Thursday, September 28

letting go

pamela's garden, canon digital rebel xt

I've been a bit quiet lately. Truly sitting with my thoughts and following their lead down to a path were answers are found. How often to we spin through life, not allowing ourselves to slow down and find a sense of clarity to our emotions?

I was talking with a dear friend today about the meaning of "letting go". I heard myself say to her that I feel myself letting go in regards to conceiving our child. Something shifted in that moment. In the past, I may have accepted that answer and kept moving forward in the conversation but today I said to her..."lets talk about what I really mean by letting go."

I still think about being pregnant every day. I still want a baby with all of my being. I still feel emotions stirring when I walk by a mother holding her infant. My husband and I still roll around in the sheets the 3 days I am ovulating. I still meditate and envision our sweet child in our life. I still go to my holistic doctor to get treated for fertility. I still take the herbs and supplements he suggests.

To others, this may seem like I am not really letting go.

What I am letting go of is my need to control the outcome. My mind is no longer set on it happening this one particular month. I am not only eating a special diet to create a healthier womb for a baby but also to have more energy while I play tennis with my husband. My mind is not consumed with fear that it will never happen but is filled with hope that it will...someday. My thoughts are full of my dear new friendships, my family, my business, my creativity.

So, when I say I am letting go...I am not letting go of the desire for a child but I am letting go of controlling the idea of when. This is HUGE for me. It is huge for anyone going through (in)fertility because sometimes in the midst of so much fear, all we have left is our ability to control what is tangible to us. What I realized is that conceiving a child is not a tangible thing to control at a certain point. We (and our doctors) can only do so much and the rest is left up to nature.

This "letting go" to me is something so very spiritual. So difficult to put into words. I cannot really pinpoint a moment or the exact shift within but it has happened and I am relaxing in the quiet peace of it. The hush of no more negative voices of fear.

It will happen. I will be pregnant and I don't need to know when.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Having been in your shoes I am so so so happy to read this post. (((Hugs)))

September 28, 2006 at 7:12:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there is such beauty and wisdom in this post...and while i don't pretend to know what you and boho boy are experiencing, i want you to know that i gather strength from the wisdom of your words and apply them to my own life...you are a force, dear one, and i continue to whisper a little prayer for you & hubby every night...

September 28, 2006 at 7:20:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Deirdre said...

What sweet relief this must be, to let go of the fear and fierce immediacy of the longing. That's when magic happens.

September 28, 2006 at 8:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bronxbt said...

every one of my friends who have ever experienced difficulty conceiving have in turn become pregnant once they've STOPPED the painful and traumatitic testing and waiting and worrying, etc.

good on you.

my bestest wishes,


September 28, 2006 at 9:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Shaz said...

Oh sweet thing,
My Blessings and Prayers for you you and yours will be sent daily.
Your inner strength is evident and your wisdom of yourself is elequent to say the least.
our its just a matter of when.

xoxox Shaz

September 28, 2006 at 9:42:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is SO HUGE, Denise. It's bizarre to me that we are in exactly the same mental place right now. I don't have anything else to say about it. I'm just soaking and pondering...

September 28, 2006 at 10:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

Letting go is a good thing Boho sweetie and also being quiet... that's where I am right now, being quiet***sweet dreams***

September 28, 2006 at 11:06:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been reading your blog for some time...
last night you were in my dreams and you were the mommy of the sweetest little boy! he was beautiful, loving and kind. he was playing with my son and we sat around talking about your journey, it was SO real.

you have a precious life and much love to share, it will happen for you. all in good time my dear.

life is so mysterious!

peace & love~

September 29, 2006 at 3:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger britt said...

i am in a similar place. i wish us both what we would love in life...timing or not

September 29, 2006 at 4:59:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Holding the quiet spaces with you here where I am...

September 29, 2006 at 6:50:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wise decision my friend...

sending angels to both of you :)

love- ro & billy

September 29, 2006 at 7:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

letting go of the need for control
sounds like a good thing...
sending all the best wishes
and good luck
i can...

September 29, 2006 at 9:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

letting go of control, not desire...i like that...i'll be mulling that over all day today...

September 29, 2006 at 9:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

Letting go is so spiritual and not easy. It is a major life change and philosophy. I am so happy for you that you are able to achieve it, that you are living it!!!

I think it really brings peace to the heart.

I am going to try to model your behavior :)

Love you munchkin!!

September 29, 2006 at 11:09:00 AM PDT  
Blogger nina beana said...


so deep sister.

September 29, 2006 at 11:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger mint and orange said...

so peaceful and enlightening.
this can certainly apply to many parts of our lives. letting go... being at peace... i'm so happy to read that you've come to this place.

September 29, 2006 at 12:19:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kristine said...

Sounds like a good place to be!

September 29, 2006 at 12:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Pouring tears*****

words can do no justice to the peace, joy, honor I feel knowing you and having you as my journeying partner-not just in fertility but in life.

You are so cherished and dear to me beautiful girl.

I am right here with you darling....right here....not only is it a great place to be...but to glance over and see that you are right here too....oooooh it is delightful.

Loving you

September 29, 2006 at 7:25:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

this is so beautiful my dear friend. you are shedding the layers. letting go. oh this fills my heart with joy.

September 30, 2006 at 9:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger alex said...

Ah! Letting go...a big one for me too.

I see a great deal of warmth and exuberance in your images. When your special little spirit finally decides to come out of the dreamtime he/she will be a very happy child!

October 3, 2006 at 11:37:00 AM PDT  

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