i just played...

father & son photo session, canon digital rebel xti

I finished processing the photos from this session last night with tears in my eyes. It's difficult to express in words what transpired as I loaded them up in a gallery, listening to the Cinematic Orchestra swirl around me. It was a deep knowing that I am where I am supposed to be. I am not used to feeling this deeply with a career. It's a dream for me. It is something I witnessed in others throughout my life but wasn't quite sure if I was capable of getting there. That place where you just know "this is me". That place where you are feeling truly authentic in your work.

With photography, it is easy to be overwhelmed or to feel intimidated. There is a huge technical part of it that if I allow it to, can paralyze me with self doubt. I've never been the type of artist that goes from A to Z or read manuals front to back. Trust me...I've tried and I've always felt the creativity pulled from underneath me. For me its always been freedom and playfulness and sometimes I'll get to a place and not remember how I got there when people ask me what I did. That's how I work. There are a lot of brilliant photographers out there that are very keen on the technical bits, which I think is amazing and a gift. Most of the time, they'll just assume I know what they're talking about. In the past this has created a "smaller~ness" within me about my art.

Last night I didn't feel small. I felt wide open and free and came to a place where I accepted that this is how I work and thrive with my creativity. This is me being authentic and embracing that I need balance with learning the techie bits but then letting go of the "this is how it is supposed to look, feel or be." I've never understood how anyone could determine what is right or wrong about someone's personal art, anyways.

I received a call last night from a client in tears because they were so touched by the emotion that was captured in their photographs. This is partly them and their juicy relationship and partly me letting go and exploring it with them during the session and processing. With my last few sessions I have had to stop while working on a photo because I am filled with wild and free emotions and I just need to dance or cry or twirl or laugh.

To me, those emotions, as well as the tears from my client are a beautiful confirmation and blessing that I'm on a fulfilling path. I am so grateful for this right now in my life because a few other paths that I am on, namely my fertility one, are really tough to work through.

So, I hung up that phone and felt like the next time I find myself talking to a brilliant photographer that knows their shit, I will be okay saying..."I have no idea how I did this. I just played."

(i've updated my website with a few new photos. if you've viewed my site before, be sure to clear your cookies before looking at it again so you don't get the old stuff!)