zen out and slow down*

me on the beach, photo by boho boy

This morning I woke up and felt as though four walls were closing in on me. Every cell of my body was aching to be out in fresh air. I took a moment to reflect on how many times I've actually been outside this past month, aside from the usual errands of the week. Not very many. I've been nesting and craving solitude but I am not sure why I have felt I could only find this within the four walls of my home. Most of my life I have been a forest nymph or ocean faerie...craving the energy, dance and playfulness that nature provides. Being out in nature was a part of my being. A way to breathe life into my soul. A place to hear the voices of God and Mother Earth and my angels.

I have somehow managed, throughout the last few years, to neglect this part of me. I've been to the beach a handful of times and to the forest only during our annual camping trip in the redwoods. I've been starving for the nourishment nature brings me and my poor body is aching for adventures of the earthy kind.

Today, I took a long walk on the beach. I walked back and forth and back again along the shore. I found a tall cliff in the middle that I could climb. Digging my hands and feet into the stone I reached the top and then found a comfy spot to sit on at the edge. I hugged my knees to my chest and closed my eyes. I felt the sweet sprays of water as the waves crashed up under me. I took a deep breath and listened. Just listened. My mind has been so very tired and noisy. I have felt disconnected to my soul and centeredness. For a while now I have been unable to hear the voices that sooth, reassure and guide me on my journeys. So I listened. A hush came spilling over me on that cliff. The warm sun enveloped me, wrapping its gentle arms around my skin for what felt like hours. I rocked back and forth and began to hum a song. A lullaby...for the little one that wants to come into our life and that we long to hold in our arms. A lullaby for my heart and all that surrounded me.

I asked what I should do now that this journey has taken a turn and I heard the voice of a little child and it said..."slow down". Tears came spilling. What a wise soul this voice was. It could have been the voice of my inner child, or of God or an angel but so much of me believed it was the voice of our child. A child whose spirit already knows our hearts. Regardless where it came from, it was speaking my truth. I've been running, haven't I? From one doctor to the next, from one cure to another cure from one path to the other...running...running and not stopping long enough to check in with my heart...with our hearts.

I kept hearing this over and over with each wave that curled towards me..."take care of you first and i'll come when i'm ready."

I sat for another hour or so to meditate on what that means for me. What I need to hold onto and what I need to let go of in my life right right now in order to slow down and stay centered.

I had a good talk with my husband tonight about taking a mini-sabbatical, so to speak. I've been so tired and weary and longing for more life energy within me. I typically would feel a bit guilty for needing this because I am used to a full creative plate in front of me. But this decision feels so absolutely harmonious with my body and mind. The thought of it is helping me to breathe easier and clouds are clearing the way for more clarity. I am blessed that working from home allows me to do this and I do not take this for granted.

So I am doing this without guilt or shame. I am celebrating it with all that I am and embracing the awareness that I am by no means giving up but just standing still for small while.

I need a break from heartache for a bit. I need a break from the noise and the confusion. I need to totally zen out and slow down.