i don't need to understand

Jon-Erik, Boho Boy's brother, wanted to do a mini portrait session of us at a family friends house while in Canada. These were taken down by the river behind their house. I'm pretty picky about pictures of myself and/or us as a couple...but put an artist behind the camera and they're bound to get how to draw emotion out.

He made us feel so at ease and comfy. It was a good exercise for me to be on the other side of the lens.

(photos by jon-erik, post processing by boho...click on images to view larger)


his eyes make me swoon. i love how the light
picked up all the green and blue in them here.




i love his big fat titanium wedding ring. ; )


love how he tries to be so serious in photos. ; )


this was when he pretended to push me in the water. NICE!

I don't know if you can see it in these photos of us but we are both in such a lovely place right now.

I shared in my previous post that my heart is soaring. That is the best way I can describe it. My soul is light and I feel like I am taking flight into a new adventure. I am not quite sure what it is yet but I can feel it all around me. I've been struggling on how to put where I am at into words. So, I thought I would let go and not try so hard and just start typing.

I think this lightness began when I stopped going to my doctor, my acupuncturist and began therapy. I didn't realize how much pressure I was feeling from outside sources about our journey to conceive. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my doctor and he taught us so much, as well as my very gifted acupuncturist but I think what happened was that I had stayed with them long after they had already served their purpose on this journey. I began to put all my trust into them rather than myself and my own instincts. I already wrote about this before. How I have taken my power back and am listening to my own inner wisdom. I am still doing this and it feels wonderful.

Each of us knows ourselves like none other and if we learn what is causing static in our lives, then we can begin turning that static off so that we can hear our inner voice. When I realized I was giving outside forces too much influence on this journey it was like a dark grey cloud parted and I could see more clearly.

What does this mean. Well, I wake up in the morning and I ask my body what it needs for nourishment. Do I need to walk on the beach? Go to yoga? What veggies and fruit do I want to put in my juicer? I am not going by what a book tells me to eat because if I don't eat this food, I won't get pregnant. No. I am taking all the nuggets of wisdom from each diet and exercise that we have tried over the last three years and am paying attention to what feels good. This is the most in tune I have ever been with my body.

And not just my body but my soul. Last night I received some sad news and it shook me up a bit. I was afraid it would send me spiraling again into a depression. I told my husband in tears that I've been feeling so good and was afraid this would push me back into that familiar abyss. But even as I said that I felt more aware of what my soul/body needed to sooth the pain. I needed to get out of the house. To cry and drive and go see a film by myself and eat popcorn (something I would only allow myself to do if I had started my period because the Book said I couldn't eat popcorn. well screw that. i wanted popcorn!). Basically, I needed to get out of my head. I left the film feeling just as empowered and grounded as before I heard the news. I am still getting used to this. Before I would have stayed home and over analyzed it to death and deprived myself of what my soul was needing.

I am not saying that this is "the way". I would never make that sort of claim. All I am sharing is that it is so working for me. My heart feels calm. I am dealing with life issues with more patience and tolerance. I notice that I am not feeling attached to any one outcome of how I will become a mother. In fact, I am really pouring myself into my photography and the juicy~ness that's flowing with it all.

My mother, sisters, husband, closest friends all say they sense a shift within me and they tell me this with smiles in their words.

I'm just in a peaceful place and to be honest, I think the last time I felt like this was before my heart was broken from my first love. ; ) That was about 20 years ago!

I think another reason why it took some time to write this out is that I was afraid it wouldn't sound articulate or full of wisdom because I am not really over analyzing it. I don't want to. I just want to ride with this wave and see where it leads me. Perhaps some day I'll be able to look back and understand but for now, I don't need to understand. I'll just embrace it.

I have more pictures of Canada to share in my next post...and some fun stories to go along with. I am falling more in love with my husband's cool and eccentric family and it is finally sinking in that they are my family too. More people to squeeze.