all girl

my closet, canon digital rebel xt

I'm writing this tucked into the warmth of my bed in the wee hours of the morning. A steaming cup of dandelion root tea with almond milk is by my side as my laptop rests on my lap. Oh, and I cannot forget my kitty curled up at my feet keeping them toasty warm.

This week I've tried something new. I've been getting up early with my husband. I used to sleep in a few hours after he left for work but I seemed to wake up in a fog with not enough time in the day to do all I had hoped. So, now he brings me a steaming cup of tea, kisses me on the forehead and wakes me up gently. So far it's been wonderful and I feel much more satisfied at the end of the day. Not to mention I am knocked out by 10pm.

I hesitated sharing what I am about to share here on my blog but I need to chronicle this so that I can look back in retrospect and see clearly why all this happened.

This month was a perfect month on our journey to conceive. I ovulated on valentines day (per my computerized fertility monitor thingy). My husband and I both went to acupuncture that day, which is rare because lately its just me that goes. Afterwards, we took our Volkswagen bus to a private little beach cove. With some wine and a tea light burning, we made love like teenagers anticipating a police officer tapping on the window with a flashlight. It was romantic, spontaneous, dangerous and so us. Everything from that point transpired as it should. I followed my diet strictly, I went to acupuncture again, I felt implantation pains in my abdomen around the time a fertilized egg would be burrowing in my womb and a few days ago, I even got a faint "positive" line on a pregnancy test. I took all this information to Dr. McMiracle and he also detected the pregnancy hormone and said my body is ready for a healthy pregnancy. Everyone at the docs office was excited but knew it was a bit early to be 100% sure and to hug and say congratulations.

I tried to remain hopeful and not get consumed with the fear and anxiety that seems to want to steal my joy. I poured myself into purging my studio. Corner by corner, cleaning, throwing out, giving away, packing away everything to ready the room for painting the walls, including my closet of clothes. I usually have pretty awful PMS but I hadn't felt any of it this past week...until late last night. I felt that pressure on my brain and the overwhelming sadness. I cried hard into my pillow before bedtime. I know my body well. As much as I didn't want to believe, I felt my cycle coming. And it did. In the middle of the night.

I thought if this happened, I would be devastated. Last night in my pillow, I felt angry, confused, hurt but mostly angry that all these signs were a cruel joke to play on such a hopeful and wanton couple. This morning I feel okay...surprisingly okay and even a bit refreshed after a good cry and a few hours of letting myself wallow.

When I want something, REALLY want something in my life, I stay committed and it's always happened, just not always at the time I expect it to (or the way I expect it to). I feel that commitment deeply. I will never give up on our goal to bring a baby into our life. With this journey, I have found strength in me I never realized was there. It seems to renew itself even stronger with each cycle that comes.

I am remaining in a state of gratefulness. I have to. If I want this, I have no choice but to be open to the lessons, the connections, the beauty that comes along with all the pain. I refuse to let the sadness control me. I've done that before and it hasn't served me well.

So, today I am going to treat myself. I am going to take myself out on a date to see the film "The Queen" at our local independent film house. I'll buy a little bag of popcorn (that I am not supposed to be eating) and enjoy every morsel. This is always the one day when I cheat! I deserve it.

I will then pour myself into my studio project over the next few days. Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet. The picture above is of some of my clothes hanging. I laugh at how feminine they all are. I love sheer fabrics, layers, embroidery and all the shades of taupe, pinks, whites, etc. There was a time in my life when I tried to be a tom boy but I've definitely given into to the fact that I am ALL GIRL. Anyways, I digress.

I have no idea physically why this happened. I will choose to look at the positive in that we did fertilize an egg, which it hasn't been this clear whether or not it has happened before. My body is readying itself and is able to do this and that is what I am going to believe and focus on.

Now its time to put on some of my cute clothes and celebrate my popcorn day!