senior portrait. I look forward to posting those. She's so angelic.

The last few days Boho Boy and I have put together the daybed you see in the pic above. We didn't have a bed for anyone to stay over, so our guests have always slept on the couch. Our studio upstairs feels even more magical with this soothing shelter to lay on. Although...Boho Boy was laughing that he feels like his masculinity might be in question when people come over with this princess bed and the flowy fabric above my desk. So funny.

Anyways, had to share these pics of him working on the bed. I think he is so fricken adorable when he works on the house. I am madly in love with my husband and that feels so amazing.

I'll be away from email and blogging while she's here. I want to soak in every morsel of her being. I left a comment on my previous post to all you lovelies who left me your stories. I am so very grateful...

Thursday, August 9

choosing your family*

charlie & logan, canon digital rebel xti

One of the cutest things about this picture that you can't really see clearly is the twin on the left has a blue electric guitar on his shirt and the one on the right has a yellow acoustic guitar. This means one is "a little bit country and the other is a little bit rock and roll". So cute. The parents found the twin tees at Twinkle Kids.

I feel like I need to put it out there that I am struggling with something today. I had a conversation with someone yesterday and the idea of adoption came up. I was sharing that Boho Boy and I have come to a place where we are feeling more at peace about this journey because we know we will be parents no matter what the circumstances. I say this because as much as we will always try for a biological child, we are very open to the idea of adoption. Even if we do have our first baby naturally, we have talked very seriously about adopting our second child. After my surgery in September, we feel as though we will be starting over on the path to getting pregnant but with this new excitement, we are keeping our options open.

The person I shared this with has no idea what it is like to be me, as getting pregnant was as easy as drinking a glass of water to her. I took that into consideration when I heard them go on about how there is nothing like being pregnant and having your own child and that if we adopted, we wouldn't feel the same closeness. Basically encouraging me to not give up trying to conceive.

Those words shot through me like a knife in the chest. Does this person realize I may not have a choice? Most importantly, I don't agree. I have known intimately or met several people who were adopted or have adopted and I recall one woman saying that she completely forgot she was not pregnant with her adopted child.

Even though I have yet to adopt, I see it as a different experience but all the more lovely and close and beautiful. When you actually choose a child to be in your family, that is on a whole different level of love. It's just so special.

The reason I am putting it out here is not for you to get angry at the person who said this to me and put any negative thoughts here in your comments about them (please). I'd love for you to share your adoption stories so that I can embrace them with hopes that it will sooth this pain I have in my heart.

I know people that have never gone through this can be very naive and not realize that what they say can be so painful. This person is not mean spirited but just has never had any life experiences with anyone adopted or who has adopted.

I did have my moments of being angry last night but I am passed that and just need some comfort. I don't want to put any more energy into that and today I want to grow from this, not fester.

I was a bit hesitant to share this because I was concerned that if any of you are adopted or have adopted, that what this person said to me may be really offensive for the same reasons it was for me. My intention is not to bring up any negative emotions but for you to dive deep into your story and share the absolute wild beauty of it. That is what I need and the world needs to hear.

What are your stories? Tell me some beautiful things...

Tuesday, August 7

self portrait challenge ~ patterns {2}

self portrait, canon digital rebel xti

What you see in this picture are two out of the eight hooks I have with all of my scarves on them. I am sure I have mentioned at one time or another that I am obsessed with scarves. It helps that both my sisters and my marmie knit them. They never lack for what to give me for Christmas or birthdays. So I have a plethora of long, short, vertical or horizontal stripes...and even some with appliques. My mother in law (mom kroon) sent me some vintage silk scarves that I like to wrap around my head every once in a while. The patterns on these are to die for.

I am very attracted to patterns these days. There was a time in my life when I worked at the Gap and Banana Republic and all I wore were solids in black, blue, brown, gray and white. Oh and if you're wondering...I can fold pants and shirts like none other!! I think anyone that has every worked there has an unspoken understanding that clothes must be folded a certain way and anything else won't do. Brainwashing much? ; )

I noticed after working with the Gap Corp for five years, that I began to embrace patterns. They are an expression of so many parts of our personality. I think I shyed away from them for so long because I was under the impression that petite & curvy girls like me shouldn't wear them. They might make me look smaller or bigger. Now... I don't really care. I've been at the place for a long while now where I dress to express myself, not to impress others.

Lately I am loving simple floral patterns. It's the true feminine in me.

Find other lovely spc patterns here.

ps. i want to give this talented and sweet woman a shout out. her unique custom design clothes make me swoon. boho boy purchased a few for my bday coming up in september. her solid designs look fabulous with patterned tees.

Monday, August 6

celebration of life*

jon-erik & carsten (boho boy), canon digital rebel xti

I've been wanting to share for a while now about the most meaningful part of our trip out to Canada last month.

Leonard's wake.

The family together decided that we wanted it to be quiet and intimate. Just the four of us. Birgit, Jon-Erik, Carsten (boho boy) and me.

The weather couldn't have been more perfect. The days prior were so hot and humid and when we woke up to a cool, crisp, clear day, I felt the divine timing of it all.

Leonard didn't want a funeral. He wanted a celebration. Nothing depressing, dark or sad. So that is what we gave him. The party the day prior was full of laughter and fun. This particular day was quiet...but magical.

As we were all headed to the dock, the boys picked up their canoe, put it up on their shoulders and walked it over to the water. I walked behind them, getting permission to capture it all with my camera so I can make a photojournal for mom.

Before the boys got in the water, we all gathered on the dock and prepared the ashes in a beautiful ceramic container. Jon-Erik lit a bundle of sage to begin the ceremony.

mom kroon & jon-erik, canon digital rebel xti

Usually there are boats that travel by but this morning it was so quiet and serene. I could hear the soft whisper of the wind and my heart felt warm, full..and at peace. We watched mom pour some of the ashes in the water from the dock. She then held onto the bundle of sage while the boys paddled out into the water.

Her and I sat there in silence watching their strokes. In fluid motion, the brothers went out far enough away so that they were in the middle of the lake.

Carsten slowly poured out the ashes while Jon-Erik paddled. It was quiet. Beautiful. Magical. I felt Leonard with us, dancing around us in the wind. This was his land, his waters, his family and now it will forever be a part of him.

As the boys came back up on the dock, Jon-Erik cracked open a bottle of Leonard's favorite port wine. We toasted to Leonard as father, husband, friend.

Then we all sat gathered together and they told me stories. Wild, funny stories about this amazing man that emulated the character of Indiana Jones.

It filled me with pure, crazy joy to see them laughing so heartily...

a mother & son sandwich

me & the adorable boho boys. jon-erik bought these matching shirts
for them which i thought was so fun...and totally hippy. ; )

What a beautiful ceremony. Something I will cherish deeply. It just made me feel even closer to him, not further away.

I shared this with you not only because it was a life altering experience for me but also to comfort those that have lost loved ones. We can celebrate their life with lightness, joy and creativity. Perhaps having your own special ceremony would bring comfort and closeness as Leonard's wake did for us.

Thursday, August 2


stacie...the schmoopy girl, canon digital rebel xti

Girlfriends are heavenly.

Today I spent some time thinking about mine. Each one of them. I took a long walk on the beach with yummy songs from my iPod flowing into my ears, into my heart and image after image of my girlfriends faces with their laughs, tears, hugs, wisdom poured into my mind. I caught myself smiling after I noticed a passer by giggling at me.

I am blessed with such extraordinary women as my girlfriends. Women that shake the world up in a positive, radical way.

This has been one of the toughest years of my life and with this, I have been gifted with such abundant love and support. I cannot help but be grateful in the midst of it all.

What I've noticed about these girlfriends of mine is that even when I am in the deepest, darkest, ugliest, scariest place...they still see my strength, wisdom and courage. I can forget who I am at times and I am reminded very quickly with just a few gentle words.

I've learned so much about myself on this journey and I've also learned a great deal about friendships and the kind I need to surround myself with, as well as the kind of friend I want to be.

I feel so wrapped in acceptance, understanding and the belief that I can move mountains.

Isn't that what we are all supposed to be for our friends? Their biggest fans helping them to see their best selves? An oasis of gentleness and safe~ness?

Yes. I heart my mountain moving, safe haven girlies.

Wednesday, August 1

prophetic messages*

photo session with twin boys, canon digital rebel xti

I found it interesting and comforting that a few people commented about the photo in my previous post being almost like a prophetic message. That thought didn't even cross my mind. The fact that it didn't tells me that I am in a calmer place about this journey...no longer feeling quite so obsessed. ; ) But I did like the idea of the message and it truly does feel that close.

I have had a few things happen where two babies were predicted. The first was a psychic I spoke to over the phone. The second was a baby forecaster charm where my friend hung a fertility goddess over my wrist and it said I was going to have twins. Then my tarot reader here in town said she saw two babies. I am not sure what this all means. Perhaps we will have one naturally and adopt the other close in age. We do have twins in my family, as well as my husband's side and I don't believe by me mentioning it here that I am jinxing it.

How wild would that be? No expectations. Just one would be divine. Two would be out of this world.

The woman that had these babies in the portrait above struggled for years to conceive. They are miracle babies and to watch their parents cuddle, snuggle and kiss them is very emotional for me. So touching and full of hope.