Monday, May 28

my own voice

katie & nolan, canon digital rebel xti

The last few days I have realized that bit by bit...I have allowed the practitioners on this journey of mine to take some power away from me. I have allowed their reactions, their opinions, their idea of statistics or perhaps even their moods on that particular day dictate how I feel about my body and how it is working. When really...if I hushed those voices and listened to my own voice down deep within, I would hear the truth. The truth is my body is beautiful. It is fertile. It is abundant and it will grow life. I am not a statistic. I am a woman. I am a fertile woman. Down deep in my gut I have always known this but when someone else doesn't feel so sure, I have let them take this knowing away from me.

I am learning some tools to help me maintain this knowing. I am doing some deep digging into my heart and allowing myself to feel again. To be in touch. Even with the pain. The pain I was afraid of and wanted to keep quiet.

Someone very wise said to me today..."The opposite of pain is not pleasure...it is numbness."

I don't want to be numb. Even if it means embracing the sadness. The sadness isn't bad. It is part of the longing I have for our child which is beautiful and just means I am alive. And being alive means I am one step closer on the path to where my baby will meet me. Which is good. So good.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are absoutely right I have been guilty of letting someone take power away from me and over time I gained that power back. I definately wish you the best.

May 28, 2007 at 9:04:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was a beautiful read, Denise.
So truthfull and strong.

`The opposite of pain is not pleasure...it is numbness.´

Something made me feel numb yesterday, I felt I just had to sit with it. Today however, i don´t want the numbness here. Your words have given me strength in this. Thanks my love.

Sending a big hug over the ocean!

xoxo silvia

May 29, 2007 at 12:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lady Prism said...

What a beautiful realization...Yours seem to cement mine as well.

Warm read..thank you..

May 29, 2007 at 1:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Goddess Leonie * GoddessGuidebook.com said...

i think that's all we can do...
it's the best wisdom we can listen to...
the one inside ourselves.

i get asked quite a lot if i connect to a spiritual guide out there...
and for me, the answer is that i connect with the wise woman inside of me.

bless you for you hearing the KNOWING inside of you.


p.s. a lullaby just came into my head. see if you can guess which one.

May 29, 2007 at 4:47:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Deirdre said...

It's so easy, when you're feeling vulnerable and scared, to let another person influence how you feel about yourself. Good for you for taking that back, for claiming your own power.

May 29, 2007 at 5:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amanda said...

i am inspired by this post. to listen to my own heart and feelings.

May 29, 2007 at 6:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

My pom poms are out and raised high in the breeze for you sweets.

May 29, 2007 at 7:52:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

beautiful boho,

what an empowering realization!
as i read your post today i was reminded of a chinese proverb that reads:
"to get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping."
that is what i find most beautiful about you, denise. step by step you journey toward motherhood. here in this space you share with us
some of your highs and lows...you allow us to witness your courage and strength...you welcome our best wishes and affirmations as you continue down this path...always learning...forever growing...you move forward, following your heart ...and in doing so, you inspire so many to do the same.
love, k

May 29, 2007 at 9:50:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Fran said...

You are beautiful.

May 29, 2007 at 10:13:00 AM PDT  
Blogger xxxxx said...

What an empowering realisation that is!!!

May 29, 2007 at 11:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger michael morrow said...

Dearest Boho's,
I'm a 60 year old Viet Nam vet., father of six beautiful children,husband to three wonderful women whose claim to a certain portion of my heart's real estate remains stong as ever, albeit evolved past live-in status, exceedingly, used to be extremely--before I added spirituality to the mix, religious samuri man of love, light, and willingness to stand in the name of all goodness those of us conscious, have come forth at this time to bear witness of. I am writing as a fond reader of your wisdom and beauty. I have been reaing your intimate heart for a few months now and continue to be ever honored to share in your strength and courage. The main purpose of this life is to learn. I am ever impressed with your willingness to allow public access to your wonderfully insightfull and empoweringly delightful heart's learning space. I am especially honored today to read of your recent epiphany of the place of "experts" in your personal life. There is no doubt these technological wizards ahve a place in our society. I am reinforeced as I read your personal revelation and renewed committment to take their information with a grain of salt.

I want to say one more thing, with all respect. I found after three, and #four in the wings, marriages and six wonderful children that in those moments of feeling alone, waiting for someone as vital and important in my life as a spouce or child, to "show-up", the feelings of longing and loneliness were messages to me about me. Patience is never waiting. Patience is knowing the will of (whatever and wherever you see wisdom originating from). Recognizing myself as the master of my universe and embracing all the self-respect, love, absolute divine beauty IAM allows me to allow others, including well deserved arrival of wonderful children--family from another dimension--the same degree of freedom my desire to be in relationship with them represents.
You and your wonderful husband know all the answers, and have all the information you need and deserve to chart your life's path in the way that will serve you and those within your sphere of influence to the highest good of all concerned. Yes, feel free to seek the advice and knowledge of the experts. But in the end, when the doors close and the lights go out, your heart is spot on is all personal matters. You will always choose what serves you best. The purpose of life is to learn. Every choice you make will serve your highest good because no one knows what you deserve to learn than do you.

Peace and love sweet sister...head on. Michael

May 29, 2007 at 12:40:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


May 29, 2007 at 2:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

Feel for you girl....thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

May 29, 2007 at 2:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

a wonderful realization, strong words, strong thoughts ... yah you :)

May 29, 2007 at 3:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mindy said...

you are powerful. and fertile. and knowing. and beautifully alive. xo

May 29, 2007 at 6:28:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very profound thoughts here. I love your energy, your approach, and your outlook on your journey to motherhood. This is a great post to look back on if you ever have a downer day.

May 29, 2007 at 9:08:00 PM PDT  
Blogger rubyslippers said...

you are a beautiful fertile woman. i've never for once doubted that. you're abundant divine female energy radiates.

May 29, 2007 at 9:37:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

yay! now this is your journey!

May 30, 2007 at 10:37:00 AM PDT  

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