choosing your family*
charlie & logan, canon digital rebel xti
One of the cutest things about this picture that you can't really see clearly is the twin on the left has a blue electric guitar on his shirt and the one on the right has a yellow acoustic guitar. This means one is "a little bit country and the other is a little bit rock and roll". So cute. The parents found the twin tees at Twinkle Kids.
I feel like I need to put it out there that I am struggling with something today. I had a conversation with someone yesterday and the idea of adoption came up. I was sharing that Boho Boy and I have come to a place where we are feeling more at peace about this journey because we know we will be parents no matter what the circumstances. I say this because as much as we will always try for a biological child, we are very open to the idea of adoption. Even if we do have our first baby naturally, we have talked very seriously about adopting our second child. After my surgery in September, we feel as though we will be starting over on the path to getting pregnant but with this new excitement, we are keeping our options open.
The person I shared this with has no idea what it is like to be me, as getting pregnant was as easy as drinking a glass of water to her. I took that into consideration when I heard them go on about how there is nothing like being pregnant and having your own child and that if we adopted, we wouldn't feel the same closeness. Basically encouraging me to not give up trying to conceive.
Those words shot through me like a knife in the chest. Does this person realize I may not have a choice? Most importantly, I don't agree. I have known intimately or met several people who were adopted or have adopted and I recall one woman saying that she completely forgot she was not pregnant with her adopted child.
Even though I have yet to adopt, I see it as a different experience but all the more lovely and close and beautiful. When you actually choose a child to be in your family, that is on a whole different level of love. It's just so special.
The reason I am putting it out here is not for you to get angry at the person who said this to me and put any negative thoughts here in your comments about them (please). I'd love for you to share your adoption stories so that I can embrace them with hopes that it will sooth this pain I have in my heart.
I know people that have never gone through this can be very naive and not realize that what they say can be so painful. This person is not mean spirited but just has never had any life experiences with anyone adopted or who has adopted.
I did have my moments of being angry last night but I am passed that and just need some comfort. I don't want to put any more energy into that and today I want to grow from this, not fester.
I was a bit hesitant to share this because I was concerned that if any of you are adopted or have adopted, that what this person said to me may be really offensive for the same reasons it was for me. My intention is not to bring up any negative emotions but for you to dive deep into your story and share the absolute wild beauty of it. That is what I need and the world needs to hear.
What are your stories? Tell me some beautiful things...
posted by boho girl at 9.8.07
62 Comments:
my mother's younger sister and her husband tried for the first 12 years of their marriage to conceive, but for no explicable reason were unable to. they had undergone test after test after test over the years, and no problem was ever found with either one of them. finally, they decided to adopt. over the next two years, they adopted a boy and a girl--my beautiful beloved cousins. One year after adopting their second child, my aunt miraculously became pregnant (they had long since stopped trying to conceive) and gave birth to a magical little girl. a few years after that (aunt and uncle were both well into their 40s), she became pregnant again, this time with a boy. after a mysterious 15 year dryspell, they were suddenly ultra fertile!
i don't have a story to tell.
i just wanted to send hugs your way.
you are a brave soul.
i remember the comments and the immediate hurt. but then what gave me comfort was realizing that because of what i was going through i would them have compassion and empathy for those going through the same struggles with fertility and miscarriage. i have been able to help and be a listening ear for many friends and strangers since then. i love how you approached this. have a beautiful day.
xx
jill
Great shot of the twins! And I have heard many stories of couples that adopt who couldn't conceive but did conceive shortly after the adoption is final. Best of luck!!!
one of my best friends in the world adopted about 6 months after i gave birth. when she brought the baby home, we were there, decorating their apartment. *all* the emotions were the same. the fear, the elation, the pride, the exhaustion.
when you hold your baby - they're *your* baby!
We haven't reached the topic of adoption yet, but when we do I hope to be as strong and brave as you are.
A high school friend of mine was adopted. Growing up, her mom and dad always told her "We wanted to be your parents so badly that we came and found you." This always made her feel so special and loved (and she was!).
You will be marvelous parents however you come about having a child. And I admire how you spun this into a positive blog, seeking stories of hope.
My 15 year old brother is adopted, he came to us via a foster care program and the second we saw him (he was 2 and African american) we fell in love. My sisters and I were adults by the time he came into our family, yet there is nothing in this world that makes him any less our brother. As a child around 5 years old, he had been in our family 3 years. I had taken him to the park, while there another kid asked him why if I was his sister, he was black and I was not, he looked at me, and then said our hearts are the same color, she loves me, she's my sister. no matter how this baby comes into your life, he is your baby, to be loved forever. ok I'm done, it's a shorten version of an incredible long story but I hope the love is there.
It takes great courage to not let words that hurt fester, I'm sorry you had to hear them.
I would adopt in a red-hot second if my husband was open to another child in our lives (I'd call her Violet) but my husband is Mr. one and done and I respect that. I couldn't have another child again (physical issues, feh) even if I wanted to and thankfully people have stopped asking when #2 is coming because even though I know, it still hurts...I'd rather have a cut with rusty scissors you know?
I think it's a gift to be able to bring a child home that's already here on this earth. There's something so magical about choosing your baby and knowing you're providing him/her with more than they started with. xoxo
My daughter is three months old. We were there the day she was born and left the hospital with her. And she is adopted. It's not a secret she's adopted, but we talk about it about the same way as her dark hair. To us, it was about having a family. We tried for two years to get pregnant, but I grew frustrated with getting my blood drawn and talking to doctors and others about it. And financially, these seemed to be a better choice for us when my doctor said he wanted to try in-vetro. Maybe one day we'll get pregnant, but I'm fine either way because I know there is more than one way to have a family. I'd adopt again without hesitation. And, honestly, when I tell people about our infertility journey (and that is definitely the right word!) and then our decision to adopt, they ask if letting go of pregnancy hopes was hard. And while it was in one sense, deciding to open our lives to a baby who needed us was the easiest decision of the whole journey. We were blessed to get in touch with a birth mother privately, and she was already half way through her pregnancy when we decided to pursue this. So it was quick for us, but I would recommend adoption with my whole heart. There's plenty of pictures and stories on my blog, if you want to know (or see!) more.
i don't have a story to share.
but adoption is something my husband and i are interested in doing, regardless of whether we can conceive or not.
for us, bringing a child into our family means that we will have a new little person to shower with love and attention. whether that child comes from my body or from an orphanage in another country, it will be loved.
from what i know of you through your posts, you and boho boy are brimming with love and any child that you have (from you or another place) will know that they are special and blessed.
your journey is in my prayers and i will ask God to continually grant you peace as you consider your future.
jill :)
You speak from a well of compassion that demonstrates a deep, mothering soul.
I am a biological mom, but the waves of compassion that I went through during that early journey made me understand, in the very pit of my soul, the desperate need for every child on earth child to have a mother (or father) to come when they cry, to help when they are cold or hungry, and to care what kind of person they grow up to be.
It was at this moment I considered adoption to be one of the holiest acts on earth. Of course those who can should sweep up innocent, lonely children into their arms.
With tears in my eyes I once related this to a girlfriend--another deep, mothering soul-- who was having problems conceiving and she later told me it was that conversation that helped change her mind on adoption. She now has two adopted children and is living her destiny. So, not all biological moms don't "get" it.
There are children who desperately need what you have to give. It is the act of giving to a helpless child that completes the mother-child union, not how it was begat.
Best of luck with your journey.
I unfortunately don't know anyone who has/is adopted intimately... but I do believe that while pregnancy and birth are magical, they are but the smallest fraction of parenting and life with a child or children, life as a family. I have bonded so closely with friends' children that I would take on responsibility for them -- for their lives -- in a heartbeat if needed. And I wasn't even the parent in those cases. Being a parent is what happens AFTER baby is born, or baby or child arrives... in my opinion.
Incidentally, I am almost 38 and have always wanted to be a mother. It is the one thing that brings about a resounding "YES" in my soul. I don't have fertility problems, but I have other problems that prevent it right now (and given my age, maybe ever). I don't think the pain is the same, but I think it is just as intense. You really aren't alone.
Choosing one's family is a beautiful thing, both at the beginning of life and as life goes on. I feel like the luckiest person alive for some of my "chosen family members"... aka dear, dear friends.
I simply must delurk...
My younger sister was adopted and our connection, her connection to our mom and dad, etc., is no less significant or meaningful.
People make choices...those who choose to see it as a "second" or "lesser" option will treat as such. Those who embrace the child as one meant for their family will have a very different experience.
Perspective is the key. A child, born from your womb or one born in your heart...is a blessing.
While I am blessedly the mom of three wonderful boys, my husband and I also have a huge heart for adoption. I hope that someday we are able to *grow* our family that way!!! And I agree with what has been said earlier---that pregnancy and birth, while wonderful and miraculous experiences, are only a small fraction of the family identity and life. Adoption stories are just as wonderful and just as miraculous!!! What a priveledge to be a mother!
My two sisters in law are in the midst of fertility struggles and I often wonder if they resent me---the one who hopes to adopt, yet able to conceive three biological children?
in my opinion, adoption is one of the truest forms of love...when adopting a child you are giving that child a second chance. i cannot think of many more things that are as selfless. i have a dear friend of over 17 years; she was adopted from el salvador when she was 3 months old from an orphanage in very poor conditions. her mother says to this day that she would've been dead if they had not adopted her when they did. my friend is beautiful, inside and out. she has always said that her adoptive mother is her only mother in her mind. adoption is a beautiful thing and so are you. good for you for letting it go. with the spirit you seem to have, i dont see how you could go wrong with whatever manifests itself in your life.
"A child, born from your womb or one born in your heart...is a blessing" .... oh what a beautiful way of looking at it! Just lovely.
Beautiful BoHo Girl ... I believe that people give advice based on their own beliefs, struggles and experiences. You and your hubby are on a unique journey that can only be understood by the two of you, truly. Her advice was about her journey, not yours.
On a universal level, perhaps your friend's advice was meant more to help you clarify your feelings on adoption and help you better understand what it means to you than to hurt you. One of those gifts in disguise.
You will be a wonderful mother, no matter how you chose to do so. And any child who is fortunate enough to be loved by you will be forever blessed and endlessly fortunate for having been so.
Thus I delurk.
My brother is adopted. It was never a secret (it never could have been--he's native central american and we're white as white can be), but it never mattered much. He's as much my brother as anyone else could be, and as much my parents' son as I am their daughter.
My mom had a poem that hung in his room; I don't remember all of it but it starts like this:
"Not flesh of my flesh/ Nor bone of my bone/ But still, miraculously,/ my own."
Though this story is not one of adoption it is one that I wish, hoped, and prayed had been:
Two boys, mother left to find her life, father was a drug-addicted abuser, yet I could not convince anyone to give me custody. I raised them as closely as I could along with my daughter, driving to pick them up, calling police when I could not get them, if only I could have adopted them... but they are lost to me now...
You have a big heart, a special heart and should you adopt they will be YOUR children, YOU will be THEIR MOTHER, your husband THEIR FATHER.
Those two boys wished for nothing more than someone to hold them and care for them, their eyes lit up when I called, when I showed up to their school plays & conferences...
Love is the gift adoption blesses everybody with.
Having had a child biologically
my experience has been that it has
made all children mine and my love
includes all children. The world
became even more personal to me
as I raise a child -
and love is not biological -
it has no limits - no boundries...
you have a great loving heart and
you are so 'universal' in your connection to the world - and in the big picture I know you
know this - and your child will come
to you - from love.
I'm de-lurking here, also.
I am also adopted...as an infant through an adoption agency.
I am also angry at the ignorant twit who made that horrible comment. I know that that is not your intent, but she is absolutely wrong.
The people who adopted me are my mom and dad, period. The birth announcements they sent out for me said, "I wasn't expected, I was selected!", and they always made me feel like nothing other than their very own child/the soul that was born to be with them. I do actually forget that I am adopted sometimes, and only remember when a doctor needs medical history.
I am now 40 years old and have 3 biological children...and yes, getting pregnant to me is about as easy as drinking a glass of water, too. But I feel the same way about my children as I do my mom and dad...they are all mine no matter what. I know my mom feels the same way about me as I do my kids. AND, my husband and I are also considering adopting a child, to add to our family...probably a little girl from China. And I know that she will be just as much my own as anyone else is in my family.
I truly believe there is way more going on in the universe than anyone will ever know, and I believe you are on the path you are for one reason or another. There is a soul out there somewhere that will be your child and it will come to you somehow when it is time. And if you want to be a parent, it won't make one bit of difference at all!
Hi I am usally a lurker...But I had to tell you something that you already know...any child, where ever they come from would be so blessed to have such loving parents. Along the same lines, you both will learn so much from your child when s/he get here.
~Shirani
hi, also usually a lurker but have felt drawn to post today. i have been following your journey for a while now, led here by the superhero journal originally. my youngest brother is adopted as well as many extended family members (both domestically and internationally). choosing to create your family through adoption can be a wonderful path to go down. there are challenges to be sure- but biological children pose many of the same challenges (and others at times). it warms my heart to see this conversation beginning on your blog~ and whether or not it's the right path for you, only time will tell. a fabulous new book that touches on so much more than just China adoption is China Ghosts- I enourage anyone who is considering adoption to check it out.
Firstly, I found out on saturday that I am pregnant so I wanted to tell you that I am sending you postive fertile vibes your way! I know its common for friends to go through this together and I so hope thats true as I very much consider you a friend!
Secondly, As a child who was adopted at the age of 8, I remember my relationship with my Dad feeling as natural and pure as what I have with my birthmother. Even at that age I knew that my adoption was a big deal, and that I was very special to have a Dad who loved me so much to want to take on all the rights as a parent and nuturer.
At my hearing, I remember the Judge asking me if this was what I wanted...after I answered ernestly he simply said "You are now the Child's legal father and more importantly you are bonded as if by blood those words resounded with such intensity it was as if something Holy took over this man and the whole courtroom!
I believe when you make such commitments they do go farther then most people on the outside believe and the parental bond is just as raw, and real, and otherworldly!
And as I have said before I feel in my heart whether you walk the path of adoption, baring a birth child, or both, you 2 will surely be extraordinary parents and your children will be Blessed!
XoXo,
Kristin (and Baby)
hello!
i am so drawn in by your blog. articulate, insightful, amazing and beautiful ... well, i could reel off a few more adjectives ... thank you for sharing, this touches me greatly.
i, too have an infertility journey, but that is for another day and time. that journey, though, made us consider how we wanted to raise our children, what we wanted for them. as a mom of some 7 plus years, that translates into the understanding that having a child is about making an attachment and keeping that connection alive ... that in order to parent or partner, we need to feel connected to the other person. that is not something which is inherent, not something which you are somehow gifted by having a child biologically. it is the "work" of being a parent, however you become one.
and happily, i have an adopted niece and nephew - and as i write that it feels absurd. they are not "the adopted ones" but two of the 9 delightful people who made me an aunt and great aunt - (and hey, i'm not 40 yet ;))
they're all now adults, living their lives! the the journey of parenting has been equally simple and complex for each of my siblings.
I know a couple who adopted a child after the realization that they could not bare children. Once they came to the decision to adopt they were open to any child, any race or age and yet they ended up being blessed with a little boy who looks a lot like them! They adopted him as a newborn and he is now 7 years old and has taken on the mannerisms of his dad. When I saw him last I smiled and told his mom how much he has grown into a reflection of his (adopted) dad. Together we marvelled at the power of family and how these things happen. To them he is simply their son - adoption is not something they view as "less than" or seen as an awkward substitution to biological childbirth - it is simply the vehicle in which their blessing arrived.
Be blessed!
A quote I have always liked about adopted children is: "you were not born under my heart, but IN it"
My husband was a physician, and had a couple that couldn't concieve even though they both were tested and every test given showed they were both fine. He told them he thought they might be trying too hard...they finally adopted, and, a month after they adopted, they gave birth to twins! Three children under the age of one year! Don't give up...you have a beautiful spirit...I feel good things will happen for you and your husband!
I love you baby
there have been so many beautiful stories here.
You are a great momma just waiting for the happy joyous baby boho to arrive-I have no doubts that it will matter none how it happens because it will be perfect just as it is.
Truly-deep down in your gut-heart and soul-perfect.
Love you sweet thing
XOXOXOX
toe to toe
here's the thing, denise. i have already forgotten the pregnancy. i have already stepped past it because once your baby is in your arms, however he or she or they get there, well, i think you just are not pregnant anymore. you are a mom making a choice to love your child, every day, every moment. they seem like foreign little beings at first and you have to get to know them. i guess what i am saying is your baby is yours, and however you receive this gift, well, you make the choice to parent them. i had a less than ideal delivery and there was very little of the glowing bonding birth story in the experience...but once i met my babies, they became ours. stay true in your desire and love for your child-to-be...a woman like you will be a beautiful mother to a beautiful child.
I work with children in foster care who hope to be adopted one day. Each one if a gift. And when adopted they know that they may not have grown in the tummy's of their mother but they grew in their adoptive parent's hearts!
My pastor was an adopted child who once asked his mother if she felt differently about him than about her biological children. She told him he was very special because she CHOSE him to be her child. He also would get very emotional about the many verses in Bible that talk about us being "adopted into the family of God." In a sense, he said, we Christians are all adopted and God's love for us is more immense than we can imagine. He liked to point out that adoption is biblical. :)
I read a blog at www.literarygirl.com where the author has one biological child and one adopted (who is African-American) and she's done some interesting posts on adoption, including the amazingly insensitive and/or rude things people have said to her, or within earshot. Like you mentioned, she has also said that sometimes she forgets she didn't give birth to her adopted child, or she looks at him and starts thinking, "he got this feature from his dad, and that one from me...." She doesn't see his skin color, she just sees her son who she loves.
It's true that carrying a baby is special and miraculous, but I would never say anyone's life would be *less* for not having experienced it. Family is defined by love more than blood, in my opinion.
I don't have children, either adopted or self-birthed, so I'm just thinking of the children in my life - kids I babysat for, cousins' children, the little kids at the day camp where I worked - and how much I love them, and will always remember them, and feel calm and happy when I think about them.
I think there's something in us that responds to that need and innocence in them, and however they end up in your arms, you have the capacity to love them and be the mother they need (and they the child YOU need). Good luck on any and all paths you trod, Boho Girl.
Wow
Thank you for being the catalyst for these touching, inspiring words
And I suppose a thank you to your less than sensitive friend is in order for words that may have been unkind but led to stories of uncomprising beauty
Due to health concerns, pregnancy may not be in the cards for me. But I truly believe that there are women who are mothers before they have children, and that these women have boundless love to share with the children of our world.
However they come into their lives.
You are so much a mother already, and not just any mother but a glorious angel of a mother
Your child will be so blessed to enter your family whatever path he or she takes to get there
Denise,
We discussed adoption via email a year or so ago so I'm sure there is nothing new I could tell you. My stomach turned when I read this and I still feel a little sick after reading it. I understand that she didn't mean what she said to be offensive, but really, when it comes to adoptiona nd the comments I hear regularly I can't help but think people ought to be a lot more sensitive to the subject.
I could not love my son any more had he come out of my body. I am blessed to have two children, one biological and one adopted, and I can speak from experience having both that there is no difference in how you love them. I believe God places children into specific families whether it be biologically or through adoption, and I believe these two children were meant to be mine.
You can talk to me anytime about my experience.
Blessings.
Ya know...I read your blog quite frequently, I am Lianne's daughter...and I really appreciated your post. I know someone who has adopted 3 children because of infertility, and it doesn't make those children any less hers than a woman who had children out of her own womb. It is interesting the challenges we go threw in our lives, and you are a strong soul to have such a beautiful outlook of forgiveness. There are children who deserve parents, and parents who deserve children. We come to this life in a family, but we also have a "chosen" family. And you love that chosen family equally as much as your birth family. It doesn't make a difference. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I wanted to try and get my thoughts out into a comment! Good luck in with the creation of your family! And I adore your photography!
If I may, I'd like to *ditto* acumamakiki. I think my husband is done with two, that being the only difference ;)
When a friend of mine was growing up, her parents would often tell her favorite bedtime story.
It was about a couple who wanted and wished for a child so much for so long.
Finally, one day, they were told about a baby girl who needed parents and they went to meet her.
The first time they saw the baby girl, their hearts were filled with love. They knew, just knew, that she was their daughter.
They described the joy the parents felt when they brought the baby home for the first time, how their family finally felt complete, and how they give thanks every day that God gave them their daughter.
(This was her own story, of course!)
Hello,
As I get older, and I'm now 36, I realise that life isn't ever black and white.
Whilst not ever discounting the incredible bond of biological parents and their children, this is not by definition a right. In other words, there are parents who do and say the most horrific things to their own biological children.
And then I hear of the enormous amount of love, kindness and respect shown to those children who have been adopted.
Why?
I now think that it is much, much more than blood that ties people together.
In my own experience, my step father has shown me more love, respect and honour for who I am than my biological father ever did.
He came into our lives when I was in my early twenties, and helped me see that there are good guys out there.
After my mother died two years ago, some family friends naturally assumed that we wouldn't want to know my step father anymore, as we wouldn't have any reason to.
That was absolutely non-negotiable.
In the 13 years we've known him, he is definitely a close member of our family.
We speak, and laugh and share on an almost daily basis. I know that he is there for us, as we are there for him.
That is family.
Hello,
I just came across your blog a few days ago and was immediately touched by the way you see the world through words and pictures. When reading this post, I had to think of a collegue of my mum. She and her husband decided to invite a child into their life and be foster parents to a boy who was maybe 10 years old at that time. They all grew very close, but a few years later something terrible happened. The foster father, who had been suffering from diabetes all his life and was constantly in pain now, killed himself. The mother and the boy were terribly afraid they might be seperated as the family might not be seen as the right place for the child anymore, but gladly, they could stay together and grew even closer. The boy is about to finish high school soon and both are so happy to have found each other.
Even in this case, were the child didn't come to the family as a baby or a toddler, it's an unbreakable bond of love.
My best Greetings from Germany,
Johanna
I think adoptive children find who are supposed to be their parents. I have two coworkers who both adopted and their kids uncannily LOOK like them. to the point that you would never guess they were adopted. Ya know the idea that our children are in the ether, waiting for the right time and place to come to their parents? Who says that's always through natural birth..ya know?
I have always said that if I ever decide to have children (that's a BIG IF), I am completely open to not trying natural conception at all and adopting. There are so many children out there to love...
much love and grace to you on your journey-
bluegreendragonfly (aka omgirly)
i loved reading all of the adoption stories and so many are so familiar...my experiences have been varied, but i've rarely known a person was adopted until i've been told (even different colors as my pale friend's biological biracial daughter is a very lovely brown and my own bio daughter has been mistaken for my brown friend's daughter, while blondes (!) are assumed to be mine!)-- families just end up belonging together somehow...that being said, my partner's children were all adopted from the state foster system when they were all 5 or 6 years old (not all at once, but close!)...they drive me nuts just like he does (all boys, three mini-me's of marty)...and when they told my nieces they were adopted, my nieces were surprised as it never occurred to them...cuz y'know, somehow souls find the families they're meant to belong with...incidently, i've hesitated about mentioning adoption to you before but i am so excited if you go for it! xo
I knew these two people in high school. Although we weren't "hang out" kinda friends, I knew them pretty well. They were 2 years apart. I always thought they looked alike, and particularly the girl looked like her mother. Imagine my surprise when I found out last year (18 years after first meeting them), that they are adopted. Separately. None of them share blood. :) So cool.
When I worked for a Naturopathic Doctor in Portland, OR, she had adopted a little girl from India. Now, she surely didn't look like her mom. Italian vs Indian? But she ACTED just like her. Right down to the hand motions while she was "playing" on the phone. It was the coolest thing. This was before I found out it wasn't going to be easy for me to have children. And even though I can remember wanting to adopt someone "different" when I was little, I decided that day, watching that precious little girl immitate her mommy that I would adopt someday.
I'm over 2 years trying for my own. I still want to adopt. Right now, life just isn't playing along, but it will. One day. And that baby will be just like her moma, or just like his daddy.
I know from being allowed by my sister to practically be mommy #2 for her children, that coming out of your tummy means nothing when it comes to unconditional love.
Maybe the experience of being pregnant is a great and wonderful thing. But it has nothing to do with being a mom.
I am a 38 year old adoptee and couldn't have asked for anything more. My mom always tells me about how I was "chosen" and how much they anticipated my arrival. I also had the opportunity to meet my birth mother when I turned 30. A year later she came out here and all my parents met! Wow, what an awesome experience.... sounds a little daunting because who knows?!?! But the reality was just a beautiful moment. My birth mother turned to my mother and father and said, "This is exactly how I always hoped it would be. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to do what I wasn't able to do." I still cry just thinking of her voice saying those words (as I am now). You see, it's not that we were ever well off but it was the love of two people wanting a family to love. By the way, my parents were able to conceive. They just knew they also wanted to adopt a child that needed the love that they had to give. Either way, you (two) sound just like my parents when they talk lovingly about making the choice to become the parents to a child that needs those people capable of changing their life into the life it can be. Best wishes on all fronts! Rochelle
I'm really sorry that people sometimes don't think about how what they are saying can impact someone!!! It takes a certain amount of consideration to be...I don't know....tactful?? Anyway, I'm just sorry that it was hurtful for you and I support you no matter what! you'll be amazing parents the same as if you carried or adopted!!! it's obvious how full of love you two are and how much love you will shower upon a little soul!!!
as far as stories, I do know someone who tried for ssssooooo long to concieve and all this other tests and stuff, and finally, they gave up the struggle and adopted and they just are happy as a little family of clams!!! they don't tell anyone the baby is adopted, and no one would ever realize anyway, all that matters is love. Giving love, growing a little soul. and you will.
best wishes to you bothxooxxo
One of my close friends went through the fertility tests and everything before she & her husband had a long talk and chose to look into adoption. The decision for them was easy. Bringing a child into the family, be it via pregnancy or adoption, was bringing a child into the family. Their son is amazing and they have never regretted their decision. I wish you continued peace and clarity on your journey and have no doubt that the exact thing you need will come to you.
Denise,
I dont have a story to share, just a well wish for your weekend. Been a rough week on this end dealing with the IF stuff.....positive thoughts of you helped get us through! Im wishing you lovely sweetness for your weekend!
Becca
i have been moved to tears by your stories. read them over and over again.
i cannot express enough how grateful i am for each of you putting your story out there.
your stories have definitely solidified my desire to adopt in the future. i think it will be such a wildly amazing way to grow together as a family.
i am sure when the time comes, i will be getting in touch with some of you for some wisdom and encouragement.
my surgery to remove my endometriosis is early September. we will try to conceive for about a year and then look into adoption. if we do conceive, we will adopt our second child.
i hope you continue to share your stories on this post. even when i write new ones. i can feel the rippling of love in the Universe and others need to hear these stories too.
love to you all,
denise
Dear boho, I am not adopted and I got pregnent really easily (I have been kind of careless before but it never happend then). My son is now 6 months old and i think he is my son because I live with him on a daily-basis and I get to know him better and better, love him more and more. Thats what makes him "my son" for me. Yeah he was in my belly and pregnancy is an interesting experience, but he was not that real before I hold him in my arms. I think the real realationship started then. And he would be as much my son and I would love him just as much if he was adopted, because he is he. I believe that the spirit of your baby will find you eighter way and I am sure he or she is going to be one lucky kid having such parents. I donT think preagnancy is the think, but comitting and loving a child, caring for him or or every day and night makes it "yours".
ADOPT......my girlfriend and her husband have two biological daughters. After the youngest was 13 they adopted a daughter from China.....2 years later another daughter from China.....2 years after that a daughter from South Africa.....talk about a house full of fun and adventure. AND on top of all that.....SHE home schools until they reach middle school !!!!!
As someone who has just given birth, I want to say that I don't think, so much, that the fact that I carried/gave birth to my son is so very important. (Though I am obviously VERY grateful that I was able to do so, and also to have such a pregnancy where I felt really GOOD the majority of the time.) While I was pregnant, I always felt a sort of holy separateness - that he was his own person, and I had no way of knowing him until he came out and got to know him. I feel very much that he is not "ours" but God's child, God's creation. So, all that to say, I totally agree with you - I don't think that you will feel any LESS connected to your adopted child. You will be filled with wonder that s/he came your way, and found you - the ultimate joy.
I have an adoption story from a different view. (And I'm aware you may be able to trace me through my ISP address but would beg you not to reveal my identify as I've never disclosed this on the internet before.)
I was raped as a teenager and it resulted in a pregnancy. I chose to have the baby and place it for adoption. It was, as you can imagine, a difficult, emotional decision. My parents were also giving up their first grandchild. Under the circumstances and because of my age, it was the right choice for me.
Things came full circle when my brother and sister adopted my beautiful niece. She's now ten years old and I can assure your friend she is loved as deeply as a biological child. I met the birth mother and was able to give her comfort since I had been in her shoes. It's strange how life works out sometimes....
Hey Denise,
My sister-in-law had surgery for endometriosis and was given very grave news about her chances of being able to bare a child. 6 years later she has a son and a set of identical girls! Never give up your hope for a family however it arrives. :)
boho girl, I couldn't find an email link so I'm posting here. I commented earlier, so I was reading your response. Thanks for that.
I have wondered what the news was about your body that you mentioned earlier, and I also wondered if it was endometriosis.
I just wanted to let you know that I had that surgery. It was fine. If you are scared, don't be. If you don't know anyone who’s had the surgery and want to ask questions, you are welcome to email me. My address is on my site.
My endo had blocked both of my fallopian tubes and was covering my uterus. We cleared that, but I didn't conceive for 6 months. Now we have a different problem, but I believe that without that surgery, we wouldn't be where we are today.
I usually link my name to my usual site, but I'm leaving the link to my "journey blog" just in case you want to read.
Again, I would be glad to answer any questions you have. We have to stick together, and you have given me so much inspiration and hope.
You are the beautiful thing, my love...you are!
And the beautiful story is the one you are making right now...the story of your journey to motherhood and any road you use to get there.
I am sorry for the wound
healing balm a plently
xox your sis, Darlene
my best friend's brother has suffered from schizophrenia for years. when he and his girlfriend found out they were pregnant they knew they were not in a place to raise a child. so they decided to give the child up for adoption. and actually they opted for an open adoption. the birth mother had an amazing natural birth with midwives and the new parents were there. they are an older (early 40's) couple who weren't able to conceive. anyway, her name is (appropiatley so) Grace and i had an opportunity to spend the day with her and her adoptive parents. I can't fully describe what a joy it was to seem them with her. They are true angels and you can see that they were meant to be together as a family. For me, family is not limited to bloodlines. My family are those people in life who are there for me, who insire me, who know who I really am. I have friends who I feel a closer bond to than I do with my parents. We are all family.
I didn't adopt but was a stepmom. I remember picking up his bedroom at night while he slept, a cool Colorado breeze coming through the window. Sometimes I'd stop and just be with him... listen to him breathe, tuck him in a little tighter. It made absolutely no difference that I met him when he was 5. I imagine adopting to be even more of that... once you commit it just doesn't matter, seems to me.
I haven't had kids of my own and now maybe won't. Sometimes I still wonder what my daughters would look like, how my sons would grow up, etc. I imagine people who have one or two kids might wonder the same thing... would a second daughter have my curly hair? Or a a son have my partner's smile?
Who knows!
rebeccaadventures.blogspot
Video submitted by a family who adopted a girl from China.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=44f3d65434a5ea4d73d1
Hi Boho, just wanted to tell you a quick, other kind of story - one of my cousins had surgery for her endometriosis, after which she did successful bear a healthy, beautiful child. But not just that ... many years later, at the age of 42, she accidentally conceived Baby No. 2, WHILE USING A CONDOM. He, too, is a total sweetheart. So just remember: wonders never cease.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother through adoption.
I have lot of reasons for this decision, some of them are easier to understand than others, but the bottom line is it is my decision.
I cannot tell you the number of well-meaning people who have tried to talk me into birthing a child through my body. Gratefully, soon I will be too old for that conversation.
Though there have been many times when I have been hurt and angered by these comments, discussions and arguments, the bottom line is that pregnancy is a very impressive experience. When those folks tried to convince me, they were speaking from their own experience and wanting to extend that experience to me.
I try to take that "advice" in the spirit it is offered. Usually it is not until I have had time to cool down that I do, though.
this is the first time i've visited your blog, hello! i feel compelled to comment, because i suspect you would have to look far and hard to find a better advocate for adoption than myself. I was adopted as a baby at three months, and completed a family for my parents who had already adopted a boy two years earlier. They are the most beautiful parents, loving, giving, understanding. That we were 'dopted was just something we always knew about ourselves and it made our family no more or less special than any other.
When i was 18 i fell pregnant. whilst i always wanted to be a mom one day, it wasn't then, not yet, i wanted to travel the world (and subsequently spent the next ten years doing just that) and so i went through the process and gave my baby boy up for adoption. I beleived at the core of my heart that if he had half the positive experience that i'd had with my family, he would be better off than if he'd stayed with the me. to this day i hope and pray and trust that i did the right thing.
now i'm settled and have two biological children and i am my mother. i see no difference in my love for them than my mothers love for my brother and i. Because i want to speak the truth, i will acknowledge that as a biological mother i do have this vague sense of wonder, amazement and pride that i created such beautiful beings. I've discussed this with my mother though and she says but her sense of wonder stemmed from the fact that her beautiful beings (my brother and i) were actually entrusted to her. and the pride is the same as they learn and grow and are nurtured by you.
i could go on (clearly!) but on a final note, the first few times my partner met my family, he made what i thought at the time was a fairly gauche remark. He suggested that it was because we were adopted that we seemed to have more respect for each other than biological families. I railed against this for a while, not wanting to acknowledge that we were different at at, but i suspect there is a seed of truth in it. you see, it's possible we don't take each other for granted quite so much. and yes, clearly that is a generalisation, but also my happy experience.
i wish you luck in your journey, and adoped or biological, believe that neither alternative is the lesser one.
I was concieved with much effort and after more years of trying, ending in a radical hysterectomy from tubular pregnancies my parents adopted my brother. We totally forgot he wasn't a blood relation to the point that he would comment about balding like Dad or fair skinned like Mom. If we did realize we would laugh at the possibility of such things. As it turns out we do look alike, he does have my Mom's skin and he is bald. And he's my Mom's favorite so no worries of a heart accepting an adopted baby less than a natural. My best wishes to you in your journey.
My sister-in-law and her husband adopted twin girls from Korea almost one year ago, after trying to conceive for several exhausting, stressful years. The girls are now about a year and a half old and while my sis is perhaps as tired as before, the stress is gone because she just loves those girls so much. One of the neat things about having adopted girls from another country (they considered both and got this opportunity and decided it was the right one) is that the parents get to learn so much about another culture -- they're learning all about Korean culture so that they can help the girls better understand where they come from.
I have some twin stories here
and here, if you're interested.
Honestly, don't you feel we choose all our family? Adopted or biological. Furry or human. I just cannot imagine it works any other way. The other thing that always makes me go hmmm is this quantifying of love. Like you have a certain amount of love for some people in your life and another quantity for other people. Isn't it an all or nothing sort of thing? Maybe I am beter at expressing love to some of the people in my life than others but I love them all the same amount in different ways.
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