letting go

pamela's garden, canon digital rebel xt

I've been a bit quiet lately. Truly sitting with my thoughts and following their lead down to a path were answers are found. How often to we spin through life, not allowing ourselves to slow down and find a sense of clarity to our emotions?

I was talking with a dear friend today about the meaning of "letting go". I heard myself say to her that I feel myself letting go in regards to conceiving our child. Something shifted in that moment. In the past, I may have accepted that answer and kept moving forward in the conversation but today I said to her..."lets talk about what I really mean by letting go."

I still think about being pregnant every day. I still want a baby with all of my being. I still feel emotions stirring when I walk by a mother holding her infant. My husband and I still roll around in the sheets the 3 days I am ovulating. I still meditate and envision our sweet child in our life. I still go to my holistic doctor to get treated for fertility. I still take the herbs and supplements he suggests.

To others, this may seem like I am not really letting go.

What I am letting go of is my need to control the outcome. My mind is no longer set on it happening this one particular month. I am not only eating a special diet to create a healthier womb for a baby but also to have more energy while I play tennis with my husband. My mind is not consumed with fear that it will never happen but is filled with hope that it will...someday. My thoughts are full of my dear new friendships, my family, my business, my creativity.

So, when I say I am letting go...I am not letting go of the desire for a child but I am letting go of controlling the idea of when. This is HUGE for me. It is huge for anyone going through (in)fertility because sometimes in the midst of so much fear, all we have left is our ability to control what is tangible to us. What I realized is that conceiving a child is not a tangible thing to control at a certain point. We (and our doctors) can only do so much and the rest is left up to nature.

This "letting go" to me is something so very spiritual. So difficult to put into words. I cannot really pinpoint a moment or the exact shift within but it has happened and I am relaxing in the quiet peace of it. The hush of no more negative voices of fear.

It will happen. I will be pregnant and I don't need to know when.