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Thursday, April 6

Oasis in the end...


lake near our home, kodak ls753

Today we met with a true~blue fertility specialist.

Not a doctor who claims to know a lot about fertility...but a bonefide - dedicated his whole medical practice to helping families achieve their dream of a child - specialist.

I walked into the calmly lit, soothing atmosphere and was greeted with the warmest smiles by the nurses and instantly felt a tightness in my body release.

I've been so guarded throughout this whole process. I feel like I have fought long and hard to be truly heard or to feel of any importance with doctors throughout this journey. So of course, I walk in prepared to put my defenses up.

Well in this space...I found my fists unfolding and my lungs taking in a deep cleansing breath.

Ahhhhh...comfort.

There was instant chemistry between the three of us (me, hubs and the doc).

We sat together around a table as my husband and I spilled our 18 month journey to kind blue eyes and sincere listening ears.

This time I felt brave.
I felt cared for.
I felt important.
I felt together.
I had clarity.
I was in touch...with me.
Carsten was in touch...with him.
With us.

There was deep belly laughter between us all which relieved the scary bits, and there were some scary bits.

Bits that I held onto with a bite in my lip not wanting to allow the tears to fall. I felt safe... but not that safe to let it go in front of our doctor. This relationship will take time.

I was quiet on our way to the car. When we sat in, I put on the music loudly and put the car quickly in reverse and felt my husband gently put his hand on my arm... "we can't leave this parking lot until we talk about what's on your mind."

I looked at him and the tears flowed. He does indeed know me well. I was in running mode and he was gently asking me to slow down and sit with it.

He felt it important to review all the positives that were given to us because I, of course, was dwelling on the negative.

It carried me until a bit later in the evening when I did what I always do as an information geek which was to do more research on the internet and I found more scary bits.

My husband was my saving grace once more.

Together, we wrote down all of the glorious things that were said to me today about my body. He then found some positive bits on the internet to sooth what I had found.

I then put a post-it note on my bathroom mirror "Stay Positive" and one on my bedroom mirror..."I love my Ovaries".

Tomorrow I will begin a daily affirmation meditative ritual:

Burn incense
Burn sage
Lights down low
Candles lit...
and speak out loud loving thoughts towards my reproductive self.

So, from belly laughs to tears to remembering to breathe...

I am moving thru the scary bits and trying to embrace the positive. Much like the picture above, there will be...there must be an oasis in the end.

*******
a sincere thank you to my dear sister thru this journey, Andrea...for her bravery today in her post and for helping to ground me before meeting our baby maker. *smile*


11 Comments:

Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

lady of the lake grace, ease and joy to you dear friend

xoxo

April 6, 2006 at 2:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i wish i knew the right things
to say...
i wish i knew how i could send
help or hope through my keyboard...

hugs...
(and your husband sounds
very sweet, you are obviously
well-matched)

April 6, 2006 at 3:13:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous krista said...

I want to send you something. It is a wooden hair stick that has a fertility goddess on it. My sister in law gave it to me when my husband and I were having trouble conceiving.

I'd love for you to have it.

If you want me to send it to you, send me your address, and I will.

April 6, 2006 at 4:52:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Darling,

I got the same feeling reading your post, as I do listening to an amazing singer doing intense runs in a song, those gentle electrical sensations through my arms chest, neck and face.

It is beautiful grace that you have found someone (Dr.) you feel this way about. This is how I felt when we found our Dr. that helped us have our little one.

It is wonderful that your husband is in tune with you and that you see it for that and enable your flower of a soul to open and accept the message.

I too am ready to start voicing affirmations......because I have heard the message in your words...it is time to accept and embrace myself.

Thank you dear friend

Love and kisses

April 6, 2006 at 5:12:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

Hug yourself for me sweet Denise!!! I mean a big BEAR HUG!!! and don't forget to give Carlston one too! Sounds like you found a keeper in Dr.s!!! and keep Belly Laughing, nurture yourself!!! Those ovaries need some happy vibes too!

April 6, 2006 at 6:21:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

I am so happy that you have found a kind person and a calm place on your journey. Your strength and grace, as always, take my breath away. I will be sending supportive thoughts your way.

April 6, 2006 at 9:45:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

oh sweet friend, please do not make the same mistake that i made this weekend. i was in one of the darkest moments of my life because i could only focus on the negative and all the ways in which i felt failure and imperfection. make yourself look at the positive. it sounds like you are going to do just that and i celebrate that decision. if you start to feel the darkness clouding your vision come here and let us know so that we can shine some light into your life. that is what you all did for me this weekend and that is how i survived and found empowerment.

April 6, 2006 at 9:53:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous b/sis said...

Lovely woman/child,
When you feel like running...
that's the child in you who needs to be heard and held by you. (all outside hugs are great, but a hug from you is most healing)
And woman...you are more woman than any one I know. I am confident that you will remain positive and strong through this entire process.
Remember the day you danced? (you sexy vixen you)Do more of that too.
Above all p-l-e-a-s-e don't worry.
(Mom has that covered)
God wants all good things for you.
Faith is the key factor for all tomorrows. You have wisely surrounded yourself with a universe full of faithful women who are rooting and praying for you. Rest in that.
I love you sweetums...smugs
women/child B/sis

April 6, 2006 at 10:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

I am so happy you are in good hands at long last!!

Now, stay away from the internet and stay as positive as you can. I agree with Darlene, try to haave faith that your baby is on it's way. I believe in the power of positive thoughts, words and thoughts have power. We create so much of our reality! You are in the right hands now, you and CK are so in tune, everything is supporting you!

I know that it sounds easy to say and hard to do....but I know you can do it!!

Try to acknowledge the anxiety, tell it to back off and let it go...and remember all the great news you heard! Like the 85%!!

Love you woman!

April 6, 2006 at 12:01:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

The important bit is done. You found someone who will help you and support you through this. Hurray!

But I can understand the anxiety. We're all here to listen, at least.

You can DO this.

April 6, 2006 at 3:02:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

oh denise. i love this ritual you are bringing into your life. that even in the midst of all the anxiety and fear and sadness you are going to seek some calm and grounding and peace. yes. this is incredible. i cannot imagine this journey you are on because i have not experienced it. but i know grief and fear and love and sadness. and i reach out to you with wide open arms and a strong shoulder anytime you need it.
love to you.

April 7, 2006 at 12:03:00 AM PDT  

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