Wednesday, July 25

self portrait challenge ~ elements

me wearing pieces of our earth

This is the last week for SPC's challenge of Elements. When thinking about the elements today, my thoughts went to the necklace I had made. I don't work with wood and bone very much but this week I felt inspired and while putting it all together, it resonated with a part of me that is such an earth child. It feels good to create beauty from our earth and for its energy to be sent across the globe (which one went to the UK and the other Canada) from my hands to the hands of another.

It's been an interesting few days. I received some very unexpected news yesterday from my doctor after some tests I had taken. I am not ready to get into the details as to what they found but I am ready to share the emotions that have surfaced as a result. I hesitated sharing it hear as I don't want to make a big deal out of this or give it much energy but I know its important to keep documenting this journey... for us, for others walking this path and for our child to read someday.

I have to go in for a final test to be 100% certain but its pretty likely they have found what has prevented us from conceiving over the last three years. There is a surgery that can be done to open things up within me to allow for a natural conception...which is a very very good thing.

Finding an answer has surprisingly been bittersweet for me. I should be jumping up for joy, shouting out to the world, dialing the numbers of all my friends and being thrilled to the core but I have been really quiet and drawn into myself. I am so accustom to us being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". Even though they say this diagnosis can be the most frustrating, for me it just became a part of this whole journey and it taught me how to be patient, grateful, learn to accept the unknown and have faith.

Those of you that have been reading pretty regularly know that I've been in an amazing place with all this lately. I felt a huge release a few months ago and my whole being has been lighter. I've just been coasting along in peace and acceptance. The news I got yesterday has sort of whipped, whirled and twirled me around a bit and now that I am standing again, I am just trying to keep my balance and re-adjust.

Not knowing who or what it was keeping us from getting pregnant actually began to feel comfortable. Now I have to accept the fact that it is my body that is the factor here. I want to keep myself from blaming my body, for getting angry at it. I want to continue this self-love that has been coming so naturally to me lately. Today, when I tried to focus on my breath, I realized how tight my muscles were around my belly. Almost like I was suffocating it. I don't want to do that. I want to bring it back to the relaxed place it was a few days ago.

I went to go take a nap today and as I was laying there in the quiet, I put my hands on my belly and told my body everything is going to be okay. I reassured my body that I am so proud of all we've been through together and that this isn't my body's fault. I felt hot tears run down my cheeks because at the same time, I also felt the anger and hurt bubbling up. I know its important to allow myself to feel everything so that it too can be released.

This is hopeful news. I know this. I feel it deep within. As I sit here typing this, listening to the Weepies and looking at the silver star that hangs above my desk with the word "Hope" engraved, I can feel the joy is welling up beneath the fear and anxiety. I think I just need time to get over the shock and then re-learn what my body needs to heal itself. I also need to open up some room for doctors to come back into this journey because they are the only ones that can do this surgery. This is my chance to use all I've learned about empowering myself and continue to not allow anyone else (aka doctors) to take away my power again.

In a sense I feel really protected. This happened at a point on this journey when I've been my most strong and centered physically, emotionally and mentally.

A dear friend of mine said to me today that this is divine timing.

With that in mind, my thoughts go to the walk I had with Leonard's spirit a few weeks ago, when I felt a warmth surging through my body and I put my hand on my belly. Perhaps that was God preparing me for what is to come. In that moment I knew everything was going to be okay. I can get back to that place of knowing.


Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

oh denise,
i can't begin to imagine how you feel, and yet i'm crying as i read this. i don't know how you begin to process this information, but i know that you will. i can't offer up any advice, because i don't have experience to draw from...

but i CAN tell you this,
you are strong & beautiful.
you are blessed & loved.
you are believed in & supported.

i am thinking of you and your boy and your beautiful boho baby and sending you love & blessings for whatever YOU decide will come next.

July 25, 2007 at 7:00:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hugging you tight
sweet girl.

you are doing so great
right here
right now....

still strong, centered and hopeful.

i am support you in all ways,


July 25, 2007 at 7:09:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Julie said...

Wishing you all the best as you take this next step.

July 25, 2007 at 7:38:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

July 25, 2007 at 8:24:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you have been so true and authentic in your journey, denise...there is such strength in your vulnerability...the world can (and does) learn a lot from you. i am hopeful for you and boho boy...

July 25, 2007 at 8:27:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

Quote 1: "I am so accustom to us being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". Even though they say this diagnosis can be the most frustrating, for me it just became a part of this whole journey and it taught me how to be patient, grateful, learn to accept the unknown and have faith."

Quote 2: "Not knowing who or what it was keeping us from getting pregnant actually began to feel comfortable. Now I have to accept the fact that it is my body that is the factor here."



This journey, and all you learned (and are learning) are still valid! Just because doctors may have found a cause of the journey, doesn't mean they have found a *reason*!
You have traveled far, and learned much, and perhaps your were put on that path to gain that knowledge.

Whatever cause doctors find with your body, you were not responsible for that cause, something greater than you was. And you dealt with that gracefully and learned from it. *You* were (and are) NOT a failure, and your journey is proof of that!

July 25, 2007 at 9:45:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Stacy said...

I was just thinking about your walk with Leonard. Honey, this is so powerful, the connection. Divine Timing... there is just something really beautiful about these words your friend said to you.

You have written about these feelings so beautifully and tenderly, I feel so much of what you are saying here. You are such a gift.

Sending you so much love and hope.

July 26, 2007 at 1:34:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

I know that feeling of trying not to blame your body for something.

Thank goodness you are such balanced person and have learned so much and become so centered--imagine how much more difficult that could have been if you hadn't made wonderful lessons of this journey and become a person that we all gravitate toward because of your honesty and strength through this process.

and oh, the joy to come!

loves, sweet girl,

July 26, 2007 at 6:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

ps--I love the neclace and the natural materials you used. mother earth truely is inspiring. beautiful.

July 26, 2007 at 6:07:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

Moving on can be strangely hard, hey. I'm thinking of you as you live your new present moments. Best of luck with growing into the next part of your journey. x x x

July 26, 2007 at 6:43:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Genevieve said...

I just wanted to say that someone from my church just got pregnant after 11 years of trying and being told that they would never be able to conceive. A simple operation (which no doctor ever saw necessary until recently) allowed them to get pregnant in just a few weeks!
I am so hopeful for you.

July 26, 2007 at 7:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

i love you baby...i am here xxxoo

July 26, 2007 at 7:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Unknown said...

Love the crop and focus. Cool shot!

July 26, 2007 at 9:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

i echo indie mama.


July 26, 2007 at 9:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kristen said...

i know if it's meant to be, it will be:)

July 26, 2007 at 9:34:00 AM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

warm thoughts ... xox

July 26, 2007 at 10:09:00 AM PDT  
Blogger PixieDust said...

Your tears, hope, and strength have carried you this far.. and they will certainly carry you through until you are nursing boho baby, with boho husband at your side.
Divine timing? Absolutely. It may also be why a "little friend" alighted on boho boy's hand (on the B&W pic below). The spirits are making their way to you...

July 26, 2007 at 11:09:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

by the way,
i am in love with this photograph and cannot stop looking at it.

it is so calm and peaceful.



July 26, 2007 at 12:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger mames said...

i just wanted to say i am thinking of you in this new aspect to your journey. being kind to your body is a wonderful decision to make and i hope as you continue in the next steps toward your little one that you can feel as light and calm as you have. thank you for your honesty and vulnerability throughout this time in your life, i have been reading for awhile and hoping for you much. smiles your way.

July 26, 2007 at 2:37:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a very real way of coming to terms with a reality that wasn't supposed to exist. Not that you need my judgement or affirmation, but I think you're handling the news gracefully and honestly. I wish both of you the best in your new chapter!

July 26, 2007 at 2:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger lisa said...

Thinking of you during this time and sending hope and good wishes your way. Just think of how much you've accomplished. You've listened to yourself and your body. You've learned how to trust yourself and not put all your faith in doctors. You've been open to all types of food and ways of living. You've learned how to make peace with yourself and appreciate the moment. And all these tools will prepare you to bring your little boho into the world!

July 26, 2007 at 5:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

Sweet Boho,

I am sending you many hugs, and lots of love.

Love you my friend.

July 26, 2007 at 7:29:00 PM PDT  
Blogger christina said...

I can definitely understand why that news is something you'd have mixed emotions towards. But as always, you seem so aware, so in tune with yourself...everything will keep going the way the univers intends. Don't be angry at your beautiful body. It has given you this time with your husband to grow--to be just the two of you. You'll look back on these years like gemstones when you have passle of kids running around. When the world is full of interrupted sleep and lovemaking falls to the very back of your brain. Then you'll smile remembering this time you're having!

July 26, 2007 at 7:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger sweet expressions said...

well wishes for you

July 26, 2007 at 10:53:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Julia said...

Maybe the good space you're in allowed it so that they finally could see where the block was (?).

It looks all positive to me, definately a step forward.

July 27, 2007 at 4:03:00 AM PDT  
Blogger meghan said...

I am feeling nothing but good things about all of this. (I only just read your letter) I think it's interesting that after THREE years they only found out this week after your incredible walk with Leonard... it IS all about the timing. You are in a much better place now than even three years ago - now you are even more YOU going into a time when motherhood is going to be a very real possibility - and what an amazing mother you will now be!!


July 27, 2007 at 5:01:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Mindy said...

i feel that hope for you too. but i also understand the shock of learining new news, just when you were centering yourself with the old beliefs. it does shift something inside of you. hopefully as you absorb this change you will feel re-energized as the light begins to once again filter through :) i know it will...xo, mindy

July 27, 2007 at 5:15:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Marcia Francois said...

I can't wait to hear what it is. But I love your attitude about all of this!

In other news, I gave you an award!

Have a lovely day!

Organising queen and
Take charge blogs

July 27, 2007 at 5:47:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

Divine timing indeed. Can you feel the arms around you of all of us who have walked some of this journey with you? Something big is coming for you, Denise.... big, and beautiful, and juicy.

The peace and the living in the present that you are carrying is an example to all of us.

July 27, 2007 at 8:33:00 AM PDT  
Blogger BrianC said...

In her late 30s, my wife figured she'd never get the chance to be a mother. Then she met me and married at 39, had our first son at 40, and second son at 41. She just had to wait for the right time and the right opportunity. (And I love the jewelry. Do you have a special affinity for Buddhist symbolism?)

July 27, 2007 at 10:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Silvia said...

I´m with megg...it is all about timing.

Sending you love m´dear and loads of hugs and sparkles :)


July 27, 2007 at 10:33:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know what is in my heart on this.

love you.xoxoxo

July 27, 2007 at 3:55:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

this color of this self pic is so yummy...you always get the yummiest colors...

July 30, 2007 at 11:27:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Hang in there... one day at a time. Faith, hope... keep trusting. You are in God's hands and he has a perfect plan for you. Trust in his timing. Just look at your beautiful life... could you have even imagioned that it would be this good? Just wait...

Love, Pattie

August 6, 2007 at 2:22:00 PM PDT  

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