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Thursday, August 31

minor setback


me, canon digital rebel xt

I had a minor set back yesterday. I received news from a previous coworker/friend that she was pregnant. I didn't expect it to rock my world...but it did. In fact, I was the one that reached out to this person because I had a dream that she was indeed pregnant. So, in my naivete, I sent her an email with the question..."well, are you?"

When I sent it, I felt that I was in a really centered space. After my dream, I was happy for her and curious as to how her path of trying to conceive was going. As I said in my post yesterday, I haven't been all that emotional lately. My moanful cries have evolved into a tiny tear here and there and then I move on. My focus has been this grand new path of holistic healing and diet change. I thought I was totally prepared for her answer.

So, I was a bit taken aback that when I read her response "yes...I am due any day now", I felt as though I had been side swiped. Not by her, of course. She is so very innocent and incredibly kind. When I came to the realization that it had only taken her a few months to conceive, the flood began.

All these old familiar feelings of fear resurfaced. Well, not just fear, mind you. Anger, frustration, confusion. It was two years this month for how long my husband and I have been trying. That might not seem long to some, but to me...it has felt an eternity. Especially since it was a year ago when we began all the tests and procedures:

Blood tests, sperm tests, exams, ultrasounds, x-ray's, tubes and dyes up into my uterus, herbal teas, herbal tonics, 20 supplements per day, acupuncture, massage, meditations, hormones, intrauterine inseminations...GEEZ. Putting all of this energy into this process on a daily basis and then have it not work is outrageously unfair. Then there are those that sneeze and get pregnant (like my sisters and everyone else in my huge family).

I don't mean this to be a "poor me" post, if that is how it is sounding. I have never been comfortable with negative attention in my life. It just helps to see it all in writing and remind myself how far I have come and how much we have endured. It helps me not to be so hard on myself when I have what I am calling a "minor setback" in my emotions.

I have amazing support in my life and it always pulls me through. In fact, one of my dear friends that walked with me on this journey and is now 6 months pregnant is visiting for a few days. I am hoping that will put a brighter perspective on this journey. She went through all that we have gone through and more, and is now enjoying her swelling belly...finally.

Another friend on this journey told me yesterday that it always took her a few days to get over the news of a pregnancy. So, I know I am not alone with these emotions.

I'll get through it and come out on the other end stronger than before. I always do. Like I said, this is a minor setback but to be perfectly honest...it just sucks.

35 Comments:

Blogger a m y said...

Oh darling...this is so honest and beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are not alone, and I know that the pain must be unbearable. It's OK to feel how you're feeling, so just be real and honest with your emotions.

And have fun with Andrea! I'm jealous!

August 31, 2006 at 3:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

Sweetheart Deni...
Geez that post completely sideswiped me too... you put your experience so well into words.

Its okay babes.
It is only natural you would feel a bit unhinged by this news.
Of course you are happy for *She and her unborn*
Only ~it does magnify your wanting and waiting~ just a little more.

I am so glad that Andrea is coming to visit... as you say she went thru so much also.. and *now* she is swelling with impending motherhood.

As you will too soon my dear heart.
You will too.
I love you girl.
I send you a big warm cuddle.
Bx

August 31, 2006 at 3:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

Oiw... and *rub that belly*
It works.
Trust me.
Bx

August 31, 2006 at 3:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger mairsy said...

This is my first time posting .... i've been reading your blog and journey for a while and it's so similar to mine....... I understand completely how you feel - Whenever i hear news of an impending pregnancy ( and nearly everyone i know in the past year has fallen pregnant - 2 best friends, 2 sister-in-laws, cousins, at least 6 other close friends!!!!! aaaagghhhh !) i feel so happy for them but at the same time so angry and frustrated. I know we travel on a journey in life and most times it's for a reason but seriously - i'm really finding it hard to work out the meaning behind this !!! Sorry for all my exclamation marks, I'm just venting my frustration through them. I'll be closely following your path and praying and thinking of you. xxxxx Mairsy

August 31, 2006 at 3:55:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous LB said...

It's kind of scary how much I can relate to everything you wrote here today. You are SO not alone in this. My husband often doesn't totally understand some of the negative emotions (jealousy, etc.) that have come up for me through this process, but believe me - we women are all more alike in this than we are different!

I think you are handling it all wonderfully... :)

August 31, 2006 at 4:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Dini said...

As you know, I've been there too and it does suck. I remember all too well how it feels to find out someone is pregnant after endless IVF cycles. It just doesn't seem fair does it. Everything you are feeling is normal and good for you but working through those emotions is exhausting. Hang in there!

August 31, 2006 at 5:23:00 PM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

give yourself the grace to be weak and hurt. give yourself room to grieve and feel the pain. i know you are strong. you show it here everyday. let yourself be weak too.

August 31, 2006 at 5:46:00 PM PDT  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

Hang in there. All of what you are feeling is soooo normal.

I have a vivid memory of being at work and finding out that a friend of mine was pregnant with her second. With both she had gotten pregnant the first month she had tried. (I was on miscarriage number 3.) I left work and went for a long walk around the block. I was angry angry angry at the injustice of it all. I was frustrated. I was sad. It hurt and I still remember it to this day. I wanted to be happy for her, but all I felt was ick.

(Side note - I had my baby boy placed in my arms a few months later [via adoption, as you know] six months before she even had the baby! Little did I know...)

Stay true to YOUR journey, it won't look like anyone elses, and that is okay.

August 31, 2006 at 6:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

Just let yourself be angry about it...it DOES suck. Grieve, get angry, and then remember that we're all here for you, praying and sending positive vibes and KNOWING that you'll get what you and Carsten want so badly. Let us have enough faith for you, for a while.

xoxo,
Mon

August 31, 2006 at 6:49:00 PM PDT  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Sometimes its hard to accept the emotions that surface in the face of news that is unexpected. It's good that you are allowing yourself to feel all that you are, good that you know it's all part of the process. It does totally suck.

August 31, 2006 at 7:03:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your journey is interesting to me because mine is the exact opposite. I am struggling daily to accept that I do NOT want children. Ever. This is what my heart and intuition tell me. Yet daily I'm confronted with pressure from every angle telling me I'm wrong, I'll change my mind, my life as a woman will never be complete without motherhood. But every bone in my body tells me NO. When I learn of friends/acquaintances pregnancies now, I sink and all I can think is "another one bites the dust". I have "lost" so many friends to the ever busy and important world of parenting. It is interesting to hear about the path of wanting something as strongly as I am not wanting it.

August 31, 2006 at 7:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger deirdre said...

Being blind-sided by emotion is so hard to cope with. I hope you give yourself lots of care and affection as you walk through these feelings. I'm sending hugs to you and tenderness for your heart.

August 31, 2006 at 8:24:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

I'm not sure why you and your husband are going through this, but you are handling it really really well. Just acknowledging your feelings and knowing that this is a journey I find very courageous. Hang in there - sending you good thoughts and wishes and prayers.

LC

August 31, 2006 at 9:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

This does suck and it's okay to 'feel'...

I feel it with you, for you.

I love you and Carsten and send angels of comfort to surround you and bring you peace.

Later...be merciful to yourself and bask in the brave grace that you wear like clothes, my love

xxx xxx dar

August 31, 2006 at 10:22:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

and then there's September! I'm sad too thinking of YOU and Carsten, lots of prayers are being said! ((((Denise&Carsten)))) XO

August 31, 2006 at 11:10:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bb said...

your posts over the past two days have really meant something to me, that struggle between positive visualisation and addressing the 'true' undercurrent feeling, the worry that sometimes surfaces (a lot in the past few days) that my positive visualisation for the future may just be another form of denial.

like you i am learning to accept all of myself, all of my feelings, however contrary they run, and finding the strength to harness this into what i really *want*

i do know that what you are going through 'sucks', and i see that you bear this with grace. the way that you give space to 'listen' to yourself inspires me. i wish for true fulfillment for you on your journey, beautiful boho.

x x x x x

September 1, 2006 at 1:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Your beauty is so breathtaking. This photo captures my heart darling.
Perfect match to the post that does so as well.

You are on such a good path.

loving you

September 1, 2006 at 1:42:00 AM PDT  
Blogger my pink sky said...

XXXXXXXX
OOOOOOOO
XXXXXXXX
OOOOOOOO...
and there's more where that came from :)

September 1, 2006 at 5:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i cannot imagine
how hard it must be
to want something
so badly
and try so hard
and feel denied...
you have the right
to a wide range of emotions...
thinking of you...

September 1, 2006 at 5:42:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Henna said...

Infertility is so tough on a person's soul. Take comfort in your friends and family and know that it just takes a little longer for some of us. Good luck.

September 1, 2006 at 7:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

as i think you know, i am a big fan of the phrase "this just sucks." yes. yes. yes. sometimes that is the truth and those are the only words. platitudes and all that stuff are so not helpful. nope. yes, this just sucks my dear. and i hope it doesn't suck for too much longer.

i have to admit that my first thought was about how incredible it is that you had this dream and it was true. your ability to tap into something on another plain...your intuitive-ness is a true gift my dear.

sending you hugs and love and big mugs of tea and laughter and pretty painted toenails and bursts of color and peace.
love to you,
liz

September 1, 2006 at 9:35:00 AM PDT  
Blogger red sun said...

i'm so so sorry! i was hesitant to post because i just posted today about a friend of mine who just gave birth to her daughter. it seemed so inappropriate and ironic, after i read your post.

but i just wanted you to know that i'm here for you in this sucky mood. although we're not experiencing the same things, you're certainly not alone. your feelings are felt by all of us who read.

namaste, boho.

September 1, 2006 at 10:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

you are so courageous for feeling and acknowledging all your emotions, no matter how badly they "suck". that is why i admire you and love who you are- i'm sure all these other lovely souls feel the same way.

September 1, 2006 at 10:57:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

I am sending you psychic hugs through the internet :)

Minor setbacks do suck... but you are strong and like you said you will come out stronger. Being able to feel all this and acknowledge it is so important. You and Thea are very inspiring to me with the eating for your type thing you are doing... I am seriously considering it now... God knows I need some serious balancing right about now in my life.

Much love to you!

xoxox

P.S.

You are beyond gorgeous in this portrait!

September 1, 2006 at 11:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

you are never poor-me in your posts, love, just honest and real and truthful. and we all respond to that. i hope you have a wonderful time with A, and find comfort in your shared journeys and paths... i think this is my most fav picture of you so far, my little beautiful monkey friend :-) xx

September 1, 2006 at 1:33:00 PM PDT  
Blogger ruby said...

i wish i could reach through this screen and give you a big, reassuring hug. your emotions are as they should be, boho. i just wish they didn't have to hurt you so much. i continue to keep you and boho-hubby in my thoughts & prayers...

September 1, 2006 at 7:24:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Sweety...first have to say, that is one of the most beautiful pics of you I have seen...and I've seen a lot! Can you email it to me???

I love you honey pie and am so soorry!! I just sent you an email with all my thoughts.

Love you so much. Sending you tons of positive vibes. Phone chat this week ok??

((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))

September 1, 2006 at 8:25:00 PM PDT  
Blogger megg said...

hi Boho! I've been out of the loop lately so when I opened this post and saw that GORGEOUS photo of you I smiled & remembered how much I like coming here. Beautiful girl, never think that you are being 'poor me.' You are going through a serious journey right now. No matter what you are feeling or thinking it is okay, valid and necessary. No one can be expected to go through all that you have - the fierce invasions of your body and soul - and not have some introspective moments. You know I believe that this is going to all end in a incredible family. I will keep a happy thought and a prayer for you. It will all work out. I know it!

take care of you!

September 2, 2006 at 12:57:00 PM PDT  
Blogger christina said...

So sorry. But just think, some day in a few years from now when your little guy or gal is smearing his/her peanut butter hands down your lovely new shirt, this will be such a distant memory. It will be. I know in my heart of hearts that you are going to be the perfect mother for someone. Trust in that. And be kind to yourself.

September 2, 2006 at 4:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

dear pumpkin. this journey is not easy for you. and you are so close to it right now, in this moment. i love andrea's question of "how do you need me to be?" and "what helps?". do you think you might tell us? i have a friend who has been trying to have a baby for two years and just had her third miscarriage in that time. i want to be a good friend to her, but i need your advice.
i love you, babygirl.

September 2, 2006 at 8:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous bonnie said...

I appreciate your openness and honesty with your emotions. While I have never been pregnant, I am in the health care field, and can tell you some horror stories about food and water in America. I don't know the particulars of your test results, and in the absense of major problems, cleaning up your food and water, for both you and your husband, can make a significant change, and dramatically increase your chances of conceiving. Eating whole, organic foods, no processed sugars, no alcohol, avoiding glutens (oats, wheat, rye, and barley) will change your body. Toxins affect our bodies in many ways. This, too, can change. And don't drink the city water! I am sure that you don't want advice from someone you don't even know, but there is hope. I went on the Blood-type diet for a while. There really is no evidence of its effectiveness, other than it gets everyone away from processed foods, and processed sugars. Feel free to email me if you have more questions. And good luck!

September 2, 2006 at 9:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amy said...

Just when you think that you've got everything under control, you're hit by a wave of emotion that you thought had been safely tucked away. I resonate with much that you have said and we are on similar paths.

I've missed you, love. It's been difficult for me to get back into blog world, but my absence is not a reflection of how I feel about you. When life it too hard, I run.

I love you...

September 3, 2006 at 12:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

I thank each and every one of you for spilling open with support, love and encouragement.

I have tucked away those sacred gifts you have given and placed them in my heart.

You are all gems...all of you.

xoxoxo,
Boho

September 3, 2006 at 10:31:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

hey dearheart,

i've been thinking of this for a couple of days now, formulating what i wished to speak. :)

your words remind me of the spiral. when we go through life, we hit a speedbump, feel it, consider it, deal with it as best we can, reconcile it. down the track a little we hit the speedbump again. i know when i hit the speedbump i think "farrrrk, why am i here AGAIN! i thought i'd dealt with this before!!! i thought i was OVER this!" now i realise that we move through our life in spirals. when we come to the same issue again, we are moving through it on a deeper level, with newer understanding and consciousness. we become more aware as we move through the spiral, moving through things on a deeper level each time.

i just wanted to share this with you as that's what came up for me when i read your words :)
moving through things on a deeper level.

with love and joy!
Leonie

September 4, 2006 at 5:22:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Gwendolen said...

Hi, my name is Gwendolen and although I am a stranger to you I understand how you feel immensely. I found your blog through superhero and I just wanted to tell you that there are some of us out there who truly "get" all of what is involved in trying for a baby. You really aren't alone. Big hug to you!

September 26, 2006 at 9:36:00 AM PDT  

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