This morning I woke early to such a heaviness in my heart. It hurts. Another month full of hope and anticipation and even more expectation than the other 19 months prior to this. Now that we have entered the phase of fertility treatments, the hope seems more, the anticipation more, the expectation higher, I suppose. I didn't realize it would also mean the more grief I would feel if it didn't work.
There are days when I can let go. Really let go and not try to make sense of it. Days when I feel grateful of the time I have available to me to do as I please with my business, my life and I take full advantage of the freedom of my husband and I being alone. Days when I don't question and just trust, have faith, believe our baby will come when its ready. Days when I don't allow negative energy about this process to spill into me. Days when I have a great knowing within that it is soon...I will be a mother soon.
Then there are days like today. Where I feel like I am grieving for a soul that I thought was nestling in my womb and turns out wasn't. A soul that I feel a deep bonding with through meditations, dreams, intuition and just that "gut feeling" that yes...I really think I am pregnant this time.
Oh how I feel tired. I wonder if I can gather the strength to do this again. I feel as though gathering this strength is nearly impossible. I feel angry at the tricks my heart and mind play on me. Today I just can't go beyond the pain to find the deeper meaning in all this. Today I just want to curl up into a little ball in the curve of my husbands chest as he spoons me. I know he tries to be strong for both of us but I can feel it wearing on him deeply. He feels everything too.
I know I am in good hands with my new doctor and my acupuncturist. I can almost hear their voices telling me right now not to give up, that we're just beginning, that we'll just keep moving through this until our baby comes. So I'll say here what I will be too shy to say to them when I make that call telling them we have to try again:
I know, I know...but it hurts, damnit. It hurts. I don't want you to fix it for me in this moment. Just let me feel this pain so I can let it move through me in and out, away from my heart. I am confused and scared and angry and full of sadness and grief. I know it will happen someday. I know I need to have patience but please don't shush these emotions because you are scared for me and don't know what else to say. Just validate my feelings. I know tomorrow I'll wake up refreshed and renewed with more insight and a clear mind but today I am full of a heaviness that is taking every ounce of strength that I have. So I cannot be today what you want me to be.
Yes...tomorrow is a new day but today, it just hurts and putting it all here in this space is part of the healing process for me. We will get through this. We always do.
Little one...I know you are out there. I just wish you were in here.