Sitting in a Moment

vine plant on our porch, kodak ls753

Our loft upstairs has a door that goes out into a small porch. My mother helped me plant some beautiful flowers in colorful ceramic pots and window planters last year out there. I am not quite as much a green thumb as she is, well...not even close actually, but some plants have thrived in my amateur care and survived our winter (which is far too mild for my liking here in Southern Cali). On each side of our porch, we planted vine plants so that they would spread throughout the top of our porch and sides of the walls.


vine plant on our porch, kodak ls753

I have always loved vine plants. When they grow thick and lush and cover sides of houses or fences, it always brings me to a whimsical place in my mind...as if I am walking through an enchanted forrest.

I've been inside too much lately. I have felt our walls closing in around me and my cloudy head. Before this last year and a half, depression in my life would come and go as fast as a few days. It would come mostly during hormonal times of my cycle or a break up or perhaps a bit of a falling out with someone but would never stay long enough for me to get used to the feeling. It is now something that lingers and stays beneath the surface of all of my days. Last night I read dear Mardougrrl's post and it felt all too familiar. It made me face the truth in that I am indeed depressed. The monthly roller coaster we've been on for 18 months has really taken a toll on my whole self.

I do have wonderful and exhilarating moments still. This past weekend I belly laughed with my husband as we walked a trail near the beach where we were married. I rejoice every day about the strikingly creative women friends I have made through this medium, as well as my old friends and my family. I do know that I have a plethora of reasons to be grateful. But there is always this longing beneath the surface, the fear of the unknown, the fight to not let these emotions control me - - - the constant, constant conversations in my mind where one side is telling me I am not worthy to be a mother and the other is crowning me queen mama.

This morning, I opened my porch door and the smell of a night of rain swirled around me. My skin felt instantly cool. I felt my body lean against the door and I watched the drips of water trailing down the flower petals and leaves at the same moment as a tear rolled down my cheek. I closed my eyes and listened to the birds. The sound of Spring coming. I took a full breath in and allowed the crisp and fresh air to fill my lungs. I smiled. This tear falling didn't come from sadness but came from joy, from a release within. Looking at these vines, I was brought back to that enchanted forrest.

It is when I truly sit in a moment and not allow my mind to go anywhere but here...I find peace. I suppose that is meditation, really.

I need to sit more in these moments because they breathe more life into me and those walls closing in slowly crumble around me and let the fresh air in.