<

Thursday, May 24

what is it like?



i'm hurting
cried hard into my pillow this morning
then gazing up to our indigo ceiling
asked for what i wanted so deeply

i want our baby
with our big sparkly eyes
and gentle ways

yesterday i was standing at the post office
a beautiful couple stood near me with their baby
he looked at me with his big blue eyes and curly hair

i couldn't stop starring
neither could he
i felt the longing so deep
so primal

but i looked away and took a deep breath
this morning, when all was quiet in our home
i searched some blogs because i don't have time to do that any more
and found out a blogger is pregnant

i was happy for them, so happy
then i shut my laptop and cried
i saw that baby's face again
with his big blue eyes and curly hair

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts
deep ache
deep moan within

my life is blessed
with an extraordinary husband
loving and committed friends
an unbelievably cool family
and a blossoming career
and more...so much more

these blessings keep me distracted
but i never forget
it's always lingering...that pain

that longing
that primal need to feel a baby growing in my womb
what is it like?
does it flutter, does it swirl?
what is it like to smell the skin of a tiny human being
that was created by pure uninhibited love?

i will know
this is what i tell myself...every day
does the spirit of my baby hear me crying?
do they know how much we love him/her?
do they know how much they are wanted?

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
must.
let.
tears.
fall.

yesterday i felt on top of the world
today it hurts.

such is the ebb and flow of life,
i suppose.

beat your drums
light a candle
play your guitar
hum a song
dance in swirls
burn your sage
and say a prayer, make a wish,
for our future baby.

thank you...

46 Comments:

Blogger Star said...

Lighting a candle and send a prayer up on the warm scent.

May 24, 2007 at 8:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger clarawan said...

hey there, just browsing and read your blog, i find it quite interesting.

i love the pictures you take, they are awesome! hope to see more!

cheers
clara

oh and in all things, just pray

May 24, 2007 at 8:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Amanda said...

tears falling as i read this...
and a prayer for your baby.
sending you love while you sit with the sadness....

May 24, 2007 at 8:46:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

oh my love. i feel you. i love you. and i am so sorry. i know what this past month meant to you, both of you. i want to call you, reach out, but i feel your need for quiet, compassion and tribal support.

i found out about another friend being due in the fall this morning and i am now quiet, i read your words with empathy and tears.

keep talking to your baby, remember what the psychic told you. you WILL know what it's like.

thinking of you and holding you close, angel. xoxo

May 24, 2007 at 9:03:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Ali la Loca said...

Good for you for getting it out like this. I believe it does help, no matter how long the delay for what you wish for.

I am thinking fertile thoughts for you and your husband, and sending a prayer for baby.

May 24, 2007 at 9:04:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Megan said...

My prayers are with you! I know how you feel. Deep breaths!

May 24, 2007 at 9:13:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

I am in the exact same space. A huge hug winging its way to you all the way from the UK. Thank you for putting your feelings here so eloquently. Maybe your future baby, and my future baby, are somehow watching and surrounding our hearts in love as we long for them.

May 24, 2007 at 9:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

I'm sorry you're hurting, friend.

sending you love,
B

May 24, 2007 at 10:20:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

A candle has been lit and the intention made. Sending you love and peace beautiful you.

May 24, 2007 at 10:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

I am so sad that you are hurting.

Lighting a candle and saying a prayer that you and your little one find eachother very soon.

XXXOOO

May 24, 2007 at 10:43:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous mccabe said...

i too am sorry that you are hurting....

but am proud that you are owning it....expressing it...not shoving it under a rug but instead asking for support and understanding.

i know your babe is on its way.....and i will be happy to hold your hand in the meantime.

xx

May 24, 2007 at 11:44:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Michele Hoffman said...

Hi Darlin~
I haven't been very vocal lately...but I read every precious word you write.

My heart hurts with yours, my tears fall with yours & my prayers for peace & comfort go up for you. Prayers that this longing of your heart & soul will be forfilled...& in the perfect timing.

Love to you D,

Michele

May 24, 2007 at 11:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

oh dearie. my tears can't be contained. i wish that i could just hand you my fertility in a little bottle, pour it over you, and let that happiness just seep into your soul. but i can't. i can't even wish away your sadness, because it's real and it's purposeful, and i wouldn't rob you of your emotions.

i know my words can't take away the sting in your heart; that my tears won't wash away the feeling of betrayal that you may be feeling. but know that the cummulative love of all of us bloggers has to mean something.

you will grow a little human boho within you. you will feel the flutters, the jabs, the twists, the turns, and even the pain that babies bring. i know you will.

May 24, 2007 at 11:53:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have a beautiful doll from peru that i carried with me, a doll blessed to bring fertility. i will rub it for you so you can have your baby with boho eyes and beautiful baby skin. she or he is there, just waiting for you, for the time.

May 24, 2007 at 12:04:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Dreamer Girl said...

candle light is flickering
incense is burning
bohemian beads dance around my neck

~*~i am holding you in my heart~*~

xoxoxo silvia

May 24, 2007 at 12:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kristin said...

I recently read somewhere something that stuck with me..."If you want to see a rainbow, you have to walk in the rain." This too shall pass. I am feeling very thoughtful of you and another dear friend of my who is fertile, but can't seem to continue through a pregnancy and has recently experienced their third miscarriage in 2 years. I bring this up because even though I am sure you know, I want to remind you that you are not alone. I am not going to try and understand exactly how you feel, but when you're hurting, all who read your blogs to some degree feel your pain. I know I feel it. I hope and pray that your baby comes soon so that he/she will finally know how much they are loved and wanted and needed by you and your hubby. Lots of Love! ♥

May 24, 2007 at 12:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

dancing in swirls of hope and certainty, a candle will be lit and smile will float across ... it will happen ... hugs

May 24, 2007 at 12:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Susannah said...

It's actually meg! I'm at Sus's computer - sweet girl - we will talk to you soon. Hold on. We both love you so much. xoox

May 24, 2007 at 1:03:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous long time reader, first time poster said...

I know how hard it is to hear something optimistic when you feel sad, and I do not wish to diminish your right to feel and grieve, I simply find much comfort in this quote. I hope you do to, if not now, some day soon.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." Rilke

May 24, 2007 at 1:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous LB said...

denise, sometimes i'm startled by the way you take my exact emotions and spin them into something even more profound and pause-worthy.

i love your poem.

May 24, 2007 at 3:50:00 PM PDT  
Blogger renovating this heart said...

Oh, those emotional times that ebb and flow in our lives... they can be so hard and so sudden. I'm sitting in a hotel room in San Diego on a bed checking my favorite blogs... and I'm gonna do a little "Jig O' Hope" right now for you and your future boho baby.

May 24, 2007 at 5:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))and a promise to continually pray for you that you will be blessed with a beautiful blue eyed bundle!!!

You are amazing, don't ever forget that!!!

Keep your chin up!

Thinking of you!!!!!

May 24, 2007 at 5:10:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cried soft gentle tears from deep painful knowing for you today. The tears in your voice weigh heavy on my heart, because I feel you darling. I really FEEL you.

I am a bit speechless - but full of love for you.

toe to toe

love you

May 24, 2007 at 6:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

beautiful boho,

i wish i could say something that would make the hurt stop, although i know that is not what you have asked of me here today.
so know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
i believe...
k

May 24, 2007 at 6:34:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Fern/Fran said...

I am going to cry with you then light a candle, do a dance , burn my insence , and hold you in the joy and light of my heart. What ever you need me to do ask.

May 24, 2007 at 7:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger me-nikk said...

Just another small reminder that you are loved and perfect, right where you are.

May 24, 2007 at 8:52:00 PM PDT  
Blogger nikinpos said...

Yeah, flutters and swirls, thats right. I really hope you get to feel it soon. Sending a heap of hope for you from Italy..xx

May 25, 2007 at 1:14:00 AM PDT  
Blogger She Who Flies said...

I am so moved by your poem, your hurt and your plea. I know your life is full of blessings and that you recognize that but one can't deny the pain of what is dear but still missing. I share similar feelings, although not as intensely yet. You express yourself so beautifully so I'll run this by you. Have you ever thought of calling your child into being? During my studies, I was so fascinated by the Australian Aboriginal concept of Spirit Children, who wait sitting on a tree for their parent to dream them into being. My healing and spiritual path has taught me that everything already exists at some level. I feel you'll understand because it's clear you feel that child so closely, yet still unattainable. So I'm suggesting you use your beautiful creative skills to invite that child into your life, without the sadness, without any pressure nor urgency but with the joy of being united. Just write him/her a poem. Write/sing/dream your child into being. I wish you well, and all the joy you deserve. Blessings,

May 25, 2007 at 3:37:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I am thinking of you and wishing you well...
Love,
D.

May 25, 2007 at 5:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger red sun said...

i'm sitting in silent prayer for you and your babe, and wishing peace for both of you.
hugs

May 25, 2007 at 6:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Romina said...

I sure will...

And I'm hugging you so tight right now...

May 25, 2007 at 6:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Erin said...

My prayers are with you guys that you will be blessed with a baby of your own. My eyes are streaming for you and my heart aches for you. You are loved and thought of by many people. What a wonderful gift. (((Hugs)))

May 25, 2007 at 6:40:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Wendee said...

Hugs and prayers to you, for strength and a gentler day.

May 25, 2007 at 6:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Honey said...

Offering up fertile, loving prayers. I believe that you are here for this as you are so open and full of grace. Peace and love to you on your journey!

May 25, 2007 at 9:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Yolanda said...

you know that I know how it feels and am sending you warm thoughts on the journey knowing it will all work out in the end.

May 25, 2007 at 11:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger mama al said...

I will light a candle and send many a boho baby wishes your way...

wish I could help with your pains, but they are so justified and so real....don't lose hope girl,

sending sunshine, warmth an fertility prayers your way...

A

May 25, 2007 at 12:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Wanda said...

Denise: I join all the others in prayer for you, and your child that in the perfect timing will flutter in your womb.
There is a song we sing "In His time, In His time, all things are possible in His time"!
You time will come!
Love and Hugs

May 25, 2007 at 2:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Leigh said...

This post is so beautiful and says perfectly what I am feeling too. That's why I read your blog - we are continents apart but feel the exact same primal longing for a baby inside us. And you have the words to express it.

(my dh told me the other day to watch out in case I scare people with how I stare at their kids)

May 25, 2007 at 3:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Krista said...

I want this for you so badly. Your soft words speak so loudly. I am sorry for your hurt, and inspired by your strength. Prayers for you and yours...

XOXO

May 25, 2007 at 4:26:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous krista said...

wish made.

May 25, 2007 at 7:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

I have so much time to meditate and pray

so much time to bombard the heavens

for you
dear sister
of
mine

I ache for you
xoxoxo dar

May 26, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous katrin said...

i am lighting a candle here in berlin for you... i am sure your baby will come and it will be the perfect boho-baby. maybe it just needs some more ime to show... i wish it will not be much longer...
katrin
p.s. love your blog - i am thankful that it is out there

May 26, 2007 at 1:25:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous krista said...

Boho, you remind me to be grateful. you teach me not to take for granted.

You are amazing and your presence out here in this weird espace is so valued- by me- but also by many more.

May 26, 2007 at 7:48:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bee said...

oh, sweetie,

how can i offer up words to soothe an ache that is so primordial?

i am praying, and hoping. and wishing you get your boho babe soon...

sent with much love...

May 27, 2007 at 3:14:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kathleen said...

praying here.
hard.
sending fertility jou-jou your way
and love.
lots of love.

you are going to be such an amazing mother someday.

xoxoxo

May 31, 2007 at 5:52:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous firstborn said...

i am moved beyond words. i know & feel your pain. sending you all the best wishes.

mary ann

July 6, 2007 at 5:58:00 AM PDT  

Post a Comment

<< Home