where to go next...
little girl on beach, canon digital rebel XTi
This morning I was drawn towards this portrait I took of a little girl that was at my friends wedding last weekend. I didn't know her except for a few hello's and asking if I could follow her around with my camera. She didn't mind.
This morning I felt like I resonated so much with this moment I captured. I remember her holding onto this rock everywhere she went. It was heavy but she held it close and carefully. She was looking out at the water and wondering if she should toss it in, taking a chance to watch it float or sink...or perhaps she should keep it with her. A tough decision with something you hold so close to your heart and was such a treasure at first but then you begin to feel the weight of its heaviness.
I have felt like this the last few days with my journey to conceive. First I want to thank each and every one of you for leaving such sweet, sensitive, careful and kind words on my previous post. I am so grateful that my readers, my friends have come to know that in times like these it isn't really advice that I need but just tenderness, love, affirmations, encouragement and tons of tons of pom poms to cheer me on. I notice these things...and it has become an integral part of my growth and my strength. Thank you.
For about 10 months now, since I went to my holistic doctor which we now call McMiracle, I have felt so incredibly certain and positive that we were exactly where we needed to be. His treatments were something intriguing and new and allowed us to open our minds, as well as empower us to live organically and healthier. When we first arrived, we heard and read countless stories about couples that have conceived under his treatments in a few months. These were couples that were once told they either would never conceive or it was extremely difficult. Wow...I felt so much hope. Along with the new diet, supplements and herbs he gave us, I also began to put into practice the Law of Attraction, learning that our thoughts truly navigate our lives and emotions. I've just been in a really solid place. Even on the days when I started my cycle, I felt sad but never lost hope.
Prior to this doctor we had been at a Western fertility clinic for about 5 months where I was put on hormones and we did a few insemination's. I couldn't quite put my finger on why but each time I would leave an appointment I felt full of panic, stress, anxiety and fear. We would walk into his office feeling good about some results only to be told..."yes you are normal, but at the low end of normal." Ummm...whatever...we're NORMAL dude...can't we just leave it at that? The line between normal and abnormal is just scary and I know not all clinics work under such limitations but we just happen to go to one, unbeknownst to us until after the fact. There are plenty of other clinics that are gentler and have much more open policies but we were naive to this at the time.
So...it has been a long, long time since I have felt that kind of fear down deep in my gut. 10 months to be exact. Especially the last 5 months or so when my doctor has said that my body is totally ready and healthy to receive a baby.
During my appointment last week, the day I wrote my previous blog post, something shifted. I walked in feeling pretty raw and emotional to begin with. I had spent the whole 1.5 hour drive crying to get it out so that when I arrived I wouldn't shed tears during the visit. I have never really cried in front of my doctor. I never felt like I needed to because I felt so at peace in his presence and he gave me so much hope. He is a very funny guy and what we mostly do is laugh while I am laying on his table getting a treatment. Well, this day there was no laughing. I was laying there quietly, trying not to cry. I think he picked up on my energy because he got quiet as well. I am at the point in my cycle where I could or could not be pregnant and he has ways of testing to see if I might be. It is not a traditional test. It is muscle testing with me holding a vial in my hand. A lot of what he does is different and I have let go of questioning them and just trusted, with faith that he knows what he is doing. I mean, he clearly has a gift based on all these miracles. The night prior, I had eaten a few things that I am not supposed to eat for my blood type. Cashews, pumpkin seeds and an avocado. He was testing me for cashews and then had this look on his face, very perplexed and I heard him say to the nurse that is sitting there with a notepad..."left fallopian tube, right fallopian tube...and right ovary." I asked him if it is showing up that I am pregnant and he said..."no and I am not sure why...your tubes and ovary are off." I grit my teeth and the tears spilled. I couldn't control them and I just let it out. He looked at me in shock (which surprised me...because he just told me something not so fresh) and handed me some tissues. He tried to make a joke but it wasn't funny. I laid there feeling so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I couldn't stop crying as he continued to treat me. He didn't give me much hope like he usually does. He looked more perplexed than hopeful. The only thing he said was..."you need to mentally detox". I wanted to physically push him when he said that but I just walked out of his office to pay up at the reception desk.
On my drive home I realized what I needed him to do was stop what he was doing and let me sit up and TALK to me. I felt for the first time a bit unsafe with him. I also felt confused for the first time. How could my fallopian tubes and ovaries be PERFECT a few weeks ago and today they are all shit because of cashews?!?!?!
Following the blood type diet was something I could control...with a journey that feels so out of control for me. Going to this particular doctor helped me to let go a bit more because there were no specific treatments that needed to be "timed" or thousands of dollars going into one cycle. I felt less pressure, less stressed, which allowed me more time to focus on my business and other life loves.
Laying there, for the first time, I questioned the whole idea of the diet helping us to conceive...and that scared the crap out of me. It scared me because it left me with feelings of...where do I go now, what do we do next, are we on our own again?
We are not quitters and we are very in tune with our hearts. I don't want to turn away from all of this because I am feeling an emotional upheaval. I know I need to take time to decipher if these emotions are suppose to be here...to lead us to another path or if I am just freaking out because of pms hormones. ; ) I do feel great on this diet and for months have felt so in tune with and full of faith for my doctor but why the sudden shift?
I am making an appointment with my acupuncturist to talk to her about this. I am also making an appointment with a therapist that counsels couples going through (in)fertility. We don't want to make any rash decisions. I love my doctor. I do...but it has been 10 months and the miracle hasn't happened for us like it has for all his other patients. I am grateful that he lead us to the diet, that he helped us feel fertile and perhaps he still will in the months to come but something shifted and I am trying to figure out what it is.
So, I am sort of in a weird place. Feeling a loss of control again. Not sure if I want to toss the rock into the ocean or keep it near me. I don't feel like I know anything else in this moment about our journey except that I want to be a mother and have a child with my husband. Everything else related to this journey is so confusing right now.
Perhaps knowing I want to have a child is enough for now. No decisions need to be made yet. A friend told me yesterday that my husband and I are always tapped into our hearts and so far...our hearts haven't stirred us wrong about what to do, where to go next.
Stay. Go. Take a break. Take another path. Go to another doc. Stick with just acupuncture, yoga and diet. Stay with current doc. We're taking some time to figure all of these elements out.
Another friend told me that she envisioned me connecting deeply with Mother Earth. Laying down on my belly onto Her heart and connecting with the belly of nature. More than anything...this feels right and within reach.
Again...I truly appreciate your gentleness with advice giving and am open to just simple love, affirmations, encouragment and the occasional pom pom if inspired.