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Wednesday, May 24

Hurts.



This morning I woke early to such a heaviness in my heart. It hurts. Another month full of hope and anticipation and even more expectation than the other 19 months prior to this. Now that we have entered the phase of fertility treatments, the hope seems more, the anticipation more, the expectation higher, I suppose. I didn't realize it would also mean the more grief I would feel if it didn't work.

There are days when I can let go. Really let go and not try to make sense of it. Days when I feel grateful of the time I have available to me to do as I please with my business, my life and I take full advantage of the freedom of my husband and I being alone. Days when I don't question and just trust, have faith, believe our baby will come when its ready. Days when I don't allow negative energy about this process to spill into me. Days when I have a great knowing within that it is soon...I will be a mother soon.

Then there are days like today. Where I feel like I am grieving for a soul that I thought was nestling in my womb and turns out wasn't. A soul that I feel a deep bonding with through meditations, dreams, intuition and just that "gut feeling" that yes...I really think I am pregnant this time.

Oh how I feel tired. I wonder if I can gather the strength to do this again. I feel as though gathering this strength is nearly impossible. I feel angry at the tricks my heart and mind play on me. Today I just can't go beyond the pain to find the deeper meaning in all this. Today I just want to curl up into a little ball in the curve of my husbands chest as he spoons me. I know he tries to be strong for both of us but I can feel it wearing on him deeply. He feels everything too.

I know I am in good hands with my new doctor and my acupuncturist. I can almost hear their voices telling me right now not to give up, that we're just beginning, that we'll just keep moving through this until our baby comes. So I'll say here what I will be too shy to say to them when I make that call telling them we have to try again:

I know, I know...but it hurts, damnit. It hurts. I don't want you to fix it for me in this moment. Just let me feel this pain so I can let it move through me in and out, away from my heart. I am confused and scared and angry and full of sadness and grief. I know it will happen someday. I know I need to have patience but please don't shush these emotions because you are scared for me and don't know what else to say. Just validate my feelings. I know tomorrow I'll wake up refreshed and renewed with more insight and a clear mind but today I am full of a heaviness that is taking every ounce of strength that I have. So I cannot be today what you want me to be.

Yes...tomorrow is a new day but today, it just hurts and putting it all here in this space is part of the healing process for me. We will get through this. We always do.

Little one...I know you are out there. I just wish you were in here.

36 Comments:

Blogger Susannah said...

oh my love, i feel this so deeply for you - the hope, the expection, the disappointment, the LOSS. feel it with every inch of your being, deni, honour the pain

i don't need to say 'she will come soon' because i know she will... so for now i say - i love you and you are always so strong, so tonight let yourself be frail and just *feel* your feelings. let it all hang out. you're in a safe place to be able to do that.... shake your beautiful fists at the sky and grieve for your hopes.. then kiss your gorgeous man tomorrow and breathe again... thinking of you
me xx

May 24, 2006 at 5:03:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

ohhhh...

i wish i knew the right thing to say.
but instead, i am backspacing
more than i am actually typing.

because there is no right thing
for me to say, i don't think,
except that you are right to
put your emotions out there,
not to be fixed but to be out there...
no longer self contained.

my mom always told me
that things will seem better
in the morning...

i hope things seem brighter
for you in the morning
and i send you all the hugs
i have today.

May 24, 2006 at 5:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

I am grieving with you. Just let yourself be sad today. If I were there, I'd bake you a batch of warm chocolate chip cookies and we'd sit there and get sick eating cookies and milk together. Sometimes things just don't make sense.

May 24, 2006 at 6:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger maggiegracecreates said...

i cry as i read
because
i have been there
realizing that once more
it didn't happen

molly and abby are both teenagers now. but i remember how awful the time was before.

you beautiful woman, please take the thoughts, prayers, and love from those around you. allow them to strengthen you. allow them to comfort you. you don't have to be strong all the time. take time to cry. to grieve. take time to be hurt and angry.

all of the emotions you feel are valid. and acceptable.

i send my best to you as well.

May 24, 2006 at 6:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Maddy said...

when i read all your posts
i feel the mother in you
- it is a destiny you will
realize
-the most important seed is
planted - the seed of
intention and love...

your baby will come.

May 24, 2006 at 6:57:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Den,

I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt and most of all that this is happening. I think you are brave to just sit with your loss and pain and let it have it's moment so that you can move past it. Is Carsten home with you again, I hope so.

I know you will have a baby. I am just sorry that you and Carsten have had to endure this first.

Here if you need me.
XO-Leth

May 24, 2006 at 7:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amy said...

Tears. Such a heartfelt post, love. My own heart is so full for you and your husband. I love that you're letting yourself feel this to the core. Just breathe...

May 24, 2006 at 8:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Damn it! Damn it! I am so angry- angry that you have had to make that step into fertility treatments, angry that you had to be disappointed.

I hate saying I know, I know the depth of disappointment.

For me there is an actual physical manifestation of inner tumbling as I wrestle with trying to have the right attitude, somewhat afraid of allowing myself to grieve, as if it will suck me into a depth that I won't come out of. I am proud of you for giving yourself that.

I have always tried to brush it off and be hopeful for the next try-putting on a fake front, for my loved ones and myself. In some ways I think this is what drove me to moving to more and more aggressive fertility treatments so quickly. I too felt there was a limit to how much I could endure.

Continue to follow your heart-do what feels right to you in the moment, continue to be honest about what you need, but know, not everyone will understand-try to be patient and explain it again, or stop going to them to get what they are unable to give. I had the hardest time realizing that some people, even though they loved me, just couldn't understand and without meaning it, made me feel my feelings were irrational.

I love you Deni my darling.......I will be thinking of you today with my soul reaching out to hold your hand....so many miles away.

Hugs and kisses
Thea

May 24, 2006 at 8:12:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Beeb said...

Oh Sweetie, how I feel for you and your husband. You are strong to allow your inner being weep out loud... I see only good things to come.

I have felt only a taste of what you have experianced. We are not completely trying but I know that feeling of "maybe you're here" and finding out otherwise. How wonderful would it be to go through this journey together, if luck would have it that way?

I send love and hugs your way.

May 24, 2006 at 8:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Elaine said...

When we were trying to conceive our first child... lets just say I hear you and have cried bitter tears as my friends got knocked up and my womb remained empty. It's one of the hardest emotions I ever had to work through.

Now, with my second child, she showed up when we weren't expecting her, so you just never know!

Lots of baby dreams heading your way.

May 24, 2006 at 8:56:00 AM PDT  
Blogger M said...

Oh sweetie,
My heart goes out to both of you and I'm sending big hugs. I don't know what to say, words probably won't help, but thank you for being so honest and so real...it's truly an inspiration for all of us.

May 24, 2006 at 9:03:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

my dear sweet friend, my heart holds you today, right now, as you read these words...my heart is holding you. i am sorry that you are going through this grief, this hurt...and i love the way you know tomorrow will bring new insight, but sometimes the only words that work are: this just sucks my friend, it is what it is, and it just sucks. (i need more eloquence i suppose, but this seems to be the phrase that is simply true.)
healing energy is coming your way.

May 24, 2006 at 9:05:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous amystery said...

You are such a rich soul, I am awe struck at your ability to put this into words, to put it out into a public space in order to help let it go. That deep well of strength is what will get you through, of that I have absolutely no doubt. I'll be sending you lots of letting go thoughts today, and of course lots of love...

May 24, 2006 at 9:18:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Pattie Polakow said...

D-

May the God of great provision of all that we are, all we are to be and have, BLESS you this day... giving you just what you need. I love you.

Pat.

May 24, 2006 at 9:19:00 AM PDT  
Blogger ESB said...

hi...i've been "lurking" and reading your blog for a while now...i just wanted to say that though my situation has been different, i do know how TOTALLY wrenching and painful it is to want to be pregnant and a mother so badly, and for so long, that you can't see straight...i am FULL of compassion and empathy...if it's any consolation, i personally know a big handful of women who were actually told they couldn't get pregnant, and then went on to have multiple healthy babies...one of them is pregnant with her 3rd now....it's all a very mystical process...

May 24, 2006 at 10:45:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Fern said...

I cried as I read about your grief and pain. With your words and openness about your own feelings you put me in touch with my own grief that I have tried to push down about my own desire to be married and have a family of my own. You made me realize that it is not something I am ready to give up on.

You also helped me understand my own Mother and her struggle to have children that I always kind of scoffed at because she has never been a very emotional person. But YOU once again have planted a seed of emotional growth in me. But today is not about me today is about you. I grieve with you and hope my words and the love of the sisterhood holds you and carries you until you can stand on your own again.

May 24, 2006 at 10:56:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucille said...

Dear, I am grieving with you today. I know where you are---I've been there. I cried each time I got my period. It all feels so mysterious and out-of-control... and it is! I, for one, like to be in control, and as each month passed, I got sadder and sadder.
I am praying for you, and sending you wishes acorss the miles for good solid strenght deep down and a boundless hope that what is meant to happen will, in its right time, and what is happening has a meaning to it...

Thanks for sharing with us. We are here holding your heart...

May 24, 2006 at 11:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

beautiful girl, i see you. i hear you. i acknowledge your pain and your grief. i let my heart fill with tears for you. i sit beside you in your pain asking nothing from you but that you simply be...be exactly where you are...and i will hold your hand, not trying to take it away but just sitting with you in the silence of your hurt

love to you brave, honest, hurting, beautiful one!

May 24, 2006 at 11:18:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stef said...

My heart is with you.

May 24, 2006 at 11:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

boho,
although i am far away, today i will think of you and your dear husband and keep you with me. i wish you were closer so i could give you a massage and let my linens soak up your tears. instead i'll send a cybermassage and some serious cyberhandholding. i'm here for you, thinking.

nina

May 24, 2006 at 11:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger abigail said...

Hey lady

Sending you lots of love from over here. Cry out loud but don't give up hope. I will wish for you...

Sending you a lovely hug

Abby x x x

May 24, 2006 at 11:48:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous b/sis said...

Honey~ my arms are empty of your body, but full of your grief. I embrace your grief with you.

Give yourself permission to be angry about this day, this temporary day. Carsten too.

When you go to bed~ breathe in the coming of the new morning. Embrace these words, "Sorrow lasts but only the night, for joy comes in the morning"

The God who loves you most, who crafted you with beautiful gifts, who guides your path, who saves each tear that falls, embraces you this day.

Your very name is etched on the palm of the Almighty's hand. Rest~breathe~rest~breathe~know~breathe.

You and those you love are surrounded in light. The darkness is far far away. You are bathed in gifts and gifts are bathed in you.

And now my arms are filled with you.

May 24, 2006 at 12:04:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

Boho - Wow. Your blog continues to amaze and astound me. You're so open and honest and everyone who reads this is sending you good thoughts and wishes, including me (I'll rub my belly for you too!)

Lucky Candice

May 24, 2006 at 12:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

(((((Carsten&Boho)))) I am saying prayers for you two! My heart goes out to you! xooxoxox, Cinda

May 24, 2006 at 1:48:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I'm grieving with you, sweetheart. I won't give advice or tell you to have faith. I DO know that you are SUCH a brave soul, to go after what you want again and again--to risk.

I wish I could help, do something to help you carry this ache. But all I can do is offer my friendship, and so I do.

I am thinking of you, hearing you, hoping to help you shoulder the disappointment.

xoxo,
Mon

May 24, 2006 at 1:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sike said...

Poor BG. It's beautifully brave of you to share your pain, love, and frustration with such grace and fortitude.

I certainly hope that your as-yet unborn little one graces you with their presence in the near future. I'm an optimist, so I'm optimistic for you.

May 24, 2006 at 3:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

You are an angel.

Your words are so beautiful. Even when you are in pain... when your heart is shattered briefly... you share it in such a manner that no-one could possibly feel sorry for you. To actally pity you.

Because you are YOU. You are gorgeous. And that in itself is such a gift. How can their be pity for such beauty. There is not.

But there IS sorrow and anger.

Geez that is one stubborn little bubba you will have soon. *Grin*

I love you Goddess of truth and compassion. Start being a little more demanding *big grin* tell that bubba to hurry up!!

Big hug, kiss and love.
Bek x

May 24, 2006 at 4:13:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

hey babe,

hearing you and honouring all of you.

holding you and letting you feel all of it.

love you
xoxoxoxo
loney

p.s. me and bek send loving vibes from canberra, aus ~~~~

May 24, 2006 at 4:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger my pink sky said...

cradle your heart and your pain and your anger...hold it close and let it guide you into the morning light of the new day. just hang on...your miracle is around the corner.

(((hugs))) mindy

May 24, 2006 at 7:18:00 PM PDT  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

My sweet girl. I know exactly how you feel! I have been going through the exact emotions you have, with pain, tears, mixed emotions. One minute I am completely fine with the moment..the next, random thoughts of 'this is never going to happen frustration! I am there for you...anytime you need me. Maybe this is why we have found one another!

May 25, 2006 at 12:58:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Sally said...

I cried and couldn't finish your entry as it brought back so many memories for me too. Three years it took me to get pregnant. 20 fertility cycles. Injecting drugs in to my body in the oddest of places. Finally at 40 years old I delivered my precious baby. I always believed he would come although I prepared myself for him not. Deep in my soul I knew. Best wishes on your journey. For me it seems an eternity ago and I can barely remember the hard times. You can endure this, it will end in happiness. Kia kaha (stand strong)

May 25, 2006 at 1:10:00 AM PDT  
Blogger andrea said...

I am so sorry hon.
a.

May 25, 2006 at 6:08:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous chele said...

oh my darling~

i can't find the words...for you my tears flow & my heart breaks. but the sorrow is mixed with the ongoing hope that soon this pain will be a memory & that all our prayers for you, your hubby, & this preciuos unborn soul will be answered.

peace to you my love, a peace that surpasses all understanding.

love ~ chele

May 25, 2006 at 10:50:00 AM PDT  
Blogger cityfarmer said...

His mercies are new every morning.
Standing with you in faith.
You WILL be rewarded.
AND you will be a blessed and revered mother.

May 25, 2006 at 11:39:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

I am grateful for each one of you that have reached out to me during this time.

Your gentle words, understanding, prayers, meditations have brought joyful tears to my eyes.

I feel you all circling. I feel your hands holding mine and your warm arms wrapped around me.

Healing is in my heart.

Thank you so, so much.

Boho

May 25, 2006 at 3:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sarah said...

We all need time to grieve when we experience loss. And, not conceiving is a form of loss. It is important for you to feel your grief. I also went through this and when I finally became pregnant, I had to keep reminding myself it was real, seemed too wonderful to be true. I still remember my first ultrasound at 10 weeks. It is the oldest form of magic, the truest form of magic, creating life. And I have complete faith that you will soon feel that magic within you. ((HUGS))

May 25, 2006 at 3:16:00 PM PDT  

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