time for time off

me & big sur redwoods, taken by carsten, kodak LS753

Though many extraordinary things have transpired in my life this past year, there has been an underlying sadness through it all. On those days where others may see me smiling and laughing, deep within are wells of tears that surface when my head hits the pillow at night.

As much as my husband and I have poured ourselves into our creative companies, home design projects, what have you…our true longing has been to have a baby and create a family in our home. I look back and all I can remember is being focused on this since shortly after we were married. Then I look beyond where I see a crazy girl, mind in beautiful places, spirited, alive, sexy, free…I miss her. I am tired. We are tired.

Since I am an information nerd, we have been over-informed about how to get pregnant. So of course, it is consuming us but only lately have we recognized this fully.

I had an epiphany yesterday. While I was at my YMCA, I decided to work out harder than I have in over a year. I had been trying to not over do it all these months because I was told not to...in order to conceive. As a result, I have felt less fit, less energized, less motivated to kick butt on a hike or at my gym. So, as I was breaking a sweat it hit me…I need Time Off from all this! I need a break. I need to get back to me…to US…to making love just for the hell of it, because we WANT to, not because it’s “that time”.

As those thoughts danced in my head, I felt a gigantic weight lifting. While on the elliptical with my iPod in ears, ponytail flopping, a smile started creeping across my face. I felt my cheeks flush with color and I just knew. It was that feeling that washes over you like a peaceful river…YES, yes…this is a right decision! No doubts. Energy-filled, resounding YES throughout every morsel in your being.

I have held onto this dream so tightly that I am not allowing it to breathe. It is not in my hands, really. I cannot control this. I know this because I have tried everything in my might (and I mean everything) and it just didn’t happen, month after month.

I literally felt myself “let it go” and thought of all that I could do with the plethora of energy I have poured into trying so hard to conceive this child. Of course my thoughts went to my business but it also went to my relationship with my husband, with my friends and family.

I walked back to my car with a jive in my step, looked up and a woman passing me was smiling. I realized that I had been smiling at myself and there was another confirmation. How long had it been since I smiled walking down a street?

She’s back.

So, when I arrived home, I ran up our loft stairs, sat on my husbands lap and shared with him what had just transpired. I saw a relief wash over his face…and his own epiphany in his eyes. YES, this is what he needed too. I felt sexy again in his arms. Not just a vessel with eggs ready to be permeated. I felt that liveliness between us slowly rebirthing. That liveliness that would spontaneously sneak into an “off limits” park at night, with all the sprinklers on, run through them and fall to the ground together laughing, kissing…LETTING GO.

We’re back.

Taking time for time off.