celebrating pity

dahlia, canon digital rebel xt

I'm always surprised at the roller coaster that is this journey of mine. You would think after two years I would have this down pat. My emotions, that is.

October marks the two year anniversary since we've been trying to conceive. Today it hit me quite hard. When I realized this, I sat on a silk cushion on my couch and wept. I had a conversation with God that went something like..."is this what you wanted? are you happy now? are you finished punishing me yet?". As I heard myself say this out loud, I actually laughed at the same time. Tears and laughter. Hey...you need to have some fun at your pity party.

And then it dawned on me. Yes. A Pity Party. I will give myself one today and celebrate like mad! So, I went out to Whole Foods to buy myself a bouquet of my favorite flower (dahlia). After I trimmed, cut and put them in vintage bottles throughout our home, I washed my teary face and got ready to take a coastal drive. I rolled down the windows so the ocean breeze blew through my messy ponytail. I blasted "Just for Now" by Imogen Heap and sang at the top of my lungs. Over and over and over. I had a few people pass me in their cars, smile and wave. I felt like yelling out to them..."care to join my pity party?!?!?"

I then stopped at my favorite store, Anthropologie and tried on all of the most expensive pieces of clothing. You know those pieces. The ones that could pay for months of your groceries. I befriended a sweet old soul who worked there. She was 20 years my senior, had long grey braids and the most amazing style. I told her I was celebrating my pity party today and she said with a warm knowing smile..."I know just the thing to help you celebrate". She brought me so many cute garments to try on. I kept tearing up each time she'd knock on my door. She never questioned why...she just spread the love with more and more clothes. We had fun and she didn't expect me to buy a thing. Although I did. From the sale rack, of course. A brand new pair of cargo's with ribbons for a belt. Every party needs at least one gift.

I then came home, took a long shower and did a facial. Once I put my wet hair in braids, I went downstairs and made myself a gluten-free Hawaiian pizza. I ate the whole thing with a kitty on each side while surrendering myself to a dreadful brainless Hollyweird film. It's been a rough few years and darnit...I deserved this!

It almost makes me look forward to the next pity party but I'll settle for celebrating a miracle instead.