my altar, canon digital rebel XT
I thought about sending an individual email to all the lovely souls who reached out to me and share how humbled I have been by your sweet hearts, your gentle words, your affirmations, your prayers.
I then realized I wanted to thank you collectively, through this medium that brought us all together into this tribe, into this circle which gathers when one needs lifting up and gathers when one desires to celebrate as a whole.
Today, rather than gripped with fear, my heart is held with peace. Held by your loving arms and words of wisdom.
I wanted to share what transpired yesterday…what shifted my heart, what cleansed me and has allowed healing to begin:
Late morning, I turned the lights low in my loft.
I gathered all of the tea lights and candles I could find and placed them in a medium sized circle on my hardwood floor.
I then placed one plant at the head of the circle (the dish that the plant sits on has crystals and a tiny happy Buddha surrounding the pot).
I laid my orange yoga mat in the middle of the circle.
I played Native American flute music (soft, slow, peaceful sound).
I burned some sage and walked with the smoke all over the room, and moved it over the circle I had just created and then moved it over the front of my body, mainly over my reproductive organs, slowly...up and down, up and down the front of my body over my loose clothing.
Finally, I sat on my mat and waited, with my eyes closed, for words to come to me
and this is what I began to say softly, out loud while I placed my hands over my ovaries:
"I love you,
I cherish you,
you are beautiful and
perfect just as you are...
You are fertile,
perfect just as you are...
You are not alone,
we are in this together,
I believe in you
I have faith in you
you are capable of bringing
life into me,
and you are perfect, just as you are."
I said this over and over as the tears started to flow. I felt my fear and anger towards my reproductive organs slowly melt away and then I began to feel empathy towards them. Them... meaning my ovaries, my antral follicles, my fallopian tubes, my uterus.
I have spoken negative words about them out loud or in my mind for so many months. I haven't really, truly believed in them…even if I tried to convince myself that I had lately.
Then during this exercise, I actually felt their pain from my disbelief. The pain that one would feel if a loved one had told you that you were a failure, that you are not worthy. When those words are spoken to a person, self esteem is crushed and sometimes, you begin to believe it.
My heart went out to my feminine organs and in my own way, I transformed those negative thoughts into those of love, acceptance and I felt this warm pulsing down on my belly. I suppose it was a healing taking place.
A healing for them.
A healing for me.
I felt how they craved this acceptance, this love, this surrender to all they are capable of.
Coming out of this exercise, I didn’t feel completely healed but I felt lighter, nonetheless. My anxiety and all other negative emotions subsided a bit. I noticed my mind shifting to loving thoughts rather than hateful ones towards my body. I know this shift is going to take time and I am not rushing but am slowly embracing.
I imagined my reproductive organs as my friends and loved ones. How would I speak to them, how would I treat them, how would I nurture them?
This brought on a gentle shift of attitude for me. I was treating them as an enemy. Even if it wasn't obvious to others on the outside..within my inner self, I was treating them badly with a plethora of negative thoughts and images.
I then put lime green post-it notes on my mirrors in my loft and bathroom:
…and these are what remind me of the commitment I have made to them.
Dear sisterhood...I believe it was your circling around me that helped me find these words, these images because my own voice had been stiffled by fear.
So I thank you with all that is within me for gathering lovely goddesses…for gathering…for gathering.
Bless your beautiful hearts.