spc - what i wear {week 4}

me & my joy necklace, canon digital rebel xti

I truly believe in the intention that an artist pours into creating something beautiful with a message meant to dance into our world. My lovely friend Andrea does just that with her gorgeous Superhero jewels. Anyone who wears them indeed feels like a Superhero but also, each particular gem has its own message that permeates hearts and souls. The one I've worn most lately is Joy. Not only because its cheery colors are stunning and match most all my outfits but more importantly because I've needed to feel Joy.

Joy is something that most of my life came quite easy to me. I was that girl that always had a smile on her face, a cheery disposition, found the positive in any situation or laughed in the midst of tears. I think all these years of being such a happy, upbeat person created an expectation in others of me to always be this way and in turn, I put this expectation on myself. I think this may be why I was uncomfortable with feelings of anger or long periods of sadness. Not only was I afraid that others wouldn't accept me if I felt this way but I was afraid to accept it myself. I pushed it down deep and didn't know how to process those feelings. I talked about this a few blog posts ago.

I remember sitting in therapy a few months back and opening up about one of my fertility specialists. My husband and I tried so hard to do all he asked of us and we were so proud of our test results but our doctor just had this negative..."it's still not enough" attitude towards us. My therapist asked me if I was angry at him. I responded..."Yes, I guess I am angry at him." With a gentle grin she said..."Denise, you said that with a huge smile on your face. Do you know how to be angry?" I laughed and laughed... and we laughed together and then I cried. Her suggestion was to write my doctor a letter about how angry I feel and what that means to me. So reluctantly, I did. It is now written in the pages of my journal. I am still processing it all but in all honesty, it was very empowering for me.

You see...my fertility journey has left me with these very foreign feelings of depression. I didn't think I was capable of being depressed. With these feelings are a lot of sadness and disappointment but also some anger. If people were to meet me for the first time or to spend any amount of time with me they would not suspect I am depressed. I still am that girl that sees life with a glass half full and those of you that have been reading my blog the past few years know that I have been extremely positive and hopeful on this journey. What I've noticed though, is that joy doesn't come as easy to me as it used to. Some days I have to wake up and find it, where as before it was floating around me at will. What I've been aware of though, is that when joy comes, I FEEL it so much deeper than I used to. I think this is because when you are coming from a place of sorrow, joy feels so much sweeter. I cry about five times a day from joyful thoughts (well...and sad ones too).

A sweet friend of mine has said for a long time now that "Joy is an option". I never quite understood what that truly meant until recently when I found myself in a place where I had to actually choose joy. What that means to me is putting my Joy necklace on, or visualizing all the blessings in my life, or losing myself in my husbands chest or finding humor with a friend on a really sad day. It means taking a walk on the beach and feeling grateful for the ocean or making time for that yoga class, or spilling out paints or taking my camera on a field trip, dancing in my studio, praying, meditating... and so, so many things.

It's a choice we can make in those moments when we feel strong enough to choose. Sometimes we don't feel strong enough. Sometimes we need time to feel our sadness and anger and lose ourselves in wine or television or cry for a week or vent to those that resonate with our story but eventually, yes eventually...we pick ourselves up and search for that joy. Even if in small ways. I am learning to embrace all these parts of myself and to be honest about them with me and my loved ones.

Last week I needed to sit with my sadness and anger. This week...I would like to choose joy.

What does choosing joy mean to you?

find other spc peeps here.