golden goddess, kodak ls753
You know...I've contemplated whether or not to write my raw emotions here today. I know that with my sharings I have been brave but perhaps not entirely. I have kept some emotions or some happenings as of late sacred to me and my husband in regards to this fertility journey. I do think that is healthy but at the same time, as my Blogging Tribe gets closer to my heart, perhaps it is more clear to them that I have pulled a bit away and drawn within.
Part of me not sharing entirely must be my pride. I don't want to be pitied or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't need loads of advice or for anyone I care about to worry about me. I don't want to sound like a whiner or a broken record or appear that I am not growing through this.
I suppose I just want to be heard and understood and cared for.
Today, I woke up realizing that this place, this blogging community, this Tribe completely stands for that. Here... I feel heard, I feel understood and I feel cared for.
I've received a few very touching emails lately where I was thanked for my bravery and they shared how they were inspired to be true to themselves and speak their true emotions, to embrace their messy bits.
Isn't that what this is all about? Me sharing is not only about the healing that happens within me...but I am learning that it is also about the healing that happens with others that read it. I have also felt healing inside of me as I read your own blogs.
We are all healers to one another...aren't we?
The past few days I have been feeling extra tenderly exposed. Leonie said it well in one of her posts matching images with a few bloggers. She said I was a tender bean. She is right.
Last week I underwent a few fertility tests. All have been perfectly normal, so I was feeling a bit confident that these would as well. I've been struggling with how my doctors have been a bit robotic about all of this when it is such an emotional issue with us. My appointment a month back ended up rocking my world because of how indifferent the doctor seemed talking to us about everything with her head down to her laptop and my heart out on the table. As soon as I sensed her cold, my bravery seemed to melt.
So, my doctor calls me yesterday with a cheery voice to tell me I have a lesion that is most likely benign on my ovary and my uterine lining is thicker than expected. She will send me back to my gyno for more tests.
I hung up the phone with my mouth dropped open. I typed in those two things in the internet and all that came up was ovarian cancer or that I may have to have an ovary taken out...that lesions are tumors and not cysts. My imagination got the best of me and I crumbled. I spent the rest of the day on the phone with my older sister Darlene, in tears, writing Thea, later in my husbands arms and thinking the worst of thoughts...you can imagine.
I called her back to get more information since in my shock, I didn't ask her enough questions and she went home for the day.
Today she leaves me a voicemail saying "it really isn't that serious"...and to call her back and I did, but she was with a patient.
So, now I am not sure how to feel. I am confused and frustrated and embarrassed and unsure and tired. I am so, so tired.
This is such an enormous lesson for me to let go. I want so badly to let go of this grip I have on wanting this dream of ours to happen and right when I feel as if I have...I get a call about lesions.
I am trying...I am trying to be ultra brave and to let go at the same time as being tenderly exposed.