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Wednesday, January 7

gentler...


cedar, canon 50d

I love how when I am open about the messy bits in my life,
that healing weaves its way into the story.

Today was gentler than yesterday.
It was more quiet and soothing. Him and me. Me and him.
We gazed at one another while I told him stories.
Not in a baby voice, but my me voice...
And I shared some of the journey that brought me to him.
He listened intently.
We danced in my studio to Libera until he fell asleep nestled in my neck.
Then we laid together just breathing.

I read him your stories...
the ones where you all came and circled us, told us we weren't alone,
wrapped your arms around me and my babe and, held our hands and nodded with understanding. Oh how this transformed our spirits and made sense of it all.

Tonight we had a moment that I needed but didn't realize I needed.
It was quiet. Boho Boy was asleep. Me and Cedar alone on the couch.
Him on my chest. He wiggled his face up towards mine, sleeping...like a cherub.
My heart felt so full of love that it hurt...but a good hurt.

And it all came flowing into me as I allowed myself to truly see him.
Then there was something I couldn't see but feel...
Like the wind.

"You're the one I've been waiting for...".

16 Comments:

Anonymous satori17@yahoo.com said...

yes, that is it.
and after crazy hazy days and lost moments of time you will connect with cedar and just know it's right.
that is love.
that is what being a mommy is all about.
so nice to know your baby boy is with you.
i always saw you with a boy, always.

so full of joy for you!

peace~

January 8, 2009 at 3:48:00 AM PST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

This is so beautiful. Being able to see your little boho boy. To feel a connection to him like this. What a beautiful post.

January 8, 2009 at 4:04:00 AM PST  
Blogger Puanani said...

I never once doubted that this would be your path. Yea for the hard days that make the easy days so juicy and sweet!

January 8, 2009 at 4:28:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise, Dear... You are doing a fantastice job. Everything you are feeling is so totally part of the process. Maybe it seems like some intense overtraining, but when we get to look, that is when we realize, "Wow this is a little easier." Please don't be so hard on yourself. Motherhood is not a contest or a perfect preformance. Its a dance, and your are a great dancer. I wish you many effortless days, and a few rough ones inbetween to remind you how tough you really are.

Take great care of yourself. Happy families require happy Moms.

Cath

January 8, 2009 at 4:34:00 AM PST  
Blogger danielle marie said...

i have found, now finally-- (and my baby boy has just completed his first decade!), that motherhood is like dancing in waves. of wind over the fields, of water in it's mystical moon pull. never quite predictable, but like the grain in the field, like the surface of the water, we move with the waves and stand up and smooth out again. for a while. until the next breeze, gale, or force of the universe arrives. welcome, mother, to the ebb and flow, the bend and flex, the tear-jerking, soul-baring, challenging dance! you're rocking it just fine.
;o)

January 8, 2009 at 4:54:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Vicki H said...

Please please never stop being you - and sharing you with us. You and your journey are a blessing to many. My heart is so full now - sharing in your joy, your walk. Thank you for the gift of you!
Blessings,
Vicki

January 8, 2009 at 6:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger britt said...

BOHO your baby is BEAUTIFUL - wait - your family is BEAUTIFUL - i am so happy at your new bundle of joy. congratulations. i am so happy for you!

January 8, 2009 at 7:09:00 AM PST  
Blogger ddphotography said...

I think your story is amazing, inspiring, real..raw...you & and your son are very lucky to share your journey's to one another together, we are blessed to be shadows along the way...thank you for your words they speak to my heart.

January 8, 2009 at 11:34:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Sara said...

I have to introduce myself. I've spent well over and hour reading your stgory, your journey, your spirit and your kindly expressed soul. The good , the bad and the difficult. I feel as though we are walkingin the shadow of one another in terms of emotions and experiences. I only wish I could be more boho and carefree and such, but that is in my future for sure. I had to reach out b/c it is only fair to introduce myself. And tell you that my story began 4 years ago and continues to this day. I've been graced with two beautiful adopted children who each have their own story. The first was frightening and the second lovely. They each have their own story, don't they?

Congratulationss on the gift that is your son. I associate with many of your post adoption thoughts and musings. You've inspired me to share more of those feelings myself as I often keep them bottled inside.

Enjoy this gift of life. I often wonder how I got so lucky to have been given such an enormus gift or love. Not once, but twice. Beyond magic.

Much love and peace to you as you continue to build your story.
Sara

January 8, 2009 at 1:53:00 PM PST  
Blogger karenjane said...

its so beautiful to be able to see you bond with cedar, your love for him is etched in your words. you write so beautifully so that we feel that we are almost there with you witnesing your journey from where you stand. what a beautiful journey this life is, i am so glad that it has lead you to your babe at last

January 8, 2009 at 4:06:00 PM PST  
Blogger Graciel @ Evenstar Art said...

Gorgeous. The truth of that simple, little statement...just gorgeous.

January 8, 2009 at 4:41:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Lesley said...

I stumbled upon your blog about a month ago when you were just meeting sweet Cedar. I have 6 grown children and 5 granddaughters, so my baby days are far behind me. But reading every word you write takes me back to every feeling I had and most times I cry over every entry, your highs, your lows. It's all so true and beautiful. You are so fortunate to have this outlet and find community here in this day and age.

Blessings to you, Boho Boy and Cedar. You bring back all my memories and even the ones most raw are sweet. You so totally get it - motherhood. Love~

January 8, 2009 at 4:47:00 PM PST  
Blogger {holly aletha photo} said...

i just wanted to let you know that your story, and your little cedar, brings me to tears and touches me in a quiet, lovely place in my heart. i think your writing is so beautiful...your story telling ability is just so wonderful. oh, and i'm holly, by the way. i wandered onto your blog one day...felt like today was a good time to speak up. love to you and your little family.

January 8, 2009 at 5:48:00 PM PST  
Blogger april said...

Thank you for reminding me of days like this I shared with my son. He was nine years in the making and reading your blog takes me back. And I really need to go back, he is currently driving me a little nuts.

January 8, 2009 at 7:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jen said...

I have just stumbled upon your blog and am amazed by what I have been reading. You write so beautifully and made tears well up in my eyes on a number of occasions.

Your baby is totally gorgeous. Your family is divine.

Remember - what makes a mother is love, and it is ooozing from the very pores of your skin.

My story - I was told by many doctors that I would never have a child of my own. I understand the grief and longing and anger. Five years later I discovered I was pregnant. Those five years were awful. Now I have three children - all concieved naturally. I actually have never gotten over the feeling that it wasnt 'meant to be' - that I wasnt 'worthy'. and it has been nearly 17 years.... guilt - it hurts


keep up the loving. everything else will fall into place

hugs
Jen
:)

January 9, 2009 at 4:47:00 AM PST  
Blogger jenica said...

you are plentiful.
you are beautiful.
this is all just perfect.

xoxo

January 9, 2009 at 2:25:00 PM PST  

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