she reminded me...
me, photo by susannah
i've been really weepy the last few days
feeling conflicted and tight in my heart and belly
i've promised myself a new journey
setting aside those books to help me make a baby,
and nurturing other parts of me that have been lost
but what feels so natural is hard to let go of
and it leads to guilt
so i have felt paralyzed between the two worlds
confused at how to balance them, bring them together
and its coming out in tears
filling up a huge well of conflicting emotions.
she reminded me that the wisdom i've gained these last three years is within,
that i've worked really hard and have been brave, disciplined, committed
and i already know what to do and no longer need those books
that i don't realize i am living out what i've learned each day
and with all this work i am open and fertile already.
she reminded me that this is why i am ready to move forward
that it doesn't mean i am giving up, turning away or not welcoming a baby
but it means i am nurturing the whole of me,
and that is the best example we can live out for our children.
i'm not choosing one or the other.
i'm choosing both.
this journey has been the most heart wrenching,
most enlightening path i've ever walked.
she reminded me and gave me permission.
sometimes that is all we need.