peace

in candlelight, canon digital rebel xt

I woke up this morning to grey skies and a bit of a chill running through my studio. Some might be a bit depressed by this but I am so grateful. I long for Fall...my favorite time of year. I love to snuggle in scarves and comfy sweaters. I crave the cool, crisp breeze brushing up against my face. When I lived in Berkeley, it was the dream climate for me. Overcast in the mornings and evenings and the sun peering through the clouds during the middle of the day. I lived in a tiny box of a studio apartment at the top of a Victorian home. My place was an attic long ago. I found that so charming. In the mornings with my hands gripping a mug and the steam of java misting my face, I would stand and stretch tall to see the golden gate bridge through the top of my window. It was hardly a spec but I still felt honored that I could watch the morning fog drift from this lovely red structure.

The last few days I have felt such a peace about this journey of mine. The kind of peace I would feel those mornings in Berkeley. Last week there was a bit of a hiccup as you all know and I was concerned that it would send me spiraling down into darkness again. Then an angel came to visit me and with her gentle superhero powers, lifted me up and gave me wings to fly. Not only me actually, but Carsten too. He was blessed by her presence and encouraged that we will hold our own babe soon.

I have heard myself say to my family and friends in the past "I know I'll be pregnant", but I think it was my own way of trying to convince myself in the midst of serious doubt. I must say that when I speak those very words now, I mean it with such comforting certainty. I am even having dreams about being pregnant...actually feeling the babe in my womb.

The wonderful shift that has transpired is that I am no longer attached to "when" this will happen. When going through those fertility procedures, so much was invested (financially, spiritually, emotionally) that if it didn't happen that particular month, it was so devastating. Now that we are back on the road of holistic/homeopathic, my attachment to timing is being replaced with a hope that it will happen when my body is healthy and my baby is ready to come into our life. I know so many loved one's told me this but we all know that it takes time to believe such things.

Now I get to pour my energies into my up and coming online boutique. Through my depression this past year, it was difficult to gather energy to create beautiful things for my boutique. But my energy is back and I am flooded with ideas on how to express, through my creations, the messages of hope I want to share with my potential customers. If all goes as planned, I should open my store by November 1st. There is much to catch up on. There will be necklaces, prints of my pastel drawings, as well as prints of some of my photography. T-shirts will come shortly thereafter but may not be ready by November.

I am now going to focus with the hopes that the peace I am feeling will be interwoven throughout my creations.