The Beach

seagull on beach, kodak ls753

Today I had a myriad of emotions inside of me that I didn't quite know what to do with. I found myself restless. I started a project, only to be distracted by another. I couldn't really focus. I didn't have the words to write into my journal or here because my feelings hadn't yet been born into words yet. They were just a mass of emotions. Not just one emotion but many, some contradicting the other.

So...I left what was feeling like four walls coming in on me and I brought myself to the beach. A place with wide open spaces, crisp cool air, seagulls flying and singing, waves crashing and sizzling, the sun peeking in and out of grayish clouds and sweet little old women leaning over, picking up ocean treasures to take home with them.

Normally, when I walk on the beach, I absorb all of this surrounding me. I listen to Iron and Wine on my iPod to the rhythm of waves trailing in and out of shore. There is just something about his languid voice that speaks in harmony with the ocean.

Not today.

Today I found myself iPod free, face down, walking at a fast pace, then breaking into a run. I wanted to hear my breath rather than a song. I wanted to be cognizant of my feet pounding on the sand. I went beyond my usual stopping point and kept going. My mouth was clenched. My brow furrowed. My eyes on the sand and rocks beneath me.

I realized something with this shift in behavior. I'm holding onto stuff. I am still not sure how to get it out. The feelings I have inside are so foreign to me. Almost like I am in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and the only way I can communicate is through actions rather than words.

I needed physical action today...not words.

I don't have the answers as to why or what or who or when or where all this is coming from inside of me.

All I know is that tomorrow...I want to do it again because today, the beach spoke my language.