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Wednesday, August 9

protecting my heart


orchid from Thailand, canon digital rebel xt

Today my emotions are at the surface of everything. They are always there but perhaps play a behind the scenes role during my days. Today they are center stage. So my job as the manager of my emotions is to encourage them to play a soft, ethereal, languid song rather than the high pitched rough noise that I hear right now.

This is always a tender time for me. The days leading up to the knowledge of whether or not we have conceived. I've spent the days previous in a positive mind frame. I meditate on what I desire and I envision myself with a swelling belly at Christmas around my family. I try to truly feel those emotions of joy, pride and gratefulness that all is well in my womb.

But these next few days during my cycle I feel a natural protection mechanism around my heart. Something inevitable as a result of month after month, after almost two years of what I envision not yet coming to fruition. I try so hard to push that fear, that protection aside but it resides within me. So, I am trying to figure out a way to welcome it into my world while still remaining positive and hopeful. I am learning. Forever learning.

I want to find that balance between protecting my heart, yet at the same time allow myself to feel the thrill of impending motherhood, without worrying about the disappointment that may come.

If any of you have any words of wisdom, snuggles, comic relief, I am open. Feeling protective...but still open.

I am off to turn down the rough noise and turn up the gentler tunes in my head.

29 Comments:

Blogger Romina Bacci said...

OK.
it's going to be funny i guess...

i just don't know why, but today i had a phrase in my head, the hole day, and i felt i'd already known it. now after reading your post i remember, it's a phrase you've written in an old post. i'm sure you are going to remember it. listen:

"whatch me grow"

so i'm telling you this, whatch YOU grow, in every possible meaning.

i'm watching you grow...

-love-
-love-
-love-

August 9, 2006 at 5:16:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amystery said...

As I rode my bike home this afternoon there were butterflies everywhere, all over the road, drinking tenderly from the puddles. For several miles I felt like i was riding in a cloud of butterflies. I am sending them to you to build a protective fortress around your heart with their fluttering wings.

love to you....

August 9, 2006 at 6:15:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Teresa said...

Here is the story I know:

My sister and husband tried for over 10 years to conceive naturally, it just didn't work..then they decided to conceive by adoption--they adopted a beautiful baby girl from Korea, and then a few years later again they adopted a baby girl from Korea. And poof just like that my sister became pregnant. She had a bouncing baby boy through natural childbirth.

It is one of many stories that happen to women after they adopt. Maybe the womb, and body get so relaxed and preoccupied with other things that in all of their trying to conceive naturally the mind forgot, the body relaxed and it just happened.

I have seen the pain and the heart aching from not conceiving through my sister--and now I have a bloggie sister who I can pray hard for and send all the positive thoughts your way. It can happen!!

Much love,

Teresa

August 9, 2006 at 6:22:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

thank you so much for your love and support here, everyone.

i just wanted to share that i am open to your wisdom but please don't say to someone trying to get pregnant that relaxing might help. someone said that to a friend of mine trying to conceive the other day as well. as much as i know that advice is coming from really good, heartfelt intentions, it is probably one of the worst things someone can say to a woman trying to conceive and having difficulty doing so.

trust me...i have never been more relaxed in my life. meditating, yoga, quitting my corporate job to start my own creative business, working from home, etc.

to hear something like that always creates a feeling that we are doing something wrong. that we are the cause of all of this. that is difficult to hear when you have altered your life in such a healthy way.

i hope this doesn't sound harsh in any way. that is not my intention. it wasn't directed at anyone who commented here. my intention is just to inform you and is all part of protecting my heart.

bless you for your understanding.

love to you all,
boho

August 9, 2006 at 7:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger SwirlyAnge said...

Beautiful boho....
I've been popping into your blog for a little while now and thought it was about time I say 'hi!' I'm at the same stage in my cycle....feeling emotional and raw. Reading your words I could feel my tears start - as they do easily at the moment! I am so in awe of your honesty and strength in your journey to motherhood. I'll be sending you lots of love, and keeping my fingers, toes and everything else crossed for you.
Ange xo

August 9, 2006 at 7:29:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Teresa said...

Umm, yeah I am guessing your comment was pretty much directed at me because I said relaxed. Just for clarification I really had no intentions of that coming off that way...my story was just one of my sister's journey and trying to understand the meaning of it all. A story of one women's journey into motherhood that had to take a different approach.

Please accept my heartfelt apology as I know very well the firsthand about trying to get pregnant. I would never intentional say or do anything to make someone feel bad.
Best of luck to you and your husband.

Teresa

August 9, 2006 at 7:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Surrounding you with Angels to protect you and guide your heart wherever you may be.

Know that you are LOVED continuously, thought of often, and cherished by all who know you.

And...in my heart I am singing..."you're a sweet sing baby..."

you know how it goes...:)

love you sugar buns...dar

August 9, 2006 at 8:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

Teresa...bless your heart. Here is a warm hug. You've been an amazing support to me, as well as my big sis.

Forgive me if it appeared I was lashing out at you specifically. I am a sensitive little bunny right now. I know your intentions were to be supportive and I appreciate that so much.

Being that I am protecting my heart, I just wanted to send out a gentle request to other future commenters that I am not up to hearing that advice.

Please try not to take this personally. I think you're amazing and have been touched by you.

Love,
Boho

August 9, 2006 at 8:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

There are two things that seem like common stories people share with me when I speak about my infertility.

-how someone adopted and then suddenly got pregnant

-how someone decided to stop trying and then bam got pregnant-so I should try to stop worrying about it and if I relax I will get pregnant

I know that the stories are well intended-meant to give me hope, but they feel like a criticism or a nudge toward resignation.

It is hard to say that especially to well intentioned loved ones-it is only to protect our sensitive hearts.

Teresa-you are sweet and caring and I am happy for your sister.

Loving you den

August 9, 2006 at 9:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger my pink sky said...

open mind.
open heart.
open arms.
the rest will come...
just you wait :)

August 9, 2006 at 9:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

with love and light ~~~~~~~~~
leonie

August 9, 2006 at 9:18:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Paloma Negra said...

You have such a beautiful spirit.....the child you will have will be blessed. Sending you warm and positive thoughts.

August 9, 2006 at 9:25:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Yolanda said...

You know my thoughts are with you and Thea. I know it will happen for you. I pray for you both daily that it will happen.
Love the photo.

August 9, 2006 at 9:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger ruby said...

boho,

i am sending warm thoughts to you & your husband in hopes that you receive good news soon. my parents tried for several years before they were able to conceive...but they did and eventually had three healthy pregnancies resulting in three healthy babies. i really believe in my heart that it will happen for you, and i am hoping that the day will be sooner than later...imagine what bloggie-celebrations we'll have when we finally hear your good news! hugs...

August 9, 2006 at 9:39:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous chele said...

oh my darling...

i have no words of wisdom or advice. all i can offer are words of love & prayers for you, hubs, & the little bebe (or bebes) that you will someday snuggle close!

they will be blessed to have the two of you as parents whether they come from your womb or from your heart. (i tell my stepson that he was a bebe in his mama's belly & a dream in my heart)

praying that there will be joyous news soon & that peace will be upon your heart until then.

blessings on your belly!!

love chele

August 9, 2006 at 11:22:00 PM PDT  
Blogger a m y said...

beautiful, lovely one. i have not been on your journey with you for very long, but i am so attached and think of you so often. just the other morning, i awoke slowly and found my hands on my belly, and my thoughts went instantly to you...i sent you love and light and peace. i know you are loving yourself and doing all that you can to bring your baby into a loving home. i send you blessings, and wishes and love to protect your heart while still remaining open. i admire you for being so forthright about your emotions and the fact that they are at the surface. your feelings are so natural. remember...you have enough, you are enough, you do enough. you are exactly as you should be and this process is perfect just as it is. love to you, and boho boy and to the perfect soul that is waiting to call you mommy. such a lucky, blessed little person! mwah! a big hug and warm tea and a good sleep and lots of sunshine!

August 9, 2006 at 11:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger twistedsoda said...

time is everything, it seems the more you want something, the harder it is to get. I feel what you do, every step of the way. Its hard not to give up, it just becomes less painful each month. Just let yourself breathe, let yourself BE. Just give in to yourself. It will happen!

August 9, 2006 at 11:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

sending you warm wishes of love, hope, and joy my dear.

i am enveloping you in a deep, lizzy hug.

August 9, 2006 at 11:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

thinking of you
and wishing for the best for you
and hoping
and sending hugs and
giggles...

xo

August 10, 2006 at 4:51:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous krista said...

ok- here goes:

When we were having trouble conceiving George I used to think that maybe the powers that be were working so hard to make the perfect creature for us in our own unique family that it was taking extra time. Sometimes I'd comfort myself in thinking that these "powers that be" were just collecting information about us, so they could match us with a unique human who perfectly suited us.

You just can't rush that kind of work.

Two years is so long Boho, so many cycles of hope and disappointment. Maybe its an extended training ground for the super human level of patience motherhood demands. I don't know why some people endure painful waiting and some don't- it certainly seems unfair.

Still, I believe that you perfect baby is in the works. He or she is a magical, amazing creature that is just taking a really long time to form in the physical world.

My heart feels so close to yours boho. I can't wait either- because you will be an amazing mama.

August 10, 2006 at 4:51:00 AM PDT  
Blogger BZ said...

No stories, no advice.
Simply good luck and best wishes.
Sometimes love from a stranger may be just what the universe needs to manifest a new life. Maybe in your belly.

Great shot of the orchid by the way....

August 10, 2006 at 7:15:00 AM PDT  
Blogger maggiegracecreates said...

my prayers of love and support are there too. I have no words of advice, because everything I might say felt empty. I remember the fear. The need to protect my heart. Only those who have been there truly know.

So all I have to offer is my prayer.

August 10, 2006 at 7:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger bronxbt said...

hi.
found you thru sarah's site.

i have 4 things i can offer you:

first, you wanted smiles and laughter. Protective soul or not right now, my silly site brings it to many. so, check out my profile and goto fuzziechadsrule anytime to smile. If you want to participate, Mondays-Tues are VOTING opps for yer fav, Wednesdays are results, and Friday's are flashbacks of previous winners.

2nd - my friendship. i'mma nice guy, happily married, and love meeting new people. some VERY important friends in my life have been met over the past 2 years via this blog-world!

3rd - a compliment. I love your site. your pictures. your artistry. i'm also an artist, something seen on my 3rd blog (i'mma little addicted) somethingsketchy. maybe we can inspire each other to create!

4th - a bunny, 'cuz in times of need, who wouldn't wanna bunners?

(\ /)
(o.o)
(< >)

August 10, 2006 at 9:00:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

love and longing for you and your family from way over here. can you feel it? put it in there with the gentle tunes and let it add to the harmony.

xoxo
B.

August 10, 2006 at 9:44:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

O sweet pea.

Take care of your fragile heart. Do what ever you need to to hear the sweet music of your emotions and not the racket.

Know that you are surrounded in love. There are so many of us visualizing you with your baby. Helping you create this, drawing it to you by the Secret ways.

Love you pumpkin, let me know if I can be of any help to you.

XoXOXOXO-Leth

August 10, 2006 at 10:34:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

no words of advice...just want you to know you are seen and heard. a delicate dance between the two...

August 10, 2006 at 11:15:00 AM PDT  
Blogger penelope said...

Sending you all my warm, hopeful vibes... My prayers are with you!

xo

August 10, 2006 at 11:50:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous leonie said...

I found your blog through my soulsister the goddess of leonie (i'm a leonie too). I am thinking of you and your journey and wanted to share this with you...

--
Goddess of Balance

I AM CONTENT IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

Use this gift when ever you notice that you are discontent with the way things are. Try believing that things are the way they are for a reason you do not yet know. It may not be possible to maintain this belief at all times, but strive to return to this state whenever you are feeling discontent.
--

Trust that the universe has a plan for you and that a child will happen for you when the timing is P E R F E C T.

With love,
Leonie

August 11, 2006 at 4:24:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bek said...

All I have is SNUGGLES... a thousand million squishy snuggles with your name on them.
One day... I will snuggle you and your babe.
Bx

August 11, 2006 at 5:17:00 PM PDT  

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