(In)fertility is my Guru
dancing, leaping me, taken by schmoopy ~ canon digital rebel xti
The story of Kris Carr and her documentary Crazy Sexy Cancer has struck a deep, deep chord within me. This particular chord is one that creates beautiful melodies when others gather to play a symphony. This symphony calls to all those that are survivors and are willing to do whatever it takes to heal their bodies, minds and souls.
"Whatever it takes" to me means thinking outside of the box. Outside of the statistics that are often given to us about our diagnosis...whatever that may be. It can mean not accepting the gloomy outcome your doctors may throw at you and going on a quest to get answers from non traditional healers. It means gaining more clarity about how our bodies work and understanding how to nourish them ourselves. It's doing your own research and learning how to heal parts of yourself without relying on someone else to do it for you.
I am not a statistic...I am a person.
I refuse to be placed into a box of hormone levels and antral follicle counts.
I am a potential miracle...unexplained.
When Kris Carr said "Cancer is my Guru", it resonated so deep. It was an aha moment for me. She was no longer focusing on her cancer as something that could potentially take her from this earth but she saw it as an opportunity for growth, to feel more alive than she has ever felt, to meet amazing people she may never have met otherwise, to get intimate with her body and take the most precious care of it she ever has. And of course...so much more.
I wholeheartedly embrace this attitude. I really do. Tears flowed as I watched her journey unfold because what she was doing validated so much of what my husband and I have been doing on our quest to have a child.
I am not comparing a diagnosis of cancer with the diagnosis of (in)fertility. It's not the diagnosis that is the point. It is the decision of what one does with a diagnosis. Do we let it kill us inside or do we fight it with all of our heart, mind and soul and do whatever it takes to reverse it? Whatever it takes.
And if by chance, with all that you try and it still doesn't bring you what you want so badly, will you embrace the gifts that this journey has given you regardless? Will you regret the quest or will you feel more whole and alive as a person and be grateful for the path you were led on? The adventure that changed your whole perspective on life? This has been the very key for me. This has been the shift. This gratefulness has allowed me to loosen my grasp more and more each day.
(In)fertility is my guru.
It has taught me to focus on the now and not the tomorrow.
It has made me more intimate with my body.
It has empowered me to take steps to heal myself.
It has brought me to the deepest, darkest places and the brightest, highest of highs.
It has taught me to guard my heart and create boundaries with outside influences.
It has introduced me to the most amazing people on similar journey's.
It has taught me how to be a friend...and what type of friends I need in my life.
It has taught me how to breathe deep.
It has taught me how to stretch further.
It has taught me how to love my body and that we are a team, not enemies.
It has taught me how to dance with abandon.
It has taught me how to face my biggest fears.
It has taught me that what I want may not always be what I need.
It has taught me how to listen to what my body has to say...truly listen.
It has taught me that whole organic foods is also medicine.
It has taught me how to love deeper, wider and more fiercely.
With all this beauty...it sucks sometimes. It really hurts. So I know even as I write this, tomorrow I might feel that longing for a baby and crumble to the floor and cry. I'll let it out. I'll pound my fists into my pillow. I am not glorifying (in)fertility. The pain is real and raw and it hurts. But I have learned to welcome the pain because I know what is on the other side. On the other side is a me who eventually gets up, wipes her tears and feels more wise, more strong than the me that crumbled to the floor.
On Tuesday I am going into surgery. I will have a cyst taken off of each ovary, as well as endometrial tissue burned off wherever they find it in and around my reproductive organs. I am also having dye poured into my fallopian tubes to make sure they are not damaged or blocked by the growth of endometrial tissue. I am nervous because I have only been under anesthesia once before but I am also excited to move forward and get this over with.
When I wake up, I will have my mother (she's visiting) and my husband by my side and a clean and fertile womb. I will be resting over the next week while my sweet marmie pampers me.
While I am resting, I will prepare for another crazy sexy journey to our boho baby. Is it weird that I feel excited?