Sunday, July 15

self portrait challenge ~ elements {3}

me with Earth, taken by boho boy in Canada,
canon digital rebel XTi

I feel changed.

Leonard left behind a legacy that moves hearts. The entire week I felt his presence closely.

40 plus people came to celebrate Leonard on Tuesday, his birthday and the day of his remembrance. The house and the lush land surrounding it was alive with laughter, hugs, memories shared, food, wine and the occasional tear.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all this goodness and needed a quiet moment alone...so I took a walk. Although, I ended up not being alone at all. As I walked from the house to the dock by the river, winding my way around tall willow trees and branches, I felt a warm presence near me. This presence whispered to me through the soft wind and the silky sun on my face. It told me to put my hand on my belly and I felt a warm surge through my body. I suddenly felt reassured that all would be well. It was other worldly. I looked down on the green path below me scattered with flowers and I smiled as I walked...a tear rolling down my cheek. I was walking with the presence of Leonard. I couldn't see him but I felt him. I took a detour as not to reach the dock too quickly where children were swimming and adults were laughing. I wanted this walk with him to last. I took a deep breath and kept walking through the trees, reaching my hands out to the branches as I brushed by. We had an inner conversation. We talked about the baby his son and I desire and dream of, about how lucky Leonard is to have an amazing family, all these friends and admirers. I felt him tell me how proud he was of us for never giving up and for also letting go of the pressure for it all to happen now, knowing it will come. Our baby will come. I felt a sense of comfort knowing that until then, Leonard would watch over the spirit of our baby...and perhaps teach her/him a thing or two.

By the time I reached the dock, I felt changed. I felt a closer part of the family than I had before. I felt light. I felt pure. I felt special to have had those moments with Lenny that he set aside just for me.

I sat on the dock, surrounded by some of Leonard and Birgit's closest friends. I watched my husband playing in the water with some children and smiled. Us being parents didn't feel so very far off into the future after all.

That walk was a gift I will never forget. It is something I kept to myself the remainder of my stay until now. It is something I wanted to let sink in, to dance around in my mind and to savor. Some people may not have understood or perhaps would respond different than I needed at the time. I let it marinate and knew it was my truth and felt ready to share it today.

I have much more to share about our time there and I will do so this week, along with some pictures. It was dreamy and magical and I already miss so many elements of their home and the people in it.

What I learned about that walk is that our loved ones truly live forever. I feel closer to Leonard now than I ever have before. I hope this comforts others who have lost loved ones. If we open our hearts...we can feel their presence closely.

I feel changed.

I feel closer to Earth.
Closer to Sky.
Closer to the spiritual beings that protect me.
I feel we are all so connected...whether on this earth or beyond.
Me and nature and God and all in between.


Blogger lisa said...

Welcome back! I've been reading your blog for some time and didn't realize how much I looked forward to your posts until you were gone all week. Anyway, this is my first comment. I'm so glad you had that experience with Leonard and found peace and joy. I really do think those who have passed on reach us through nature. A similar thing happened after I lost my grandpa. I was having a really bad night missing him, and went outside into the cold and snow around midnight. The sky was crystal clear and there seemed to be more and brighter stars than I'd ever seen. All of a sudden I felt my grandpa all around me through the stars, and felt the comfort I'd been seeking, directly from him. I'll look forward to hearing more this week from your time there.

July 15, 2007 at 3:01:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honey, I was hoping that this trip would be all that you both needed on many levels, and it seems that it was indeed. Reading this made my heart feel happy and warm and brought a smile to my face.

Past descriptions of C's parent's home and land have certainly left me with a feeling that it is inherently full of magic. Having an experience such as the one you share with us here seems so perfect on so many different levels. He will always be with you, it is true.

I look forward to hearing more about your week, and again, I am so so happy that it was a wonderful trip. I thought of you all week.

love you.xoxoxo

p.s. gorgeous photo of gorgeous you

July 15, 2007 at 3:21:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Julie said...

What a life-changing experience. I'm so glad you have come away from this week feeling a deeper bond to BohoBoy's family. Your own personal moments along with the family unity you felt will surely color the days ahead.

July 15, 2007 at 3:31:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Louise said...

OHhh girl I am so thrilled for you!!!

I am thinking of you and Boho Boy and wishing you ALL the best life has to offer!!!

I am SO guilty of taking what I have forgranted and I want to thank you for the special reminders to me through your writing to value what I have and cherish it everyday because it IS a gift!!

You are an amazing writer with an amazing gift I do hope you know that, your words do touch those around you!!

Hugs to you friend....
Can't wait for all the updates and pictures!!

July 15, 2007 at 7:23:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you had that time together and that you are open enough to receive this type of visit. You are amazing...


July 15, 2007 at 8:56:00 PM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

sometimes it takes one leaving to push a new one into this world. it sounds to me like leonard will beckon this baby even closer to you.

what a beautiful moment for a beautiful celebration. hand in hand with leonard.


July 16, 2007 at 2:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Silvia said...

What a beautiful, beautiful moment. xOx

July 16, 2007 at 7:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kathleen said...

your story moved me to tears. thank you for sharing such a beautiful moment...
my heart is full with hope and anticipation for your baby to find you and your sweet man.

keep your heart open.
deep breaths.

you, lovely girl. are going to get your dream.

July 16, 2007 at 8:08:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

lovely girl
missed you extra
so glad my lil sis is so sensitive
to those special spiritual moments
you inspire so many
with the beauty you posess
inside and out.

i greatly love you

July 16, 2007 at 10:05:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this photo is ethereal and stunning. and your story to go along with it is magical as well.

i think sometimes we can have a conversation with someone who is no longer with us or not near, in our own hearts and minds.

blessings to you!

July 16, 2007 at 10:24:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Neiti Nimetön said...

What a really, really amazing blog you have. I love your photos, especially! I just wanted to ask would it be ok to add you to my link list? :)

July 16, 2007 at 11:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

you are amazingly gorgeous...not just this fabulous pic but your sweet open spirit...you never fail to teach me a little about living...

July 16, 2007 at 11:26:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

what an amazing experience...I am so happy that you were able to feel that peace and connection. I love how open you are. I am constantly learning from your example.


July 16, 2007 at 1:12:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

Perfect... so wonderful that you had that moment of pure connection with Leonard. Our dead (and I'm sure they laugh at that name) walk with us so much more than we know. I am sure he was as delighted as you to have had that connection.

The baby is coming very soon.

July 16, 2007 at 1:51:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what an inspirational post.. and you look absolutely stunning and magical in that photo. :)

July 16, 2007 at 2:18:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very inspirational, I am always amazed by how people deal with spirits of their loved ones I have always embraced those few moments I have had, I glad you did as well.

July 16, 2007 at 8:17:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Deirdre said...

What a sweet moment you shared with Leonard. There are so many things we can't explain, but instead trust that they're true and real. I love hearing this kind of story - it gives me hope I'll have moments like that with my sister when the static of grief clears a little more.

July 17, 2007 at 7:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Erin Faye said...

Lovely photo and great post!

July 17, 2007 at 10:49:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought of you often this past week.

so glad you got to go to canada and reconnect with leonards sweet spirit. i am sure he loved you dearly. (how could he not?)

i am crazy about this picture of you. totally breath-taking....you look like a fairy.


July 18, 2007 at 7:30:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

I missed you but love that you told the tale of this beautiful, tender experience you shared with Leonard. My heart is smiling. xoxo

July 18, 2007 at 10:31:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Kirsten said...

beautiful boho,
i couldn't have wished for a more beautiful week for you...

July 19, 2007 at 1:27:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a such a poignant post. Your writing is so warm and genuine, and your spiritual side so acutely intuitive.
Never, ever doubt the authenticity of your walk with this precious soul.
I had a similar experience while visiting my dad's grave in the early weeks of my pregnancy, (before I knew I was pregnant).
Thank you for validating my beliefs that we are all connected on a spiritual level. They are definitely still with us.
You are an amazing, inspiring girl! Don't ever lose sight of this side of yourself.

July 23, 2007 at 2:14:00 PM PDT  

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