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Wednesday, March 22

tenderly exposed


golden goddess, kodak ls753

You know...I've contemplated whether or not to write my raw emotions here today. I know that with my sharings I have been brave but perhaps not entirely. I have kept some emotions or some happenings as of late sacred to me and my husband in regards to this fertility journey. I do think that is healthy but at the same time, as my Blogging Tribe gets closer to my heart, perhaps it is more clear to them that I have pulled a bit away and drawn within.

Part of me not sharing entirely must be my pride. I don't want to be pitied or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't need loads of advice or for anyone I care about to worry about me. I don't want to sound like a whiner or a broken record or appear that I am not growing through this.

I suppose I just want to be heard and understood and cared for.

Today, I woke up realizing that this place, this blogging community, this Tribe completely stands for that. Here... I feel heard, I feel understood and I feel cared for.

I've received a few very touching emails lately where I was thanked for my bravery and they shared how they were inspired to be true to themselves and speak their true emotions, to embrace their messy bits.

Isn't that what this is all about? Me sharing is not only about the healing that happens within me...but I am learning that it is also about the healing that happens with others that read it. I have also felt healing inside of me as I read your own blogs.

We are all healers to one another...aren't we?

The past few days I have been feeling extra tenderly exposed. Leonie said it well in one of her posts matching images with a few bloggers. She said I was a tender bean. She is right.

Last week I underwent a few fertility tests. All have been perfectly normal, so I was feeling a bit confident that these would as well. I've been struggling with how my doctors have been a bit robotic about all of this when it is such an emotional issue with us. My appointment a month back ended up rocking my world because of how indifferent the doctor seemed talking to us about everything with her head down to her laptop and my heart out on the table. As soon as I sensed her cold, my bravery seemed to melt.

So, my doctor calls me yesterday with a cheery voice to tell me I have a lesion that is most likely benign on my ovary and my uterine lining is thicker than expected. She will send me back to my gyno for more tests.

I hung up the phone with my mouth dropped open. I typed in those two things in the internet and all that came up was ovarian cancer or that I may have to have an ovary taken out...that lesions are tumors and not cysts. My imagination got the best of me and I crumbled. I spent the rest of the day on the phone with my older sister Darlene, in tears, writing Thea, later in my husbands arms and thinking the worst of thoughts...you can imagine.

I called her back to get more information since in my shock, I didn't ask her enough questions and she went home for the day.

Today she leaves me a voicemail saying "it really isn't that serious"...and to call her back and I did, but she was with a patient.

So, now I am not sure how to feel. I am confused and frustrated and embarrassed and unsure and tired. I am so, so tired.

This is such an enormous lesson for me to let go. I want so badly to let go of this grip I have on wanting this dream of ours to happen and right when I feel as if I have...I get a call about lesions.

I am trying...I am trying to be ultra brave and to let go at the same time as being tenderly exposed.


14 Comments:

Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I have learned a lot from you..

Hugs
Thea

March 22, 2006 at 12:57:00 PM PST  
Anonymous amy said...

It is so funny I just sent you an email, and then clicked over here. I must have sensed something on the wind. Your bravery and truth are inspiring...

March 22, 2006 at 1:03:00 PM PST  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i see you...i hear you...i care

and maybe you don't have to try so hard to be brave and wise and together...all the trying can be tiring...

;D

March 22, 2006 at 1:05:00 PM PST  
Anonymous chele said...

dear one~
bravery isn't the absence of fear...it's feeling fear & moving forward through it. you are moving forward though this with a grace & transparency that is beautiful & an inspiration.

love to you

March 22, 2006 at 1:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

Oh, sweetheart...I wish I could just hug you right now. If all I can do is listen, I will.

You are a gift.

March 22, 2006 at 1:14:00 PM PST  
Blogger M said...

Sweetie, I send you big big hugs and lots of love. Isn't the mind an amazing thing? Hang in, you are stronger than you realize and I am in awe everyday by what you are surviving with such grace and intelligence.
Big hugs again!

March 22, 2006 at 1:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger megg said...

hi there -

I hear you - how frightened you must be. I can't imagine what must be going through your head. i can't come over and hug you, but know that I am here, I am sending you positive thoughts for it truly not to be serious, and courage if it is. I send you love no matter what. Please, keep us posted. xoox

March 22, 2006 at 2:16:00 PM PST  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Catching up on a few lost days -- was loving the pics of you dancing, and then read this new post. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for your ovaries -- I have been in some scary places with doctor's news in the past few years, with my husband having skin cancer, and though his dermatologist delivered the news in person in the best way, the surgical oncologist made us want to slap him plenty of times. To slap some compassion into him! I have also been the bystander to lots of good news, to mammogram masses that turned out to be nothing, and ovarian cysts that came back benign, and I try to remember the good news has outweighed the bad by a lot, so I'm hoping this holds true for you, that this is all really "not that serious" like your doc said, and that you'll be able to get pregnant. Best wishes!!!

March 22, 2006 at 5:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger kelly rae said...

wishing for you that all of this takes care of itself. that it really is "nothing." but even if it's "nothing" it really is something because you are braver because of it. i'm sorry for the ill delivery of the news. working in the medical arena and being the receiver of bad news myself, i know how devastating it can be. we are all thinking of you, and really hoping for the best.

March 22, 2006 at 7:35:00 PM PST  
Blogger liz elayne said...

my heart hurts for your heart my dear. i wish i could come over and we could sit on the couch in pajamas and drink tea and just be together. i am sorry that you are going through this. i know that you know that you are not alone, but i want to say it again.
you. are. not. alone.
take time to be gentle with yourself. breathe in compassion for yourself and exhale compassion over you. do this whenever you need to take a moment and just be.

March 22, 2006 at 9:01:00 PM PST  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

hi honey,

i'm sorry about all this... scary health things.

i blow kisses to your ovaries.

nick and dave went shoe shopping with me today, to help me find some "funeral shoes." our boys. they kept me giggling even when i was feeling down. shoe shopping for funeral shoes sucks at the best of times, but add those boys and all seems okay again. their best shoe advice was not to buy the "hussy shoes" and to buy the "roman shoes" instead.

bless all of our tender hearts,
love,
leonie

March 23, 2006 at 1:52:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise:

I am so sorry to hear about this, I wish the best for you and I will say a prayer for you and Carsten.

If you ever need to talk, I am always here for you.

Chris Hallock

March 23, 2006 at 9:13:00 PM PST  
Anonymous krista said...

GOod to hear that it is benign.. Eeek how scary. Your chalk drawing there is absolutely beautiful.

My husband and I tried (and I mean REALLY TRIED) for 12 cycles before we became pregnant with our second baby. I remember the feeling every month when I would go buy a pregnancy test because I knew that this would be the month, and, month after month, it wasn't. It was such an emotional rollercoaster.

I hope you will get what you wish for and while waiting for it to happen can keep your cool.

Good luck to you.

March 24, 2006 at 7:09:00 AM PST  
Blogger just audra said...

i LOVE this pastel, it is so beautiful!

March 27, 2006 at 5:05:00 PM PST  

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