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Thursday, November 1

she reminded me...


me, photo by susannah

i've been really weepy the last few days
feeling conflicted and tight in my heart and belly
i've promised myself a new journey
setting aside those books to help me make a baby,
and nurturing other parts of me that have been lost

but what feels so natural is hard to let go of
and it leads to guilt
so i have felt paralyzed between the two worlds
confused at how to balance them, bring them together
and its coming out in tears
falling
spilling
filling up a huge well of conflicting emotions.

she reminded me that the wisdom i've gained these last three years is within,
that i've worked really hard and have been brave, disciplined, committed
and i already know what to do and no longer need those books
that i don't realize i am living out what i've learned each day
and with all this work i am open and fertile already.

she reminded me that this is why i am ready to move forward
that it doesn't mean i am giving up, turning away or not welcoming a baby
but it means i am nurturing the whole of me,
and that is the best example we can live out for our children.

i'm not choosing one or the other.
i'm choosing both.

this journey has been the most heart wrenching,
most beautiful
most confusing
most enlightening path i've ever walked.

she reminded me and gave me permission.
sometimes that is all we need.

21 Comments:

Blogger Susannah said...

she is very wise.. and so are you, my angel... it never has to be 'all or nothing' - it can be an integrated journey, with one path feeding the other until we realise that it's all the same path.. love you xxo

November 1, 2007 at 8:54:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

T is indeed very wise, but you need to be gentle with yourself and allow this transition and this integration to come to you. It won't happen overnight; it will happen in gentle waves as you settle into this new balance and reintroduce some of your loves in new and wonderful ways.

The last last two weeks were ones of love, connection, growth and breakthroughs. Now is the time to make sense of all of that and continue to open yourself up to the possiblities that the wisdom of this journey will hold your hand with.

What would we do without our soul friends to remind us of strengths and hold our hand through it all. *smile*

Sending you love.xoxoxo

November 1, 2007 at 9:22:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Schmoops said...

she is indeed a wise beauty, as are you.

it's not about choosing one or the other, it's about honoring both ~ the best gift you can give as a mother.

love you angel. xoxo

scrumptious photo

November 1, 2007 at 10:02:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Darlene said...

You've already done one of the hardest parts...you jumped off the cliff and now the free falling begins. (faith)

My arms are reaching out, so that I can paticipate in the joy, that is yet to come.

loving you,
xOx Darlene

November 1, 2007 at 10:12:00 AM PDT  
Blogger kristen said...

have faith...you'll get there.

November 1, 2007 at 10:20:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous Jessica said...

you are a wise strong woman. this journey of yours is and has taught you so many things and I am proud that you have embraced it all. you are beautiful, inside and out.

November 1, 2007 at 10:33:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

Putting into place, the changes that we embrace, is overwhelming. There's the let-down of having a quiet week after being surrounded by your lovelies and it allows for the questions to seep in, especially when there's the unknown.
You are so strong and you have such a beautiful support system, I'm glad that Thea was able to lead you to the wisdom you carry inside.

November 1, 2007 at 10:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Nessie Noodle said...

I have been following along with your words for the past fwe months... we are also trying to start a family, and so much of what you say ans what you are going through rings true to me.

I raelly love the idea that we must care for ourselves in full way in order to have part of us function properly- other wise it would be like only walking with one leg.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us-
I wish you all the best on this journey. And know that your photos and your words inspire and spark creativity in me. Thank you.

hugs to you today-
no guilt, now faults- only love.

November 1, 2007 at 10:48:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

that thea is amazing like that isn't she...

November 1, 2007 at 11:19:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

ps--i forgot to tell you how absolutely beautiful you are in this pic...well, in all your pics...

November 1, 2007 at 11:20:00 AM PDT  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

such a beautiful and stunning photo taken by a dear friend...
such wise and wonderful truths spoken by another.

allow yourself the time you need to find this new balance...
be gentle with youself as you learn to welcome both ;-)

love to you,
kirsten
xo

November 1, 2007 at 11:46:00 AM PDT  
Anonymous mccabe said...

i am sooo very happy that you have all these wonderful souls to remind you of your truest, most authentic self. i don't think we are always meant to do it alone-why else would we make these soul connections?

as your friend,
i will stand by you in all of your feelings and struggles that surface. your sharings are a precious gift, and i thank you for that.

on a sidenote-
this has to be one of my most favorite photos of you and i want a copy!!

always thinking of you,
kiss kiss
mcmermie xx

November 1, 2007 at 12:56:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous lostgirlfound said...

I do not know you, but you are beautiful and so is your verbal wisdom. Thank you for your openess and vulnerability ... peace as you walk whatever path is next!

November 1, 2007 at 2:43:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Lianne said...

Honey, the children are coming. Remember that. One minute you are weeping and then next, poof! there is a baby in your arms.

I promise. They promised.

Loving you!

November 1, 2007 at 3:23:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Thit post-I read it and cried-cried because as I read it I heard your voice saying all that to me too.

I am so so so blessed and unabashedly lucky to have you in my life.

I love you darling toe to toe

November 1, 2007 at 5:47:00 PM PDT  
Blogger tiny noises said...

love love love. love yourself; love your boho boy; love your life and the rest will follow.

(if only it were that easey, no?)

we all know you are on the right path, thanks for sharing.

November 1, 2007 at 9:38:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Swirly said...

I'm just commenting again to say I miss you. :)

November 1, 2007 at 9:46:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Frida said...

amen. you are living in your very own and very unique way all the best of what your have learned. making it all work for you - finding your own balance in it all. lucky there are so many of us - that way if each of us has something wise to say on day in ten the other days are covered. right?

love you babe. xx

November 1, 2007 at 10:00:00 PM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

thank goodness for good, wise friends like her. She gave you truth.

hugs

November 2, 2007 at 6:05:00 AM PDT  
Blogger brittany said...

by the way,snaps to Suz--I love the banner!

November 2, 2007 at 6:06:00 AM PDT  
Blogger megg said...

WHOA. When you read the email I just sent you you will see why I wrote WHOA!!

OH - LOVE - YOU - DEARLY.

xo

November 2, 2007 at 7:41:00 AM PDT  

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