Friday, March 2

all girl

my closet, canon digital rebel xt

I'm writing this tucked into the warmth of my bed in the wee hours of the morning. A steaming cup of dandelion root tea with almond milk is by my side as my laptop rests on my lap. Oh, and I cannot forget my kitty curled up at my feet keeping them toasty warm.

This week I've tried something new. I've been getting up early with my husband. I used to sleep in a few hours after he left for work but I seemed to wake up in a fog with not enough time in the day to do all I had hoped. So, now he brings me a steaming cup of tea, kisses me on the forehead and wakes me up gently. So far it's been wonderful and I feel much more satisfied at the end of the day. Not to mention I am knocked out by 10pm.

I hesitated sharing what I am about to share here on my blog but I need to chronicle this so that I can look back in retrospect and see clearly why all this happened.

This month was a perfect month on our journey to conceive. I ovulated on valentines day (per my computerized fertility monitor thingy). My husband and I both went to acupuncture that day, which is rare because lately its just me that goes. Afterwards, we took our Volkswagen bus to a private little beach cove. With some wine and a tea light burning, we made love like teenagers anticipating a police officer tapping on the window with a flashlight. It was romantic, spontaneous, dangerous and so us. Everything from that point transpired as it should. I followed my diet strictly, I went to acupuncture again, I felt implantation pains in my abdomen around the time a fertilized egg would be burrowing in my womb and a few days ago, I even got a faint "positive" line on a pregnancy test. I took all this information to Dr. McMiracle and he also detected the pregnancy hormone and said my body is ready for a healthy pregnancy. Everyone at the docs office was excited but knew it was a bit early to be 100% sure and to hug and say congratulations.

I tried to remain hopeful and not get consumed with the fear and anxiety that seems to want to steal my joy. I poured myself into purging my studio. Corner by corner, cleaning, throwing out, giving away, packing away everything to ready the room for painting the walls, including my closet of clothes. I usually have pretty awful PMS but I hadn't felt any of it this past week...until late last night. I felt that pressure on my brain and the overwhelming sadness. I cried hard into my pillow before bedtime. I know my body well. As much as I didn't want to believe, I felt my cycle coming. And it did. In the middle of the night.

I thought if this happened, I would be devastated. Last night in my pillow, I felt angry, confused, hurt but mostly angry that all these signs were a cruel joke to play on such a hopeful and wanton couple. This morning I feel okay...surprisingly okay and even a bit refreshed after a good cry and a few hours of letting myself wallow.

When I want something, REALLY want something in my life, I stay committed and it's always happened, just not always at the time I expect it to (or the way I expect it to). I feel that commitment deeply. I will never give up on our goal to bring a baby into our life. With this journey, I have found strength in me I never realized was there. It seems to renew itself even stronger with each cycle that comes.

I am remaining in a state of gratefulness. I have to. If I want this, I have no choice but to be open to the lessons, the connections, the beauty that comes along with all the pain. I refuse to let the sadness control me. I've done that before and it hasn't served me well.

So, today I am going to treat myself. I am going to take myself out on a date to see the film "The Queen" at our local independent film house. I'll buy a little bag of popcorn (that I am not supposed to be eating) and enjoy every morsel. This is always the one day when I cheat! I deserve it.

I will then pour myself into my studio project over the next few days. Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet. The picture above is of some of my clothes hanging. I laugh at how feminine they all are. I love sheer fabrics, layers, embroidery and all the shades of taupe, pinks, whites, etc. There was a time in my life when I tried to be a tom boy but I've definitely given into to the fact that I am ALL GIRL. Anyways, I digress.

I have no idea physically why this happened. I will choose to look at the positive in that we did fertilize an egg, which it hasn't been this clear whether or not it has happened before. My body is readying itself and is able to do this and that is what I am going to believe and focus on.

Now its time to put on some of my cute clothes and celebrate my popcorn day!


Blogger Deirdre said...

I hope you'll pamper yourself well today. It sounds like you're taking very good care of yourself through this and remaining hopeful and happy. Have a wonderful day, sweetie.

March 2, 2007 at 8:04:00 AM PST  
Blogger Tanaya said...

Oh sweet Boho. Your body is getting closer and closer to being ready. This is indeed good news, even if it is wrapped with a twinge of dissappointment.

March 2, 2007 at 8:22:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I don't know what to say...well, I do, but not in this forum. You take good care of yourself today sweet you, and try to have a lot of fun. I don't want to focus on the negative of what has transpired,but rather focus ont he positive that you shared, because you are getting closer; that is so clear.

Email coming.

Love you.

March 2, 2007 at 8:27:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lu said...

Love and prayers to you.

Someone who's been there---


March 2, 2007 at 8:55:00 AM PST  
Blogger swissmiss said...

I'm a lurker who's been there and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I'm impressed by the continued joy and hope in this post.

hesitating to offer advice where none is probably needed, but you might consider a follow up beta test - one can have what seems like a period and stay pregnant

March 2, 2007 at 9:16:00 AM PST  
Blogger madelyn said...

I think your body is very close
now - preparing itself.
First the picture and then the
reality will grace your life.

Enjoy your popcorn and film
- I hear it is marvellous -
and btw - your closet is girly-

March 2, 2007 at 9:38:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think that faint pink line is very hopeful and you should be gentle with yourself today, despite the sadness. your date with the queen sounds perfect with popcorn, you do deserve it. your clothes hanging remind me of anthropologie. (=

March 2, 2007 at 9:59:00 AM PST  
Blogger Regina said...

Each little step leads you closer and closer to the door that swings wide open and there... you will find all your dreams and wishes... come true...
{{{Denise}}}- you deserve this day- and every day...

March 2, 2007 at 11:37:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You amaze me with your strength and ability to find the positive in hard situations. You are getting closer to this dream of yours, you can feel it...we all can feel it. Enjoy your indugences today and have a relaxing weekend. My heart and love go out to you. Love & light.

Blessed Be ;)

March 2, 2007 at 12:11:00 PM PST  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

I'm so sorry...but a part of me also thinks this is really GOOD news. You CAN get pregnant, this time it just wasn't the right time but it seems that one positive test is a great sign for the future.

I'm convinced that early tests, earlier than a missed period, can lead to a LOT of disappointment. I've had many friends test early then start their cycle as usual despite the positive test. I think you know your body well enough to know anyway, but still, seems that since we know many, many pregnancies end in those early days it might not be such a good thing to know "5 days earlier" as those tests promise. Those are my thoughts.

I hope you have a cozy weekend, taking care of yourself, thinking positive. I know, I KNOW, that someday soon I will be looking at baby boho pics here on your blog. No doubt about it. And you will be so thankful that little baby you are holding will be the one God gave you.

March 2, 2007 at 12:42:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Denise... I'm so sad for you because I know how harsh the disappointment is, especially when there's a little unexpected hope first.

But, like you, I automatically focused in on the progress that your body has made and how all of your hard work, optimism, and diligence are certainly paying off physically and tangibly.

Thinking of you...

(popcorn is my comfort food, too!)

March 2, 2007 at 1:06:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in awe of your strength! Boho baby is getting closer and closer :)

Hope you have a wonderful time at the movies and enjoy the popcorn!!

Thinking of you,

XO Sophie

March 2, 2007 at 1:16:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When your child does come, s/he will be so lucky to have a Momma with the kind of strength and positive attitude (not to mention talent) that you have.

March 2, 2007 at 1:25:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Boho,

I'm so sorry to hear about your disappointment but it seems your body is getting closer to where it needs to be to carry a beautiful Boho Baby... I just know that Boho Baby is looking down & waiting for the right moment to come along... in the meantime, enjoy your time with Boho Hubby...

xo glo

March 2, 2007 at 1:34:00 PM PST  
Blogger Julie said...

Holding you close in my thoughts.

It will come...

March 2, 2007 at 2:38:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. Just thought I'd share- I had the same thing happen to me in November. Faint positive line then followed by a regular positive a few days later (with a different brand of test, though). After trying for over a year I was so excited. I got my period a week late and the doctor's said it was a chemical pregnancy/very early miscarriage. I am glad that you are handling this so well and staying positive. I agree that I will probably no longer take those early pregnancy tests- for me it was too emotionally devastating (although now I am dealing with infertility doctors and they handle the timing of the testing and all that). But the definite good news is that there was a conception. That is a big deal! So I hope you can keep focusing on the positive and I wish nothing but the best for you as you continue on your journey!


March 2, 2007 at 2:56:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delurking to say that I admire your strength and positive outlook so much. My husband and I have been trying for over a year to get pregnant after a miscarriage. This week I got a positive pregnancy test only to start my period this morning. It's so difficult for me to remain positive throughout this journey. Sometimes I let fear get the better of me. So today I knew I needed to see if you'd written anything. I needed those optmistic words. Today I was given a great example of how to see the positive in my current situation. Thank you for that.

March 2, 2007 at 3:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger Alessandra Cave said...

Boho! You ARE closer. I believe it. I want you to be. Love and Popcorn to you today! x

March 2, 2007 at 3:45:00 PM PST  
Blogger bee said...

sweet mama - i feel for you and i am so amazed at how strong you have been and how determined you are to stay positive. look at this as a calling card from your boho babe saying "cool parents? i know you want me...i'm on my way."


March 2, 2007 at 4:02:00 PM PST  
Blogger Pat said...

I check here often to see how "it's" going. I sure hope this is it!

March 2, 2007 at 6:07:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh dear one...

My misty eyes see your beauty and your strength. Your vulnerability is so WOMAN and you inspire me to continue being in a state of Bloomed Openness.

I send you much love, and mystic knowing from India...

March 2, 2007 at 8:11:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and PS...

I love the photo! I too am committed to wooden hangers and hanging my clothes, which I really call "peices", according to the color wheel! Its just such a dose of my girliness, especially if Im not feeling particularly connected to myself in that way. I will open up my closet and just look! hmm... I think this turned into more of a confession than I would have liked it to be!


March 2, 2007 at 8:15:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Despite the focus on the positive, it must be a difficult time..

March 3, 2007 at 3:25:00 AM PST  
Blogger Mary said...

Boho girl,
how do i email you? I can't find your email and I'd like to email you something.

March 3, 2007 at 5:20:00 AM PST  
Blogger Auntie Bean said...

Sending you lots of love. Wishing I had something better to offer.


March 3, 2007 at 11:26:00 AM PST  
Blogger Georgia said...

Ummm... oops, I just noticed that my computer was logged in under my aunts profile... sorry :)


March 3, 2007 at 11:36:00 AM PST  
Blogger HLiza said...

I wish you all the best, girl. I believe if you wish really hard, it will all come. Just keep on hoping..

March 3, 2007 at 1:30:00 PM PST  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

I love you Deni.
Makes me cry... this stuggle you and Carsten must endure.
Deep, fast sigh.
I dont know what else to say cause I really felt you were pregnant too babes. I've been feeling it for a little while...

Stay positive sweets... I think you will be soon.

I believe you will be.

Wrap yourself and your love in comfort and tenderness today.

((hugs)) and love

March 3, 2007 at 4:32:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello, i am a turkish girl who leavesin paris...yesterday when i was reading a blog...i just closed my eyes and chose a random blog from the favorites...and it was yours...then i started reading...voila..you aredealing with conceiving...JUST LIKE me..can that be a coincidence?? no i dont think so...this is a sign...i started reading all of your posts..you gaveme couragefor my journey...i cannot explain you how similar things we are experiencing and feeling...i can understand your feelings deeply..i strongly believe i will get help from you ...for sharing you can write me...erinck@gmail.com

March 3, 2007 at 5:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger Amanda said...

your strength and positive energy are amazing...
love to you.

March 3, 2007 at 8:40:00 PM PST  
Blogger Stacy said...

part of me is dancing for the positive test you saw. part of me is crying because i was so sure this was the month too. part of me wants to raid your closet and the rest of me just wraps you in my arms and holds you in my heart.

March 4, 2007 at 12:41:00 AM PST  
Blogger britt said...

wow a positive pregnancy test! i am so happy for this little sign of success and am so confident it will one day bring you boho baby. keep up the good health and love with your husband. love up!

March 4, 2007 at 7:19:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled onto your weblog through your jewelry website, and, as someone who has experienced four miscarriages, I had to comment to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Your strength and hope shine brightly through your words, and I hope that your dreams of a child reach fruition very, very soon. Sending you peace and blessings and continued hope.

March 4, 2007 at 7:37:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you boho. I love that you say you have found a strength in you that you didn't know was there. You are a truly remarkable human being.


March 4, 2007 at 8:03:00 AM PST  
Blogger Darlene said...

holding you close
I believe

March 4, 2007 at 8:16:00 AM PST  
Blogger Christina Rosalie said...

You leave me in awe, and inspired. You are so amazing, the way you are present in the struggle in your life. You don't shy away from it. And across the wide valley of struggle will be the reward you're trying for. You will get pregnant. You will be a mama. Your body CAN DO THIS. You are awesome.

March 4, 2007 at 10:26:00 AM PST  
Blogger Marcia (123 blog) said...

Wow Denise!

I've been reading through google reader so haven't seen your new banner until now - gorgeous!

So is your beautiful closet.

But more importantly, your gorgeous self. I knew it would happen soon.


March 4, 2007 at 10:56:00 AM PST  
Blogger Goddess Leonie * GoddessGuidebook.com said...

May you always surrounded yourself with love and light ~ Blessed be your healing, dreaming, creating life.

Bless your sadness,
Bless your joy,
Bless your hope and
Bless your knowing.

In love and light,

March 4, 2007 at 1:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger luzie said...

Oh boho, your strength is simply inspiring. You're getting closer and closer, it'll happen soon. Of that I'm sure. Thinking of you! xoxo

March 4, 2007 at 2:38:00 PM PST  
Blogger Diandra said...

Thinking of you!

love and hugs too

March 4, 2007 at 7:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger Intrepidflame said...

you are awesome. you are brave. you are real.

your post was beautiful in its grief and joy. next month. i am rooting for you, still

March 4, 2007 at 11:41:00 PM PST  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

your life is so fertile right now, love, and i know that this year is going to be a life-changing one for you two - you know what i'm saying there :-) xo

March 5, 2007 at 1:59:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

such a beautiful photo!

My heart is thinking of you... xoxo

March 5, 2007 at 5:35:00 AM PST  
Blogger gkgirl said...

ahhhhh, sweetie.

sending you internet hugs

and on the completely
superficial side,
i LOVE the girly girl closet of clothes...
sooooo pretty

March 5, 2007 at 6:44:00 AM PST  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

today as you celebrate your journey and pamper yourself with much needed soul nourishment please know that you are surrounded and cradled in love

March 5, 2007 at 8:33:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I am sending you much love and many kisses

March 5, 2007 at 12:17:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've got happy tears for you, right now. You are so beautiful, and I am so proud of you and all of your hard word and the faithfulness and determination you've shown on your journey.

Bless you, your baby, your body, and your home. Love to you.

March 5, 2007 at 1:12:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so positive, and honest, and I am sending all my sweet Southern love to you and your home. I grinned from ear to ear reading about your beachside escapade - brings back my younger, crazy days - so much fun. Enjoy your popcorn, you lovely one you.

March 5, 2007 at 5:37:00 PM PST  
Blogger Wendee said...

Look at all these warm and loving thoughts. I can't possibly add any more eloquent words, but send a good dose of hope and warmth and sweet dreams to you, too.

March 5, 2007 at 8:02:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kristine said...

You are great.
I'd say more but I don't have the worlds for the reaction I had to this post. Just know that I am cheering you on, rejoicing with you, and wiping away tears with you as I read about your journey...

March 5, 2007 at 8:39:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker who has been reading your blog for quite some time now. I haven't had access to the internet for one week (which is a long long time for me!), and today was the first day I was able to read the blogs I love. Before I visited here, I swear, I could feel in my heart that something had changed with you. Something was better. I clicked return, and read your beautiful post. I'm so sorry for your disapointment, and I am sending you comfort and support ... But, I still believe that my initial feeling was right. Your body is getting closer, and the one word in my heard and heart now is "soon"

Good luck, and I am sending you positive thoughts.

March 6, 2007 at 9:14:00 AM PST  
Blogger Unknown said...

oh, my sweet boho.

I screamed and hooted and cried through this post. You are so open, I don't know where you find the strength to do it, but it's obvious that we are all inspired by it.

I hope these days following were bearable. Know that you are good and that you are loved.

If there's anything I can do, friend, just let me know.


March 6, 2007 at 9:55:00 AM PST  
Blogger Kathleen said...

i am just now seeing this post...tears streaming down my face...
i haven't "known" you very long...but so strongly can i feel your pain and want.
cradle yourself, sweet girl.

i am holding you in my heart and prayers.


March 7, 2007 at 2:59:00 AM PST  
Blogger elizabeth said...

I'm so glad you found my blog, because now I have found yours. Your words and your images are beautiful, and your hope throughout this difficult journey is inspiring. I am sorry for your recent pain, and wishing for you that you will have your boho baby soon.

March 7, 2007 at 7:08:00 AM PST  
Blogger me-nikk said...

It's just the next step... right? You body is slowly becoming more and more prepared by the day. Now it is just thinking, "I can do this... see? LOOK AT ME!!!" My grandmother from Czechoslovakia used to say, "slow by slow." So, slow by slow little bird! Slow by slow...

I thank the universe for your precious baby! She's going to be filled with greatness and an abundance of love!

Sending you a flood of love and kisses breaking down all barriers of resistance!

March 7, 2007 at 7:21:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are amazing and i am hearing that you believe that you are. i rode this emotional surf while reading this entry (as i do with many of your heart*posts) and i'm so heartened to see your evolution, boho. not just because you are benefitting from it, which you obviously ARE, but because it is precisely THIS STORY, of triumph that inspires so many. the example of courage when hopes remain unfulfilled is the story the world needs to hear again and again.
i just adore you to your bones. big hug, p.

March 8, 2007 at 12:13:00 PM PST  

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