protecting my heart

orchid from Thailand, canon digital rebel xt

Today my emotions are at the surface of everything. They are always there but perhaps play a behind the scenes role during my days. Today they are center stage. So my job as the manager of my emotions is to encourage them to play a soft, ethereal, languid song rather than the high pitched rough noise that I hear right now.

This is always a tender time for me. The days leading up to the knowledge of whether or not we have conceived. I've spent the days previous in a positive mind frame. I meditate on what I desire and I envision myself with a swelling belly at Christmas around my family. I try to truly feel those emotions of joy, pride and gratefulness that all is well in my womb.

But these next few days during my cycle I feel a natural protection mechanism around my heart. Something inevitable as a result of month after month, after almost two years of what I envision not yet coming to fruition. I try so hard to push that fear, that protection aside but it resides within me. So, I am trying to figure out a way to welcome it into my world while still remaining positive and hopeful. I am learning. Forever learning.

I want to find that balance between protecting my heart, yet at the same time allow myself to feel the thrill of impending motherhood, without worrying about the disappointment that may come.

If any of you have any words of wisdom, snuggles, comic relief, I am open. Feeling protective...but still open.

I am off to turn down the rough noise and turn up the gentler tunes in my head.