Wednesday, August 30

candle therapy

bedroom candles, canon digital rebel xt

I am not quite sure how this post is going to turn out. Perhaps because I am not quite sure what head space I am in. I can try to write my feelings out articulately but then I would be doing myself and you a disservice, since I am not feeling very articulate right now.

I sat here this morning reading my previous posts because I feel as though lately I am unable to connect my emotions to the blog world. I read that disconnection in the tone behind my words the last few weeks. I am usually so in touch with my emotions. So much so that it is overwhelming but that hasn't been happening lately.

I am trying to determine whether it is numbness I feel or if a depression has lifted or if I am actually truly happy or if I am in denial. Funny how those all can feel the same sometimes.

Since going to this new homeopathic doctor and being committed to this Eat Right for your Blood Type diet (that Thea is on as well), I feel as though my mind and body have been spinning. I have actually had something for my mind to focus on in regards to trying to conceive. For the past year, I have opened myself to allow others to take care of that with acupuncture, herbs and then later hormones, ultrasounds, blood tests and invasive procedures. My current doctor, for the most part, has put some responsibility back into my life and it has distracted me from the longing to conceive. I heard myself say to a friend on the phone yesterday..."I feel like getting my body healthy is first and foremost and making a baby is on the back burner...which feels so freeing." Did I really just hear myself say that? Is that truly how I feel? Or is it how I want to feel because my fear is taking over and protecting my heart from disappointment again?

Am I truly letting go and putting my energy into other things or am I just not allowing myself to go there emotionally? These questions were burning inside the latter half of yesterday.

Last night, I laid in our bed listening to my husband fall into a deep sleep. I noticed my brain was flying from thought to thought but none of those thoughts were about a baby. I turned to my side and stared at the candles lit on my side of the bed. I allowed myself to consciously think about a baby, our baby and how different our life will be with another little human being in our home. I then felt that familiar ache. I felt that missing deep down in my belly...and a tear rolled down my cheek. The same tear that is rolling now. I am almost relieved at those little vessels of feelings that pour from my eyes. I thought they were gone.

So, I suppose I am trying to find the balance between moving forward with this goal of detoxing my body, as well as, being in touch with my emotions that are at the heart of why I am truly doing this.

So if you have read a different tone in my previous posts, know that it is all part of this journey I am on. It is part of this process of finding my peace, of trust, of letting go, of holding on, of allowing others to help me and also helping myself. It's a dichotomy. It's conflict. It's life. It's just where I am right now.

I should stare at candles more often.


Blogger la vie en rose said...

candles have a way of bringing what has been resting in the dark to light...

August 30, 2006 at 12:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bronxbt said...

um... yep. still lerve you a lot.
i recall my unborn son and fiance a lot too. this i have to keep silent tho. my wifee feels or has at least expressed her unwillingness to combat that ghost of mine...

so too often i think of what could be. hardest thing is that Lisa was taken from my by a cruel homicide... i didn't know about my son until 2 months later.

thank gad for silent tears and long nights of reflecting.

August 30, 2006 at 12:16:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't imagine your body being unhealthy! hope that eat right for your type book helps out. keep your spirits up, for you will get what you wish for. you deserve it!

August 30, 2006 at 12:33:00 PM PDT  
Blogger SoulPony said...

moving around is a good thing. i think a blog should be this way. life is. nothing feels the same everyday. we will take up, down, side to side. just keep writing.

August 30, 2006 at 12:33:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

the fact that you're even able to wonder about the real truth of what you feel is a wonderful thing. some people aren't even that aware. ;)

August 30, 2006 at 12:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I really relate to this darling...as you know.

I love you

August 30, 2006 at 2:31:00 PM PDT  
Blogger a m y said...

This post is so beautiful, mostly because by writing this, you have become in touch with your emotions again. As I've walked my path of depression, divorce, etc., I've often stopped to ask: Am I really happy? Am I feeling OK? Sometimes, because I feel as if I "should" still be focused on what I have gone through, I almost feel guilty not putting more emotional attention there. Checking in with yourself means that you are undoubtedly doing the work! What I want to encourage you with is that a) allow your emotions to shift and swirl and flow in waves b) focusing on other things doesn't mean your attention isn't there---just that you're working on other things c) continue to envision what it will be like when you have a child. Thoughts become things (I know you've seen The Secret!) and you are doing everything right.

Love to you, and thank you for your honesty.

August 30, 2006 at 3:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Bohemian Girl...offering your whole heart here. This was incredibly touching to me. One of your gifts is in expressing the personal in such a way that it is transcendent for others. "...this journey I am on. It is part of this proces of finding my peace, of trust, of letting go, of holding on, of allowing others to help me and also helping myself. It's a dichotomy. It's conflict. It's life." Yes...it is, and I thank you for putting words to it.

August 30, 2006 at 3:50:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love your honesty, boho. i love the way you allow yourself to stay present -- even if you aren't sure how to label what you are experiencing...i love the way you share that process with us. i know i don't just speak for myself when i say that i learn a lot from you.

August 30, 2006 at 4:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

I appreciate your complete honesty with your feelings about this journey you and your husband are on. As an acupuncturist who plies needles and herbs to help patients with fertility issues, I appreciate hearing the other side, the emotional side that I'm not often privy to. My wish is to help and I'm so frustrated when I can't, when my answers aren't the answers that any of us want to hear. I don't know where I'm going with this......I guess I just want to say thank you for sharing and your honesty.

August 30, 2006 at 4:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Intrepidflame said...

Beautiful, heartflet post. I loved the last line:

It is part of this process of finding my peace, of trust, of letting go, of holding on, of allowing others to help me and also helping myself. It's a dichotomy. It's conflict. It's life. It's just where I am right now.

Keep your chin up Boho...it'll come

August 30, 2006 at 9:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

Hey... whatever you have to say is alright by me... you are on a massive journey.
And each day is a blessing.
We are all in this together.
This life.
Love you

August 31, 2006 at 3:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger claireylove said...

Well I second Delia in all that she has said. Today your self-awareness shines brightest, tomorrow another facet will dominate, often both will compete together. But for today,thank you for sharing your heart, your hopes, and your troubles, beautiful you. Love to you on your journey x x x

August 31, 2006 at 5:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

you have a gift of open-ness. I don't think that's a real word, but I can't think of another way to put it at this moment. to be open minded, open hearted, open to others and open to letting others see your open-ness.

beautiful open you.

August 31, 2006 at 6:30:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awwwww..... i adore that picture... i'll be back to read what you wrote honey, i'm busy now but wanted to say HI


August 31, 2006 at 9:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...


"There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term. "

-Friedrich Nietzsche

August 31, 2006 at 9:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

Hmmm, don't really understand Beeb's quote there.....

you are like a candle to me, sweetheart, burning gently and softly, but so very bright. you shine the light out... love you x

August 31, 2006 at 10:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger nina beana said...

ooooh. oh. hug.

check your mail for love soon- i hope it's another little candle for you.

August 31, 2006 at 11:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

I'm sorry. I did not mean to offend but I was looking up some infertility stuff and came across that quote.

What it meant to me was that someone that is highly creative and is full of life and spirit may be trying too hard to 'create' when it could just happen.

Please don't be offended. I just wanted to say something that might help... in other words, I should've just said, "Stop trying so hard. Let the souls that surround you- come.to.you. And they will."

Much love.

September 1, 2006 at 5:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Oh beauty I love you!!

I am struggling wiith swirling and conflicting emotions these days as well.

I am so sad that we are so far appart!! I wish we could grab Susannah and Thea and spend several hours drinking tea, staring and candles ans talking. I am missing you with my whole heart today!!


September 1, 2006 at 8:30:00 PM PDT  

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