i am not broken
self portrait, canon digital rebel xt
Yesterday and today I have felt really tender, a bit bruised in the heart. I know how to sooth this but I also know it takes time, so I am allowing myself to feel whatever it is I do in this moment in order to let it pass.
I've noticed this past year I haven't been as social as usual. I shy away from going out into groups or even one on one's. I haven't really taken time to analyze it much and come up with a specific answer as to why. I know part of it is that I've just been really busy and focused on my business. Some of it has been about me cultivating my friendships with people that live far away through phone calls and emails, where I didn't have the luxury to "go out" in order to see them. Yesterday, the main reason as to why I shy away from being social became pretty clear to me.
I was at my hair salon finally getting my hair cut short to my shoulders (pics to come in a later post). I had been feeling so at peace lately. Very strong. Very secure. Really on top of my game. I wanted to cut my hair as a symbol of letting go of old ways of thinking. I haven't cut it short in about 10 years...so it was time for a fresh new look and feel. My stylist was out on maternity leave, so I was at the mercy of another stylist who I didn't know. She asked me the typical get to know you questions and I readied myself for the "so, do you guys have kids?" one. When she asked me and I told her that we are trying, she asked me for how long. When I said "two and a half years", it was the look on her face that hit me as to why I am not as social as I used to be. She suddenly had this look of pity for me, for us and what we're going through. I heard her tone turn a bit softer and felt her hands work with my hair a bit gentler, as if I was going to break into pieces right there in her chair. I hate this. I really really hate this.
I don't want people (friends, family, strangers) to see me as broken. I am not broken. Just because I don't get pregnant from my husband sneezing on me doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. We've had all the tests and are able to get pregnant naturally and for some reason, it is taking us a while but even if there was something "wrong" with me, I still would not be broken. I choose to believe there is a deeper spiritual purpose to this all. That we are actually blessed because we've been able to nurture our marriage, our careers and really define who we are as individuals before our baby comes into our life. I choose to believe that even though our baby is not with us yet in the physical, that its spirit is near me always and therefor, I already feel like a mother. We are choosing to trust the timing. Everyone on this journey has their own way of dealing with it that feels right to them. There is no "right or wrong" way. We have chosen the holistic route and that feels right to us. Other people I have met (not all but some) that have done IVF or IUI wonder why we aren't going there. I need people to be patient with our choices.
I know I sound angry. I guess I am. And that's okay. I am letting myself be angry and I am letting the tears fall as I write this. I am not angry at any one person, nor am I angry at myself. I am angry at the idea that anyone would pity me. I know nobody has the intention to hurt or upset me. In fact, it is always the opposite. They come from a place of caring and wanting to fix this for me...but I don't need to be fixed.
I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is pity. I loathe it and it seems whenever I go out, there is always someone that looks at me like "oh you poor thing". So, I choose to not go there so that I can remain in the strong, confident place where I am. It seems some people cannot believe that I really do feel positive about this journey. Every once in awhile, I will get a comment here that says something along the lines of..."I know you're being positive but this must be hard, right?". Or if I am out with someone and they see that I am beaming, glowing and sharing all the lessons I've learned from this, they look at me like..."oh come on, you must be in denial, this totally sucks."
Comments like that do not help me. I don't need people feeling sorry for me. What I need is people to believe I can do this. That my husband and I can create life together. That my eggs and his sperm are healthy and when the time is right, they will join the cool and groovy way they were meant to. I need people to cheer me on and not try to get me to talk about hurtful feelings when I am in a positive place. I need people to accept that I am in a positive place and it doesn't mean I am in denial. I really am feeling positive and at peace.
I have had my dark and dreary days and for some reason, the further I go into this journey, the stronger I become. There are so many other amazing things happening in my life that I do not define myself as "the woman trying to conceive". I am so many other things in my life right now.
I am sorry I am not being very articulate. I am sort of using this post as a free writing exercise, I suppose.
A wonderful friend wrote me an email of affirmations the other day. She gave me a mantra to say out loud to myself:
"I am fertile. My ovaries produce healthy eggs. My womb is healthy. My eggs are ripe and open for fertilization. My mind, soul and body are open to receiving a fertilized egg. My womb is a harmonious home which is open to implanting my fertilized egg. My body is healthy. I am a mother whose baby is on it's way."
This is what I believe and this is what I need everyone in my life to believe for me.
I am so, so grateful for all the positive support and encouragement I have received here, from my family and my friends. I am just tired of the other stuff that comes my way that seems to set me back.
Today I need affirmations so that I can wash away the look of pity she had on her face yesterday as it seems to keep popping into my head.
Off to yoga...