bottled up

vintage bottles, canon digital rebel xt

These bottles were part of Carsten's fathers collection. He loved how bottles aged over time and the iridescent colors that would come swirling through the glass. They now rest comfy in our home on our window sill. Each morning, I sip my tea and watch the sunshine break through the colored glass and think how proud he is that we love them so. I've always had a passion for vintage bottles and it was something I shared with my father in-law.

It's been a rough few months for us with my nephew and his car accident, my husband's father passing away and of course, there is the fertility journey in the midst of it all.

With all that has transpired for each of our families in such a short time, I've noticed I have bottled up a plethora of emotions that need to be released. Some sad, some beautiful, some scary, some foreign to me.

Over the next few months, I'd like to relax into them. My husband and I need time to reconnect and quiet our minds and hearts to prepare for that little soul we want to enter into our womb, our home.

I think I am learning what I need for this journey. My sister Darlene told me she was proud of me for telling her prior to my trip out there this week that I only wanted to talk about my fertility stuff if I brought it up and asked if she could be gentle about this. I am not sure if I would have been brave or aware enough to ask this of someone a few years back. It feels good to be aware of what feels comfortable or uncomfortable as I walk this path. And it feels good that my loved ones are honoring what I need, what we need each step of the way.

I know that I need more yoga, more meditation, more walks on the beach. I need to do some Spring cleaning and to de-clutter my studio. To simplify my life. I know I need to allow myself to have days where I cry when a pregnant woman walks by or someone I know gets pregnant. I know I need to let go of expectations of how things are supposed to turn out for me and just go with the flow that each moment brings.

Most importantly, I know I need to release the bottle cap holding my emotions and allow them to pour freely. I am hoping over the next few months to use my creativity to help this along.

Breathe. Release. Pour. Dance. Play. Feel. Create. Allow.

And over time, just like the bottles in the picture above, these challenges and lessons on this journey will create a beauty we would have never thought possible. Little iridescent swirly blessings in our life.