Sunday, March 30

my date with an angel...

thea, canon digital rebel xti

The emotions that well up inside when looking at these photographs of Thea are the very same ones I felt in her presence for three days. Our exchanges were soft, nurturing, breezy, light, romantic, ethereal, moving and inspiring.

I left feeling more centered into my self, grounded and looking forward. We spent most of the time snuggled into our hotel room full of beautiful natural light and white sheets...without a second thought about needing to be out and about, exploring the cute little town we were in. We tapped into what we needed more and that was to relax and spill about our fertility journeys that we've walked together side by side and once we felt more clarity, helped one another to move forward into the other passions in our life.

I was introduced to Thea by the lovely Sarah, who knew we would naturally hit it off and resonate with one another as we both have had a rough road to conception. The pleasant surprise with our coming together was that we had so many other things in common and she is now a soul sister for life.

Her and I both have had some highly emotionally stuff going on within each of our journeys lately, so I think both of us were curious if my visit out there would be consumed with us shaking our fists to the sky and letting out the anger in a safe place. I myself felt a bit concerned that letting my anger out would put me back into a tale spin of grief but I knew I was supposed to be with her. So, we both took that vulnerable risk of knowing we'd be completely transparent with one another. That can be scary when you're in a space of just trying to stay above water.

What ended up happening was so beautiful that my heart swells to spilling over as I write this. Somehow our energy coming together was a constant swing of Yin and Yang. We had our moments of letting the anger out but we discovered so much clarity in our spillings that the anger wasn't so consuming and confusion didn't have a home anymore. It's like we helped one another pull out our most evolved selves. I felt stronger in her presence.

We ended up moving on and being each others life coaches about our creative business journeys, asking one another all those yummy questions;"What are you crazy wild passionate about. Which of all your talents makes you swoon like a giddy girl in love." In moments of business talk, sometimes emotions about our desire for a baby surfaced and we'd let those tears flow...falling into laughter...moving into business talk again. It was a flow that I felt comfortable with. No judgments. No expectations. No trying to fix the problem. Just feeling and dreaming and inspiring and letting go.

I think it was because of this major Zen fest, we were able to pull out these emotions in our photo shoots of one another. We spent an entire day dressing up, putting on make-up we'd never normally wear, while music softly played from the laptop and the ethereal light in our room guided us. Most of the photo shoot was quiet...where she would be laying there and rather than me have to tell her what to do, I would gently brush her forehead with my hand to tell her to relax her face and pull a little curl closer to her mouth. She did the same with me. A few of the photos she took are in my new banner and my new profile pic.

Later we took a drive along a snow covered highway and squealed in delight at how inspired we felt and how much we love our jobs and that it feels so damn good to be living a passion of ours. Aching for a baby is so very primal and huge but we helped one another to remember that there are other beautiful things birthing in our life and when we put our energies there...everything else makes more sense.

So, now I am home and full of ideas for my business that resonate so closely to my heart. My longing for a baby is still present but it doesn't feel consuming. The peaceful thoughts are soothing the not so peaceful ones. I am grateful for the magic that transpired with Thea and am comforted to know she feels the same.

Sunday, March 23

tales of the iguana*

me & my new hat, canon digital rebel xti

I finally purchased a cowgirl hat. This will make Mermie very very happy. I like how the little holes reflect on my skin...like faerie dust.

Some of you may have figured out by my previous post that a few of my angel-friends gathered together unbeknownst to us and surprised us with a romantic getaway at the Emerald Iguana Inn, tucked into this sweet little town.

We had an unexpected fall through with a birth mom that each of us know was all meant to be but still very painful and this was my friends beautiful way of wrapping there arms around us and gifting us with healing.

Our time in Ojai was absolutely divine. I cannot express in words how grateful we both feel. Every night, as we shut off the light in our room to close our eyes, Boho Boy would say..."thank you friends" out loud. I felt they were all there with us...snuggled up in the clawfoot tub that rested beside our bed, clapping and giggling and waving their hands in a happy dance.

I must say it was the clawfoot tub in the room that was the rockstar of the whole trip. We took baths twice a day. The tub was outside of the bathroom and sat underneath a window overlooking the back porch a few feet away from our king size bed. Very private, very functional, totally cool. We now would like to put a tub in our bedroom when we build a house someday. It just feels so vintage and unique.

Down the street from our hotel was a place called Rainbow Bridge, which was the cutest health food store and restaurant. We ate there for most of our meals because the food was just so wholesome and delicious and the menu changed three times a day. It totally catered to our high maintenance gluten free, dairy free, yeast free diets! We were actually considered normal there, where as anywhere else the waiters say "HUH?...umm you basically can't eat anything on the menu, dudes". All the locals dine there, so it was an awesome experience to meet and observe all the granola crunchy peeps in town, which we discovered Ojai is brimming over with boho hippies of all colors and flavors.

Ojai has a small downtown of just a few blocks, all Spanish style decor and architecture...very old world feel. Beyond the downtown are stretches of land with various farms and ranches. Beautiful landscapes, parks, hiking trails. The neighborhoods near town are so quaint and full of character. Some really gorgeous Victorian style homes and mini Spanish villas.

Our favorite moment was discovering an outside bookstore on the corner of a street. The building had bookshelves built into the outside wall that you could see from the street full of old books and when they close up shop for the night, there is a slot in the front door to put money in if you want one of those books on the outside. When you walked inside, there were no walls or ceilings, just partitions and rain covers over each book shelf. There was a bookstore kitty cat called Sheba that gracefully showed everyone around and would let you pet her if you were nice. Most of the books were used. Every corner had a funky old couch or vintage chair. This alone made us want to move there.

We found our favorite bar at a restaurant called Azu where we sat and had passion fruit Mojitos and chatted up the young cutie bartender. It is here that we discovered Portuguese Lemon, Chicken & Mint soup that we tried to recreate last night at home (Schmoopy...you would so dig this recipe). The bartender explained to us what it was like living there. That it was so small that everyone knew every body's business and yet it has a magical, spiritual feel very similar to Sedona, Arizona. I found this to be so true. The nice thing is that Santa Barbara is only 32 miles away for the locals to escape into a totally different type of paradise.

Ojai is East and away from the ocean but it sits below all these mountain ranges. It is covered in gorgeous flowers and blooming trees. Our hotel was a little oasis tucked in the back behind all the neighborhoods. Huge trees circled it and hid it from passers by. It was a series of big and small cottages that resembled hobbit homes. In the middle of all these cottages was a pool and spa with wooden chairs and beds with comfy cushions. We sat here many times reading under an umbrella.

We had a massage once a day for two days in a row. We didn't realize they hooked us up with the best MT in town. She was this tall, gorgeous soft spoken blond. She had an aura around her that permeated our room. She worked on each of us in our room for one hour. When I was with her, I felt completely healed. I found myself tearing up both times. She never asked why. She just did some healing energy work on me after the massage. When it was our last day with her, we ended up sitting and talking with her on our huge bed. She told us about her and her husband being caretakers at this huge ranch down the road and how he does healing work too. He also is a guide for Safari's in Africa. We all hit it off so well that she gave me her card and told me to keep in touch please. I would love to photograph her someday.

So, I am sharing all this because the entire trip felt magical and purposeful. Like the angels in my life guided us to a spiritual place where healing was at every turn. On the drive there and back (3 hours there, four hours on the way back), we listened to a Wayne Dyer CD about there being a "spiritual solution to every problem". Much of it was about the power of our thoughts on our bodies and in our worlds. This left us opening our minds and hearts in different directions than we have been heading lately.

So, I am back and as much as I am feeling refreshed, healed and showered in magic and love...I spent a lot of yesterday letting my tears flow. I know that often happens when coming down from a bit of a high. I had gone to the grocery store to pick stuff up for our soup and every magazine near the checkout stand had photos of film stars pregnant or holding their newborns; Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba...the list goes on. I sat in my car and wept. I think it was because I felt like I was in a bubble for three full days away from the pain and reality of the most recent adoption fall through and the confusion of whether to press on or try to conceive for a few months. I would like to learn to bring the wisdom and magic from this trip into my every day, despite the reminders that float around me that I do not yet hold my child and that not adopting this most recent baby feels like such a huge loss to me. I realize this takes time and I am being gentle with myself.

So, I came home from the tabloid ridden grocery store and cried a bit more in Boho Boy's chest. And guess what he did? He actually made me laugh. Really hard. Acting out a few funny scenes. So many of my fears melted away. Where did I find this man? Oh, that's right...in Canada. ; )

I know that Boho Boy couldn't be in this head space to joke about it unless we went on this trip. And I wouldn't be in the head space to laugh about it unless I went on this trip and this is why we are so grateful.

By the way...I happen to be ovulating during our trip. No joke. So, this is my first month ever doing thyroid meds and progesterone, which is what my newest doctor thinks was the problem all along. So who knows...perhaps if conception occurred, we'll be naming our kid after the inn which would mean their name would be Emerald or Iguana. ; )

We are beginning to rediscover the balance, the happy medium of still trying to conceive, as well as letting go and allowing the birth mom that feels just as right and wonderful as the last one, to come into our life. We have many other blessings to focus on in our life and will put our energies there for now.

In the mean time, I have another healing retreat to attend to. On Tuesday morning I fly out to New York to be with Thea for three full yummy days. We are stealing away in a hotel room to let it all out and hold that comfortable space with one another about our fertility journeys and the most recent happenings. How beautiful it is to have people in our lives that fully resonate with every morsel of what you're feeling. I haven't seen her since Winter of 2006. I miss her gorgeous face. I hope to photograph this stunning friend of mine and report back with some scrumptious shots of our time together.

ps. boho boy and i did not do a music video...sorry. we were WAY too busy playing in that cool bath tub!!! ; )

Friday, March 21

be the change...

swirly girl, canon digital rebel xti

"be the change you wish to see in the world"

~ mahatma gandhi

When you are able to take a moment, press play on the Devi Prayer song on my sidebar and meditate on how you can be the change you wish to see in the world.

Even just the mere thought of it can create change.

Monday, March 17

unbridled joy*

boho boy and me on saint paddy's day a few years ago at our favorite Irish pub

I found this photo today and it warmed my heart. I remember this day clearly. We had arrived at the pub early on Saint Paddy's day and sat up at the bar for HOURS making friends with all the adorable bartenders from Ireland. Carsten and the boys behind the bar made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt. It made me long for those days when we'd indulge in a few drinks on the weekends without worrying if it would make his spermies drunk or give my ovaries a hangover. ; )

We're learning balance again with all of this. Retraining our brains to hush those voices that make everything our fault. Learning how to have joy again and lightness and laughter to the point of holding our stomachs and wiping giggle tears.

I felt unbridled joy this past week when with Swirly and I plan to do so again this week with my Boho Boy. A few of our amazing love-soaked tribe gals gifted us with a romantic getaway because they all instinctively knew we needed to do this. It's one of the most outrageously awesome gifts we've every received and we are going to enjoy every single morsel.

I am so very grateful for the love that has surrounded us throughout this journey. Most of the time I am speechless because I can't seem to find the words to express how humbled and honored I feel to be wrapped up in such unconditional support.

So, my girls have asked for a music video from Boho Boy and I on this trip. Hmmmmm...lets just see how totally relaxed we do get. ; )

Thank you, lovelies...for knowing what we need and surprising us with a trip to get totally blissed out over and to heal our hearts. We love you truly, madly, deeply.

Saturday, March 15

Girl's Rock*

Found this over at my cool friend Meg's blog.

I cried, laughed and felt joy simultaneously. If we have a girl someday...she's so going to this camp.

My favorite quote from this:

"I've been waiting for so long to finally admit to myself that I'm amazing and I really am. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and they get even better when they decide to be powerful and they decide to rock."

It truly is a choice of ours, isn't it?

Thursday, March 13

merry happy girlies*

me & swirly last night...after a few martini's.  ; )

for our homegirlies out there...go here.
we love and miss you.

Tuesday, March 11

groovy muzak*

swirly & me doing an 80's dance to Like a Virgin by Madonna, taken by susannah

I was so inspired and impressed with your unique Christmas song suggestions last year that I am going to consult you groovy peeps on a totally different kind of music.

While walking on the beach yesterday, I realized that most of my playlists on my iPod were pretty mellow and folksy. It sort of slowed down my speed, so I'd love to make a few playlists that bring a kick to my step and make me want to groove, run, throw up my arms and spin around. I have a few songs but not enough because I tend to play more chill music in my studio all day.

I'd love some suggestions for songs that make you want to shake your body rather than sit down and smoke a dube.

I'm off to Swirly's for a few days of healin', lovin' and snugglin'.

Peace to all of you beauties.

Saturday, March 8

a sign*

cafe gratitude in San Francisco, canon digital rebel xti

Last night I was in a space of seeking some clear answers. I gently focused my intentions while pulling a few angel cards. One of them was about signs; that I am about to make a decision and I need to ask my angels for signs. This felt right to me because we are indeed in the processing of making some decisions about adoption and I am craving a clear head space to do this.

Before we went to bed, I made sure I had some time alone. I laid there with candles lit and our faerie lights hanging on our wall were shining. I quietly connected with my guardian angels and asked for signs. Whenever I open up a space to feel their presence, I can feel them so easily. While the days move forward I can easily forget but when I give them time, I never feel alone.

This morning I woke up not feeling my best physically. The last few weeks I have not been eating as consciously as I normally do. I’ve been doing a lot of comfort eating; starches, take-out, not juicing as much or pouring love and devotion into our meals. As a result I feel sluggish, heavy, depressed and not as clean on the inside as I typically do.

I grabbed my tea and went to my computer and received an email from one of our favorite raw food restaurants, Café Gratitude. After reading through it, I felt completely rejuvenated. I took this as a sign from one of my sweet angels that I need to go back to eating more consciously because not only do I feel better but it resonates with how I want to contribute to our environment and to my body. Eating consciously also helps open my mind and heart when going through something difficult and I need clarity to move forward.

I wanted to share their email here on my blog with the hopes that it will do for you, what it did for us this morning. What a cool and inspiring project that these three employees of Cafe Gratitude (Ryland Engelhart, Conor Gaffney and Cary Mosier) are doing...

One day Frank Ferrante, a 54 year old Sicilian from Brooklyn, New York, stumbled into Cafe Gratitude. Little did he realize what was about to happen. After 15 minutes of sitting with Frank, Ryland sensed how deep Frank's sadness ran, and asked Frank the question of the day. "What is one thing you would love to do before you die"? "Well", Frank said, "I would love to fall in love one more time before I die, and with a body like this, I don't think anyone could ever love me."

Ryland said "Frank, give me 42 days of your life, come here, eat this food, take on this view of life and allow the transformation to happen. Frank said YES, the boys bought a camera and began documenting what has now become "May I Be Frank".

Here is a teaser.

Right now the film is in fina stage of production to be entered into the CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, and we're calling on this amazing community to be a beautiful part of the completion of this powerful and transformational film.

We're looking for donations to help us complete this goal! Besides receiving our complete Gratitude for such generosity, everyone who donates will receive honorable mention in the films credits! There is also a private screening that will be scheduled for all those who donate.

Donate here.

Thursday, March 6

Squam Art Workshops*

the breathtaking andrea scher, canon digital rebel xti

For those of you in need of inspiration from some serious rock star creative betties, check out Squam Art Workshops. Registration starts tomorrow and I have a feeling it will fill up quickly. I was blessed to get a taste of the beauty Andrea will be sharing with her class and I am still marinating in the wisdom and inspiration she gifted me with. My dear friend Penelope will be teaching a few delicious classes as well.

What I love about what they're offering is the concept of letting go of rules, playing freely and learning to express your authentic self. We all need to be reminded of these elements when creating and I find it so much easier to do this when surrounded by other like minded spirits seeking the same.

What a cool opportunity to circle and create.

Tuesday, March 4

zen out and slow down*

me on the beach, photo by
boho boy

This morning I woke up and felt as though four walls were closing in on me. Every cell of my body was aching to be out in fresh air. I took a moment to reflect on how many times I've actually been outside this past month, aside from the usual errands of the week. Not very many. I've been nesting and craving solitude but I am not sure why I have felt I could only find this within the four walls of my home. Most of my life I have been a forest nymph or ocean faerie...craving the energy, dance and playfulness that nature provides. Being out in nature was a part of my being. A way to breathe life into my soul. A place to hear the voices of God and Mother Earth and my angels.

I have somehow managed, throughout the last few years, to neglect this part of me. I've been to the beach a handful of times and to the forest only during our annual camping trip in the redwoods. I've been starving for the nourishment nature brings me and my poor body is aching for adventures of the earthy kind.

Today, I took a long walk on the beach. I walked back and forth and back again along the shore. I found a tall cliff in the middle that I could climb. Digging my hands and feet into the stone I reached the top and then found a comfy spot to sit on at the edge. I hugged my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I felt the sweet sprays of water as the waves crashed up under me. I took a deep breath and listened. Just listened. My mind has been so very tired and noisy. I have felt disconnected to my soul and centeredness. For a while now I have been unable to hear the voices that sooth, reassure and guide me on my journeys. So I listened. A hush came spilling over me on that cliff. The warm sun enveloped me, wrapping its gentle arms around my skin for what felt like hours. I rocked back and forth and began to hum a song. A lullaby...for the little one that wants to come into our life and that we long to hold in our arms. A lullaby for my heart and all that surrounded me.

I asked what I should do now that this journey has taken a turn and I heard the voice of a little child and it said..."slow down". Tears came spilling. What a wise soul this voice was. It could have been the voice of my inner child, or of God or an angel but so much of me believed it was the voice of our child. A child whose spirit already knows our hearts. Regardless where it came from, it was speaking my truth. I've been running, haven't I? From one doctor to the next, from one cure to another cure from one path to the other...running...running and not stopping long enough to check in with my heart...with our hearts.

I kept hearing this over and over with each wave that curled towards me..."take care of you first and i'll come when i'm ready."

I sat for another hour or so to meditate on what that means for me. What I need to hold onto and what I need to let go of in my life right right now in order to slow down and stay centered.

I had a good talk with my husband tonight about taking a mini-sabbatical, so to speak. I've been so tired and weary and longing for more life energy within me. I typically would feel a bit guilty for needing this because I am used to a full creative plate in front of me. But this decision feels so absolutely harmonious with my body and mind. The thought of it is helping me to breathe easier and clouds are clearing the way for more clarity. I am blessed that working from home allows me to do this and I do not take this for granted.

So I am doing this without guilt or shame. I am celebrating it with all that I am and embracing the awareness that I am by no means giving up but just standing still for small while.

I need a break from heartache for a bit. I need a break from the noise and the confusion. I need to totally zen out and slow down.

Sunday, March 2

perfect moment*

our solace (featuring Elvis...the kitty cat), canon digital rebel xti

As the sun peeked its way into our bedroom early this morning, Boho Boy snuggled me tight. He reached his arm up to open up the window. The cool breeze danced around our skin and hair while the birds sang their morning melodies. He whispered..."perfect moment" in my ear. I exhaled deeply, allowing each touch of nature to permeate my being.

It's been an emotional few days...and this moment made me realize it feels good to marinate in the quietness of the soul. When you don't feel you need to be anyone or anywhere but in that precious moment.

My mind has been cluttered with what I could have done different or how I would like the next time around to go or if I should be more open or if I should be more closed or the many why's and the what if's and the guilty guilts for not being perfect with everyone and everything. My sweet husband suggested that I hug those thoughts and not judge them and as I did this in my mind, I felt them drift.

It wasn't until that sweet moment this morning that I realized how busy and weighted my mind has been. So today I am going to welcome quietness into my heart and my soul and nurture the trust and faith that has been there all along.

I need each of you to know how much it meant that you took time out of your day to leave me a comment in my previous post. We so appreciated the love, nurturing, poetry, lyrics, stories, lit candles, prayers, affirmations (as well as sweet packages in our mail this week). Through the tough hours I read them over and over and your love lifted me higher. We are spilling over with gratefulness and cherishing every drop.