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Friday, July 20

i don't need to understand

Jon-Erik, Boho Boy's brother, wanted to do a mini portrait session of us at a family friends house while in Canada. These were taken down by the river behind their house. I'm pretty picky about pictures of myself and/or us as a couple...but put an artist behind the camera and they're bound to get how to draw emotion out.

He made us feel so at ease and comfy. It was a good exercise for me to be on the other side of the lens.

(photos by jon-erik, post processing by boho...click on images to view larger)


his eyes make me swoon. i love how the light
picked up all the green and blue in them here.




i love his big fat titanium wedding ring. ; )


love how he tries to be so serious in photos. ; )


this was when he pretended to push me in the water. NICE!

I don't know if you can see it in these photos of us but we are both in such a lovely place right now.

I shared in my previous post that my heart is soaring. That is the best way I can describe it. My soul is light and I feel like I am taking flight into a new adventure. I am not quite sure what it is yet but I can feel it all around me. I've been struggling on how to put where I am at into words. So, I thought I would let go and not try so hard and just start typing.

I think this lightness began when I stopped going to my doctor, my acupuncturist and began therapy. I didn't realize how much pressure I was feeling from outside sources about our journey to conceive. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my doctor and he taught us so much, as well as my very gifted acupuncturist but I think what happened was that I had stayed with them long after they had already served their purpose on this journey. I began to put all my trust into them rather than myself and my own instincts. I already wrote about this before. How I have taken my power back and am listening to my own inner wisdom. I am still doing this and it feels wonderful.

Each of us knows ourselves like none other and if we learn what is causing static in our lives, then we can begin turning that static off so that we can hear our inner voice. When I realized I was giving outside forces too much influence on this journey it was like a dark grey cloud parted and I could see more clearly.

What does this mean. Well, I wake up in the morning and I ask my body what it needs for nourishment. Do I need to walk on the beach? Go to yoga? What veggies and fruit do I want to put in my juicer? I am not going by what a book tells me to eat because if I don't eat this food, I won't get pregnant. No. I am taking all the nuggets of wisdom from each diet and exercise that we have tried over the last three years and am paying attention to what feels good. This is the most in tune I have ever been with my body.

And not just my body but my soul. Last night I received some sad news and it shook me up a bit. I was afraid it would send me spiraling again into a depression. I told my husband in tears that I've been feeling so good and was afraid this would push me back into that familiar abyss. But even as I said that I felt more aware of what my soul/body needed to sooth the pain. I needed to get out of the house. To cry and drive and go see a film by myself and eat popcorn (something I would only allow myself to do if I had started my period because the Book said I couldn't eat popcorn. well screw that. i wanted popcorn!). Basically, I needed to get out of my head. I left the film feeling just as empowered and grounded as before I heard the news. I am still getting used to this. Before I would have stayed home and over analyzed it to death and deprived myself of what my soul was needing.

I am not saying that this is "the way". I would never make that sort of claim. All I am sharing is that it is so working for me. My heart feels calm. I am dealing with life issues with more patience and tolerance. I notice that I am not feeling attached to any one outcome of how I will become a mother. In fact, I am really pouring myself into my photography and the juicy~ness that's flowing with it all.

My mother, sisters, husband, closest friends all say they sense a shift within me and they tell me this with smiles in their words.

I'm just in a peaceful place and to be honest, I think the last time I felt like this was before my heart was broken from my first love. ; ) That was about 20 years ago!

I think another reason why it took some time to write this out is that I was afraid it wouldn't sound articulate or full of wisdom because I am not really over analyzing it. I don't want to. I just want to ride with this wave and see where it leads me. Perhaps some day I'll be able to look back and understand but for now, I don't need to understand. I'll just embrace it.

I have more pictures of Canada to share in my next post...and some fun stories to go along with. I am falling more in love with my husband's cool and eccentric family and it is finally sinking in that they are my family too. More people to squeeze.

32 Comments:

Blogger dreamergirl said...

Those portraits are wonderful! And i love your dress :)

Embracing is what I've been trying to do for a long time. Reading about how you dealt with bad news, is such an inspiration and a reminder too.

Years back when I lived abroad for a year I would do the same thing. I was 16 and just did what I felt I had to do when I received some bad news, or wasn't feeling to well. I've never been able to get that feeling back ever since, but I'm sure trying and your words support me in this.

Wishing you and boho boy a great weekend! xOx

July 20, 2007 at 11:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger angela said...

denise!

those photos are beautiful. and you. you are the beauty in them.

was so sweet to read your words. i'm just getting back to writing. to reading. to spending time on the computer. so i thank you for taking that small moment to say hello. to visit.

and then i have to say, i so love the banner that you have. free spirit. femininity. earthy. bohemian. that are these words and fragments of you. and those photos too, absolutely beautiful.

smiles... the dress? shhh. confession. bought it for 5 euro in a trashy store. and i love finding treasures like that in places least expected. but that's always the way it is in life...

until soon.

oxo

ang.

July 21, 2007 at 12:14:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Liivia said...

Very beautiful photos!!!

July 21, 2007 at 12:31:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous bella said...

The photos are lovely. My favorite is the last but the other ones show such a natural, pure kind of love between you and your husband.
I'm so glad that you've found peace with the decisions you've made on your journey. We know ourselves and our bodies best. If you are in tune with yourself, then you know if your decisions are the right ones.
..and.. your hair looks fabulous!!

July 21, 2007 at 6:10:00 AM PDT  
Blogger deirdre said...

Wonderful, happy pictures, and words that are wise and rich.

I still learn, everyday, that life is better when I stop looking outside for my answers and let myself acknowledge that I'm smart and experienced enough to know what I need. There's so much wisdom and information in the world to take advantage of, but knowing what's best for my own life is the part I have to remember. Every word you've written today reminds and re-enforces the belief that it's necessary to trust myself.

July 21, 2007 at 7:25:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Megan said...

Youe pictures are beautiful. They always are.
We seem to be on a similar journey right now. I'm definately in a place where I'm just sitting back and letting it happen. I just need a break. My husband and I are moving to Florida in a few months and we don't want to try anymore till we get settled. It's turned out to be a welcome break. No pressure.
Because of this intentioned break, I,too have been taking a breather from the supplements, diets, acupuncture, exercise, temp taking, you name it. I'm just being with me right now. Figuring out what needs to happen next.

July 21, 2007 at 8:19:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Marmie said...

Denise you look and seem 10 years younger to me. Your spirit has been touched and your life is seeing the glass half full.:)

You make my heart joyful and I am thankful for "YOU"

Love you lots :)

July 21, 2007 at 11:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Star said...

Such gorgeous pictures of you and BohoBoy. And beautiful words that sound as if they convey the accurate picture you wanted. I'm working my way into the same mindset but haven't quite gotten there. You give me courage for the rest of the journey.

July 21, 2007 at 12:34:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

i'm so glad that you took the time to just... write. it's exactly what i needed to hear for myself today. you are my inspiration!

and those pics... i want to eat you both. in a totally normal, healthy, type of way. ;-D

i had to giggle at your comments about boho boy. my hubs is the same way in photos, all serious. until you catch him throwing me into a lake or smashing cake in my face...

(((bigbeautifulginormoushugs)))

July 21, 2007 at 2:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Martha-Anne said...

Your posts are so beautiful. I can't even describe how much of an inspiration you are to me. I look forward to every entry, always.

July 21, 2007 at 4:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

I loved reading this. how positive and what a wonderful example! what a gift.

xox

July 21, 2007 at 5:12:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh you yummy couple you. I love the ones of you laying on the dock the most but they are all fabulous-and the post processing so rocks. You are shining my love...so shining and radiant. I just want you near me-I wish me and my hubs could lay on teh dock with you guys-just giggling and star gazing.

Love you
toe to toe

July 21, 2007 at 6:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Fran said...

You are so beautiful. I have been in a really hard place the last week and you have given me a new way to look at it all. Thank you.

July 21, 2007 at 7:12:00 PM PDT  
Blogger sweet expressions said...

love the post and the new spirit you are feeling great vibe and the photos
are magnificant

July 21, 2007 at 7:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Marc said...

Those last two photos in particular are beautiful! Thanks.

Marc

July 21, 2007 at 11:28:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous mccabe said...

miss mcboho,

OH my goodness.....love love LOVING these photos. you are soooooo breathtaking beautiful girlfriend!!!!

i like everything you are saying too, and can tell it came straight from your heart. you are incredibly centered and free. i am very happy for you!

we have lots to talk about...
hope to connect soon~ :)

with love
mcmermaid

July 22, 2007 at 1:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

I am sooooo stinkin proud of you! I am both delighted to have you as my sister AND be a part of your life.

you and C look yummy...
you look divine...
you're both lucky...
I'm lucky to have you two.

so much love to you,
xOx darlene

July 22, 2007 at 11:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger heather l murphy said...

gorgeous photos - I love the b+w one the best! Thank you for sharing your heart, very inspired by you, always!

July 22, 2007 at 11:12:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous luzie said...

wow, you and your husband are a seriously beautiful couple; these photos are fantastic! and you do look radiant these days!

i'm so happy for you to be in this good place. it's so amazing how listening to our needs that come from deep inside can make us feel so wonderfully in sync with ourselves and our surroundings. i'm feeling similary these days- and that is only because, for once, i've started to pay attention to what i really want. i'm embracing life with open arms, and i'm glad you are, too!

xx

July 22, 2007 at 1:20:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

Gorgeous pics of you two!!

Glad to hear you are in such a great place...so happy for you!

July 22, 2007 at 1:35:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Sandy said...

I love every one but that bottom one is gorgeous. sandy

July 22, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM PDT  
Blogger renovating this heart said...

Can I tell you my very favorites? I LOVE the black & white one... your laughing smile is PRICELESS and beautiful. And I love the second one... y'all just look so genuinely happy and at peace with each other and life. Yours and Boho boy's eyes also look so vibrant in those first two.

D, these posts are just amazing me. It is so inspiring to read about someone who has been through hard stuff, but yet is very vividly coming out the other side with VICTORY and hope. I see in you and your walk what I pray for in my own life... with all the inner work you're doing, the strides you're making, the therapy... I just need positive people like you in my life SO MUCH... mutual encouragement and reminders that all this painful, hard work is WORTH IT. That there is hope. Thank you so much, sweet one. I send you lots of hugs today.

July 22, 2007 at 4:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

wow! you are such a dreamy twosome. i can't even pick a favorite, they each capture the juicy-ness that is both of you. but i just adore your smile in the b&w photo.

beautiful post baby. i can feel you soar!

xoxo

July 22, 2007 at 8:40:00 PM PDT  
Blogger kelly said...

how happy is this...i love it. and oh so true. thanks for sharing.

July 23, 2007 at 5:54:00 AM PDT  
Blogger wish studio said...

the love and light you and your man share is so vibrant...beautifully captured moments. xo, mindy
p.s. love the red locks - sassy and sweet!

July 23, 2007 at 6:00:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

I am delighted to see in your eyes the peace you have been seeking. The portraits are lovely because they capture your relationship.

Creating life is a journey of joy, regardless of the pitfalls and the timing issues, and what the books say. You are now at the place of joy.

July 23, 2007 at 10:49:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

i love these empowering posts!!! yay you!!!

and i love the color of the last pic by the river...so yummy!

July 23, 2007 at 11:36:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stefania said...

You guys are gorgeous. Your love for each other is beaming in these photos. I know how hard it is to be on the other side of the lens and you always look so peaceful. You have an amazing smile and it is so evident this wave that you are riding. I've been reading for awhile and am right there with you.
Love,
Stefania

July 23, 2007 at 12:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger bronxbt said...

dearest boho,
now that my marriage is likely over, the shambles and pieces strewn across the floor like so many broken dreams...
i need to thank you for your lovely pictures that brings a teensy glimmer of hope to my otherwise damaged soul.

my gods you two are so beautiful, radiant and alive.... it's wonderful to see and i'm SO happy for you. truly...

you inspire me to think that maybe there will be someone out there for me.

*hugz* anna *sniff*
B

July 23, 2007 at 2:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Nadine said...

This last photo, with you and your man on the antique looking pier, is gorgeous. I imagine there is a bit of photoshopping that might have gone into this, but your brother in law has created such a special moment; in tone and atmosphere. Kudos to him. Pretty, pretty.

July 23, 2007 at 4:57:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Jon Erik said...

I love hanging out with you two and a camera and a bottle of wine at friends....with love and respect Jon-Erik Kroon

July 23, 2007 at 7:48:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Pattie Johnsey said...

D-

Great pictures! I love them! I really love the one of you both looking at each other! It is wonderful... the things you can see in that picture! You both are VERY loved, adored and cherished! I am so happy for you!

Love, -Pattie

August 6, 2007 at 2:20:00 PM PDT  

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