Wednesday, October 4

celebrating pity

dahlia, canon digital rebel xt

I'm always surprised at the roller coaster that is this journey of mine. You would think after two years I would have this down pat. My emotions, that is.

October marks the two year anniversary since we've been trying to conceive. Today it hit me quite hard. When I realized this, I sat on a silk cushion on my couch and wept. I had a conversation with God that went something like..."is this what you wanted? are you happy now? are you finished punishing me yet?". As I heard myself say this out loud, I actually laughed at the same time. Tears and laughter. Hey...you need to have some fun at your pity party.

And then it dawned on me. Yes. A Pity Party. I will give myself one today and celebrate like mad! So, I went out to Whole Foods to buy myself a bouquet of my favorite flower (dahlia). After I trimmed, cut and put them in vintage bottles throughout our home, I washed my teary face and got ready to take a coastal drive. I rolled down the windows so the ocean breeze blew through my messy ponytail. I blasted "Just for Now" by Imogen Heap and sang at the top of my lungs. Over and over and over. I had a few people pass me in their cars, smile and wave. I felt like yelling out to them..."care to join my pity party?!?!?"

I then stopped at my favorite store, Anthropologie and tried on all of the most expensive pieces of clothing. You know those pieces. The ones that could pay for months of your groceries. I befriended a sweet old soul who worked there. She was 20 years my senior, had long grey braids and the most amazing style. I told her I was celebrating my pity party today and she said with a warm knowing smile..."I know just the thing to help you celebrate". She brought me so many cute garments to try on. I kept tearing up each time she'd knock on my door. She never questioned why...she just spread the love with more and more clothes. We had fun and she didn't expect me to buy a thing. Although I did. From the sale rack, of course. A brand new pair of cargo's with ribbons for a belt. Every party needs at least one gift.

I then came home, took a long shower and did a facial. Once I put my wet hair in braids, I went downstairs and made myself a gluten-free Hawaiian pizza. I ate the whole thing with a kitty on each side while surrendering myself to a dreadful brainless Hollyweird film. It's been a rough few years and darnit...I deserved this!

It almost makes me look forward to the next pity party but I'll settle for celebrating a miracle instead.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like an amazingly great day. Makes me wish I had something wrong so I could feel sorry for myself. Seriously it is good to simply "live" life everyonce in a while doing what we love, and your day sounds perfect.

There is alwasy next month and then the one after that.

October 4, 2006 at 10:21:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, you really know how to throw a party! I may need to throw one of those soon myself; I only hope it's as cathartic and alive as your's sounds.

By the way, I wanted to share with you a post I recently wrote. Can you guess who the angel I speak of is?


October 4, 2006 at 10:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Goddess Leonie * GoddessGuidebook.com said...

bless your pity party...
and the sea salt in your hair...
and your kitties...
and the dahlias...
and the anthropology angel...
and you taking care of you as you need to...

and your heart
as it breaks
and mends
and grows.

with love,

October 4, 2006 at 10:46:00 PM PDT  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

Wish I could have been there for YOU today Boho gal! I would have HUGGED you all day and smooched you once or twice too! Hope Carsten is there just to HOLD you in his arms. You need some TLC!((((Denise)))) I know Carsten, your mother, father and sisters are in pain too! I am sorry. Hoping for the day we all get to celebrate with YOU!!! Love and prayers xoxoxox

October 4, 2006 at 11:05:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have to celebrated with you my dear. Lots of hugs and love.

October 4, 2006 at 11:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

dahlia days
kitty cat ways
ocean drives
eyes that cry
foods that mend
my love I send

beauty surrounds you and you are beauty...I feel each tear and an angel catches them because they are precious.

In my perfect world...all tears are happy ones

loving you,
sis xox d

October 4, 2006 at 11:08:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lu said...

Ditto to turquoise cro---I'm hoping for the day we all get to celebrate with you too!!! But in the meantime, I'm so glad that after your tears and asking God those questions (and He can take it, so rant on!), that you went outside into the sunshine and just did some nice things for yourself. You deserved it and I'm glad it helped a little. It's no where near the answer (which is obvious) but we all have to find our ways to get thru the day and I think the way you got thru this one was amazingly self-nurturing and good...

I think the Anthropologie Angel sounds amazing! What perfection---to minister to you like that!!! Beautiful!!!

October 4, 2006 at 11:10:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm right there with you, commiserating and hoping and understanding and wishing and crying and laughing and making the best of it all with you.

You are not alone and... we WILL be pregnant!

October 5, 2006 at 12:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

girlfriend, i'd have been there with you - we could have cried and laughed and got confused about which we were doing... we'd have polished off a couple of bottles of wine, gone to the cinema and stuffed our faces with popcorn, then come home, drunk more wine and eaten more food and... and... you get the picture :-) love you monkey butt x

October 5, 2006 at 3:19:00 AM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

i am so glad you just took this day for you. just. for. you. so important dear girl. and although you were having a pity party, you were also celebrating your friendship with yourself. and that is beautiful.
when i do get my butt down for a visit some time, you must take me to meet the wondrous woman at anthropologie. oh and please model those cargo pants for us. oh, oh...i love dahlias too! one of ours is still blooming out back. wondrous.

October 5, 2006 at 5:18:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Green Eyes said...

I know that I don't know you but I want you to know that I've been reading your blog now for almost 2 months. Each time I read it it's like I'm connecting with an old friend. You seem like someone that I would have been friends with if I still lived in Southern Cal. I use to live in San Diego but moved in 2003. Anyhow, your most recent entry made me smile...maybe it was my love for Imogen Heap, or remembering the coastal drives I use to take or shopping at Anthropologie, my favorite store for inspiration. Whatever it was it finally moved me to write to you. I want you to know that whatever happens with trying to conceive....you will be fine. You are a strong person and I fully believe that good things will happen for you.

October 5, 2006 at 5:21:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go Pity Party!!
I am LOVING your new banner and photo.
Really special sweets.

October 5, 2006 at 6:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

It's fantastic that you can recognize and embrace the ups and downs that life brings and then, honor yourself. Don't you just love the women that work at Anthro? I swear we have a similar woman in our store 3000 miles away! I sometimes really want to work there, just so I can get the discount.

October 5, 2006 at 6:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Boho, this was SO SO SO beautiful. Every time I read, I am ready to be delighted or inspired, then am surprised by how much this is true. Thank you for sharing your "pity party" with us, even if vicariously (you know you weren't alone on that coastal drive, a big-hearted woman with the windows down--that moment of freedom). It just goes to show how much self-care we really need and deserve. Your reminder of that will serve me today...--D.--

October 5, 2006 at 6:40:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Deirdre said...

I absolutely believe there's a time and place to feel really, really sorry for yourself. And then you get on with it. But, holy smokes, girl, you do it with more style than ever occured to me. There's huge healing in what you did for yourself. I hope you don't have too many more days like this. I want to celebrate that miracle for you.

October 5, 2006 at 7:20:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Sauntering Soul said...

While I hate that you're having to go through this, I must say WOW! You really know how to throw a fabulous pity party. I normally just sit on my sofa and cry all day. Big hugs from way over here in Atlanta (I promise I'm not a crazy stalker!).

October 5, 2006 at 8:06:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a bittersweet celebration... i'm right there with you with the highs and lows. save some cake for me :) xo

October 5, 2006 at 8:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

Good for you! Way to make a very yucky day a tad bit brighter...hang in there...I really believe the celebrating is coming soon.

October 5, 2006 at 8:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Deb R said...

Yay you! That sounds like a creative and constructive way to make a bad day better.

October 5, 2006 at 8:36:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello for the first time. Your spirit is brave and beautiful. Hurrah for knowing that what you needed was to pamper yourself...and flowers, fresh air, Imogen Heap and Anthropologie would be right up there for me too! Thank you for sharing your journey. Blessings and contentment to you.

P.S. I have tried to email you a hello and regarding creating a banner for the last few days, but it appears your mailbox runneth over as I have been receiving return receipts.

October 5, 2006 at 8:53:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

Your pity parties are so much better than mine!!! Wow, next time I have one i am going to take my cues from you and go buy myself some flowers from trader Joes, and well... there is no ocean here... so maybe I will take off and drive the 5 hours to San Diego... Ooooh!!!! I am going to go plan myself a pity party!!!!

I hope that you are feeling a teensy bit better, I am sending you hugs and kisses and love and prayers and comfort ...



October 5, 2006 at 10:13:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I left a comment earlier and it didn't go through. Erk. :) Just wanted to say I'm glad you're pampering yourself. My husband has suggested a few pity parties in our time together and it's one of my favorite things about him. He knows the food to get me, the things to say, my favorite episodes of The Muppets on DVD and gives extra cuddling. I always end up feeling refreshed and ready to face the next thing.

Thinking of you! Hugs!

October 5, 2006 at 11:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i'm so proud of you...i just can't help but love you more and more every day...

October 5, 2006 at 11:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stef said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're in pain and struggling but this pity party you had for yourself sounded pretty damn good! good for you - for taking the time to bask in your feelings and owning what they were. take care dear one!

October 5, 2006 at 2:13:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

two years is no time at all. keep your chin up and your braids swinging. your pity party sounds like a grand old time!

October 5, 2006 at 6:56:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

love to you, sweet thing. What a way to make it a little better. I like what you did. Singing at the top of your lungs IS quite theraputic. They should write it down in a book so it's in black and white.



October 5, 2006 at 7:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh you continue to teach me dear one. What a wonderous way to handle these feelings-to comfort and love yourself in such an honoring way. I am slowly learning how to be loving and caring for myself in this way-the really wonderous way. You continue to be my mentor in this.

I love you darling.

October 5, 2006 at 8:07:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Beautiful picture

October 5, 2006 at 8:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger changapeluda said...

Ala Mr. T.

I pity the fool who doesn't learn your gentle lessons.
I just took a deep breath and thought of you w/dahlias....smiling.
Goddess Bless You Boho Girl.

October 6, 2006 at 2:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Daibh said...

That photograph is astoundingly good. The colors, just beautiful.

October 7, 2006 at 3:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

what a beautiful idea.

i'm going to remember that for future reference, when i feel the need for a pity party.

;) you are so inspiring. you make me wish i had a friend like you here. *sigh* want to move?

October 13, 2006 at 10:11:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow what a pity party! Sounds like something I would do. :-)

October 24, 2006 at 8:02:00 PM PDT  

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