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Tuesday, September 25

a trip back to calmness*


me at cafe gratitude in berkeley, taken by andrea with my camera

The trend over the last few years has been that I typically need a few days to recover emotionally in the aftermath of a doctor visit. I think since I am a glass half full kind of gal, I always go into these appointments with hope that me and my doc will be somewhat in sync about what is best for my body. Even though its been my experience that this isn't the case, I still carry hope.

My gyno is in her earliest stages of pregnancy and I sensed yesterday that she was not in the best of places physically and mentally. She walked in looking dazed and confused and out of breath. Being the empath that I am, I immediately picked up on the fact that she'd much rather be in bed curled up in her pajamas eating a huge bowl of ice cream with salted crackers on the side than dealing with a patient.

I won't divulge all the unnecessary details but in a nutshell, she told me I have stage 2 endometriosis. There are 4 stages. So, this is a good thing. She showed me the before and after pictures of my lovely pink insides. That was a bit shocking to look at. My poor ovaries have been suffocating for a few years and now they're perfectly white and free. Yay.

The bummer part was that when she was finished showing me the pictures, she asked me a question that blew me completely away. "So, are you trying to conceive right now because if you're not, I suggest you take the birth control pill which will suppress the endo returning."

*record scratch*

It was then that I realized she didn't remember who I was. She had forgotten our story of trying to conceive for three...yes three years. I realize being one of the top gyno's in the city means you have far too many patients to deal with but I would think you would keep special note of tender emotional heart wrenching cases like ours.

I had to repeat the journey details and while nodding with a blank look on her face, proceeded to tell me that if we don't conceive in 6 months, I should go back to a fertility specialist and take hormones and do treatments because I'm "not getting any younger" and la la la. Here we go with the statistics again. Wow...okay, well...been there, done that...time to go. buh bye.

It's the same insensitive routine they all get into and I realize this is to be expected with traditional medicine. My expectations were a bit too high this time, I suppose. I wanted her to come in with excitement that my womb is all pretty in pink and tell me to have a blast with my hubs before getting into the doom and gloom, you know? I wanted her to ask me what I am comfortable doing as far as treatment at this point and that is when I was going to tell her about all the alternative treatments I am researching. I imagined it was going to be a mini-celebration of sorts that we are in a sense starting over and our chances have increased ten-fold. Rather, she wanted to do her part in instilling fear in me by putting a pin in my hope balloon.

So, I came home, emailed some of my darling friends to vent and cried on the phone with my husband. Well, cried the rest of the day, really...and just let my disappointment flow through me. It takes time for me to bounce back from these sort of things but I always do.

The last few months I have been protecting myself from outside influences such as this but in this case, I had to have surgery and knew I would be opening myself up to a more narrow minded way of thinking again.

I'm okay though. Today I am in a much better place. I've come so far, too far to let this all filter into my heart deeply. It was another opportunity for me to bring out all the tools I've learned to center myself again and remember that I am way more intimate with my body than a gyno that sees me once a year for a check-up. I am grateful that she used her gift to get rid of stuff that needn't be inside me and did a damn good job of it.

I took some time later that night to read back on all the juicy post-endo surgery pregnancy stories you all left for me in my comments a few blog posts ago. I then allowed myself a day today of taking down all the magical books that have taught me much wisdom about this journey. I replenished my cells with this delicious "I Am Healthy" water all day. I breathed deeply. I lit candles. I listened quietly. I teamed up with my body again and we both are tuning out my grumpy hormonal gyno and tuning into what feels right.

Tonight I had an angel reading over the phone with a very gentle and gifted soul. We had scheduled this session long before I knew that it would be following my post-op appointment. I felt so loved and cared for with divine timing. The reading confirmed so much of what I believe in my heart. It was full of awe, joyful tears, gasps, chills, comfort, healing and a wrapping around me of so much love. Ahhhhhh....breathing in the truth again.

I often don't like photographs that other people take of me but this one above brings me peace. I know its a bit blurry because I had moved but I like how she captured a calmness that is living in my heart these days. People have been noticing this about me and I feel it truly shows here. Thank you, A.

43 Comments:

Blogger dreamergirl said...

Here I am on a wednesday morning, just after 9.30am It´s raining outside, which i love, and i have the day off. While wondering which city to visit today, i read some blogs. Yours obviously too.

Somehow, while reading your post, I realized that i have to go to amsterdam today. To visit bookstores. There´s an american one there, a britisch one and a huge dutch one that sells loads of english books as well. All I know is that I need to stock up on some book love and just be for a while.Thanks for sending me that vibe ;)

So much wisdom comes from your words, you inspiring me once again. Sending you & boho boy love and sparkles!!

xoxo silvia

September 26, 2007 at 12:46:00 AM PDT  
Blogger me-nikk said...

HEY!!!

You are in a safe space, you are ok. Let everything that she aisd go because her words are not about you... they are about her and where she was at at the moment.

Let me lift you up for just the moment. I give you peace, I give you joy and I give you hope... because we ALL out here KNOW and believe, as do you.

You are safe and you are loved.

September 26, 2007 at 12:50:00 AM PDT  
Blogger frida said...

Oh, babe, I am so happy about the results of the surgery - and so steaming about the way she handled you. She doesn't have a file, that she would at least have read over before walking into the room to meet you? Grrr. But in your empathetic way you saw that she was not all she should have been.

I admire your choice to let those tears fall and then recentre youself. Returning to the calmness. Beautiful.

September 26, 2007 at 1:17:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Mollie said...

You are such a strong person. Thank you for the inspriation, yet again.

September 26, 2007 at 2:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger tan!a said...

Dear Boho Girl,

I love the picture of you, I can see you're calm. I'm happy to hear that the results of the surgery are positive.
I've ckecked 'cafe gratitude' and it seems a very nice place.

Earlier this year I went also into surgery to take a cyst off of my left ovary. For me it was the first time I had Endometriosis. I cried when my gyno told it a year ago, I got hormones to let it shrimp but it didn't so I went into the hospital for 1 night and came back one week later, because there were complications during the surgery. It was a shock, a trauma to stay there for 6 more days.

Now 5 months later my gyno told me that everything is ok inside of me. He also suggested to take the birth control pill for the rest of my life unless I want to get childeren (then I can stop taking this pill).

I can tell you that I'm not happy and I'm also researching for alternitives to do. I believe that this Endometriosis had a reason to appear in me. My gyno believes it's a mistake of nature, I disagree.
I also read the book of Brandon Bays "The Journey". It encourages me to look at it in an energetic way.

I can imagen your disappointment and I think you do well by letting your emotions/tears flow, to call your best friends to talk with. I think it's important to let out this energy. Like a Japanese proverb says "Tears dilute sorrow".
( I made a desktoppicture with this proverb & my photography, you can see it ENG01 here.)

Take care and keep following your heart.
Tan!a

September 26, 2007 at 2:41:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Marcia said...

Hi Denise

I know *exactly* what you're going through. They are very cold, aren't they?

I'm trusting in God to do a miracle in my womb, and you don't even get a chance to tell these people anything. They just go for it with all their medical mumbo-jumbo and leave you shell-shocked!

On the bright side, at least you'll all pretty and pink again (mine was stage 4), ready for your Boho baby.

Lots of love
~M~

September 26, 2007 at 4:45:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous bella said...

I'm sorry that your Dr. was so abrupt and matter of fact. They have their bad days too, but that's in no way an excuse for someone in her position to just brush aside your 3 year journey... But.. look at you, all pretty in pink. You are such a sweet, sweet girl and your resolve is so inspiring. Snuggle yourself up in your web of support and take the time you need to process things. I see a lot of love around you. Only good things lie ahead.

September 26, 2007 at 5:00:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Andrea D said...

I wish I knew how to comfort you - but I think you are doing alright anyways! Generally though - I think going on the pill AFTER you have your baby might be a solution to the Endo situation- I'm hoping that is what she was referring to but was too tired to actually explain it properly! You are so wise and I think you are doing whatever you need to do on this journey - as they say "keep on truckin'!"

September 26, 2007 at 6:23:00 AM PDT  
Blogger blisswarrior said...

just have fun making that baby...practice, practice, practice and enjoy every minute of it!

September 26, 2007 at 6:31:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Becca said...

Your messages always lift my days and offer hope and a wealth of inspiration. Todays did the same. You are often in my thoughts and when you pop into my head, I send back to you thoughts of fertility and peace and a full baby belly, its the least I can do! : )
We are still undergoing fertility issues and positive tests, yet m/c's a few weeks later.....its a vicious cycle. So, I take with me your journey and it helps me get through the rough spots, knowing that out world, despite each persons own painful battles, we are connected and life throws at you curveballs, which, I am positive, will lead to grand slams..(didnt mean to throw in a baseball analogy, Im not even a fan)!
Sending you love!
Becca

September 26, 2007 at 7:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

It is because you are loved to exquisitely by people here and angels on the other side.

Blessings of peace and joy to you this day.

September 26, 2007 at 7:54:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Georgia said...

I am so sorry about how your Dr. approached the situation. I have a REALLY difficult time with Doctors and most traditional medicine to begin with, and it is because of attitudes like this that they have.

You know what is best for you and your body, and it sounds like you are making the right choices for yourself. I think it is wonderful that you know yourself so well... someday I hope I can be as in tune to my own self. You are an inspiration. Keep doing what you feel to be best, and you will reap all the rewards.

xoxox

September 26, 2007 at 8:14:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Angela said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now and have been so inspired by your honesty.

I have fibroids and have been undergoing a lengthy process of getting them removed. My doctor is one of the best doctors in the city for this kind of thing and a black woman like me. I thought I felt a kinship with her but then the exact same thing that happened to you, happened to me! It was shocking and pretty disorienting to talk to her yet again about all that I have been going through over these months. I know that's hard but you have such a great attitude about all of this and that will carry you through.

Thanks for the moving entry!

September 26, 2007 at 8:21:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Equipoise said...

My best friend pointed me to your blog. I am so glad she did. You inspire me to control the good and bad things I let into my life. You also inspire me to cry and let it all out when I need to. My blog is about my (attempted) journey to "finding a state of balance" in my life. I just wanted to tell you that you are a great example of this.

September 26, 2007 at 8:39:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Linda Salas said...

I´ll be your doctor today!
Please eat more raw vegan meals... green smoothies, all organic all made with love.
Please go get some sun, sun is important for so many processes in your body, just a little though...don´t burn.
Please do some deep breathing... remember your devine origin and don´t give away your power.
Listen to the soong EXACTLY by Amy Steinberg ( http://www.myspace.com/amysteinberg ) listen to it repeatedly... it is magic.
Reread the "Imagina a Woman" poem at least twice.
If you find yourself swimming in emotions... transmute those emotions into happy peaceful emotions... we do have that power.
Feel grateful.
Feel just how fortunate you are.
Feel free.
Feel love.
Go get a raw chocolate treat! These open your heart!

Love
Linda

September 26, 2007 at 8:54:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please excuse this intrusion into your blog, which I happened upon and felt the need to comment.
Statistically you are very likely to get pregnant in the next 3-6 months (assuming blocked tubes were causing your infertility). With cleaned out tubes, you should be good for many months. In fact, I had the surgery-got pregnant 6 months later, miscarried, got pregnant with birth of healthy child, then got pregnant with healthy baby #2 1 1/2 years later. All without another surgery and all the doctors said my endometriosis would grow back blocking my tubes and preventing me from conceiving again without another surgery. Keep your spirits up, keep praying-THERE IS HOPE!!!!

September 26, 2007 at 9:10:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

you are wise to surround yourself with the knowledge that you have inside of you and also the support and love of family and friends.

pretty in pink. that's the image to focus on (and you do look very pretty when you wear pink i might add), and the birth control pills...even without endo they shouldn't always be the go-to answer, feh.

that impersonal aspect...grr. it pisses me off! take a few minutes to read the chart people - as helpers (and western docs are in the helping arts), there has to be a more human approach. i'd be embarrassed if someone walked into my office one year later and i couldn't remember her story. i'm just sayin'.

September 26, 2007 at 9:13:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Lizzie said...

You are always so good at processing these situations and coming out the other side with a more defined sense of peace and what you need to do for yourself. It truly inspires me to try to do this in my own life.
I wish you continued peace and healing, and thank you for continuing to share your life with us.

Lizzie
www.meetinggrace.wordpress.com

September 26, 2007 at 9:17:00 AM PDT  
Blogger bella said...

I find it so courageous that you make space for yourself, all of yourself and all the feelings that come, without attaching to any of them. You seem to live a wisdom that many settle for just talking about.
It is hard to be with doctors and talk about your body as if it is a thing, your age a "condition", your heart not tended to as part of the equation. Our medical system fails miserably when it comes to treating the whole and honoring humanity.
It is your own fire and longing and voice that brings a different picture into view. One where you are the hero of your own journey. In your choice to embrace life as such you send out ripples into the consciousness of others.
I am so happy for you pink womb.

September 26, 2007 at 9:27:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

so in the end you did get your celebration...just with someone other than the doc...

you are so brave and beautiful...thank you for always sharing your journey with truth and honesty

September 26, 2007 at 9:51:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous luzie said...

you're honest posts are always so inspiring.. i'm sorry to hear about the insensitive doctor, but i applaud your ability to focus on what really matters and to find your calm center again. sending you lots of positive thoughts and a hug. xo

September 26, 2007 at 10:49:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous mccabe said...

i am loving this photograph of you. wow! not only did andrea capture one of the most important things about you, but you can also see your connection with her through this photo. beautiful.

i am hearing you. i am listening. i am shaking my head yes yes when you speak of doctors knocking you down with so-called casual words that are biting and cruel.

way to bring yourself back to your natural state.

i love watching you bloom.

your friend
mcmermie x

September 26, 2007 at 11:13:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous katrin said...

Dear boho girl, i am so excited for you. and i totally agree with all the others about doctors. (I got hurt and scared by doctors several times, once I was told that I am soon too old to get children when I was 28. That was so horrible, cause I wanted to have children badly but could not find a partner.) I am sure there will soon be a beautiful boho-baby in this fertile, beautiful pink and extra-cleaned womb of yours. Congrats Katrin

September 26, 2007 at 11:28:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Irish Girl said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple months now, I think, and wanted to say "hi" and tell you I'm rooting for you. You inspire me on so many levels! Thanks for writing so eloquently what I have thought and felt on my own journey to conceive (almost five years now). The traditional medical treatments of infertility are harsh and forced. It all seemed a bit calloused and cold so we have stepped away from it to let ourselves heal and enjoy life again! I am excited for you and your new beginning. Good things are in store for you. Be well!

September 26, 2007 at 12:10:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Oh goodness, did my face contort when I read what that doctor said to you, all with a complete absence of heart and care for the situation.

But then I smiled because though you gave yourself the time you needed to deal with that carelessness, you then turned to the most important source of your healing, and that is yourself and your soul.

Despite the delivery of the results, wonderful news that you are clear and fresh...this is what really matters in regards to that visit.

And I am celebrating both for this, as well as for your calm...beautiful you.

Love you.xoxoxo

September 26, 2007 at 12:51:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Intrepidflame said...

You are such a beautiful soul. Just wanted to say hi and that I am still here reading and wishing you the best. In your stories I see a piece of all of us...and I know you/we will get through this.

September 26, 2007 at 1:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Amber said...

I know exactly how you feel...it's a tightrope of emotions that you walk when you're on the infertility journey. The difference between a good gyno/RE and a great one are the ones who treat the entire patient...emotions and spirit included. A GREAT doctor would at a minimum have some notes in her file to jog her memory. Hell, even a good hairdresser does that! Sorry, not trying to add fuel to the fire, but it's a frustration of mine, too, with many doctors. That said, I am happy to read you received good news and that you are feeling at peace. You look lovely! Best wishes!

September 26, 2007 at 1:15:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Maddie said...

you DO radiate calmness in your
photo - and a tremendous soulfulness - and the luminous beauty of
motherhood - I can see it in your
eyes...peace to you and joy:)

September 26, 2007 at 1:56:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm always amazed when I read your blog - how you can radiate such a sense of both gentleness and strength at the same time. I've been following your blog for... maybe 7 or 8 months or so and it is emotionally exhausting. haha! I can't imagine how it must be on your end. There's so much anticipation in it all though - your story is a wonderful one. It's always a lovely read, even on your "down" days. The thing I am waiting for though, is the post you make that contains just two words... and I think I won't have to wait very long at all. And when you do, I'll be among the many reading that will be cheering with you and for you. I think today is the best day to tell you this. I appreciate you sharing this journey with us all.

:)

September 26, 2007 at 4:32:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

i have been reading all your comments here, so amazing honey.

andrea's picture definitely captures your graceful calmness and i love your angel reading. so affirming.

you consistently display such a gift in expressing your emotions with insight and thoughtfulness.

loving you and your pretty pink uterus. xoxo

September 26, 2007 at 5:03:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous lunarmusings said...

I am so glad that you have found your way back to your center, and that the news, albeit delivered badly, is actually good. Your experience is exactly why I'm doing this Wellness Wednesday series. We are truly our own best doctors, barometers, and advocates. Sadly our medical system keeps us in such a state of disempowering fear. sigh... its sad to think of all the people who turn to doctors for help and hope only to be treated like a number, a symptom, or another problem as oppose to a living, feeling, breathing human soul.

Blessings to you dearest... you are in an amazing place of healing and I celebrate you.

September 26, 2007 at 5:11:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Irie said...

When I was 22 I was told that I needed to think about having children because by the time I would turn 35 I would have to have everything removed. However, I was able to have a baby and my husband and I trying for another. I have faith that my body isn't broken or needs *something*- I'll be blessed with a baby soon enough. I have the same feeling for you.

September 26, 2007 at 6:44:00 PM PDT  
Blogger enchantedartist said...

Your entry here has really touched me. So much so that I'm putting myself out there. First, let me say I feel for you in regards to your doctor's approach. I have been in that situation before, and I know how lousy it can make you feel to not be heard...especially when you are most vulernable. The thing is, they are trained to stay detached and just dole out their scientific stats and facts. But we know better. Everyday people beat the odds...statistics are numbers...not living, breathing souls.
I hope you recognize that you have handled this situation with grace. Take solice in your health, your beautiful marriage, and the story yet to unfold...with an undoubtedly happy ending.
Brightest Blessings to You!

September 26, 2007 at 8:49:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I have to say it again love...you are my shero in so many ways.

So happy you share all these feelings.

Love and snuggles
toe to toe

September 27, 2007 at 3:54:00 AM PDT  
Blogger PaintingChef said...

Isn't Lianne amazing? She has given me and my husband so much hope on our fertility journey as well. I'm just so full of love for you right now.

September 27, 2007 at 6:26:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Honey said...

You look so at peace here. That is your internal well showing through. I came across this group www.laughingsagewellness.com via Sera Beak (The Red Book) and thought I would share. I believe you are already well on your way down this path, but in case you'd like another resource that is of similar spirit.

Peace and Love

September 27, 2007 at 7:32:00 AM PDT  
Blogger daisies said...

i adore this photo of you, it really does capture a beautiful sense of calm, inner strength and gentle beauty ...

... am so sorry that you had that experience which i know so well but your ability to rise up above it and reach out to the positive energy that is in you ... makes me smile and it really is dance up and down happy news that you are clear and fresh and that makes my heart smile ... smiling over here for you : ) xoxox

September 27, 2007 at 9:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger debi said...

having found you by following link after link, i've been following your journey for the last year or so, quietly, from the sidelines, and sending out good girlie energy. i am so impressed (and a little envious) that you have the courage and ability to be so open about everything you are and have been going through - i wish i were that girl. so many of your posts that i have read have touched me for many different reasons, and for whatever reason, i've never spoken up, but having had doctors who you have told the whole story to somehow, um... forget? yeah i know they're super busy but holy smokes, come on. anyway, i will continue to send you the best of thoughts, luck and love for the baby that will surely come. oh, and happy, happy birthday - it just keeps getting better.

September 27, 2007 at 10:11:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Lucia said...

You are so beautiful, and so are your words. x

September 27, 2007 at 11:16:00 AM PDT  
Blogger jenica said...

hey beautimous.

thank you for your warmth, your gentle spirit, your beauty, and your openness.

i can't wait to see that gorgeous lil boho growing inside your pretty pink uterus. ;-D

i don't understand how doctors can forget their patients. i worked at a candy store and i still remember what candy our regulars would come and pick up. and it wasn't the candy that i remembered, it was their faces and their enjoyment... that's what made me remember them. i think that you would be an orange truffle type of lady... soft and sweet on the inside, with a gentle hug of chocolate on the outside. totally worth remembering ;-D
(((bighugs)))

September 27, 2007 at 1:58:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

Lovely photo of you and yes you do look more at peace. I have sooo much faith that things will work out for you and your newly free pretty insides. Alas, many doctors have NO bedside manner and it sounds like your gyno is no exception. But we are all here to celebrate with you!

It's going to happen, Denise. I can FEEL it.

September 27, 2007 at 8:56:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous patricia said...

i've had traditional and alternative providers, some good, some bad, the good ones i stick with because we resonate on a level and actually connect personally (chat about our families, aging, parenting, that sort of thing)...we get to know each other as friends within the context of our professional relationship, if that makes any sense, so i don't understand when this happens...maybe she remembers your face, but forgot your story -- i don't know? but it's strange to me -- if you're in the people business then you should know your people...i would say call her and talk to her about how upset you were (because you just might get an apology), but on the other hand, i'd say save your energy for the soul that's coming...you follow your heart well, denise...i admire that...

September 28, 2007 at 7:27:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous the wild people ... and a dog said...

dear boho girl,
i'm in awe:) your words brought back my extra-similar experiences with doctors. disheartening. after a while, i had to step away. (we now have 3 beautiful wild munchkins without medical intervention, after 5 years of *trying*.) it's amazing to hear you process ... and i really want to say it this: this processing, letting things pass through and not onto people, is part of what any parent would wish for in their toolbox ... no matter how much children are wanted, there are times where the going is a little steep, where letting things flow through is really the answer - and you're already doing the work of parenting ... :) in reflection on our journey, i can see how all the work we did whilst TTC really was about making us closer the parents we wanted to be ... and we're still learning ....
pink hugs ...

September 28, 2007 at 11:43:00 AM PDT  

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