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Monday, November 19

spc - what i wear {week 3}


self mirror portrait, canon digital rebel xti

Earlier this morning I wrote a post about how today I am sitting with some feelings of anger over this three year journey to conceive of mine. I explained how a very healthy phone conversation with a wise friend gave me permission to open up that feeling of anger that I have been shoving and not dealing with. I expressed that I am not comfortable with anger but am learning how to feel it and let it move through me and that this is okay. I even listed a few reasons why I feel a bit angry.

Then I got a comment that told me that it might be a good idea to not over think all of this. That I might want to not worry so much and perhaps focus on the good and happy feelings. That I sound emotionally exhausted and perhaps a long period of distraction is what I need.

Wow.

This made me realize that I am not willing to open up a dialog on how I need to be fixed. I am not open to receiving advice from someone who doesn't know my whole story. I can imagine their intentions came from a helpful place and I appreciate and recognize that. I felt the need to write back and say..."hey...wait...my whole point was that ALL i focus on is the good and happy feelings and i need to be okay with the ugly ones!"...but that felt like I had something to prove, which I don't.

So I took that post down and that felt really empowering because I am just not in the mood to try and justify my feelings or self right now. The thought of that feels disempowering.

I don't need to be fixed. I just need to be heard. I don't need to be told that I should try and feel something different than I am feeling. I just need to feel. I feel and have felt so many of you love me and lifting me up, believing in me, understanding me and speaking affirmations of fertility and strength on my behalf. I will remember that today. Those are the things I need.

I spoke to my husband on the phone a bit ago and he was his usual, zen, wise beautiful self and said "We will allow ourselves to be excited every month and we will also allow ourselves to be sad or angry. We'll get through this, honey...we will."

Yes, we will.

This reminds me of my dear friend Andrea's post "advice about advice". Such wisdom and beauty and it really resonates with me today. It is something I need to refer to when a loved one is going through a rough time and I feel the urge to fix them. When really all they need me to do is listen and validate and love.

51 Comments:

Anonymous andrea scher said...

you are a powerful, wise and beautiful.

I love your fire.

Love you.a

November 19, 2007 at 4:47:00 PM PST  
Anonymous jen said...

sing it lovely one
sing it loud and strong
sing whatever comes out of you

dancing in your direction,
jen

November 19, 2007 at 4:53:00 PM PST  
Blogger Swirly said...

What the world needs more than anything is honesty, and I think the best thing you can for yourself - and the world - is be truthful about your feelings and fully present with whatever they are. I love you!!

November 19, 2007 at 5:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger deirdre said...

Life would be so much easier if all we had to do was focus on the good stuff. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It's incredibly wise and healthy that you let all the emotions flow through without trying to change or block them.

I am happy to bear witness to what ever you choose to share here.

November 19, 2007 at 5:12:00 PM PST  
Anonymous amy said...

wise and beautiful words from you.. and from your husband. your willingness to be open and honesty is a precious thing.

November 19, 2007 at 5:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger cheeky said...

I commend the courage you have to express yourself freely. Honest, raw emotions are really exposure; exposure of self and your vulnerability. I'm here to say I don't know if I could be so brave to put it out there, take that step. Again, I really admire this quality you have to share yourself. Do what feels comfortable for you. It is your place to express yourself however you choose and don't ever let anyone try to tell you differently.
Keep being you + true and you and it will = *true self*
love to you
xo

November 19, 2007 at 5:53:00 PM PST  
Blogger cheeky said...

duh........i completely forgot to say how much i dig this photo and the lovely dress. yummy!

November 19, 2007 at 5:55:00 PM PST  
Blogger brittany said...

it's so true. sometimes isn't it okay to just vent?! I give you permission to vent any time with me. heaven knows I need to vent. I wish I could on my blog, but what I need to vent about isn't just about me, it's about my whole family and they've asked me not to write about it on my blog. Which i can understand, but it frustrates me to have to be super private about such a huge part of my life right now.

sorry. tangent. I was just saying--vent any time. you truly do look at the positives and every time I come here I marvel at your strength and open-ness.

xo

ps thanx for the bd love:)

November 19, 2007 at 6:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger lu said...

Why do we blog? I blog for the need of witness; to be heard. Emotions run hot and cold, happy and sad. To ignore the anger and focus only on the happy stuff isn't honest. It's your space, write what you want, you've no obligation to anyone but yourself. I blog to work through the unworkable. In life I smile and carry on, but in my little room, I can take off the mask. When I wallow too much I back off and take a break, unless I want to wallow, then I dive in deep. Positive affirmation is great, but too much is like botox.

Get pissy, let it go.

November 19, 2007 at 8:12:00 PM PST  
Blogger nicole said...

first off, your dress is so pretty! second off, your strength and trust in yourself is so inspiring. take care of you. xx

November 19, 2007 at 8:28:00 PM PST  
Blogger Monique said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

November 19, 2007 at 9:49:00 PM PST  
Blogger Monique said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

November 19, 2007 at 9:52:00 PM PST  
Blogger Frieda said...

I just found out about your blog and loved your photographic style. and I was doubly surprised to see that you do live/work in Southern California. I will call you soon to have you take picture of my boys!!

November 19, 2007 at 9:55:00 PM PST  
Anonymous hubby (boho boy) said...

monique,
my wife is one of the most positive people i know. we've just had a rough few days. i/we are offended that you judged her on a few posts when you clearly don't know our full story.

not sure what you meant by "Boho-yes Woman" but we found that rude and hurtful.

but if there is such a thing...i am definitely a Boho-yes man.

November 19, 2007 at 10:21:00 PM PST  
Blogger ShelleyatOnTask said...

Hi Boho girl,

I think your honest and open posts are appreciated by so many people.

sincerley,

Shelley

November 19, 2007 at 10:29:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did Monique even read the post?

She must be young.

It's ok to be angry and negative.. get it out!

You inspire me Boho!

November 19, 2007 at 10:31:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Grayer said...

Dear Boho,
Grief comes in stages. It is good that you are embracing this stage of anger. I have been a long time reader (lurker) and you've been an inspiration to me and my wife on this journey.

We understand all you feel...and we have been where you are. Then we have good days and angry days and happy days. It's all in stages. I know you know this.

We thank you.

November 19, 2007 at 10:42:00 PM PST  
Blogger samin said...

thank you. your honesty gives me courage to be more honest, too. it's easy to want to be all sunny, all the time, but that's just not what's true, is it?

November 19, 2007 at 11:54:00 PM PST  
Blogger Indie Mama said...

Oh honey!

I don't have much to add...except perhaps that for me (and I'm guessing other people who've found you through your blog), your writing, and all your truths within has always been beautiful. Even when our emotions aren't pretty, they are beautiful because they are true.

You have every right to be whatever it is you need or want to be... and you are inspiring for being courageous enough to do it right here so that others can follow along, and celebrate all the curvy roads of life with you.

XXOO

PS - Fantastic dress!

November 20, 2007 at 1:29:00 AM PST  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

I didn't see what your negative commenter wrote but it's HER crap, not yours. I know you know that and I also know that regardless, people can be cruel and look for moments when you're vulnerable to throw you under the bus. It's HER crap.

I hope that despite a stranger's negativity, that you will continue to be honest and open with your posts - that's one of your strengths dear girl, I hope you know that too.

No one can say what's right for you and your man, no one. I hope that the naysayers realize that negativity has no place here and should find somewhere else to hang.

I love this photo by the way - I also love Treehouse28, thanks to you. xo

November 20, 2007 at 3:13:00 AM PST  
Blogger kate said...

you write so authentically Boho...there is nothing that creates more connection and more love than being brave enough to show people the real you. thanks for sharing your thoughts and your beautiful photos.

November 20, 2007 at 3:20:00 AM PST  
Blogger kate said...

you write so authentically Boho...there is nothing that creates more connection and more love than being brave enough to show people the real you. thanks for sharing your thoughts and your beautiful photos.

November 20, 2007 at 3:21:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what i do know, is that because of who you are, the child you and your husband will raise together, will have the incredible gift of learning to express all of his/her heart ~ that no part of him is "bad" ~ that he doesnt have to fake it ...
what i do know, is that you and c will provide to him/her the freedom and the healing strength that comes from being honest, sweeping out the depths, and being real.
what i do know is that for every moronic dingbat makes a crap comment, you have a fierce and loving tribe who truly gets and sees you for who you really are.
i love you d, you feel everything you need to ~
it is what makes you so alive and beautiful. it is what is preparing you to be the most incredibly wise and loving momma that you WILL be.

love you
jen gray

November 20, 2007 at 3:49:00 AM PST  
Blogger Vanessa said...

the dress and photo are beautiful.
as is your journey, your expression and your passionate way of living life -anger and happiness and all.
Vx

November 20, 2007 at 4:59:00 AM PST  
Blogger bee said...

jen's comment made me think of the carpeter's song, sing, which i'll quote with a few amendments.
"sing, sing a song/sing it loud, sing it strong/sing of good things and bad/sing of happy and sad"

what i admire so much about you and what i've been able to witness of your journey, is that you are so beautifully honest all the time.

at the same time, your words often help me to look at a situation in my own life where i should be more conscious...
(i think i've been trying to "fix" something. thank you for the reminder.)

your journey is (obviously?) yours...and i feel so blessed that you share it here. thank you.

as you follow your path, i send you peaceful energy to use as you see fit.

much love, sister.

November 20, 2007 at 5:00:00 AM PST  
Blogger Irish Girl said...

Listening and hearing you here. Anger is a normal part of infertility. I've tried the long period of distraction and it doesn't "fix" anything. You know what will? A baby. My baby. Your baby. I totally get it. Most people who've never been through it do not get it. Keep on being excited every month because one of these days it is going to be your time. I'm hopeful for you.

November 20, 2007 at 5:31:00 AM PST  
Anonymous patricia said...

do you remember andrea's post about the anger too? i think she was talking it over with her coach or someone and they were like, hell yeah girl, why aren't you angry and letting it out...something to that affect -- i may have it all backwards as my memory is, ahem, full of a lot of years and words...btw loved the post on your intuitive photography or just playing -- i love one of mark twain's expressions "i was pleased to reply i don't know."

November 20, 2007 at 6:43:00 AM PST  
Blogger dreamergirl said...

I hear you
i feel your strength
i love your words (and the boots and dress!)

Sending love to you both.

xo sil

November 20, 2007 at 10:44:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i not sure who said it but for some reason the phrase "Wake Up And Roar" comes to mind. i have the quote in a small frame near by bed! thinking of you -- and am here if you need to talk about anything!
xoxox
debra

November 20, 2007 at 10:59:00 AM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Baby-did I not leave a comment? I sore I had, but don't see it:(

I came back to say you are sexy-and I love this photo. The dress the boot-all of it.

I think your terribly brave to face the anger love. I know that I am terribly scared to most times, but your courage gives me courage-and I say YES YES YES!!!!!!!! to your bohofabulousness.

I think I am remebering this right-someone from the secret maybe-that anger turned inward = depression.

Let me tell you I am tired of the depression-I think it is time all of us women let the anger out-to be with it-so we can be truly blissful.

Love you
Toe to toe

November 20, 2007 at 11:27:00 AM PST  
Anonymous betty said...

you should never have to justify or explain how you feel. anger is very healthy.
beautiful photo, cowboy boots?

November 20, 2007 at 12:50:00 PM PST  
Blogger sweet expressions said...

I have been on your journey and I think what you are feeling is a natural process. you and your husband will have that child you long for
I feel that in my heart.

November 20, 2007 at 2:28:00 PM PST  
Blogger Schmoops said...

i love you
i love you
i love you

that's all i wanted to say.

oh, except i also love that dress,
those boots,
that mirror,
that daybed
and the brave boho girl that makes it all magical.

xoxo

November 20, 2007 at 2:59:00 PM PST  
Anonymous mccabe said...

rock on
pretty lady!!!!!!

so many of my deep issues
stem from stuck, unexpressed anger.

that shit needs to be up and out.

it takes a lot of guts to do what you do.
i admire the heck of you!

loving you....
mccabe xx

November 20, 2007 at 4:02:00 PM PST  
Blogger magicaldamselfly said...

Your feelings are yours and you have the right to lay them out on the table just as they are and we as your friends should not judge you or make you feel that you have to justify anything. What we should be doing, if we claim to be a blogging friend or any other kind of friend is send you all the love you can absorb.
So I am doing just that sending you all the love you can grasp and say lots of prayers for you on your journey.

::gentle hugs::
Sheila

November 20, 2007 at 5:36:00 PM PST  
Anonymous debbie said...

I remember going through something VERY difficult and many of the people who loved me had so much advice they wanted to bestow upon me. I understood where that desire was coming from -- they wanted me to no longer hurt. But hurting was exactly what I needed to be doing in that moment. I had surpressed the hurting for so many years. I finally had to say to each of them "I need you to love me enough to allow me to hurt". They heard me.

I can truly relate to that need to let yourself feel whatever it is you feel. My own personl mission is to live authentically. To be messy, unpolished, flawed and juicy and real ... and to allow every bit of it without trying to make it tidy, correct, pretty or right.

Sending you love and support no matter how you feel, what path you take or where you end up. I think you are beautiful in all conditions. We all are.

November 20, 2007 at 8:22:00 PM PST  
Blogger Shannon said...

I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your anger. Your words always amaze and inspire me. They amaze me because you have this ability to put my own feelings down on paper and you inspire me to let it out myself. It's a coincidence that just before reading your blog I had received an e-mail from a friend telling me that I shouldn't get upset when people tell me "try to relax" and "it'll happen". Well I do and it's okay. Let it out woman!

November 21, 2007 at 3:20:00 AM PST  
Anonymous bella said...

Opening up about our most private issues is not easy, and I really appreciate how much you share. I'm sorry that someone came into your space and tried to *de-energize* it. I hope that whatever you are feeling, you recognize and honor and move past when you are ready. So if you are sad, angry, or happy, those are your feelings - and those feelings never need to be justified to anyone. I'm here to listen and support.

November 21, 2007 at 5:32:00 AM PST  
Anonymous nashay said...

Dear Boho,
My name is Nashay and I am a longtime fan of your blog (and you, too!). I was one of the first people to leave a comment (about guilt) but I don't see it here. I was hoping that I didn't offend you with what I said. I was trying to say that of all the feelings you rightfully have and will have, I just hope guilt won't be one of them, although I realize that is inevitable. Please know that I would NEVER try to make you feel worse. I thought maybe my words could help in some way and that was how they were intended. Please forgive me if they did not do that. I love all of your blogs, and I never get sick of hearing you talk about your life's journey, no matter how good or bad you're feeling that day. I hope you know that you touch a lot of us out here and we feel like we are taking this journey with you. Just know that you are also shedding light on a painful subject that rarely gets talked about like the painful experience that it is, and that is very empowering. Thank you, and again; a big mea culpa if I hurt you. Sincerely, Nashay

November 21, 2007 at 8:43:00 AM PST  
Blogger Susannah said...

I just got back from my doctors appt and am sitting here looking like a drowned rat (it's rain HARD, and i didn't have an umbrella... and i just wanted to say... i love you... (and pass me that pillow ;-) xxoxoo

November 21, 2007 at 8:57:00 AM PST  
Blogger mia said...

Beautiful photo! I love the feeling of something old and used in your shot. I think it's because of warm colours and surface in the photo.

November 21, 2007 at 9:34:00 AM PST  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

nashay,
you are golden (and delicious).

i took down that previous post and with it all the comments went poof!

i appreciate your support and love...and the love of all of you.

my cup runneth over.
and over.
and over.

xoxo

November 21, 2007 at 9:57:00 AM PST  
Blogger PixieDust said...

Dear Boho,

I see that your comment moderation is on... I see that someone was rude and hurtful, and it saddens me to know someone could be confronted with your truth and beauty and still wish to cause you pain with thoughtless remarks... but I also see that you've stood your ground, that your husband, your friends, and bloggy tribe are just as adamant in their love for you... I see that you are one helluva-woman!!!

Sending you a hug, warm thoughts, and happy dreams...

:-)

November 21, 2007 at 2:54:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

beautiful boho,

it breaks my heart reading that yours has been hurt.
that a trust has been broken after everything you've given to so many of us here in this space.
i see the outpouring of love and support for you and your boy...and i wanted to add my love and support to the mix.
i think of you each and everyday. i am thankful for everything you have taught me in your patient, gentle and inspiring ways.
wrapping my arms around you as you nurture yourself through this.
love, love, love you,
xo
k

November 21, 2007 at 4:57:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

...and if i may add...
this photo is absolutely stunning!!!

November 21, 2007 at 4:58:00 PM PST  
Anonymous debbie said...

[Boho, it's OK if you don't post this comment, it is more for you than anyone else. I was just too tired to search for your email address and I wanted to add to what I wrote before]

when I was truly feeling anger for the first time, I mean TRULY feeling it, I remember being in my therapist's office and in between sobs and profanity and clenched fists I said what I was really afraid of --
I didn't want to be an angry person. I didn't want to be that person who can't see the good in life and who is mad at the world and is angry all the time and is a victim. Those were all of MY issues with anger coming up and saying "hey there". But when I was done letting it out, my wonderful therapist said to me "Deb, you are not an angry person. You are person who is feeling anger. And there is a big difference."

Those words forever changed my view on anger.

Happy Thanksgiving, beautiful.

November 21, 2007 at 10:03:00 PM PST  
Blogger Christianne said...

Hi Boho Girl,

It's been a couple of days since you posted this, but I wanted to come back and say that you have been on my mind a lot since all this happened. I keep feeling anxious (not sure what that's all about...), and I figured I might as well reach out and just say:

* You are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, both inside and out

* Your thoughts are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous

* Your feelings are beautiful, stunning, gorgeous

* Your photographs are, of course, deftly beautiful, stunning, and gorgeous

I have been praying often for you and Boho Boy. Even though we don't know each other, and it feels strange to pray for someone with whom I have never held a conversation, you have gripped my heart. I wish you well. I pray God's blessings upon you. I'm sorry you were hurt this week. I love that you are surrounded and lifted on the wings of love from all your lovely ladies.

November 22, 2007 at 9:17:00 AM PST  
Blogger Maddie said...

...you look stunning in this photo:)

November 22, 2007 at 11:56:00 AM PST  
Blogger LADY LUXIE said...

I remember..there was that one time when a first time reader of my blog said very very very hurtful words to me because of what I wrote. She clearly didn't know me and the thread of my thoughts and based her judgment on that one post..

What I'm trying to say is...I understand where you're coming from....and how brave of you to say " whoaaaa...hoold it" and how wise to be able to discern and put into words exactly what it is you your feelings are...

November 25, 2007 at 7:00:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Yes Is A World said...

amen, sista!
you go ahead and you feel whatever you want or need to feel. be empowered. be confused. be happy. be sad. be it all.

i only wish if i was were in position that i would be able to handle it with all the grace and wisdom that you do.

may you have a very happy holidays.

November 25, 2007 at 9:51:00 AM PST  
Blogger pink sky said...

sometimes the best feedback is silence :) xo

November 25, 2007 at 10:28:00 AM PST  

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