accept but not define...

the view from where i rest, canon digital rebel xti

When I read through my nicely put together post-op folder that the nurses handed me after surgery, I was a bit surprised at the part that said one of the possible side effects of this surgery is depression and crying.

I remember reading that at the time when all I could think about was getting through each hour without a lot of pain and being relieved that this surgery is over and feeling hopeful that my new journey was beginning. I couldn't imagine getting weepy and depressed. I felt beyond those feelings that I had suffered for so long. I have felt beyond those feelings for quite some time.

Until yesterday.

I think it started happening when I was doing research on endometriosis yesterday morning. To be honest, I haven't really focused on that bit of this whole experience. I just knew the doctor was 98% sure I had endo and this laparoscopy surgery would prove that and if she did see it, she would get rid of it all. So, in a sense, I felt like...well, even if I do have it, by the time I wake up it will be gone. So I'll wipe my hands of it and move on, right?

Well...not so much.

The research told me it was a chronic disease. That it never really goes away. That there is a good chance it will all grow back and if we want to conceive, we better get on the ball for the next 6-9 months post surgery. Even though I was only looking at holistic websites on endometriosis, it still listed all these herbs and foods and drinks I should be consuming to keep my immune system strong because my immune system being whacked out is the whole reason endometriosis grows all over my organs.

Even though a few years ago, I had read up on endometriosis during our quest to conceive and knew it could be a slight possibility, I never really thought I had it because I didn't have symptoms like so many do. Since I didn't have any symptoms, my doctors never really focused on this as a possibility. I had regular periods, ovulated each month, hormones were normal, etc. etc. I did have pain each month but I didn't think it was out of this world pain like I read those with endo have. The only way you can find out if you have it, is to have this particular surgery and we all just avoided it, not thinking it was necessary.

Three years later in our quest to conceive, I have a very painful month and in warp speed, did the ultrasounds, MRI's and this surgery to all confirm that all these years, I indeed have had this.

It's so new to me. I am trying to become familiar with it enough to acknowledge that it is part of my life but not enough that it controls me. I can feel myself spiraling into a doubtful abyss after reading all that I've read. The internet and all its information can be a blessing and a curse.

I want to be one of those miracles that conceive a healthy baby post surgery and has a healthy pregnancy. I want to take on the Kris Carr "Crazy Sexy Cancer" attitude and walk into this fists first with a "Crazy Sexy Endo" attitude.

I know I'll get there.

But today I feel a welling of fear and doubt. I feel an annoying black cloud trying its best to hover above me and block the clear sunshiny view of my world.

Over the next few days, after I let these emotions flow through me, I'd like to wake up and tackle this. Do whatever it takes to build up my immune system and rock the world of endo and not be one of their statistics.

I do still believe that no matter what, I will indeed be a mother. Our decision to adopt has brought us much comfort but it has not taken away that longing to conceive a child together.

If any of you have any glorious endo stories of family and friends that were still able to conceive healthy babies, please leave them here if you have a moment. I'd love to invite you to help me get to that positive, graceful place. I am also open to alternative healing therapies you are aware of.

I want to accept that I have this chronic disease but not allow it to define the outcome of my life.