Do you ever have those days when you just feel angry?
I don't have them very often because in general, I have a positive outlook on life but today feels different. I am having a particularly sensitive day in regards to wanting to be a mommy. Fear again is creeping itself into my psyche and those "what if's" are pummeling into my head.
We went for a drive around the beach today and every other woman I saw was pregnant. I found myself squinting my eyes at them in envy. Is this some cruel joke? Oh, the ugly emotions that surface now and again on this journey. Not so fresh. Especially to those innocent, beautiful expectant mothers that are oblivious to the pain I feel. My spiritual side wants to honor their own journey and bow in their presence but the scared child inside wants to run.
So yes...when my husband went into a smoothie place and I was left alone in our bussy, I had my own little boho pity party. All those usual thoughts pouring out..."what have I done to deserve this?" "this is not fair...women who don't want babies get pregnant, crack whores get pregnant by mistake and here I am healthy, organic, wanton...what is up with this??"
Blah, blah, blah...tears flowing, fists to the sky and then after it is said and done, my chest moves up and down with deep, cleansing breaths. As I sit in silence and listen to myself breathe in the aftermath, I usually end up giggling to myself while wiping my tears onto my sleeves.
Pity parties don't happen very often but when they do...sometimes that release just feels damn good.
I would love to hear some positive affirmations from you folks out there in bloggieland. I believe in those and sometimes when two or more come together, miracles happen.