my emotional self

boho, canon digital rebel xt

I hesitated to post another self portrait of myself this morning, concerned that it might appear to those who don't know me well that I am riding the vain train. That is not what this is about for me. Although I am not following the rules of Liz's self acceptance meditations with a mirror every day, I am participating in a way that is also satisfying the creative girly in me. Does Boho ever follow the rules anyway? That's okay...I know Lizzy loves me for that.

Rather than starring in a mirror, I am trying to capture my emotions with a camera that are real, raw and not posed. It is easier for me to do this with a lens rather than starring in a mirror because without watching myself immediately, I feel free to be expressive without having to deal with my watchful eye. Once all of the pictures are uploaded, that is my time to absorb all the facets of who I am and embrace the parts that are challenging for me to accept.

For me lately, it is not so much about trying to accept the new lines, freckles, lumps and bumps (and they are there...trust me), but it is more about me trying to accept my emotional self. It has been a crazy ride for us the past few years and I have been diving into feelings I never knew existed in this heart of mine.

As my sister's and parents have always said to me, I have lived under this "lucky star" where things, people and events have just come into my life that were absolutely extraordinary. I haven't had to work really hard for something to happen and therefore, never had to face the scary reality that something I want really bad might not ever come to fruition.

Well, this journey to conceive threw me on my ass and taught me a thing or two about working hard for something you want. I am grateful for it, so grateful for the lessons. My eyes have been opened. I am having to learn patience, trust, faith in a way that goes against what feels natural for me. I have dove into depths of pain, anger, frustration, depression that I never thought possible for my positive, lucky~star self.

So, along with all of you beauties on the amazing journey in front of the mirror accepting and embracing your reflections, I am over here on this side, in front of the lens, accepting my new emotional self.

Perhaps next month I'll move over to those other bits. One thing at a time for me.