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Friday, April 7

Gathering


my altar, canon digital rebel XT

Dear sisters,

I thought about sending an individual email to all the lovely souls who reached out to me and share how humbled I have been by your sweet hearts, your gentle words, your affirmations, your prayers.

I then realized I wanted to thank you collectively, through this medium that brought us all together into this tribe, into this circle which gathers when one needs lifting up and gathers when one desires to celebrate as a whole.

Today, rather than gripped with fear, my heart is held with peace. Held by your loving arms and words of wisdom.

I wanted to share what transpired yesterday…what shifted my heart, what cleansed me and has allowed healing to begin:

Late morning, I turned the lights low in my loft.

I gathered all of the tea lights and candles I could find and placed them in a medium sized circle on my hardwood floor.

I then placed one plant at the head of the circle (the dish that the plant sits on has crystals and a tiny happy Buddha surrounding the pot).

I laid my orange yoga mat in the middle of the circle.

I played Native American flute music (soft, slow, peaceful sound).

I burned some sage and walked with the smoke all over the room, and moved it over the circle I had just created and then moved it over the front of my body, mainly over my reproductive organs, slowly...up and down, up and down the front of my body over my loose clothing.

Finally, I sat on my mat and waited, with my eyes closed, for words to come to me
and this is what I began to say softly, out loud while I placed my hands over my ovaries:

"I love you,
I cherish you,
you are beautiful and
perfect just as you are...

You are fertile,
bountiful
lush
fruitful
abundant and
perfect just as you are...

You are not alone,
we are in this together,
I believe in you
I have faith in you
you are capable of bringing
life into me,
and you are perfect, just as you are."

I said this over and over as the tears started to flow. I felt my fear and anger towards my reproductive organs slowly melt away and then I began to feel empathy towards them. Them... meaning my ovaries, my antral follicles, my fallopian tubes, my uterus.

I have spoken negative words about them out loud or in my mind for so many months. I haven't really, truly believed in them…even if I tried to convince myself that I had lately.

Then during this exercise, I actually felt their pain from my disbelief. The pain that one would feel if a loved one had told you that you were a failure, that you are not worthy. When those words are spoken to a person, self esteem is crushed and sometimes, you begin to believe it.

My heart went out to my feminine organs and in my own way, I transformed those negative thoughts into those of love, acceptance and I felt this warm pulsing down on my belly. I suppose it was a healing taking place.

A healing for them.
A healing for me.

I felt how they craved this acceptance, this love, this surrender to all they are capable of.

Coming out of this exercise, I didn’t feel completely healed but I felt lighter, nonetheless. My anxiety and all other negative emotions subsided a bit. I noticed my mind shifting to loving thoughts rather than hateful ones towards my body. I know this shift is going to take time and I am not rushing but am slowly embracing.

I imagined my reproductive organs as my friends and loved ones. How would I speak to them, how would I treat them, how would I nurture them?

This brought on a gentle shift of attitude for me. I was treating them as an enemy. Even if it wasn't obvious to others on the outside..within my inner self, I was treating them badly with a plethora of negative thoughts and images.

I then put lime green post-it notes on my mirrors in my loft and bathroom:

"fruitful"
"fertile"
"bountiful"
"abundant"
"capable"
"stay positive"

…and these are what remind me of the commitment I have made to them.

Dear sisterhood...I believe it was your circling around me that helped me find these words, these images because my own voice had been stiffled by fear.

So I thank you with all that is within me for gathering lovely goddesses…for gathering…for gathering.

Bless your beautiful hearts.

14 Comments:

Blogger liz elayne said...

oh denise. beautiful. amazing. the healing begins. right now. it has really already begun. and no matter what happens, the fact that you are healing in this way is true and real and part of your journey.
you are an incredibly brave soul.

April 7, 2006 at 1:26:00 PM PDT  
Blogger M said...

You are such an inspiration, my fertile and abundant friend. Hang in there, you are on the right path, I can feel it.

April 7, 2006 at 1:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

Thank you for sharing this sacred journey. You are a luminous soul that truly shines light into all of us. I could feel your strength through this post, your gentle nature. thank you, thank you, thank you.

April 7, 2006 at 1:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

you have such a power in you...you can see it in your words.

April 7, 2006 at 2:05:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

dearheart
i honour your healing
your power
your glory
your love*soaking
and your forgiveness.

quanyin, gaia, goddess you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

always,
here.
xoxox

April 7, 2006 at 3:02:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous b/sis said...

Loving words
Healing tears
Precious moments

and all of this is shared
by all of us.

You are so loved
We are so blessed

April 7, 2006 at 4:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

You provide hope and beauty everyday. We are all blessed to have you in our lives.

xoxo, Mon

April 7, 2006 at 5:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Den

I am so glad the tribe has gathered to lift you when you needed it. Sounds like a day of pure magic and a shift in perception for the better. I hope that you are able to hold these feelings with you for the remainder of this journey and that the most difficult times are behind you!!

Love you!!

April 7, 2006 at 7:37:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous alison said...

you are a being of love and light. journey of healing has begun. sending you lotsa love!

April 7, 2006 at 8:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kristine said...

sounds very special and therapeutic...
wishing you all the best

April 7, 2006 at 10:06:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Susannah said...

Beautiful Denise - i log in to catch up with you by reading your blog this morning, and discover the painful place you have been in... but then as i read on i see that you are tentatively finding your way through the heart ache to reconnect with your body and your self. You have been popping into my thoughts all week, and my love and understanding has been winging its way to you across the ocean that separates us. I am in awe of the way you instinctively know how to nurture your self, and how you are finding the strength to truly love *your self*, an inspiration to us all. this is such an important new step on your journey, and i believe it will nourish you as you both reach out to the universe and receive the gifts you truly deserve - fulfillment, self awareness and love, and, sooner than you think, the joys of parenthood....

honouring your vessel - the body that will make life blossom - is so very important, and i am so pleased to read that you are tuning in to your inner knowledge and looking after yourself, and your soul.

love to you from England... x

April 8, 2006 at 3:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

just beautiful and transformative. you are doing such wonderful healing. thank you for being a leader that way.

xoxoxo GINORMOUS HUG p

April 10, 2006 at 2:17:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous LB said...

how inspiring... i've been feeling the need to somehow get a message to my reproductive system, too, but i feel like i'd need hypnotherapy or something deep and sub-conscious in order for it to be effective. i totally know what you mean about feeling negative about your own body and its powers (or lack of...) let us know how it works and/or how it feels.

April 18, 2006 at 12:15:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Wendee said...

I've been following your blog, following your struggle and getting to understand your frustrations, fears, hopes, love. Thank you so much for sharing, for your honesty, and the love that you share so affectionately with those around you.
I send deep, warm wishes to you, and will keep reading...

April 18, 2006 at 10:06:00 PM PDT  

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