a trip back to calmness*
me at cafe gratitude in berkeley, taken by andrea with my camera
The trend over the last few years has been that I typically need a few days to recover emotionally in the aftermath of a doctor visit. I think since I am a glass half full kind of gal, I always go into these appointments with hope that me and my doc will be somewhat in sync about what is best for my body. Even though its been my experience that this isn't the case, I still carry hope.
My gyno is in her earliest stages of pregnancy and I sensed yesterday that she was not in the best of places physically and mentally. She walked in looking dazed and confused and out of breath. Being the empath that I am, I immediately picked up on the fact that she'd much rather be in bed curled up in her pajamas eating a huge bowl of ice cream with salted crackers on the side than dealing with a patient.
I won't divulge all the unnecessary details but in a nutshell, she told me I have stage 2 endometriosis. There are 4 stages. So, this is a good thing. She showed me the before and after pictures of my lovely pink insides. That was a bit shocking to look at. My poor ovaries have been suffocating for a few years and now they're perfectly white and free. Yay.
The bummer part was that when she was finished showing me the pictures, she asked me a question that blew me completely away. "So, are you trying to conceive right now because if you're not, I suggest you take the birth control pill which will suppress the endo returning."
It was then that I realized she didn't remember who I was. She had forgotten our story of trying to conceive for three...yes three years. I realize being one of the top gyno's in the city means you have far too many patients to deal with but I would think you would keep special note of tender emotional heart wrenching cases like ours.
I had to repeat the journey details and while nodding with a blank look on her face, proceeded to tell me that if we don't conceive in 6 months, I should go back to a fertility specialist and take hormones and do treatments because I'm "not getting any younger" and la la la. Here we go with the statistics again. Wow...okay, well...been there, done that...time to go. buh bye.
It's the same insensitive routine they all get into and I realize this is to be expected with traditional medicine. My expectations were a bit too high this time, I suppose. I wanted her to come in with excitement that my womb is all pretty in pink and tell me to have a blast with my hubs before getting into the doom and gloom, you know? I wanted her to ask me what I am comfortable doing as far as treatment at this point and that is when I was going to tell her about all the alternative treatments I am researching. I imagined it was going to be a mini-celebration of sorts that we are in a sense starting over and our chances have increased ten-fold. Rather, she wanted to do her part in instilling fear in me by putting a pin in my hope balloon.
So, I came home, emailed some of my darling friends to vent and cried on the phone with my husband. Well, cried the rest of the day, really...and just let my disappointment flow through me. It takes time for me to bounce back from these sort of things but I always do.
The last few months I have been protecting myself from outside influences such as this but in this case, I had to have surgery and knew I would be opening myself up to a more narrow minded way of thinking again.
I'm okay though. Today I am in a much better place. I've come so far, too far to let this all filter into my heart deeply. It was another opportunity for me to bring out all the tools I've learned to center myself again and remember that I am way more intimate with my body than a gyno that sees me once a year for a check-up. I am grateful that she used her gift to get rid of stuff that needn't be inside me and did a damn good job of it.
I took some time later that night to read back on all the juicy post-endo surgery pregnancy stories you all left for me in my comments a few blog posts ago. I then allowed myself a day today of taking down all the magical books that have taught me much wisdom about this journey. I replenished my cells with this delicious "I Am Healthy" water all day. I breathed deeply. I lit candles. I listened quietly. I teamed up with my body again and we both are tuning out my grumpy hormonal gyno and tuning into what feels right.
Tonight I had an angel reading over the phone with a very gentle and gifted soul. We had scheduled this session long before I knew that it would be following my post-op appointment. I felt so loved and cared for with divine timing. The reading confirmed so much of what I believe in my heart. It was full of awe, joyful tears, gasps, chills, comfort, healing and a wrapping around me of so much love. Ahhhhhh....breathing in the truth again.
I often don't like photographs that other people take of me but this one above brings me peace. I know its a bit blurry because I had moved but I like how she captured a calmness that is living in my heart these days. People have been noticing this about me and I feel it truly shows here. Thank you, A.