Thursday, January 12

Wide Awake

Kayaks, Kodak EasyShare

"I'm wide awake...I'm not sleeping." - U2

I heard this song yesterday morning as I was driving up to one of my favorite hiking spots. I decided to take U2's advice and choose to be "Wide Awake" the remainder of the day.

Do we really know the difference? What it is to be awake or sleeping throughout our days? I think so many times we drift through the hours a bit numb, trying to get through each moment longing for the evening when we can snuggle under our covers and put our day behind us.

I also stumbled upon this quote earlier that morning:

"You have to eat the world with your eyes. You must look at everything as if you are going to die in the next five minutes, because in the relative scheme of things, you are. You can't miss a trick." -Winter Sorbeck

I felt like God was trying to pound this concept of "being awake" into my head. He knows I don't pay attention to neon signs (too busy) but I do pay attention to quotes and music. Not because I think I am going to die in the next five minutes but perhaps because I have become a bit numb in order to protect myself. The past 16 months have been a roller coaster in regards to our fertility. Every month I go through a myriad of emotions: The first week is full of disappointment for not conceiving, the next week is full of hope that it will happen this month, the last two weeks is a waiting game full of anticipation that this month did the trick and this goes on and on...all along trying to keep my body healthy, relax and not stress.

I don't mean to sound like a whiner at all. As mad as this journey has been...it has also brought Carsten and I closer and has forced me to learn a few things about myself that I am not that particularly thrilled about: I can be impatient and a control freak.

I also figured out yesterday, after hearing the song and reading this quote that as a result of this journey, I have allowed a numbness to build up in order to survive through it all. A result of this is that I have been missing a lot of life around me. I've been more asleep than awake. Is that really living? Do I want to conceive my child in a state of sleep or being wide awake?

So, I put being Wide Awake into practice yesterday during my hike. In an effort to do this, I felt my senses become more aware; the air smelled sweeter, the sky many shades of blue, the trees softly swayed to the songs the birds were singing. I began to appreciate the fact that I could move one foot in front of the other after I noticed a woman pushing someone in a wheelchair. This made me want to run...because I can! So I did. I ran to the edge of a cliff and watched...and listened...and felt. I was far up above the beach where the birds were swooping down, then up high between the cliffs around me. My first instinct was to do some postures I've learned in yoga. So there I was, doing sun salutations up on a cliff, underneath the bright blue sky and the sun shining all around me. I actually felt the vibrations of the sun's rays on my skin. I don't think I would have ever noticed this had I not been in this state of awareness. I would have walked up and down the trail, perhaps feeling how tired my muscles were or wishing I was somewhere else. I didn't even notice my muscles feeling tired. I was far too energized with all that was surrounding me. I didn't want to be anywhere else but there...in that moment.

Later in the evening, my husband and I drove back to the beach after dinner to go on a walk in the moonlight. As we walked along the shore, holding hands, we remained quiet as our senses drank nature in. I won't go into details with this particular walk. I hope to inspire you to do it yourself...to see what I saw. If you do...I would love to hear your experience, please share.

Today I plan to bring myself downtown with my camera. I will again try this new awareness and perhaps capture what I would have failed to notice before.

So does this mean that without the numbness I will then feel more sadness, more dissapointment every month? I really think I would rather feel the sadness then miss all that I saw, felt, heard and touched yesterday.

I'll let you know.