Oasis in the end...

lake near our home, kodak ls753

Today we met with a true~blue fertility specialist.

Not a doctor who claims to know a lot about fertility...but a bonefide - dedicated his whole medical practice to helping families achieve their dream of a child - specialist.

I walked into the calmly lit, soothing atmosphere and was greeted with the warmest smiles by the nurses and instantly felt a tightness in my body release.

I've been so guarded throughout this whole process. I feel like I have fought long and hard to be truly heard or to feel of any importance with doctors throughout this journey. So of course, I walk in prepared to put my defenses up.

Well in this space...I found my fists unfolding and my lungs taking in a deep cleansing breath.

Ahhhhh...comfort.

There was instant chemistry between the three of us (me, hubs and the doc).

We sat together around a table as my husband and I spilled our 18 month journey to kind blue eyes and sincere listening ears.

This time I felt brave.
I felt cared for.
I felt important.
I felt together.
I had clarity.
I was in touch...with me.
Carsten was in touch...with him.
With us.

There was deep belly laughter between us all which relieved the scary bits, and there were some scary bits.

Bits that I held onto with a bite in my lip not wanting to allow the tears to fall. I felt safe... but not that safe to let it go in front of our doctor. This relationship will take time.

I was quiet on our way to the car. When we sat in, I put on the music loudly and put the car quickly in reverse and felt my husband gently put his hand on my arm... "we can't leave this parking lot until we talk about what's on your mind."

I looked at him and the tears flowed. He does indeed know me well. I was in running mode and he was gently asking me to slow down and sit with it.

He felt it important to review all the positives that were given to us because I, of course, was dwelling on the negative.

It carried me until a bit later in the evening when I did what I always do as an information geek which was to do more research on the internet and I found more scary bits.

My husband was my saving grace once more.

Together, we wrote down all of the glorious things that were said to me today about my body. He then found some positive bits on the internet to sooth what I had found.

I then put a post-it note on my bathroom mirror "Stay Positive" and one on my bedroom mirror..."I love my Ovaries".

Tomorrow I will begin a daily affirmation meditative ritual:

Burn incense
Burn sage
Lights down low
Candles lit...
and speak out loud loving thoughts towards my reproductive self.

So, from belly laughs to tears to remembering to breathe...

I am moving thru the scary bits and trying to embrace the positive. Much like the picture above, there will be...there must be an oasis in the end.

*******
a sincere thank you to my dear sister thru this journey, Andrea...for her bravery today in her post and for helping to ground me before meeting our baby maker. *smile*