bedroom candles, canon digital rebel xt
I am not quite sure how this post is going to turn out. Perhaps because I am not quite sure what head space I am in. I can try to write my feelings out articulately but then I would be doing myself and you a disservice, since I am not feeling very articulate right now.
I sat here this morning reading my previous posts because I feel as though lately I am unable to connect my emotions to the blog world. I read that disconnection in the tone behind my words the last few weeks. I am usually so in touch with my emotions. So much so that it is overwhelming but that hasn't been happening lately.
I am trying to determine whether it is numbness I feel or if a depression has lifted or if I am actually truly happy or if I am in denial. Funny how those all can feel the same sometimes.
Since going to this new homeopathic doctor and being committed to this Eat Right for your Blood Type diet (that Thea is on as well), I feel as though my mind and body have been spinning. I have actually had something for my mind to focus on in regards to trying to conceive. For the past year, I have opened myself to allow others to take care of that with acupuncture, herbs and then later hormones, ultrasounds, blood tests and invasive procedures. My current doctor, for the most part, has put some responsibility back into my life and it has distracted me from the longing to conceive. I heard myself say to a friend on the phone yesterday..."I feel like getting my body healthy is first and foremost and making a baby is on the back burner...which feels so freeing." Did I really just hear myself say that? Is that truly how I feel? Or is it how I want to feel because my fear is taking over and protecting my heart from disappointment again?
Am I truly letting go and putting my energy into other things or am I just not allowing myself to go there emotionally? These questions were burning inside the latter half of yesterday.
Last night, I laid in our bed listening to my husband fall into a deep sleep. I noticed my brain was flying from thought to thought but none of those thoughts were about a baby. I turned to my side and stared at the candles lit on my side of the bed. I allowed myself to consciously think about a baby, our baby and how different our life will be with another little human being in our home. I then felt that familiar ache. I felt that missing deep down in my belly...and a tear rolled down my cheek. The same tear that is rolling now. I am almost relieved at those little vessels of feelings that pour from my eyes. I thought they were gone.
So, I suppose I am trying to find the balance between moving forward with this goal of detoxing my body, as well as, being in touch with my emotions that are at the heart of why I am truly doing this.
So if you have read a different tone in my previous posts, know that it is all part of this journey I am on. It is part of this process of finding my peace, of trust, of letting go, of holding on, of allowing others to help me and also helping myself. It's a dichotomy. It's conflict. It's life. It's just where I am right now.
I should stare at candles more often.