Wednesday, March 29

Sitting in a Moment

vine plant on our porch, kodak ls753

Our loft upstairs has a door that goes out into a small porch. My mother helped me plant some beautiful flowers in colorful ceramic pots and window planters last year out there. I am not quite as much a green thumb as she is, well...not even close actually, but some plants have thrived in my amateur care and survived our winter (which is far too mild for my liking here in Southern Cali). On each side of our porch, we planted vine plants so that they would spread throughout the top of our porch and sides of the walls.

vine plant on our porch, kodak ls753

I have always loved vine plants. When they grow thick and lush and cover sides of houses or fences, it always brings me to a whimsical place in my mind...as if I am walking through an enchanted forrest.

I've been inside too much lately. I have felt our walls closing in around me and my cloudy head. Before this last year and a half, depression in my life would come and go as fast as a few days. It would come mostly during hormonal times of my cycle or a break up or perhaps a bit of a falling out with someone but would never stay long enough for me to get used to the feeling. It is now something that lingers and stays beneath the surface of all of my days. Last night I read dear Mardougrrl's post and it felt all too familiar. It made me face the truth in that I am indeed depressed. The monthly roller coaster we've been on for 18 months has really taken a toll on my whole self.

I do have wonderful and exhilarating moments still. This past weekend I belly laughed with my husband as we walked a trail near the beach where we were married. I rejoice every day about the strikingly creative women friends I have made through this medium, as well as my old friends and my family. I do know that I have a plethora of reasons to be grateful. But there is always this longing beneath the surface, the fear of the unknown, the fight to not let these emotions control me - - - the constant, constant conversations in my mind where one side is telling me I am not worthy to be a mother and the other is crowning me queen mama.

This morning, I opened my porch door and the smell of a night of rain swirled around me. My skin felt instantly cool. I felt my body lean against the door and I watched the drips of water trailing down the flower petals and leaves at the same moment as a tear rolled down my cheek. I closed my eyes and listened to the birds. The sound of Spring coming. I took a full breath in and allowed the crisp and fresh air to fill my lungs. I smiled. This tear falling didn't come from sadness but came from joy, from a release within. Looking at these vines, I was brought back to that enchanted forrest.

It is when I truly sit in a moment and not allow my mind to go anywhere but here...I find peace. I suppose that is meditation, really.

I need to sit more in these moments because they breathe more life into me and those walls closing in slowly crumble around me and let the fresh air in.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are such an amazing woman. your words are so moving and descriptive, I was with you breathing in those heavenly flowers.

March 29, 2006 at 11:10:00 AM PST  
Blogger M said...

Hear hear! I am so with you on this one. Sitting in the moment...why is it so hard to do and to remember? I try so hard to not be one way that I miss who I really am sometimes, where I really am. I've tried to learn to meditate several times, but always find an excuse not to keep it up. Maybe I'll adapt it to be my own version instead. I'm sorry this time has been so hard for you, but you are handling it with such grace, well done beautiful girl!

March 29, 2006 at 1:14:00 PM PST  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

hugs to you! that is the power of now...and that's all we are promised...the now!

March 29, 2006 at 2:24:00 PM PST  
Blogger just audra said...

i so completely understand this feeling of yours. the saddness underneath, trying so hard to stay on the light side, to see the beauty that surrounds us. sometimes it is a hard thing to do and sometimes we wake up and wonder what all of the fuss, all of those tears were fall about because we feel so positive! a roller coaster this crazy life.
peace sweetie.
today i sent an affirmation to the universe in your favor - you never know, sometimes i can be quite magical - a witch in a past life perhaps?
much love and hugs
and thanks for all of the kind words you have gifted me.
i read the poem you wrote in my honor angain and again today and you will never know how meaningful it is - how appreciated it is
you are a beautiful soul!
thank you!

March 29, 2006 at 6:40:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lita said...

wow, I could actually smell the rain and feel everything you felt...now that is one absolutely enchanting story!

March 29, 2006 at 9:24:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a beautiful post, borne out of sadness, but also a tentative reconnection with the world. Stay strong sweetheart, you have friends all over the world holding you in the light x

March 30, 2006 at 12:35:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...


You express your emotions so beautifully in words.

Listen to your intuition ~ take yourself outdoors more if you can.

It seems like you are integrating your feelings ......

You are dealing with some complex emotions

I understand


March 30, 2006 at 6:24:00 AM PST  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

I hope the coming spring will lift your spirits, and that the fertile seasons ahead will be a good blessing for your hopes of motherhood. (Saying that, it seems we should all go dance in a field or observe some pagan calendar!) Your writing here is beautiful.

March 30, 2006 at 8:10:00 AM PST  
Blogger nina beana said...

i feel you!

March 31, 2006 at 3:03:00 AM PST  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

mmmm, yes. as my serious A.D.D. has gotten worse (as i get older?) i actually find it easier to be in a moment and just be there, so alive, so rich. it is truly ONLY when i am immersed in a moment that i feel sane, orderly. everything else is just a blur of to-do's, words, some unfulfilled feelings, the nagging hungry ghosts rapping at my door, blessings counted, mouths fed, tomorrows to wonder about. you are beautiful in your moments, dear.

March 31, 2006 at 10:42:00 PM PST  

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