Thursday, July 13

what lies within us

painting on my wall by andrea scher, canon digital rebel xt

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Emerson

I realized today that I have been struggling with the tug of war between Faith and Fear in regards to this journey I am on. I am grateful for the reminder hung on my wall, sent to me by a dear friend. Now I just need it tattooed on my body where I can see it at all times! Kidding...I think.

I know what I need to do. I need to visualize the positive outcome. I need to live as though YES I already am pregnant. I need to focus on all the other aspects of me...my business, my art, my writing, my relationships. I need to just know that it will happen. All this comes down to having Faith.

I struggle with this because yes, the majority of the time I do all these things and yet still feel the need to protect my heart. Because time and again, I did all this to the point where I convinced myself I was indeed pregnant in that moment and to find out I wasn't, felt like a true loss. That is where the Fear comes in. I am afraid to feel that loss again.

Although I am still caught up in the middle of the tug of war between the two, I can feel the pull towards Faith getting stronger. The more I lean towards Faith, I am learning ways to release the Fear. I still give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel in the moment so that I can move through those emotions, rather than tuck them away so that they can resurface later.

I am learning what lies within me is quite strong and steadfast because I am not a quitter. In the tug of war, in my mind, I am definitely on Faith's side.

This week, let's search deep into what lies within us and get behind me on this rope. With our feet dug firmly into the ground and our hands tightly wound...you better believe that Faith is going to win!

ps. I am going to Canada for a week to be with the hubs family. Will see you next Wednesday!


Blogger gkgirl said...

hope you have fun ...

wish you were coming to
part of canada,

July 13, 2006 at 6:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

I can feel the pull very strongly.

I feel this shift in you too.... faith is outwaying any fear.

I hope you have some perfect news to share with us next week.

And if not ... you keep the faith sweets. Hold onto the knowing that you will be a Mama soon.

I love you.

July 13, 2006 at 6:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Driving back from a trip today, I too came to a point of awareness that "what lies within me is quite strong and steadfast because I am not a quitter".
I am behind you girl...digging deep and pulling with all my might.

Pulling together....faith will win out...

Loving you dearly

July 13, 2006 at 7:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

I'm right there too Boho gal! and GODSPEED! I miss you already! lol love and prayers for Carsten and you! xo

July 13, 2006 at 7:39:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"in the absence of fear"...that's exactly how that song kept me afloat. listen and believe :)

July 13, 2006 at 8:13:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hye, maybe all those positive vibes I always try to send you will get to you more easily since you'll be in Canada! I'm thinking of you.

July 13, 2006 at 8:22:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

Sissy~ I hurt when your gone :(

but...have fun and take some relaxing walks...put your hand on your belly and close your eyes and give it love...faith will follow

remember the definition of Faith~ it is the substance of all things that are unseen

you do not need to see to believe, so know that your blind faith is strong and even though you don't see us...our faith is still united with yours.

angels around you my love~ I'll be missing you

give C my love
xxxx dar oooo

July 13, 2006 at 8:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger tara dawn said...

What perfect timing...just what I needed to read today, my own battle between fear and faith weighing heavily upon me. Different context, but same war waging within.
How strong and positive you are...your words full of hope and courage...knowledge, faith!
Have a wonderful time in Canada...I look forward to reading more of your deeply touching words.

July 13, 2006 at 9:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Yolanda said...

I know it will happen for you just keep the faith and have a wonderful time in Canada.

July 13, 2006 at 9:21:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had the issue of motherhood on my mind tonight and then came across your post after i had processed some of my own thoughts on my blog -- i felt it uncanny that we were writing about the same issue, albeit opposite sides of the coin. i am sending positive energy your way and hoping you receive the news you've been hoping for very soon...

July 13, 2006 at 9:42:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! Life indeed is fear versus faith. It's an ancient truth that really hits home. Living in faith can sometimes be difficult because you have to be able to give up control over certain situations.

You're really growing here, we can all see that.


July 13, 2006 at 9:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lita said...

Have fun in Canada. I am going to Vancouver the end of this month! You are NOT a quitter, have faith my sweet one!

July 14, 2006 at 1:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger abby said...

"...Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." - Roald Dahl

Believe beautiful girl, that what you wish for will come to you. It will, don't worry. Enjoy the time you have in Canada and release the tension you hold inside, make some room for that little person...

Lots of love xxx

July 14, 2006 at 2:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger meghan said...

I'm dug in! Have a wonderful week! A little Canada can be good for the soul ;) See you next week!!

July 14, 2006 at 3:38:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

pulling for faith...yes. digging in my heels and pulling with you...

have a safe and happy trip my dear.

love and hugs,

July 14, 2006 at 4:14:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

I'm on that rope with you baby , all the way :-) faith is such a beautiful word - i'm going to write it on a post-it note and stick it on my monitor to remind me.... i'll miss you :-( xxx

July 14, 2006 at 5:01:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have fun boho!!
Though i'll be very busy this weekend I WILL MISS YOU...

{sending angels to you, too}


July 14, 2006 at 6:30:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sending all of my positive energy sailing towards you. I know you will find your Faith...you will get your hearts desire. I believe so much in you.

xoxo, M

July 14, 2006 at 10:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger M said...

What powerful words, I can feel your growing faith oozing out of my screen.
Have a fabulous time up here in Canada!! I'll miss you!

July 14, 2006 at 10:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stef said...

enjoy your time away my dear :)

love the painting by andrea!

July 14, 2006 at 11:50:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

thank you for the reminder!

see ya when you get back--be safe--have fun--know you are loved...

July 14, 2006 at 11:52:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Denise, I'm doubling down my blessings for you -- may a little seed blossom inside you, may it already BE blossoming inside you. Your beautiful outlook is an inspiration! Have a wonderful trip!

July 14, 2006 at 1:34:00 PM PDT  
Blogger a m y said...

This is such an honest, beautiful post. I am so proud of you on this journey...and I have absolutely NO doubts that Faith shall carry you through, darlin'. I'm behind you all the way!

Enjoy Canada, enjoy time with the hubby, enjoy time away from "real life"...just enjoy the journey...

July 14, 2006 at 10:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger art and soul said...

i like the idea of faith and living with the power of intention. i try to do that with my intentions as well. i guess the lesson is always that how things work out is how they were intended.

July 15, 2006 at 6:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Ruth said...

Found you through Susannah's blog. It sounds like we are going through something perhaps similar. I began to cry when reading this as I can find no one here who can relate to what I am going through. Almost everywhere I go I gaze at happy families with kids and wonder if someday that will be me... I am trying to arive at the mindset you describe here. I think positive thoughts can heal a lot. Maybe even enough to make what seems impossible, possible. I hope you have a wonderfully rejuvenating trip to one of my favorite places! xoS

July 15, 2006 at 8:26:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have a lovely trip, hold on to faith. may angels be with you always!

July 16, 2006 at 3:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Intrepidflame said...

The blogging community is a strange place. A few weeks ago I was writing my blog to no one at all, and now I have inched myself into a several communities. I am learning that some of these communities, like this one here, have been together for a while and many of you seem to be friends. So it feels weird to pipe into personal posts like this one, but I assume if you have put this on the Internet than there must be some kind of need to share the info.

As for your site boho girl, I can’t remember how I found it; I think I was just trying to find a non-political site, when I saw yours. Along with Poetry Thursday and the self-portrait challenge, I have found your honesty, artistry, and emotion captivating. I check in often to see what is going on.

I often feel like I am talking about things that people may not care about on my own blog, but reading about your trials and tribulations is making me realize that the personal can be universal because we all experience it.

Anyway, that whole intro was to set up this comment: I understand that you are trying to get pregnant. I am not sure how long you have been trying or how emotional the process has become for you. I also understand that sometimes it is bitter sweet to hear that someone has had a baby when you are still trying, but I just want to let you that you are right and that faith that you speak of will eventually overcome the fear. My wife and I went through the whole cycle of disappointments but eventually we just let the universe pick the time and give us a little baby girl.

The sooner you let go of the need to be satisfied and release the fear of being disappointed the easier it ill be to simply have faith. I wish you the best, and I look forward to reading more of your work and seeing what else you have in store for me.

As for the rest of the readers of Chronicles of Me, I have noticed some of you reading my poems and commenting on my self-pics. Thank you for allowing me into your world, I hope I will not disappoint.

July 16, 2006 at 4:26:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm on your side of this rope! Just about nothing is more empowering than knowing you're not alone in your battle. Keep the faith!

July 16, 2006 at 6:52:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Such a beautiful strand of thoughts--like little word-beads affirming your Faith. You are an artist with more than just paint, jewelry, and words. The way you're sharing your heart and this process of letting go of Fear is a gift to anyone who happens by. The lapsed Catholic in me recalls the feeling of the rosary beads rolling over each fingertip--that quiet longing to BELIEVE, that FAITH. Your writing here does the same for me...each piece another bead, another prayer for possibility. Thank you...

July 16, 2006 at 6:59:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i pray that faith will continue to grow in your heart & your soul until the day that your hopes & dreams come to life...literally!!

blessings on your head...(& your belly!)

tuggin on the rope with you~ chele

July 16, 2006 at 11:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Alex S said...

I can relate to this ALL too well- this internal tug of war between fear and faith- fear tends to need no help from me sustaining itself but faith has taken so much more effort and investment, patience and self-love, trust and self-kindness. You have a whole tribe of people holding you up and cheering you and supporting you along. Like Andrea Scher, I just know you are going to create what you need to as well. I don't know what that looks like just that your spirit is a bright and shiny one and can only attract more of the same to it so I look forward to seeing what (and who!) develops!

July 16, 2006 at 11:33:00 PM PDT  
Blogger *aimee* said...

I hope you are your hubby have fun and find peace and rest in this week.

July 17, 2006 at 2:50:00 PM PDT  

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