andrea & ben, canon digital rebel xti
A few gentle souls in my life, including some on the retreat, asked how I felt being around Ben. I know they asked me this because as much as I love babies, want a baby and enjoy being in their presence, the past few years it has brought up a lot of emotions when I am around them.
When I walk by pregnant women and/or parents holding their babies, I tend to feel that longing so deeply and I just have to look away. Otherwise I know I am capable of bursting into tears, depending on my head space that particular day. Sometimes I'll find myself starring at them with tears welling...which is probably a bit disturbing for the parent(s) to notice.
Since Andrea and I have walked this journey to conceive together, I knew she would understand if I needed to take some time away or if I looked overwhelmed or if I burst into tears at any given moment. I knew she would be gentle and get it and that I would be loved through it. As would the other women present on this retreat since they loved and supported Andrea on her journey to Ben.
What ended up transpiring between me and Ben was completely opposite of what I was afraid of. I actually fell madly in love with him and wanted him to be around at all times. Even though my longing was still there and very strong, I actually felt at peace, knowing I will have my own miracle soon. It was just a knowing feeling I did not expect. I usually have a feeling of fear that it would never happen to me when I am around babies. Not with Ben. He was like this beam of light and reassurance for me...gazing into my soul with his big blue eyes gently encouraging me not to give up.
I found myself observing him and Andrea together. Observing him with the other lovelies...
ben & andrea, notice her yummy Joy Superhero necklace, canon digital rebel xti
Jen sipping tea...and making noises with Ben
Swirly was totally Ben's girlfriend during the whole retreat
I was allowed that space to just stare, to watch, to let soak the essence of him in without being worried what the others thought. As I said in my previous post...I was given permission to just be whatever I was in that moment.
And during those moments with Ben...I was hopeful. I remember more than year ago tearful phone calls with Andrea and here she was smiling, kissing and hugging all over her baby boy. It was such a sight to behold. A miracle. This will be me someday. I feel so sure of it.
On our last day together, we all went to Glide in the city. The service was other worldly. Full of acceptance, diversity, open minds and getting your boogie on. Totally how church should be. At one point, towards the end, a woman got up to sing a beautiful, heart~soaked song that had this message:
"When you feel you've done all you can... just STAND."
As she belted these words up to the sky, tears streamed down my face. My heart swelled and I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt warm all over. I was open and receiving this message. Yes Denise...just stand. Such a simple and powerful statement. At times I have felt like I have to do something, anything to control the situation. Lately I have been able to release and just be. This image of standing felt so right. Just standing.
For a while I was in my own little Universe...weeping, closing my eyes, wiping my tears, listening to the God that I know surrounding me through this song. I opened my eyes to see the lovelies sitting by my side looking over at me with tears in their eyes. They wrapped their arms around me, held my hands, cried with me and each said to me..."This is for YOU."
I will never forget this surreal moment. I am crying just writing this. Feeling so supported, loved and grateful for this message. How can I express in words a moment that has changed my life forever?
It's easier just to feel it...