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Wednesday, March 28

i am not broken


self portrait, canon digital rebel xt

Yesterday and today I have felt really tender, a bit bruised in the heart. I know how to sooth this but I also know it takes time, so I am allowing myself to feel whatever it is I do in this moment in order to let it pass.

I've noticed this past year I haven't been as social as usual. I shy away from going out into groups or even one on one's. I haven't really taken time to analyze it much and come up with a specific answer as to why. I know part of it is that I've just been really busy and focused on my business. Some of it has been about me cultivating my friendships with people that live far away through phone calls and emails, where I didn't have the luxury to "go out" in order to see them. Yesterday, the main reason as to why I shy away from being social became pretty clear to me.

I was at my hair salon finally getting my hair cut short to my shoulders (pics to come in a later post). I had been feeling so at peace lately. Very strong. Very secure. Really on top of my game. I wanted to cut my hair as a symbol of letting go of old ways of thinking. I haven't cut it short in about 10 years...so it was time for a fresh new look and feel. My stylist was out on maternity leave, so I was at the mercy of another stylist who I didn't know. She asked me the typical get to know you questions and I readied myself for the "so, do you guys have kids?" one. When she asked me and I told her that we are trying, she asked me for how long. When I said "two and a half years", it was the look on her face that hit me as to why I am not as social as I used to be. She suddenly had this look of pity for me, for us and what we're going through. I heard her tone turn a bit softer and felt her hands work with my hair a bit gentler, as if I was going to break into pieces right there in her chair. I hate this. I really really hate this.

I don't want people (friends, family, strangers) to see me as broken. I am not broken. Just because I don't get pregnant from my husband sneezing on me doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. We've had all the tests and are able to get pregnant naturally and for some reason, it is taking us a while but even if there was something "wrong" with me, I still would not be broken. I choose to believe there is a deeper spiritual purpose to this all. That we are actually blessed because we've been able to nurture our marriage, our careers and really define who we are as individuals before our baby comes into our life. I choose to believe that even though our baby is not with us yet in the physical, that its spirit is near me always and therefor, I already feel like a mother. We are choosing to trust the timing. Everyone on this journey has their own way of dealing with it that feels right to them. There is no "right or wrong" way. We have chosen the holistic route and that feels right to us. Other people I have met (not all but some) that have done IVF or IUI wonder why we aren't going there. I need people to be patient with our choices.

I know I sound angry. I guess I am. And that's okay. I am letting myself be angry and I am letting the tears fall as I write this. I am not angry at any one person, nor am I angry at myself. I am angry at the idea that anyone would pity me. I know nobody has the intention to hurt or upset me. In fact, it is always the opposite. They come from a place of caring and wanting to fix this for me...but I don't need to be fixed.

I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is pity. I loathe it and it seems whenever I go out, there is always someone that looks at me like "oh you poor thing". So, I choose to not go there so that I can remain in the strong, confident place where I am. It seems some people cannot believe that I really do feel positive about this journey. Every once in awhile, I will get a comment here that says something along the lines of..."I know you're being positive but this must be hard, right?". Or if I am out with someone and they see that I am beaming, glowing and sharing all the lessons I've learned from this, they look at me like..."oh come on, you must be in denial, this totally sucks."

Comments like that do not help me. I don't need people feeling sorry for me. What I need is people to believe I can do this. That my husband and I can create life together. That my eggs and his sperm are healthy and when the time is right, they will join the cool and groovy way they were meant to. I need people to cheer me on and not try to get me to talk about hurtful feelings when I am in a positive place. I need people to accept that I am in a positive place and it doesn't mean I am in denial. I really am feeling positive and at peace.

I have had my dark and dreary days and for some reason, the further I go into this journey, the stronger I become. There are so many other amazing things happening in my life that I do not define myself as "the woman trying to conceive". I am so many other things in my life right now.

I am sorry I am not being very articulate. I am sort of using this post as a free writing exercise, I suppose.

A wonderful friend wrote me an email of affirmations the other day. She gave me a mantra to say out loud to myself:

"I am fertile. My ovaries produce healthy eggs. My womb is healthy. My eggs are ripe and open for fertilization. My mind, soul and body are open to receiving a fertilized egg. My womb is a harmonious home which is open to implanting my fertilized egg. My body is healthy. I am a mother whose baby is on it's way."

This is what I believe and this is what I need everyone in my life to believe for me.

I am so, so grateful for all the positive support and encouragement I have received here, from my family and my friends. I am just tired of the other stuff that comes my way that seems to set me back.

Today I need affirmations so that I can wash away the look of pity she had on her face yesterday as it seems to keep popping into my head.

Off to yoga...

54 Comments:

Blogger Tanaya said...

You are strong.
You are healthy.
You are on the right path.
You are honest.
You are loving.
You are doing everything you can to be everything that you are and everything that you will be.

You are a mother in mind, in heart and in soul.

March 28, 2007 at 10:46:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey gorgeous YOU! (Hot and sexy Hair by the way!!)

I just wanted to say that as someone who has had the honour of meeting you over the distance this year that you are indeed full to bursting with life and love and hope and grooviness and fertility. I know that this will happen for you. I have known without a DOUBT since a moment during the transformation game we played. Everything in its own time. I think you were very brave and strong to write this post. I keep you guys in my thoughts always. Love to you and your hunny.

megg (who seems destined to stay the anonymous commenter!)

March 28, 2007 at 10:50:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Honey, you are SO NOT BROKEN. This woman does not know you. You are strong and the strength that you have been cultivating shines through. We are cheering for you and will continue to. Your strength and positive attitude is an inspiration for so many people, of this I am positive.

I absolutely agree with you (and have told you this before) that timing is the key here. It WILL happen and you WILL and already ARE a loving, nurturing and beautiful Mommy.

I love you (and your new hair.

March 28, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

girlfriend! i can hear you roaring all the way in texas! i can! i absolutely love this post because you took your power into your hands and dared to say, 'this is what i want.' so often we don't do that and people are only able to give us what they think is best to give us. we're at their mercy. but look at you...demanding from the universe what you want and need. brava! you are beautiful and fabulous. you are perfect, WHOLE, and complete. and you totally rock!

i love you baby doll!

March 28, 2007 at 11:22:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Dreamer Girl said...

Beautiful you,

Ever since I first read your words I felt inspired by your strength and wisdom.

You are a beautiful loving mommy and you are passing your wisdom on to your baby as you live and breath.

I believe in you.

XO Sophie

March 28, 2007 at 11:29:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

Hello love:)

I am thinking right now to see if I have ever felt pity for you... I do not think i have.

I think I have felt in awe of you, of your strength.

I have felt blessed. Blessed to have come in contact with such an inspiring wonderful woman who teaches me each day to live a full life and seek out the lessons in each day.

So, no. You are not broken, you are not broken at all. You are beautiful.

xoxox

March 28, 2007 at 11:41:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful Boho,

I have been a faithful reader of your blog for quite sometime. I have thought, on many occasions about posting a comment to share with you how your words and photos inspire me, but have always shied away from doing so. Today as I read your blog, I realized it was time to let go of my own insecurities about saying the right thing and speak from my heart, the way you have always spoken to me...so that you would know that I believe...
You are beautiful, from every angle, through and through.
You inspire with your words, images and honesty.
You are stong and whole and amazing.
I beleive in you, your husband and your child and this journey you are taking...
I thank you for taking me with you.
I thank you for keeping it real...
k

March 28, 2007 at 11:58:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

thank you for reminding me that *we* give meaning to our lives. other people's definitions can be appreciated (or not) and left along our path.

motherhood is a journey that is different for everyone - and you are already on your way.

all the best.

March 28, 2007 at 12:27:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous lotus said...

trust me, the universe has a grand design, a plan for you. in the future you will soon find yourself pregnant and ripe and then a tiny baby and the tiny baby changes everything.

it's crazy! relish your journey, reap the love from your husband and then sew your land. time is a good thing, you are growing into the person you should be.

Ooooo what a lucky loved little soul this person is going to be!

just always believe, i know you do

here's to the goddess of fertility gracing you~

xo

March 28, 2007 at 12:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Fern said...

You know sometimes people just don't know what to say. Becasue different people neeed to hear differnt things at different times and points in their lives.
I never saw you as broken I have been so amazed by you. I have learned so much from you and been able to find a deeper spirtual place in my own life because of leasson I have learned from you. I have never seen you as having trouble with words. I have a horrible time with written word. I have grown to feel as if I know you.
I know it is going to happen for you. You are going to be the best boho parents.

March 28, 2007 at 12:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Angela said...

Kindred,

You are strong. Your strength has guided me my entire life. You are, and always will be, my inspiration.

The mantra that gets me through the day (I think I already wrote this to you): I experience my emotions and channel them into useful, positive actions.

I love you so much.

Love,
Your kindred

March 28, 2007 at 1:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

Beautiful sister ~*~

You and I are flesh and bone. We share the wonderful privilage of being real family, having childhood memories together and the honor to say, that your daddy is also mine and your marmie is also mine too.

You are NOT broken!

I KNOW who you are and what I know are the actual facts and events of your entire life from baby, to becoming the woman you are today.

You are NOT broken!!

I have had the delight of kissing your soft infant face and snuggling your tiny child formed body.

You are Not broken!!!

Broken is who you are NOT...and I know who you are...

You are a Warrior!!!!

From the time you were born, you fought for your own life and raised yourself out of deaths grip. I have witnesssed you battle diseases and win. I have seen the physical beating your body has been put through by way of more than one serious accident and your strength always fought back. For you, this is just another challenge and if I were to judge you now with my knowledge of how you have handled your past, I would have to say,

You are a Champion!!!!!

You are tenacity and strength, bold and courageous, wise and competent

You are capable to accomplish anything that you pour yourself into because I have seen, with my own eyes, your history of successes one after another after another. Oh no, little sister of mine...

You are NOT broken!!!!!!!

Forever will I believe in you. I would place my very own life into your hands knowing that it would be cared for with your powerful, loving strength. You WILL have this baby...YOU WILL!!!!!!!!

I love you into eternity

your big sister,
OXOXOX Darlene

March 28, 2007 at 2:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Nic Bridges said...

Good on you Boho - I know you can do it! I have to admire your positive attitude - I have banished negativity from my life too, and it feels so wonderful!!!

March 28, 2007 at 2:50:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh darling- you give me such strength and courage.

You carry such strength wisdom and power.

Some people just project victim thinking because they are trapped in that themselves.

Sadly some people need a reason to be gentle and loving instead of being that way all the time.

I too am looking at all the gifts and trusting the timing will be right-for both of us.

I love you
xoxoxox

by the way this photo is enchanting

March 28, 2007 at 3:01:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

Angel... I love that you are asking for what you need ~ affirmations.

You are so mighty and brave to post about your anger. Anger is not a bad thing, it's powerful and useful and signifies a shift in thought, bringing about positive change when it's channeled in a positive way. Which you are absolutely doing. I love you. You are an inspiration, truly.

If I lived closer I would come knock on your door, in my pj's, and give you a great big hug and smooch.

Then we'd open a bottle of {really good} wine and we would just spill... and watch reruns of the L word. Or Anne of Green Gables since I have never seen it.

You are in a good place, I feel it from you constantly. I hope you do continue to venture out into the world socially and not give up your superpowers to people, or ideas, like you spoke about because you positively light up a room with your aura, smile and personality and the world needs your fabulousness.

Here is an affirmation I have on a post-it on my computer that I took from Oprah:
I am available for more good than I have ever experienced, imagined or realized before.

love you. xoxo

p.s. gorgeous and thoughtful photo

March 28, 2007 at 3:44:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

You are so not broken. I think you are saying it exactly like it is and I wouldn't want that pity either. I think it's very easy to find out whether someone has kids or not without asking that question and I wish people would be more sensitive to that. I think you are handling it all so amazing and brave and I'm glad you are doing what you need to protect yourself.

PS. Isn't it a fabulous light breezy feeling to have your hair cut off?

March 28, 2007 at 4:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

i already see you as a mama, love - there is no question in my mind that this will be the reality! there is so much other fantastic stuff coming along for you rigt now that i know it's all working to a divine plan for you and CK. i could never pity you in a million years - you're just too kick-ass fabulous for that :-) love you xo

March 28, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous bella said...

I love those affirmations.. and I believe, like you do, to trust the timing of it all.
Everything will unfold as the universe plans it to.

March 28, 2007 at 5:30:00 PM PDT  
Blogger leonie said...

things happen at the perfect moment and i know that you know that. i believe you are being prepared for something so wonderful it will be even better than you ever could have imagined. i think sometimes, if we were given the gift of foresight, that nothing would be as truly wondrous as it is when it finally does happen. everything is perfect and as it should be and i believe that you and your honey will conceive at the perfect time. no, you are not broken and i don't believe you are to be pitied. i admire your strength, your courage, your honesty.

March 28, 2007 at 5:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Wendee said...

Not articulate? No - you're being very honest and clear in your feelings. Your conviction and strength are amazing. After reading your mantra, an imagine of you as a ripening fruit came to my mind, you're starting to turn from light green to gold (I'm not sure what kind of fruit. Maybe a pear)... and I then imagined you becoming very juicy (I mean that in the not-so weird way), fertile, warm and sweet and full...

Sending warm thoughts to all the strong women out there that are SO NOT broken!

March 28, 2007 at 6:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kathleen said...

i feel everything you are saying.
keep breathing deeply,
beautiful, strong sister.
it will happen.
i am glad to know that you feel it, too.

everyone loves you so much...i am thinking they are reflecting their we-want-boho-to-have-a-baby-so-badly wishes on you...they are feeling sad and don't know what to say. they want it for you, too.

sigh.

thank you for sharing your journey. xoxo

March 28, 2007 at 6:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amanda said...

i love the strength in your words. you are so beautiful. strong. able to love who you are.
i respect how you are so brave to ask for what you want.
xoxo.
amanda

March 28, 2007 at 7:13:00 PM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

your blog was the first blog that i read after losing my babies that made me want to reach out, that made me believe that i could be strong and joyful again ... the strength and beauty that pours out of your words, your photos, your jewelry, your art has given me such inspiration and has helped me to write out my own journey and be true to myself ... you are an amazing woman and your baby is going to be so incredibly lucky to have you, beautiful boho mama ...

i sat down and read every one of your posts shortly after finding you and i never once pitied you, just the opposite, i was in awe of you ...

xox

March 28, 2007 at 7:26:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Bohemian Mom said...

I stop by to read your blog every once in a while, and I think YOU ROCK!!!
So many women have babies to "complete" their lives, "fulfill" their marriage, etc.
YOUR little hippie baby is going to be born into an already complete, already whole marriage with cool, boho parents who are solid and "comfortable in their own skin".
If only every child could come into this world so fortunate and secure.
I read once that every baby chooses his parents and his time to be born...yours is just spoiled and getting everything his own way already!!
I totally advocate your approach to a holistic path.
And like I said...You Rock!

March 28, 2007 at 7:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mollie said...

Wow. I've been reading your blog for months now and broken is not a word I would ever use to describe you. I have a feeling these people are tranfering how they would feel if they were in your situation, onto you (make sense?). I admire how grounded you are and how much love you pour into the world. You know who you are and that's all that matters.

Best,
Mollie

March 28, 2007 at 8:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bee said...

you, my amazing goddess, have inspired NOTHING but awe in me. you are fully present in each moment, you are loving and creative, and so beautifully gentle and honest with yourself. it is a wonder to come here and read your story.

i have complete faith that your boho babe is coming. it's just a mystical, magical being for mystical, magical parents - the alchemy just takes time. anybody who doesn't see that, or pities you for it, even just for a second, doesn't see the wonderfulness of you and c. doesn't see how (even though it's challenging, i have no doubt) fulfilling in its own way this time is for you both.

i'm sending you love...as always.

what kind of yoga was it? :)

March 28, 2007 at 8:26:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Sam said...

What a mighty roar you have! I think this was very coherent, as coherent as such a deeply emotional thing can be. And I know that hairdresser was only being kind, in the way she knew how. I also believe - as I have believed that my own child(ren) will find their way to me -that your beautiful child is on its way to you, in its own timing. When it comes, it will be SO RIGHT - and in the meantime you are shining light in so many ways - this is part of your path. And you are so wise to look at the situation from this quiet, holy place. You are healthy, strong, beautiful, full of light and love. Only good things can come from that.

March 28, 2007 at 8:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger renovating this heart said...

Thinking of you. I want to say more, but not many words are coming right now. I think you are amazing, but I understand this post and your feelings and frustrations. They make a lot of sense. I have been there too.

March 28, 2007 at 10:22:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bronxbt said...

you're one of the most amazing women i've ever met... and we've never even locked eyes, shared a hug or a laugh.

you ARE wonderful.
never apologize for a rant or rave.
that's what WE'RE here for.

hugs.

B

P.S. i had a sneeze today that sounded like my word verification: jnfaarfu (!)

March 28, 2007 at 10:28:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

pity is not a word or thought that has ever come to mind reading your posts. admiration, awe, strength, warmth, gentleness - all those things and more but never pity.

i am wearing my lovely boho necklace to celebrate the beauty and kindness you put out into the world.

best wishes,
amy

March 28, 2007 at 10:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful, and an inspiration and a muse to many. Your little boho baby is coming--I believe this with ALL of my heart! And he/she will be beautiful and blessed with such amazing, cool, creative, artistic, brilliant parents.

This is SO going to happen. I check in here all the time because I KNOW I am going to read that here someday soon.

To quote Jung, I don't BELIEVE, I KNOW.

March 28, 2007 at 11:04:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous nel said...

I understand what you are saying and where your anger is coming from...I hate pity from others, it's so condescending!

You are not broken, you are strong and beautiful and you inspire me! Nel xo

March 29, 2007 at 1:12:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gkgirl said...

you can do it...
you will do it...
it will happen.

sending you hugs
of the most encouraging
kind
:)

March 29, 2007 at 3:58:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Leigh said...

Hi D

This is one of the most articulate posts ever - I love that you are able to give your feelings so clear a voice.

those affirmations are so great - I am copying them, printing them up and I will start saying them myself too!

And again, a beautiful photo!

March 29, 2007 at 8:20:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Ki said...

I've long been bothered by pity, and felt like a heel for reacting so violently to other people connecting and feeling sorry for me.

But now I think I understand. Thank you for sharing that bit of wisdom.

What this world would be if people gave positive affirmations rather than pity...

March 29, 2007 at 10:30:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

Oh she's coming... that naughty girl of yours who is waiting so very long. She's waiting because she knows she needs a mom who is as magnificent as she can be. Because this little girl is a goddess. A goddess?, you ask. Of course. She's your daughter. What else would she be.

March 29, 2007 at 11:11:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Alex aka Gypsy Girl said...

Oh Boho girl! You are already creating life and energy with your honest voice and your multiple talents! Boho boy and boho baby are extremely lucky! :D When I think of you, pity is definitely NOT what comes to mind. Instead, I see strong, beautiful, creative, inspiring, maternal, caring, prolific, colorful, feminine and fertile! Yes! Because in such lush landscape life grows abundantly! xxox

March 29, 2007 at 11:15:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Irie said...

I'm going to tell you what I told my boss (who has been dealing with the same issues)- that is going to be one LOVED baby.

March 29, 2007 at 7:21:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sophie said...

Your little baby boho is on the way.
And you will be tooo busy photograhing
her/him/them to run your business.

so work on your business now because VERY soon
you won't have this time!

hugs:)

March 29, 2007 at 7:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

YOU AMAZE ME! i admire your courage and your strength, but in no way do i pity you for what you are going through. in fact i've passed your blog on to many of my friends that are also going through the same things... because your words are so uplifting, your mindset is clear, and you are a beautiful beacon to all of us... regardless of what trial we are each facing.

your words have given me courage. i've cried in your days of sadness and i've danced in your days of happiness. and mostly i've felt more courageous about facing life in my own way, in honesty, because of the way that you live your life.

honestly, i can't express it properly here. but thank you for your amazing-ness, i'm not sure that's a word really. ;-D

March 29, 2007 at 10:21:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Rebecca F. said...

Maybe people aren't pitying you but rather projecting their own feelings on to your situation. They may not be as strong or as focused as you are and under the stress of trying to conceive, they would be overwhelmed with sadness.

Many people assume that others would feel the same way as they would in a similar situation. They assume you are not "broken" but simply infinitely sad. Additionally most of the general public do not have the self awareness, strength and grace that you demonstrate. They would not assume that you have the peace in your heart to say "what will be will be", because they do not have that peace.

Do not worry about their pity Boho girl. Instead know that they, in their lack of knowledge and their simple judgements, do feel for your quest and are doing the only thing that they know how - a poor attempt at empathy.

In a different vein, I emailed a friend a different conception affirmation every single day beginning with her period. She got pregnant a few months later. Was it me? Likely not, but I felt honored that she allowed me into her journey.

Hugs of the warm supportive kind to you today.

March 30, 2007 at 5:34:00 AM PDT  
Blogger gerry rosser said...

You will receive, and give the world, the gift of new life in the fullness of time.

March 30, 2007 at 6:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger rubyslippers said...

You are whole, you are perfect, you are an inspiration to us all.
love to you, dear one.

March 30, 2007 at 2:39:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

What a great post.

I have friends who were in the same place. Nothing "wrong", just didn't get pregnant for whatever reason. And she felt this way, too. And they wanted to do things the same way...And then it happened. And then it happened again before she was even done nursing the first one, without even trying! This is the way life works. lol! She had the right attitude the whole time.

And so do you in my book.

And I love your new shoter hair. ;)

:)

March 31, 2007 at 1:36:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

It was so nice to see you over at my place. ;)

In answer to your question, my friends were married for four years before they started "trying", but not being "careful". Then it was about four years of trying. Then it's a funny story, because they were keeping track of her cycles and temps and all that, and she saw that they had to DO IT RIGHT NOW! And they happened to be at a big family Easter Party. So little Alexandra was made on top of her little nieces toddler bed and Dora sheets, while her family hunted eggs on Easter Sunday. LOL!

It all worked out. And she was 36 when she got preggers the first time, 37, the next.

Maybe this Easter will be lucky for you, too. :)

:)

March 31, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

And PS, I am wearing something beautiful made by your sister right now!

;)

March 31, 2007 at 5:06:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

Boho - I will never forget how your words helped me when Steve was sick. Every time a negative thought popped into my head I would wish his brain healthy, I would wish the tumor away, I would wish that he would be okay. When the MRI came back and said the tumor had not grown in the year prior, it felt so good.

Now, you are doing this same thing for yourself. I am so amazed by you. You can do this. You are wonderful. You will make such a great mother - SOON.

LC

April 1, 2007 at 10:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

You are
beautiful
inspiring
whole

You have
depth
understanding
wisdom

I love you!!

You are not broken. You are more whole than most.

xo

April 1, 2007 at 7:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger magicaldamselfly said...

God knows what we need and when we need it. He also knows your baby, every hair on it's head, and he knows when the time is right for that child to be born and no one can rush Gods wisdom.
You are not broken, God does not make junk (broken or otherwise).
Be strong and God will give you your hearts desire in His time.

xoxoxo,
Sheila

April 2, 2007 at 12:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger wordnerd said...

Boho, longtime lurker, first time commenter...your post made me weep.

You are strong and funny and will soon parent with grace and spirituality. This is going to happen for you! You are not broken.

April 2, 2007 at 4:37:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Swirly said...

To see that this thing called "perfect timing" exists out there for you - that it is waiting for you and cheering you on and pulling you forward is the best place to be, and I love that you have chosen to wake up each day with this vision. What an inspiration for anyone on ANY journey. You are a rock star!

April 2, 2007 at 5:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

you are not broken...

...by any means!


(so glad i found your blog:)

April 3, 2007 at 4:56:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Mia said...

Hi. I don't know you from a bar of soap. I remember that when Andrea was trying to get pregnant I told her something my therapist told me about my desire to be pregnant. She said to me "you are already pregnant". I said I didn't know what she meant. And she told me to just sit with it.

I honestly still don't quite know what it meant. But maybe you are already pregnant with so many things or maybe you are pregnant but it is just waiting to manifest itself. When I told Andrea this she said that she was in fact 'pregnant with pregnancy'.

Anyhoo, I too believe that your baby is on its way.
Mia

April 3, 2007 at 7:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your hairdresser asks you if you've got kids? Wow. I'm 35 and I've never been asked this by a hairdresser. They only ever ask what I'm doing for my holidays.

You're a lot braver and more civil than me. What business is it of anyone else's? If someone asked me that question I'd just say 'no'.

April 4, 2007 at 6:42:00 AM PDT  

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