self portrait challenge ~ elements

me wearing pieces of our earth

This is the last week for SPC's challenge of Elements. When thinking about the elements today, my thoughts went to the necklace I had made. I don't work with wood and bone very much but this week I felt inspired and while putting it all together, it resonated with a part of me that is such an earth child. It feels good to create beauty from our earth and for its energy to be sent across the globe (which one went to the UK and the other Canada) from my hands to the hands of another.

It's been an interesting few days. I received some very unexpected news yesterday from my doctor after some tests I had taken. I am not ready to get into the details as to what they found but I am ready to share the emotions that have surfaced as a result. I hesitated sharing it hear as I don't want to make a big deal out of this or give it much energy but I know its important to keep documenting this journey... for us, for others walking this path and for our child to read someday.

I have to go in for a final test to be 100% certain but its pretty likely they have found what has prevented us from conceiving over the last three years. There is a surgery that can be done to open things up within me to allow for a natural conception...which is a very very good thing.

Finding an answer has surprisingly been bittersweet for me. I should be jumping up for joy, shouting out to the world, dialing the numbers of all my friends and being thrilled to the core but I have been really quiet and drawn into myself. I am so accustom to us being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". Even though they say this diagnosis can be the most frustrating, for me it just became a part of this whole journey and it taught me how to be patient, grateful, learn to accept the unknown and have faith.

Those of you that have been reading pretty regularly know that I've been in an amazing place with all this lately. I felt a huge release a few months ago and my whole being has been lighter. I've just been coasting along in peace and acceptance. The news I got yesterday has sort of whipped, whirled and twirled me around a bit and now that I am standing again, I am just trying to keep my balance and re-adjust.

Not knowing who or what it was keeping us from getting pregnant actually began to feel comfortable. Now I have to accept the fact that it is my body that is the factor here. I want to keep myself from blaming my body, for getting angry at it. I want to continue this self-love that has been coming so naturally to me lately. Today, when I tried to focus on my breath, I realized how tight my muscles were around my belly. Almost like I was suffocating it. I don't want to do that. I want to bring it back to the relaxed place it was a few days ago.

I went to go take a nap today and as I was laying there in the quiet, I put my hands on my belly and told my body everything is going to be okay. I reassured my body that I am so proud of all we've been through together and that this isn't my body's fault. I felt hot tears run down my cheeks because at the same time, I also felt the anger and hurt bubbling up. I know its important to allow myself to feel everything so that it too can be released.

This is hopeful news. I know this. I feel it deep within. As I sit here typing this, listening to the Weepies and looking at the silver star that hangs above my desk with the word "Hope" engraved, I can feel the joy is welling up beneath the fear and anxiety. I think I just need time to get over the shock and then re-learn what my body needs to heal itself. I also need to open up some room for doctors to come back into this journey because they are the only ones that can do this surgery. This is my chance to use all I've learned about empowering myself and continue to not allow anyone else (aka doctors) to take away my power again.

In a sense I feel really protected. This happened at a point on this journey when I've been my most strong and centered physically, emotionally and mentally.

A dear friend of mine said to me today that this is divine timing.

With that in mind, my thoughts go to the walk I had with Leonard's spirit a few weeks ago, when I felt a warmth surging through my body and I put my hand on my belly. Perhaps that was God preparing me for what is to come. In that moment I knew everything was going to be okay. I can get back to that place of knowing.