Saturday, February 3

bottled up

vintage bottles, canon digital rebel xt

These bottles were part of Carsten's fathers collection. He loved how bottles aged over time and the iridescent colors that would come swirling through the glass. They now rest comfy in our home on our window sill. Each morning, I sip my tea and watch the sunshine break through the colored glass and think how proud he is that we love them so. I've always had a passion for vintage bottles and it was something I shared with my father in-law.

It's been a rough few months for us with my nephew and his car accident, my husband's father passing away and of course, there is the fertility journey in the midst of it all.

With all that has transpired for each of our families in such a short time, I've noticed I have bottled up a plethora of emotions that need to be released. Some sad, some beautiful, some scary, some foreign to me.

Over the next few months, I'd like to relax into them. My husband and I need time to reconnect and quiet our minds and hearts to prepare for that little soul we want to enter into our womb, our home.

I think I am learning what I need for this journey. My sister Darlene told me she was proud of me for telling her prior to my trip out there this week that I only wanted to talk about my fertility stuff if I brought it up and asked if she could be gentle about this. I am not sure if I would have been brave or aware enough to ask this of someone a few years back. It feels good to be aware of what feels comfortable or uncomfortable as I walk this path. And it feels good that my loved ones are honoring what I need, what we need each step of the way.

I know that I need more yoga, more meditation, more walks on the beach. I need to do some Spring cleaning and to de-clutter my studio. To simplify my life. I know I need to allow myself to have days where I cry when a pregnant woman walks by or someone I know gets pregnant. I know I need to let go of expectations of how things are supposed to turn out for me and just go with the flow that each moment brings.

Most importantly, I know I need to release the bottle cap holding my emotions and allow them to pour freely. I am hoping over the next few months to use my creativity to help this along.

Breathe. Release. Pour. Dance. Play. Feel. Create. Allow.

And over time, just like the bottles in the picture above, these challenges and lessons on this journey will create a beauty we would have never thought possible. Little iridescent swirly blessings in our life.


Blogger Regina said...

It's certainly helpful if we let others know what we need or desire- after all, most people I know are not mind readers. It all comes when we start honoring ourselves and our needs... Darlene was right for being proud of you!
As always, you know what you need for yourself, Denise, and your wonderful and honest posts help all of us as well...
Blessings, dear one...

February 3, 2007 at 10:02:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you! Interestingly, I've had two friends recently say to me, "I want to ask you all the time about your infertility situation, but I don't want to pry." So it seems that I've set up a situation where I'm so secretive about it that close friends don't know how to show me that they care. I had to tell them, "Thank you for asking now. I know it must be hard for you to know what to do. Here's what's going on right now."

Whether we're totally open, or rather closed off, it can still be so complicated. I think we are both finding our way.

Deep hugs to you, dear!

February 3, 2007 at 11:45:00 PM PST  
Blogger Unknown said...

love to you, sweet girlie. I think your life is already swirly and beautiful and I know that it will only get better. You have a way about you that we all love here in the bloggie world and those in your physical world are always so touched by your presence.

Let those bottle caps off! Take a deep breath and create.


February 4, 2007 at 4:09:00 AM PST  
Blogger bee said...

oh, boho. {{hugs}}

i think it is so beautiful, what you are doing and learning on your journey. thank you for sharing the parts of it that you have with us.

February 4, 2007 at 6:36:00 AM PST  
Blogger Wendy said...

What a gorgeous photo, and an even more gorgeous post. I think you read my mind with some of what you said, I feel a pull to get back to some of that too!

February 4, 2007 at 8:13:00 AM PST  
Blogger Kristin said...

I hope that you're feeling better today.

February 4, 2007 at 8:40:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your continued honesty and willingness to allow will cultivate great wisdom on this journey of yours. Many blessings from the east coast. Namaste.

February 4, 2007 at 9:29:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a very personal journey and being able to say to your family what you need is important. Being able to allow yourself tears and pain is healthy and you and your husband will be better able to nurture yourselves because of it.

February 4, 2007 at 9:43:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sums it all up my lovely friend:

"Breathe. Release. Pour. Dance. Play. Feel. Create. Allow."

Honestly, I do believe this is the recipe for the life that we all seek.

Those bottles are beautiful, and the metaphor that you use regarding releasing the emotions that you have pent up in your own proverial bottle is just beautiful with talked about in conjunction with the touching meaning of those bottles on your window sill and the love attached to them. Perhaps using those sentimental bottles as inspiration will assist you with this release?

What I look forward to for you and Carsten over the next few months???? Peace, contentment, health and HAPPINESS!!! I wish it for you with every part of my being.

Love you honey,

February 4, 2007 at 9:55:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was a refreshingly honest post. It's OK to admit it if you don't feel positive feelings--now, or for a while. In fact, confronting these feelings honestly is the only thing that will allow you to move beyond them. I've been where you are, and my heart truly goes out to you.....

February 4, 2007 at 9:58:00 AM PST  
Blogger Darlene said...

I love this wonderful way that you are honoring Lenard and I'm sure there are other ways too.

I love the idea of the sun shinning through them and I'm sure they leave rainbows everywhere.

Yummy post Den :)

February 4, 2007 at 12:07:00 PM PST  
Blogger Julie said...

Why is it so difficult to ask for what we need when we need it? I'm so glad you have taken the cap off the pent up emotions.

Wishing you well as you continue your journey.

February 4, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM PST  
Blogger Angela Marie said...

Denise, I love the change in your banner... I recognize the flowers. They are perfect!

I also have a thing for vintage bottles. I think it is lovely to have your father-in-laws sitting in your window letting the sun shine through the colored glass. It is also a reminder of how bright his spirit for life was.

I think it is good that you let these feelings flow...

Take gentle care of yourself sweetie

February 4, 2007 at 7:18:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so admire your courage in facing your emotions...you have challenged me to face my own, scary as they can be. Thanks for sharing this, it has really touched my heart. While thinking of you I will be searching my own self and dealing with what comes up.

February 4, 2007 at 7:37:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One day I saw a rainbow on my carpet. Where is that coming from? I traced it to a glass candel holder hanging in front of my window. Such a small thing, but it put a smile on my face, and lifted my spirit that day. Sometimes all we need is a ray of light.
You are a ray of light to those of us who read and share your story.
Wanda aka Lovely

February 4, 2007 at 9:06:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You and your words are just Beautiful. As are the bottles. As is the new banner.

Love to you,


February 5, 2007 at 2:39:00 AM PST  

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