Thursday, November 30

Poetry Thursday

red bike, Victoria B.C., canon digital rebel xt

i want to leap onto this bike and
ride with the wind blowing through my curls,
to pedal out the pain, the anger, the doubt
and find a land where the grass is a vivid green,
the flowers are brilliant and fragrant,
the trees are pregnant with fruit
and where the ground is fertile,
so that when i step foot onto its soil,
the abundant layers will grow within my body
and wrap around my veins,
breathing life into my womb
until i am fertile too.

Yes...I am having a tough day. Emotions are raw. I just get so confused sometimes in the midst of trying to make sense of it all. Why is it that I am the one person in my large (very fertile) family that struggles with fertility. I waited years to find my true soul mate and to start a family. I wanted to wait to be a mother until after I had lived some adventures and sowed my wild oats. I wanted to be in the right headspace so that I could unselfishly give my child wings so that they could fly higher than even I did through life. And now this. I am being forced to wait yet again.

I have to find the blessings in the waiting. Waiting seems more difficult nowadays when fast food is shoved down our throats and emails are on our screens within seconds. Everything appears so rushed and patience wears thin among us all. We have forgotten how to wait. I feel this influence in our journey to conceive. I must remember that there are lessons in the waiting. Lessons that might not seem clear to me now but when our gift finally decides to arrive, I will look in our baby's eyes and nod my head in understanding.

A friend of mine always says "The journey is the destination". It is during the journey, not the destination where lessons birth themselves. During the waiting...the anticipation can be romantic, if we let it be. If we slow down, stop comparing our paths to other's and embrace the small, beautiful present moments.

Yes...there are lessons in the waiting but until this wisdom really sinks in, I am going to leap onto that red bike and go for a ride because my heart hurts and some fresh air will do me good.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember this hurt. The waiting was painful, lonely and stressful.
Just know that I am sending you fertile thoughts.


November 30, 2006 at 3:01:00 PM PST  
Blogger Georgia said...

I have something I want to send you if it is allright... Something my mother gave me and her sister gave her. I think you would appreciate it best.

I am also sending you fertile thoughts and many warm hugs.


November 30, 2006 at 3:26:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a source of wisdom your friend is. I too can get frustrated with waiting.

There is so much to learn on the journey-but damn it sometimes I am tired of learning.

Ride fast darling

I love you

snuggles and kisses

November 30, 2006 at 4:05:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all worth it in the end. Mark my words. it's all worth it...

November 30, 2006 at 4:26:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Boho, I wish I was there to just sit with you, rub your back, and let you be. I hold your heart gently in mine, and send you patience, love, goodness and peace. May that fresh air revive your spirit. This journey is painful, but oh so lovely in it's own right. Love to you, dear one.

November 30, 2006 at 4:42:00 PM PST  
Blogger britt said...

i feel your pain. waiting for the day you can finally take the test, then waiting for your fertile time, then testing again. argh it's so long, isn't it? blessings to you, i hope all your dreams come true soon...

britt (atlanta)

November 30, 2006 at 5:33:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am visiting you from Andrea's site... I am so sorry for your pain right now. I never had children of my own but I have felt the struggle you are going through. Please know that there is a purpose and a time for everything under heaven...
Thank you for a wonderful site and I hope to visit here often...

November 30, 2006 at 5:54:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of my favorite posts of yours. The photo and the poem and the explanation are a near perfect trifecta. I have told you this before, but it is your honesty and raw emotion that make your posts so universal. I wish you the best of luck, in the mean time you are creating some amazing art. That may not be a new life, but it brings joy and comfort to strangers around the globe- at least to one sitting here on a Friday morning in Malaysia.

Smile you are beautiful, sometimes that should be enough.


November 30, 2006 at 6:46:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Denise, I have been reading your blog for a while. I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for your realness and your beautiful photography.

November 30, 2006 at 7:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger madd said...

my heart is so full of you right now..I have walked in your shoes, I know this pain..and wish with all my heart I could bear it for you..your words are moving and true..and yes the journey is the destination, however we get there. sending you lovely calming strength filled thoughts..m

November 30, 2006 at 8:10:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes that ride can make you feel alive in ways that nothing else does(even pain).

Hope tomorrow is better!


November 30, 2006 at 8:30:00 PM PST  
Blogger Deirdre said...

My heart is aching for you today. There was a year when all three of my sisters gave birth and it seemed so unfair that it hadn't happened for me too. I hope you'll remember to breathe your way through days like this and live in the promise of what will come. xoxoxo

November 30, 2006 at 9:19:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if you got the email I sent you yesterday, but I just wanted to tell you again how amazing you are and how much I love your blog. I can't get over how honest you are, and how beautiful that is. I am praying for you and having faith that you will not just get through this, but will have a baby to snuggle in the end.

xoxo andi

November 30, 2006 at 9:51:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sweet D~~ Your friend is very wise indeed, and there are days throughout the journey when you just can not keep the perspective where you know it should be or perhaps where you want it to be. Today is one of those days, yet you carry it so gracefully...always graceful, always soft, always knowing. My words can not do justice to this. I can not fully express what is in my heart...but it is aching and beating for you all at the same time.

All my love honey.

November 30, 2006 at 10:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I am thinking of you--when you wrote, "Waiting seems more difficult nowadays when fast food is shoved down our throats and emails are on our screens within seconds. Everything appears so rushed and patience wears thin among us all. We have forgotten how to wait." I can hear the pure wisdom of these words. They are a gift to me.

December 1, 2006 at 4:18:00 AM PST  
Blogger liz elayne lamoreux said...

i am so sorry for this pain...but i am so glad you share it here and get it out. yes.

your words are true and real. and this image of the way the lessons are born...yes.

December 1, 2006 at 4:57:00 AM PST  
Blogger Darlene said...

Sissykins...I hurt for you my love.

I have not stopped praying...every night before I sleep your name is lifted up. I ask for this blessing to fall on you. Not one night is missed, baby sis. I know how to keep knocking on that door and not loose hope. (and sometimes ring the door bell ;)

Ponder natures germination process today. Seedlings waiting to burst open as they lay in wait, for the ground to warm and receive them, nurture them and the strength of that young plant that pushes through the rocky soil, determined and faithful to allow destiny to achieve what appears and feels like an impossible task.

"If you have faith of a Mustard seed" ....what can you do, sweet girl?

We love you , support you and climb that mountain with you.

an elastic hug today too ;)
big sis

December 1, 2006 at 7:56:00 AM PST  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

yes, do that. and tie a wicker basket to the handles so you can gather wildflowers to bring home. and may the scent of those wildflowers fill your life reminding you you are loved and supported by your soul sisters.

love you sweetie...

December 1, 2006 at 9:31:00 AM PST  
Blogger Kristine said...

Thanks for the reminder to simply breathe and wait...

December 1, 2006 at 9:57:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can be both on the journey and on your bike at the same time! Just don’t forget to breathe. The only two words you ever need to know are love and forgiveness. I wish you both in abundance.


December 1, 2006 at 10:48:00 AM PST  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

have i told you lately that i love you? well i do.... soooo much :-) i have my arms around you *right now* (and my legs) xx

December 1, 2006 at 11:13:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I might not know you in real life, I might not have read your blog for a long time, but you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your heart will be filled with joy soon.

And when you ride that beautiful bike, don't forget to fill your longs with the fresh air too.


December 1, 2006 at 12:31:00 PM PST  
Blogger Unknown said...

my precious girl. I'm so sorry for your bad news. Love to you during your hard day.


December 1, 2006 at 12:33:00 PM PST  
Blogger Sarah .B. Scott said...

This is a beautiful and heartfelt poem. I am sorry this has been such a difficult journey for you, but I am glad you are able to take something positive away from it. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first child. Admittedly, shorter than what you are experiencing. But, I was on bedrest with both of my children with complications. They were both born premature. I had 3 days of labor with my son and an emergency cesarean with my daughter. I was very ill after my daughter was born. I won't go into all the details. But, it was much more difficult than "normal" pregnancies and deliveries. It was a difficult journey, but it makes the reward so much sweeter. Your baby will be so wanted and cherished once he or she arrives. ((HUGS)) to you. There is nothing wrong with dwelling on your sorrow from time to time. I think people who try to submerge their negative emotions end up much worse off in the long run.

Beautiful words and photo!

December 1, 2006 at 2:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger Marcia (123 blog) said...

Hi Denise

It's my first time commenting on your blog but I have read snippets before (over from Andrea's).

I *feel* for you because I'm in exactly the same place - trying really hard to stay positive and have faith in God while waiting, waiting, waiting.

Sometimes it seems like everyone around us has it so easy and is so fertile. I now realise that life isn't fair.

Wow - your sister is so wonderfully supportive. My sister also tells me that she's praying all the time.

Now I will also start praying for you.

December 1, 2006 at 2:56:00 PM PST  
Blogger christina said...

Oh sweetie, all good things come after some type of wait--it's just sometimes we don't know we're waiting.Someone said to me today, "life gives us what we need, if we trust it." And it's true. You'll be such a wonderful mama!

December 1, 2006 at 5:19:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of my professors used to say...

"You can't get from knowing to doing without waiting"

I don't know if its applicable here but your words reminded me of it none the less.

And I love the poem... I was on that bike with you. You took me there.

December 1, 2006 at 11:38:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you - and will call you this weekend hopefully. Big squishy puppy post-yoga cuddle for you!!!


December 2, 2006 at 8:03:00 AM PST  

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