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Saturday, May 26

where to go next...


little girl on beach, canon digital rebel XTi

This morning I was drawn towards this portrait I took of a little girl that was at my friends wedding last weekend. I didn't know her except for a few hello's and asking if I could follow her around with my camera. She didn't mind.

This morning I felt like I resonated so much with this moment I captured. I remember her holding onto this rock everywhere she went. It was heavy but she held it close and carefully. She was looking out at the water and wondering if she should toss it in, taking a chance to watch it float or sink...or perhaps she should keep it with her. A tough decision with something you hold so close to your heart and was such a treasure at first but then you begin to feel the weight of its heaviness.

I have felt like this the last few days with my journey to conceive. First I want to thank each and every one of you for leaving such sweet, sensitive, careful and kind words on my previous post. I am so grateful that my readers, my friends have come to know that in times like these it isn't really advice that I need but just tenderness, love, affirmations, encouragement and tons of tons of pom poms to cheer me on. I notice these things...and it has become an integral part of my growth and my strength. Thank you.

For about 10 months now, since I went to my holistic doctor which we now call McMiracle, I have felt so incredibly certain and positive that we were exactly where we needed to be. His treatments were something intriguing and new and allowed us to open our minds, as well as empower us to live organically and healthier. When we first arrived, we heard and read countless stories about couples that have conceived under his treatments in a few months. These were couples that were once told they either would never conceive or it was extremely difficult. Wow...I felt so much hope. Along with the new diet, supplements and herbs he gave us, I also began to put into practice the Law of Attraction, learning that our thoughts truly navigate our lives and emotions. I've just been in a really solid place. Even on the days when I started my cycle, I felt sad but never lost hope.

Prior to this doctor we had been at a Western fertility clinic for about 5 months where I was put on hormones and we did a few insemination's. I couldn't quite put my finger on why but each time I would leave an appointment I felt full of panic, stress, anxiety and fear. We would walk into his office feeling good about some results only to be told..."yes you are normal, but at the low end of normal." Ummm...whatever...we're NORMAL dude...can't we just leave it at that? The line between normal and abnormal is just scary and I know not all clinics work under such limitations but we just happen to go to one, unbeknownst to us until after the fact. There are plenty of other clinics that are gentler and have much more open policies but we were naive to this at the time.

So...it has been a long, long time since I have felt that kind of fear down deep in my gut. 10 months to be exact. Especially the last 5 months or so when my doctor has said that my body is totally ready and healthy to receive a baby.

During my appointment last week, the day I wrote my previous blog post, something shifted. I walked in feeling pretty raw and emotional to begin with. I had spent the whole 1.5 hour drive crying to get it out so that when I arrived I wouldn't shed tears during the visit. I have never really cried in front of my doctor. I never felt like I needed to because I felt so at peace in his presence and he gave me so much hope. He is a very funny guy and what we mostly do is laugh while I am laying on his table getting a treatment. Well, this day there was no laughing. I was laying there quietly, trying not to cry. I think he picked up on my energy because he got quiet as well. I am at the point in my cycle where I could or could not be pregnant and he has ways of testing to see if I might be. It is not a traditional test. It is muscle testing with me holding a vial in my hand. A lot of what he does is different and I have let go of questioning them and just trusted, with faith that he knows what he is doing. I mean, he clearly has a gift based on all these miracles. The night prior, I had eaten a few things that I am not supposed to eat for my blood type. Cashews, pumpkin seeds and an avocado. He was testing me for cashews and then had this look on his face, very perplexed and I heard him say to the nurse that is sitting there with a notepad..."left fallopian tube, right fallopian tube...and right ovary." I asked him if it is showing up that I am pregnant and he said..."no and I am not sure why...your tubes and ovary are off." I grit my teeth and the tears spilled. I couldn't control them and I just let it out. He looked at me in shock (which surprised me...because he just told me something not so fresh) and handed me some tissues. He tried to make a joke but it wasn't funny. I laid there feeling so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I couldn't stop crying as he continued to treat me. He didn't give me much hope like he usually does. He looked more perplexed than hopeful. The only thing he said was..."you need to mentally detox". I wanted to physically push him when he said that but I just walked out of his office to pay up at the reception desk.

On my drive home I realized what I needed him to do was stop what he was doing and let me sit up and TALK to me. I felt for the first time a bit unsafe with him. I also felt confused for the first time. How could my fallopian tubes and ovaries be PERFECT a few weeks ago and today they are all shit because of cashews?!?!?!

Following the blood type diet was something I could control...with a journey that feels so out of control for me. Going to this particular doctor helped me to let go a bit more because there were no specific treatments that needed to be "timed" or thousands of dollars going into one cycle. I felt less pressure, less stressed, which allowed me more time to focus on my business and other life loves.

Laying there, for the first time, I questioned the whole idea of the diet helping us to conceive...and that scared the crap out of me. It scared me because it left me with feelings of...where do I go now, what do we do next, are we on our own again?

We are not quitters and we are very in tune with our hearts. I don't want to turn away from all of this because I am feeling an emotional upheaval. I know I need to take time to decipher if these emotions are suppose to be here...to lead us to another path or if I am just freaking out because of pms hormones. ; ) I do feel great on this diet and for months have felt so in tune with and full of faith for my doctor but why the sudden shift?

I am making an appointment with my acupuncturist to talk to her about this. I am also making an appointment with a therapist that counsels couples going through (in)fertility. We don't want to make any rash decisions. I love my doctor. I do...but it has been 10 months and the miracle hasn't happened for us like it has for all his other patients. I am grateful that he lead us to the diet, that he helped us feel fertile and perhaps he still will in the months to come but something shifted and I am trying to figure out what it is.

So, I am sort of in a weird place. Feeling a loss of control again. Not sure if I want to toss the rock into the ocean or keep it near me. I don't feel like I know anything else in this moment about our journey except that I want to be a mother and have a child with my husband. Everything else related to this journey is so confusing right now.

Perhaps knowing I want to have a child is enough for now. No decisions need to be made yet. A friend told me yesterday that my husband and I are always tapped into our hearts and so far...our hearts haven't stirred us wrong about what to do, where to go next.

Stay. Go. Take a break. Take another path. Go to another doc. Stick with just acupuncture, yoga and diet. Stay with current doc. We're taking some time to figure all of these elements out.

Another friend told me that she envisioned me connecting deeply with Mother Earth. Laying down on my belly onto Her heart and connecting with the belly of nature. More than anything...this feels right and within reach.

Again...I truly appreciate your gentleness with advice giving and am open to just simple love, affirmations, encouragment and the occasional pom pom if inspired.

30 Comments:

Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

~ just wanted you to know i'm hearing you ~

~ be gentle ~

~ the wisdom is inside you ~

May 26, 2007 at 4:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

*love*

Your hearts will lead you in the right direction.

May 26, 2007 at 4:50:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

I'm so sorry this journey is so hard on you right now. And am hoping you find some peace and ease very soon.

xxoo

May 26, 2007 at 5:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kelly rae said...

denise,
you have been in my thoughts this week. i am hoping and laughing and wishing and praying and dancing sweet thoughts towards you, my dear.

May 26, 2007 at 7:59:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Thinking of you!!!

May 26, 2007 at 8:13:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Debbie said...

I like to imagine that your baby is in the spiritual world, working out a few things and preparing for his/her debut into the physical. And the only reason it has not happened yet for you is because your baby's beautiful spirit is not yet ready to come into the physical world.

And perhaps it is also taking a little longer than you would like because in doing so it is giving you the chance to help others who are also struggling. You touch so many hearts. If this happened right away for you, you may not have had the opportunity to touch so many lives and hearts that are in need of comforting. You are an inspiration to many.

Be strong, listen to your inner voice. You have a million hearts cheering you on.

May 26, 2007 at 9:27:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous amy said...

you know what fits for you, way more than anyone else. be patient, be calm, be still. listen. you are going to have the exact right thing come upon you at the perfect time, i promise. i'm so sorry that this hurt continues.

sending you love and peace.

May 26, 2007 at 10:16:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous LB said...

Denise... I value every single word you have written here. I think it's so important to reflect, and your sharing of all these thoughts really resonates with me and you are not alone. I wish I didn't understand your mindset so well, and I wish it wasn't so hard for you right now.

If I were to offer some advice to you now, I would say it sounds like you need a breather, to take a break.

But I know you will listen to your heart, as you always have on this journey. I'm proud of you for that.

May 27, 2007 at 12:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

You write so beautifully about such difficult times. Thank you for sharing your path, it means a lot to me to be able to read it and know that I'm not alone.

May 27, 2007 at 2:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger swissmiss said...

I learn so much from your posts - we are so different and you are teaching me to see this whole journey in different ways. When my husband and I got our diagnosis there was never a question about going straight to IVF - part of it had to do with the clarity of the diagnosis (male factor seriously bad sperm) and part of it with our scientific-rational leaning personalities. It is hard for me sometimes to see you struggling, wondering, and not offer unwanted advice but I am learning to do that and just try to send the supportive thoughts you want.

We are taking very different paths from the same point A to what I believe will be the same point B - You will have your baby. You will - and I'm learning alot about how many ways there are to the same place. Thanks for your emotional honesty.

(Would your doctor allow you to see him and a Western fertility doc at the same time?? I always try to find the best of both worlds solution!)

May 27, 2007 at 2:57:00 AM PDT  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

As an infrequent commenter but daily reader, I've been thinking of you a lot Denise, I even had the most vivid dream and you were in it this week. I've wanted to email but didn't want to overstep myself, maybe I will. xo

May 27, 2007 at 5:46:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

Den ~*~

I hear you and affirm your strength and determination that will soon be rewarded.

Evaluating the path you currently travel is wise and creates even closer bonds between you and boho boy.

YOU are strength Personified

i love u

your sis
xOx d

May 27, 2007 at 8:29:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

I know you and C will do what feels right in your hearts for you to bring baby boho to you here in the physical world.

Boho baby will be the luckiest (not to mention cutest) baby on Earth; there is so much love you, as well as all the lives you have touched on your journey, are waiting to shower upon him/her.

I continue to hold your hand in sisterhood. xoxo

May 27, 2007 at 9:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger mames said...

still reading and i am thinking thank you for your honesty and unashamed sharing. your journey sounds so complex and it makes me realize that the paths of others have so many turns and blind corners. stay in your heart, you seem to do it well, and know there are people, unmet as of yet, that are willing for you that which you need.

May 27, 2007 at 10:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous mccabe said...

hey honey-

i just sent you an email but wanted to reaffirm that YOU know your body more than any doctor.

i have all the faith in the world in you, your baby-to-be, and this very special journey you are on.

loveM xoxo

May 27, 2007 at 12:37:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Claire NZ said...

By being in touch with yourselves, I just know you will both make the choices that are right for you.

I am gently waving pom poms for you from the other side of the world.

May 27, 2007 at 1:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bee said...

i'm here, reading, crying, loving, cheering, supporting, trusting, praying.

i'm here.

May 27, 2007 at 3:18:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

i love this picture. the beauty of where you are right now is that YOU and your hubs get to pick what happens now. and whatever you choose will be fantastic and PERFECT for the two of you.

much love and happy thoughts for the two of you... the three of you.

May 27, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

Wow, this journey is so difficult. Pray pray pray your heart out. Hopefully I'm not saying something that will offend you at all - it's just that I'm such a firm believer in prayer. I'll pray for you too my friend.

LC

May 27, 2007 at 5:50:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i believe your child is taking his/her time, waiting for the perfect moment to grace your lives with perfect, glorious love

i believe that child will be a gorgeous boy, a boy who gazes on your beautiful face with the purest affection

i believe this journey is preparing you and your love to be the most patient of parents, and that as painful as the wait may be all will be well

May 27, 2007 at 6:58:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Honey said...

I just went to see one of the most beautiful movies and I think that you both would love it as well. It is called Once. A brilliant gem and the music is so haunting I had to get the soundtrack immediately and it is now playing on a constant loop. Just lovely, powerful and raw!!

May 27, 2007 at 8:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i am dancing and cheering and praying and hoping and dreaming for you both.
and i am sending you peace and moments to sit in the quiet to listen to your heart. the knowledge is indeed inside you...i believe this is true.

May 27, 2007 at 10:22:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous bella said...

You describe your feelings so beautifully, however sad they might be. Sending wishes to all the stars that your journey finds you holding a sweet babe in your welcoming arms. It will happen, all in good time.

May 28, 2007 at 8:02:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

Hope you don't mind another comment here - I couldn't find an email address for you - the one for your photo site just returned my mail.
Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog - I have just looked at Julia Indichova's website (fertileheart.com - I'm sure you'll have already discovered it) and now I've ordered 'Inconceivable' from Amazon. It's great to get a recommendation - thank you so much.

I'll let you know when I've read the book!

With warm hugs from Lucy (my real name)

May 28, 2007 at 12:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I have faith for you, so much faith for you, Denise. I KNOW this is going to happen for you--and I hope that you find the soul rest you need at this point on your journey.

You are braver than you know. xoxo, M

May 28, 2007 at 12:57:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm not quite sure how to say this--but i've been getting a feeling lately reading your posts (esp. about your detox and diet) that you are approaching this from a very controling standpoint. you want to be in control, always. having a baby is the opposite of that...being whole is important, but it seems like the diet you've been on, etc has led you to a more ridid place instead of a more open one. i remember thinking, when reading about you're desire to do raw food, how hard that would be if you had a baby! maybe it's time to shake things up and just follow your whimsy more. what is your whimsy? or--like another commenter said, try to find the best of both worlds: your doc + another western doc. the hard thing with fertility is that you are, it seems, in a space where you are forced to try to control it...and yet that being on the other side might be waiting until there is open space, without so much control. it's strange--how your quest to be pregnant is so about you--that abruptly changes with a baby. maybe go share yourself now with kids: go volunteer. share what you have to offer a child. like attracts like

May 29, 2007 at 5:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

anon,
i am not sure if your intention was to hurt or help but i must be honest in that it didn't feel helpful. i felt it was coming from an insensitive place...when i asked for gentleness on this particular subject.

i refuse to let this take away the inner strength and joy i feel today.

i know my truth and your words were not my truth.

denise

May 29, 2007 at 6:21:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear boho, im not quite sure how to say this--but some folks are just plain clueless. and if "like attracts like" than i hope i never attract the likes of someone who would be so callous with this incredibly tender journey.
i hear your truth. i support you and feel protective of your very sacred place. much love,
jen

May 29, 2007 at 6:31:00 PM PDT  
Blogger christina said...

Oh sweetie, what a rocky, rough journy you're on. You're very brave!

May 29, 2007 at 7:22:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We love you! I was having a crappy day and wanted to stop by to see how things are going. You lift my spirits, even if you never know it. I'm sending you good energy...
:)
Cheryl

May 30, 2007 at 7:12:00 PM PDT  

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