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Thursday, January 4

stream of consciousness


letha's neighborhood, canon digital rebel xt

I am tied up with emotions inside. Like the branches in the tree above, my feelings want to stretch as far to the sky as they can within their darkness but mine feel tangled and bound to the ground, unable to move. I have felt like this for a few days. So inside myself. Unable to express all that is transpiring within me. I am craving quiet. Calm. Wide open spaces. The corner of a room, hunched over, alone. Such a contradiction. I don't even know what I need. I could attribute this to hormones. Is it my cycle approaching or is it another life nestling itself in my womb absorbing all that I am? I worry it is not the later. It is always the cycle...but the baby is coming soon. I feel it. I get so attached to the thought of it and I grieve each month it is not here. My feelings were hurt by a comment the other day. A comment that I know was not intentionally hurtful. Telling me that my story makes her never want to try too hard to have a baby. I never wanted to try too hard either. I still don't want to have to. But when you want this so badly, something primal takes over and nothing can get in the way of it. Nothing. I cannot help this desire and I try all that I can to focus on the other beautiful aspects of my life. I think I do a pretty good job of it. I try my hardest to be positive, hopeful, to look forward and believe. But then there are a few days out of the month that I let go and allow myself to be sad, to feel hurt, scared and uncertain. Please be patient with these days. I always feel the lessons in them and I never let them consume me for too long. My loved ones ask me how my fertility stuff is going. Sometimes that feels like a constant reminder. I want to tell them "no news is bad news" but I don't want them to feel left out. I understand their need to know. They are almost as attached to the outcome as we are. I get that. But when I end up having a conversation about it, a few hours later I feel myself fall into a depression. To hear myself explain my journey out loud sometimes alters me. Am I talking about me? Yes, I am. Reality hits me in the face...over and over. Today I find myself starring at my computer. So many things flood into my mind that I am needing to do. Go downtown to capture some urban photographs, write in your journal, organize your studio, take a shower, plan dinner, buy some cat food, design a necklace, curl your hair. But I sit here motionless unable to do any of those things. I cry with my feet up on my desk and my head in my hands. Damn hormones. I feel lonely. I need my tribe. They need me and they all live so far, far away. I just need to be silent with them. To cuddle up on a bed to watch a film and be silent. I don't need conversation. I don't like to attract drama. I shy away from drama. I leave that to play in my head and then watch it fall away when the peace washes over. I don't need anyone else to be part of that. It's an alone thing for me. As much as I share here, I do consider some part of my life sacred. My family is one of them. Mark, my nephew is going through so much but I am grateful he is alive, has all his limbs and will be able to walk and breathe on his own. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad for him, so I am not. I am hopeful and proud and grateful for his miracle. He needs me to be this way. He feels it and it gives him strength. We have that connection. That is all I will share. The rest is so sacred and he is a private person as well. I respect that. I feel restless. I cannot focus on one thing. I find myself snapping at my husband when he comes home when he is the one that loves me most unselfishly. I know he feels the grief each month, yet he holds us together. I want to hold him together too. I have no idea if I do this for him. I see the tears in his eyes every once in awhile but I never see them fall. He holds them in the deep well within his soul. Mine just spill freely from my own deep well within.

This stream of consciousness feels good. This stream of feelings. They were tucked away, held tight into my chest and now they are brave enough to peek through. I need to write more later after I take a shower. A brave girl I met once does this all the time. Now I know why.

45 Comments:

Blogger Susannah said...

i love you monkey. there is nothing more i need to say (other than, as i just emailed you, i am coming over in my jammies with wine and chocolate and The L Word). you are my gentle warrior xoxo

January 4, 2007 at 1:48:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Sophie said...

showers are good. they clean the mind as well, hope it´ll do you good!

Sophie

January 4, 2007 at 1:54:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you know I'm here and care :)

January 4, 2007 at 2:00:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lianne said...

You have a baby coming... I feel it too. I'm pretty good at this stuff. :)

A boy...

January 4, 2007 at 2:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger Georgia said...

Just sending you my love sweetie. Go rub the tummies on those earrings... I sent them to you full of love and happy vibes, maybe a little happy will rub off in your hands. If nothing else you will know that my thoughts are with you.

Love & hugs,
Georgia

January 4, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want ot be alone with you too. What kind of movie are we going to watch happy, sad, love story, etc?
Do you want to order a pizza or make a great little pasta dish? How about we just eat junk food and throw popcorn at the screen when we don't like what happens. Sending tons of love your way.

January 4, 2007 at 2:37:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the other day, i was published in an article about blogging ~ because of that an old friend of 10 years ago contacted me and the other night i listened to her story of six years of trying to have a baby and then she sent me photos of her beautiful 14 month old and i wept at the beauty and joy of it all and i thought of you ~ it will happen, i can feel it deep within my bones ... sending you warmth ...

January 4, 2007 at 2:52:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

denise...i haven't been commenting lately but i visit every day, just so you know. and today i am crying with you. not because your words make me sad (but they do make me ache for you, sweetie) but because...i hear you. does that make sense? i don't think i can explain it better than that.

where my sister lives (which is also where megg comes from) there is a park. and although i've never lived in that town, due to my sister living there for so many years it has become like a home to me. and if i could, i would take you into the woods. we'd follow the creek that wends its way into this big meadow of stillness, where it becomes a pool, and you and i would sit there and listen. things come to that pool, denise. wishes come true there. spirits visit. it is a magical place.

it breaks my heart in some ways when people start to feel "watched" on their own blogs. i'm not sure if this is what you are feeling, but even in your "low", confused moments, you give so much to other people. we want to give back to you, too, sister. we want to rub your back and tell you it's okay to be denise at every part of your journey, and yes, it's a f***ing awful situation...and we want to watch that movie with you...whatever you want, in silence.

i think it is lovely that you have someone who loves you as much as carsten does, that you can feel safe enough to snap at. i'm SURE you are a source of strength to him as well.

take care, precious heart. i send you deep breaths, and love tonight.

January 4, 2007 at 3:30:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I could give you a *big hug*

~ and this too shall pass ~

January 4, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM PST  
Anonymous jill s said...

you are a brave soul.

wish i had found blogs like this when i was struggling through infertility.

peace.

xx
jill

January 4, 2007 at 4:47:00 PM PST  
Blogger deirdre said...

You are so often in my thoughts when baby craving washes over me. You don't have to explain that need to anyone, or justify how much work goes into preparing your body for new life. I'm grateful for you that you've got a wonderful man to stand with you in this fire - a rare gift. Maybe, just a a child's cries call it's mother, your tears will call your child to you. Blessings to you sweetie.

January 4, 2007 at 4:51:00 PM PST  
Anonymous LB said...

I saw that comment the other day, and I was a little taken aback, too.

It's amazing to me how much commonality there is in humanity because I can relate to some of the tiniest little details of what you wrote, and that's just kind of comforting in a way... how similar women are when it comes down to important things like having a baby.

Sending you hugs and hopes and strength...

January 4, 2007 at 5:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger Abigail Young said...

Your words are a comfort to me in every way. Knowing that others feel so many things - all at once - so deeply and truly - gives my soul a great big hug. I take showers a lot, too...don't really know why, but whenever I feel a little shaky, I think a shower is divine. Sending love to you tonight.

abigail

January 4, 2007 at 6:40:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you had a lovely healing shower and emerge feeling much better :)
We're all here holding your hand...
Ange x

January 4, 2007 at 6:51:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's healing to let your words flow, your feelings vent...
There is nothing more powerful than a woman's quest for a child- and you shouldn't feel like you have to justify that to anyone. You are meant to be a mother or else this strong desire would not be there. God doesn't give you this only to stand back from you, holding it like a carrot! You and your little one will be together soon- I feel this.
Lots of love...

January 4, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah for friends like Susannah. I think that it is okay to occassionally try to hard. Especially for something as beautiful and sacred that you and you husband are going to one day create. I don't think that there is anything more honorable to try too hard for and I admire your commitment to yourself, to your husband, and to the life waiting for you and your husband as parents.

Shanti (Peace),



Chalaundrai

January 4, 2007 at 7:23:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest One,

Take heart. You are undergoing one of the most precious tasks, the hardest thing in the world to embark on.

Sending you many prayers. It will happen.

Hormones really suck at times!! Little buggers can really screw up your day. Just go with the flow... Warm showers, long cuddles, fluffy slippers.

January 4, 2007 at 8:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger Deb R said...

I hope writing about some of your feelings and what you're going through helped. It'll never take the place of hugs from your tribe, but it's a release of a sort, yes? Sending good thoughts your way~~~~~

January 4, 2007 at 9:49:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

blessings and love to you beautiful boho girl. how brave, real, and honest. thank you for sharing your truth.
let the water flow from shower or tearful eyes

January 4, 2007 at 11:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i hear you. and i am passing you a klennex.

and now i am hugging you deeply.

and now i am turning on a funny, silly romantic comedy, so that we can just both sit and enjoy watching the lives of other people for a while.

and now i am hugging you again.

January 4, 2007 at 11:34:00 PM PST  
Anonymous holli said...

Dammit - I hate hearing things like this because when you think too much it just doesn't help. And not only are you trying, your hormones are raging, but you're also a sensitive soul.

If the fact that you have feelings makes someone else want to give up, that speaks more about them.. Because it's worth trying - and hoping. And it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't happen - but you can't *not* care.. because that would make you *not* human. And being human and compassionate makes you the perfect kind of gentle soul who needs to have a child.

Hang in there. It happened when I had given up all hope. Hormones suck - they really do. And nobody truly understands sometimes.

It's all going to be okay. Believe.

January 5, 2007 at 12:37:00 AM PST  
Blogger Toni said...

Sending many positive thoughts, Prayers and big HUGS,

Love Toni

January 5, 2007 at 1:05:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Katrin said...

Sending you some love and hugs all the way from Europe. I read your blog often and I love your writing. Even if I am not in your situation, I think you should write the book some day when you are ready. I think if I were, it would mean so much to me. You are such a honest, brave (I think it is brave to be not brave some time) and great person, that you are a constant inspiration to me in many ways (I am sorry, that I can't express myself any better but English ist not my mother-language - and I hope you understand).
xx Katrin

January 5, 2007 at 1:15:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I admire you for not giving up and for sharing your hope with us. I am saying a special prayer for you.

And your self and other portraits radiate sensuality.

You make such beautiful jewelry, why not investigate making a magical fertility piece?

January 5, 2007 at 1:16:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Lady Painter said...

I would like to tell you that I feel you so close ! I send you all my positive energy.

January 5, 2007 at 1:20:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of positive vibes. xo

January 5, 2007 at 2:04:00 AM PST  
Anonymous hel said...

I'm worried that you might think suggesting a piece of jewelry is too intimate a suggestion from someone you don't know.

Just thought making a pendant and inviting the fertility goddess in would be such a powerful ritual.

January 5, 2007 at 2:11:00 AM PST  
Anonymous nel said...

Thank you for sharing so honestly. I had two miscarriages and I cannot tell you the heartache I went through. Not long after the first miscarriage I fell pregnant with my first daughter. After my second miscarriage I told my husband I would never go through that again. I realised I was alreadyd very blessed to have one child. But...something inside of a woman just yearns for that which she feels is already a part of her. Seven years later I had my second daughter. They are now 17 and 10 and I thought I would never be able to have children. My journey was different to yours, but I understand the heartache, it's real. I am with you in this, you are in my prayers. Hope this helps...Nel xo

January 5, 2007 at 3:49:00 AM PST  
Anonymous amy said...

i have so much admiration for your honesty, openness and bravery. i hope the year ahead brings you and your family closer to your dreams.

be kind to yourself.

amy

January 5, 2007 at 4:33:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

stream of conciousness is good,
you never know what might
slip out that you didn't know
was in there...

you do what you have to do for you
and if that means
sometimes crying,
sometimes having an off day,
sometimes being silent...
then that's ok.

hugs

January 5, 2007 at 5:02:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh darling-

I am sitting there next to you staring out the window peacefully with you-snuggled side by side-sides and backs touching-hands working on our art together-quiet-peaceful.

All these things I understand-all these things I love about you.

You my darling are one of my absolute favorite people in the world.

So gentle and yet strong. A true shero of mine.

I love you
toe to toe

January 5, 2007 at 5:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger brittany said...

oh, sweet boho, i wish I lived close to you. I have been havings so many of the same feelings, but for different reasons. I lost my patience last night with my lovely children, and the way I yelled right in one's face keeps replaying over and over in my head. I sometimes wonder why some moments and some days are so hard no matter what you face in life, no matter how many incredible blessings surround us and lay at our feet. You are a blessing in my life although I've never met you face to face. You give me strength in some way whether you are aware of it or not. You inspire me to live more fully and to be more open.

I hope today is a better day for both of us

love to you,
B

January 5, 2007 at 5:50:00 AM PST  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

Boho,
The way you share here on your blog--the openness--the truth, is what inspires me to return again and again and again. If you have a hundred "down" days, yet you wrote about them here with that brave, unashamed storyteller in you, I would keep coming back. I am continually inspired by the tender way you look at life. I do a fair amount of "holding at arm's length" with blogging, it's just my nature. But you (and the others out there who aren't afraid to "spill open") amaze me.
Love,
--D.--

January 5, 2007 at 7:32:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker but wanted to come "out of hiding" to send along my positive vibes that this is the month you'll finally achieve what you have been working so hard for. I have been struggling with infertility for over four years and feel your pain sitting alongside my own, your hope keeping mine company. I have nothing more to offer than understanding, I hope you can take some minute measure of comfort in knowing that someone who has been struggling out there with the same issues is rooting for you.

January 5, 2007 at 7:46:00 AM PST  
Blogger Amber said...

I think that if you feel it, that the baby is coming, then it is! I think a soul is waiting for you, and it knows the time it is to be bron here... It is just hard waiting, I know! But keep your faith, Boho. Hold it tight. Your innerself knows what it knows, and the rest will follow.

:)

January 5, 2007 at 9:40:00 AM PST  
Anonymous AndiMae said...

Oh, sweet Boho. I am so sorry about that negative comment. You should never ever have to apologize to anyone for how you feel or how much you want a baby or how hard you might be trying. You are so brave. I see that in you every single time I read your blog. And here's to the hope that you have a little one inside you right this instant!

January 5, 2007 at 11:35:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boho, I don't think I ever commented here before... But I simply adore you from what I've read about you. You are one of my blog muses and you have helped awaken the spark in me. You've inspired me to write and pour out some of the emotions that were practically suffocating me. We all have ups and downs which is why we need to keep sharing more and more to support each other. We are all in this together, even if we have different journeys. You are a brave beautiful woman! We are all right here for you. I'm sending you lots of love and peace x

January 5, 2007 at 11:40:00 AM PST  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

I love you me dear friend. I wish more than anything right now we could spend the day together, cup of something hot to drink and maybe a good movie to watch. It feels like such a cruel jike we are all so far appart...especialy when we need eachother.

I am here if you need an ear my dear!
XOXO

January 5, 2007 at 3:20:00 PM PST  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

I love you me dear friend. I wish more than anything right now we could spend the day together, cup of something hot to drink and maybe a good movie to watch. It feels like such a cruel jike we are all so far appart...especialy when we need eachother.

I am here if you need an ear my dear!
XOXO

January 5, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tear are streaming down my face as i write this.
i understand all that you feel...i am still so scared that my pregnancy is all a dream...too good to be true because i remember the pain each month that my body didn't cooperate with my plan.
i was reading some of my old posts from last year...and it made me sad. made me want to time-travel and go back and tell my blogging self to hang in there. that a baby is coming.

so instead. i will tell you. hang in there. a baby is coming. there is a soul that is waiting to come into your life. open your heart and breathe. it will happen.

i can feel it.

you are in my thoughts and prayers.

January 6, 2007 at 1:48:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh honey, it makes me sad that someone hurt you like that. You are brave, you are amazing, and you are so strong. I'm proud of you, and I love you. I hope you know that.

January 6, 2007 at 10:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i know that longing to have everyone together, piled in bed, holding each other...i'm needing that too. i love you deeply!

January 7, 2007 at 10:53:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you managed (again) to write down exactly how i'm feeling, and what i was trying to say in my last post. thank you for letting it all out and being brave and honest.

xo

January 8, 2007 at 7:08:00 AM PST  
Blogger kelly rae said...

you have so much going on right now. i have been keeping up with you and your sister's writings, though i haven't been commenting. you are in my thoughts, dear one.

January 8, 2007 at 8:28:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Jon-Erik said...

Hey sister
You are on a path, discovering all you've learned up till this very now is a gift. With all you've learned together up till now..is the universe revealing to you both, Directions to take-which is self control !! The universe gives you answers that point to directions. Remeber there are a lot of people out there who can not even see what the universe is revealing...and there goes their clues as to what to do next.Like a out-of- tune guitar string... is the non believer.
JUST KEEP REACHING...Keep trying new things and one day without realizeing it ,a miracle happens....thats why they are called miracles...Be patient and be happy and creative...just like the mother mallard on her creative nest in a pile of reeds..."hey whats that moveing underneath me while I am trying to sleep".
With love to you both
Your bohemian clansman in the northlands,jon-erik

January 10, 2007 at 3:10:00 PM PST  

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