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Saturday, June 24

pity party


wah!

Do you ever have those days when you just feel angry?

I don't have them very often because in general, I have a positive outlook on life but today feels different. I am having a particularly sensitive day in regards to wanting to be a mommy. Fear again is creeping itself into my psyche and those "what if's" are pummeling into my head.

We went for a drive around the beach today and every other woman I saw was pregnant. I found myself squinting my eyes at them in envy. Is this some cruel joke? Oh, the ugly emotions that surface now and again on this journey. Not so fresh. Especially to those innocent, beautiful expectant mothers that are oblivious to the pain I feel. My spiritual side wants to honor their own journey and bow in their presence but the scared child inside wants to run.

So yes...when my husband went into a smoothie place and I was left alone in our bussy, I had my own little boho pity party. All those usual thoughts pouring out..."what have I done to deserve this?" "this is not fair...women who don't want babies get pregnant, crack whores get pregnant by mistake and here I am healthy, organic, wanton...what is up with this??"

Blah, blah, blah...tears flowing, fists to the sky and then after it is said and done, my chest moves up and down with deep, cleansing breaths. As I sit in silence and listen to myself breathe in the aftermath, I usually end up giggling to myself while wiping my tears onto my sleeves.

Pity parties don't happen very often but when they do...sometimes that release just feels damn good.

I would love to hear some positive affirmations from you folks out there in bloggieland. I believe in those and sometimes when two or more come together, miracles happen.

28 Comments:

Blogger jen said...

here are some oodles and scroodles of good vibes coming your way. i believe in the miracle of affirmations, too.

June 24, 2006 at 7:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger a m y said...

Oh, my lovely, this doesn't sound like a fun day. I think that we all have our moments when we don't understand what the hell the universe is doing, and the ugliest days are when we feel as if we are being slapped in the face over and over again by that reality. I am both sad and glad for your tears--sad that they happened at all, but glad that they functioned as a release.

The perfect baby will come at the perfect time, and it will be amazing. Your time is coming, and when it does, it will be magical and amazing and more incredible that you can dream. I am confident of that.

Love, peace, hugs to you...

June 24, 2006 at 9:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

See this for your answer to why junkies etc fall preganant...

http://rebeccageach.blogspot.com/2006/06/hey-jude.html

I love you babes... keep your chin up... it WILL happen.
Bx

June 24, 2006 at 11:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

deni ovaries you are beautiful.
deni ovaries you are loved.
deni ovaries you are creating the perfect home for a soul.
deni ovaries you are admired.
deni ovaries you spill over with waterfalls and sunsets and oceans and rivers and earth and tall redwood trees, this is how fertile you are.
deni ovaries you are the divine inner mirror of mama gaia, mother earth.
blessed be the python goddess who lives with in you, awakening.

love you honey,
i truly do,
leonie

June 25, 2006 at 12:02:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

oh my sweet friend, i am so proud of you for getting your pity tears out and sitting in the emotion, so proud that you got those uncomfortable feelings OUT of your body where you could look at them. you know i'm holding a candle for you and your little babe in my heart - she is on her way to you and C, i know this without a question. sometimes the journey is the most important bit - when you and i are sitting in that pub, me with my wine and you with sparkling water (cos, you know, you'll be pregnant) then we will be laughing at the mysteries of the universe and how you had a bumpy ride but now you're *glowing* (and probably a wee bit morning sick)... and you will be, monkey, i know you will. you're just being asked to be a little bit more patient while your beautiful child prepares herself for her journey to you..... she's coming, oh yes she is... i love you
x

June 25, 2006 at 2:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

As you see by my previous comment, and my blog entry... I was contemplating the exact same thing myself... why is it some women fall pregnant so easily when others stuggle some??? I dont know!

But I do have a theory about your journey... and that is that you have a stubborn little soul on its way to you and your lovely hubby.

And by my calculations... that is a few months away.

So in the meantime you are to get yourself ready to welcome this stubborn {but TOTALLY adorable} bubba into your lives.

For this baby will test you. And you will need to be a tough cookie with her (and you wont of course *big grin*).... She will be the exact soul to compliment you and Carsten. Perfect.

You gotta REALLY feel all these emotions that are swimming about, and let them out. As you are doing.

So it will not be long now my beautiful bohemian blossom.

You will be a Mama.
And did I already mention ~I love you~?
Bx

June 25, 2006 at 3:10:00 AM PDT  
Blogger my pink sky said...

oh deni, i know how this feels, the bitterness, the sadness, the anticipation, the worry, the envy, and the guilt of trying to keep a smile on your face through it all, but needing that pity party so badly! honor all those feelings, even theugly ones and
let your soul weep...
let your heart bleed...
let your mind wish...
let your let your dreams wash over you...
let time heal...
let loved ones comfort you...
let the light shine on no matter what...hope will be the safe harbor your baby will come home to.
(((hugs))) mindy

June 25, 2006 at 4:33:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto the all of the above. I don't know if I have any positive affirmations of my own to add because I'm in a similar boat as you (trying to get pregnant, and seeing nothing but pregnant bodies everywhere). It's very difficult. I empathize.

Have faith!

June 25, 2006 at 7:25:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucille said...

My heart breaks for you---as my own heart was broken for many years. The envy is natural, you can't help it, it all seems so easy and right 'out there' and you feel so dark and alone... BUT... as the others wrote above, the child of your heart is out there somewhere... it's only a matter of time. I KNOW.. I do..

But it is so hard to wait in the moment. So cry those tears. They are cleansing---

I hold you in my heart.

Lucille

June 25, 2006 at 7:38:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

my dear sweet friend...i wish for you moments of laughter and joy...small moments to feel the happiness in your life. but i also wish for you moments where you sit in the quiet and let the feelings wash over you, until the run out of your body and into the earth. find the breath in your body love. take a breath and find the space you create around your heart. breathe again. create more space. and invite whatever you desire/need to come into this space. i wish you peace and love my dear.

June 25, 2006 at 9:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Pity party girl overhere too!

Just like you I don't let myself go there too often but find myself in the center of it sometimes-letting it be is the fastest way to get it to pass-don't you think?

Well now I try to remind myself of two things when I see pregnant women and feel pity- 1. I don't know what they had to go through to get to that point in pregnancy-maybe they had IF treatments and have had complications 2. There is not a limited amount of baby spirits to go around-their pregnancy does not reduce my chances of getting pregnant in the upcoming cycle. It may seem crazy but I think this is part of what gets me-as if "god" is only blessing 20 woman to get pregnant and is throwing them randomly out into the crowd-each woman who catches it reduces my chance...

I am rewriting you an email that I deleted right now....

Love and hugs......

June 25, 2006 at 9:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger megg said...

sweet boho, there is not a question in my mind that there is a tiny life waiting to join you. I know it, I believe it, and I am holding a small place in my heart to wish it for you. Be gentle with yourself in the meantime. It's okay to be jealous and sad waiting for things to happen. Pity Parties are a great invention. they release the sad and the tension. I believe it will happen my friend. I KNOW IT. sending you love, supportive hugs, and sweet, deep breaths. xoxo

June 25, 2006 at 11:22:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous b/sis said...

Wow Den...re-read colorsonmymind!!!

That was incredibly said...let it sink in. Really sink in...

I am in pain for you, my love.
I plead the heavens on your behalf.
You know I do.
I see the child...your child.
I wish that you could see what I see.
So very peaceful...very peaceful.

Big sister advice??? Scream out loud what you are feeling! Grab a pillow and yell into it. Get it out...guilt free. Then put on some really happy music and have a cup of tea. Give me a call and I'll listen to whatever you want to say.
I love you so so so much!

***hug*** and here <#> your guilt free pass to feel anyway you want...I promise.

xx dar xx

June 25, 2006 at 12:09:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous annax said...

I read this with tears in my eyes. I feel so guilty and badly for even leaving a comment, but I wish you the magic that I have had in my life. I was one of the lucky ones who fell pregnant over and over, without even trying, and regardless of being protected. I wish this for you. For you and your husband to feel the amazing magic of carrying a baby under your heart and under his hands. I often get feelings of premonitions, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will, you will. Whenever I think of you I get this great sense of love. Please hang on. Let your tears be the tears of joy. Your dreams shall be made into reality as your lovingly run your fingers over your tummy and speak softly to your growing baby in your tummy. You will Denise. I wish it so much for you, that I am nearly bursting!

My sister was told that she'd never have children, there were problems on both sides, with her and her husband. She now has 3 sons, all conceived naturally and miraculously. It will and can happen....

Sending you love! x

June 25, 2006 at 12:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Dana said...

I don't know if I have any positive affirmations, but I want you to know I feel for you. I really do. I agree with that others have said: This will happen for you.

June 25, 2006 at 1:02:00 PM PDT  
Blogger deirdre said...

I don't know anything specific to say, nothing that will take some of the pain away. I was there too and sometimes still am. My heart will hold you.

June 25, 2006 at 3:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

sweet boho,

please don't think it is something you have done. You are obviously a wonderful woman. Things don't make sense. I have wondered those same thoughts that you mentioned. I have had the pity parties and waved my fists at the sky, claiming blessings that should be mine. The only thing I learned from that is that it doesn't work. Patience, friend. There is a lesson that only you will learn, and it will make your life better. Eventually. I believe that you will become a mother, I only wish it could have happened months ago. Have faith. Take courage. Stand tall. I will unabashedly beg to God from New Hampshire for you. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Love to you

B.

ps--you have my winess that miracles happen

June 25, 2006 at 4:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Jamie said...

You deserve bliss.
You are made for love.
A baby would be blessed to find a home in you.

June 25, 2006 at 5:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Potato Print said...

Hi boho,
Here's my affirmation for you. "I am open and receptive to a miracle in my life." Say it every time you see yourself in a mirror. Breath deeply and make room in your soul for the miracle. The reflection of heaven only comes to the calm, placid lake.

I'm so so sorry for your suffering. It's so cool that you reach out instead of balling up on the couch. You will become a mommy and you will be great. I can tell from your blog.

I so related to your fierce telling of seeing all of those pregnant women. You are a good writer.

June 25, 2006 at 6:02:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous samantha said...

Oh, honey. You don't know me well, but I fall in love with you a little more everytime I click over to your blog!

I don't have to tell you how good it is that you want to scream at these sweet innocent pregnant ladies, because you're facing your anger and fear and grief. I'm praying that all the mother love this mighty universe holds will bless you with the desire of your heart. It will happen. I love bek's thoughts that your child is out there, biding her little stubborn time!

There are days when I think I can't wait another moment for a son or daughter of my own. I am with you, sweet, strong woman!

June 25, 2006 at 8:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

once again we meet at this moment. You are sad and my heart breaks because of that. I share the same days as you, mostly kept on the inside. Even from my husband. Please don't give up, I won't!!! Its going to happen, one day, might not be tomorrow but one day soon...

June 26, 2006 at 12:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

i absolutely adore what Goddess of Leonie wrote, so i'm going to second that and just let you know that i am here, hearing you.

June 26, 2006 at 4:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

sending all my good luck
pregnancy vibes
as hard as i can...

i wish i could make something
to make you feel better..

hugs...hugs...hugs...
:)

June 26, 2006 at 6:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger andrea said...

Oh hon, I am so so sorry. It's ok to have a pity party. I would! Please know how many people are cheering for you and sending positive thoughts your way. You and the hubs are amazing and will be blessed accordingly...maybe just not on our time schedule.
Hugs,
a.

June 26, 2006 at 10:00:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous krista said...

Boho, you are going to be such a rockin mama, and when it happens (which it WILL) I will bow in your presence. (Even if just metaphorically)

Your body is strong and healthy. Your child already has a personality, and he/she will come to you when he/she is ready. He/she is just waiting to choose you.

June 26, 2006 at 2:26:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know I hear you. I feel the same on some days.

Sending love,
V

June 26, 2006 at 3:13:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And isn't it crazy, as a woman who has made a careful and conscious choice NOT to parent, I am constantly bombarded by women with small children everywhere I look. And on a daily basis barraged by the child-having who would devalue my lifestyle choice, challenge my decision, attempt to reverse it, and all but flat out tell me they think I will never experience the "joy" they feel or the meaning of life they've discovered should I not bring life forth into the world. Life can be so twisted, eh.

June 27, 2006 at 12:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sike said...

Good stuff will happen, BG. It just will. Not much consolation to a fist shaking at the sky, but it'll come.

June 28, 2006 at 12:46:00 PM PDT  

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