Monday, November 12

SPT ~ what i wear {week two}

self portrait, december 2006

When browsing through my huge collection of pictures to try and find one of me styled up with "what I wear", I found this one taken in December last year.

It brought back a flood of emotions because I remember when I took this photo I was so centered on my journey to conceive. It had been just a few months since Boho Boy and I started going to a new holistic doctor. We were on a new diet, taking new herbs and feeling so, so much hope. In fact, when looking at the date of this photo taken, in comparison to my fertility chart I used to keep...there was a good chance I could have been pregnant. Meaning, it was a week past ovulation and the possibility in my mind and heart was huge.

It would have never crossed my mind that a year from when this photo was taken, I would still not have our baby in my arms.

I just read a very raw, rich, beautiful blog post from a dear sweet friend of mine that was full of truth speaking about her depression. She had gently asked for no advice but just stories of others suffering from these feelings. Her truthfulness inspired me to search down deep for a place where I can come meet her, hold her hand, nod my head in understanding and sit in silence with the knowledge that she is not alone.

I told her in a comment that another dear friend of mine whom had gone through her own (in)fertility journey but is now a mother, once told me that her depression never quite lifted until she held her baby in her arms.

The thought that I am depressed is not all that new to me. Depression comes in all forms and it wasn't but a few months ago when I was brave enough to go to a therapist so that I could move through it. I am no longer curled up in a ball in the corner of my room and have indeed moved through so much of it but down in the very depths of my heart is this ache that never goes away. It is an ache that can spill out of me even when I least expect it to. Even when I am laughing and feeling completely blissful. It can be triggered with the site of a pregnant woman or a beautiful baby or a quote or a film and so on. It can stop me in my happy tracks and drain me with sadness for a few days at a time. It can make this open heart of mine withdraw from family and friends. With this ache is the fear that I will never experience what it is like to hold a baby in my belly and give it life for nine months. With this ache is the fear that if I have a hard time believing I am able to get pregnant, that those thoughts will create that outcome. With this ache is a longing so primal that it is completely out of my control. With this ache is the knowledge that everything I am feeling, my sweet beautiful husband feels along with me and there is nothing I can say or do to soothe his own sacred ache. With this ache is a worry that on this blog I continue to repeat these feelings every few months and that my friends, family and blog readers will roll their eyes and wish I could get over this. With this ache there is a shame in all this that I am not proud of.

I am a week past ovulation on the second month since my surgery where I am supposed to be the most fertile I have been in three years since this journey began. I cannot even begin to explain how many emotions have surfaced in the last few days and how it has taken almost every ounce of my energy to try and move through each day and focus on all my blessings. One would think that this diagnosis of being fertile would create even more hope but what I have found is that with that extra morsel of hope, comes more fear of disappointment. Hand in hand.

I go through so many of these emotions quietly because I am afraid to annoy my loved ones. Afraid that they'll throw their hands up in frustration because I have been such a pillar, an example, a wise, strong woman in their eyes and now this? Afraid that they will see this unfolding as weakness rather than strength.

I know I have walked this journey with my head held high. I know I've been (and still am) a fighter, a survivor, a glass half full human being. I am proud of myself for all of this. I feel brave. I feel strong. I feel wiser and more deep and more me. I feel grateful for all that has come into my life as a result of this journey: my friends, my photo opportunities, my potential book deals, my inspirations.

But no matter how much I pour myself into all these things and try to convince myself that I don't need to be a mother when I am so blessed with this amazing life I have created...the pain is still there and it will be there until I have my baby. The baby I hear whispering to me every day that I want to hold, to teach, to nurture, to play with and to watch grow into one of the most amazing individuals I have ever known.

One of the many books I have read along the way asked a very important question. "What is it in your life that you think this baby will help replace, help fill up that you are perhaps neglecting within yourself?" I thought about this for a few months. I wrote stuff down. I tried to discover if it was something missing in my marriage or my own individual life. I couldn't come up with anything other than that I love my husband so much and think we have such a cool, amazing relationship and life together that I want to bring a love child into the mix with us. Simply just to share and to provide the world with another radically cool human being.

...and I miss that radically cool human being every day, so much.

So its not so much what my baby would replace that is missing in my life. For me, it is about what my baby would add to my already beautiful life.

So, what does this have to do with what I wear? Apparently I wear my heart on my sleeve even if I try to tuck it under once in awhile. Today, I let it out.

To echo my sweet friend's gentle request, please no advice giving or psychoanalysis but just the love and support you are so damn brilliant at. Thank you, sweet blog tribe.


Blogger gkgirl said...

you are never to worry
about people rolling their eyes
and thinking that this is too much...
this is your journey,
your life, your wants and needs...
you have every right to
voice it...to try to work it out,
to ask for support...

hugs to you...hugs and hugs and hugs

November 12, 2007 at 3:23:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if wearing your heart on your sleeve means being present and passionate about your life, acknowledging the parts of ourselves that ache and long...well sign me up. because i would much rather know that i'd lived my life fully, than to know that my life has passed on the woulda', coulda, shoulda.

November 12, 2007 at 3:42:00 PM PST  
Blogger PixieDust said...

No worries beautiful Boho, no one will roll their eyes at such depth of beauty... and as I told McCabe, I would have no advice for something that is so personal to your heart.

We've never met, and if we crossed each other on the street you would not know who I am, but even if I'd never seen your images here on your blog I would know you. Your strength would emanate from you, the heart on your sleeve a fierce light to be admired.

Sending you love, and if you don't mind a hug from a stranger - MMMMMM! there it is...


November 12, 2007 at 3:57:00 PM PST  
Blogger Stacy said...

you are crazy beautiful honey. your heart, your words, your emotions. you know i have been weepy today and now sitting here reading about what you wear, i am really weepy.

i love you and reach out to you with a warm, squishy, juicy hug and thousands of kisses.

November 12, 2007 at 3:58:00 PM PST  
Blogger Unknown said...

beautiful and brave. you are a lovely inspiration. thank you.

November 12, 2007 at 4:36:00 PM PST  
Blogger all over the map said...

It wouldn't matter if you repeated yourself 100 times and it was the *only* subject or topic you could express. I will never roll my eyes or lack compassion about the journey you are on, and I'm bettin' neither would anyone else in the bloggy tribe. You are an amazing, loving and beautiful soul. Sharing your thoughts, feelings, highs, lows, disappointments, achievements, insecurities, blessings, ideas and your true self are all gifts to each and every person who crosses your path.
Keep on doing what you are doing, being you.

November 12, 2007 at 5:16:00 PM PST  
Blogger Brandi Reynolds said...

I sincerely hope that anyone rolling their eyes will quietly find somewhere else to go. Your blog is beautiful and inspiring in many ways and I for one know what it's like to deal with issue in many subtle layers. Keep expressing.

November 12, 2007 at 5:37:00 PM PST  
Blogger tammy said...

dear sweet boho girl-

thank you for sharing that amazing heart with us my friend. i know i speak for many of us when i say that we are so blessed to be on this journey with you, and we will be here for you every step of the way. keep believing in yourself, in your body, amd most of all keep believing in that incredible love you share with boho boy. you are a strong, fierce and beautiful soul. i can't wait to catch up with you this week, until we do, know that you are deeply loved...


November 12, 2007 at 7:24:00 PM PST  
Blogger thisdreamergirl said...

Dear Spirit...

I cry for you as I read this... my heart goes out to you.. in this raw and amazingly emotional time... Just know that right now.. someone is thinking about you... wishing you well and sending you loving energy...

a fellow spirit.

November 12, 2007 at 7:25:00 PM PST  
Blogger Tanaya said...

Oh my. Your words have touched me so deeply here. Our stories are very different, but I feel, word for word, what you said here.

Thank you for giving me the words to my own story.

Wishing you love and light, Tanaya

November 12, 2007 at 8:44:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kathleen said...

lovelovelove to you.

November 12, 2007 at 8:44:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are not alone. you are held in the tender hearts of so many bright conscious women who dream and pray and cry right along with you. we are all moving through this with you -- healing, praying and surrendering. sending you a soft sigh and a little magic wish!

November 12, 2007 at 9:13:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have traveled your path and felt those raw emotions. It is hard and some don't understand but that is their problem not ours. Your heart is wonderful and don't try to take it from your sleeve. I feel the best and most caring souls wear their heart on their sleeve proudly. Praying that peace be with you in your journey.


November 12, 2007 at 11:05:00 PM PST  
Blogger Sarcomical said...

denise, you have no idea how brave i still think you are, and i don't even have the fortune to know you in real life.

i have expressed some really dark thoughts on my blog in the past as well, and while it doesn't always feel good to read them later on or see them repeating as you mentioned, it is still so very important and vital to have expressed. that's how i feel about it.

if anyone deserves to be a mother, you definitely do. when that day comes, and i hope it is soon, we will all be cheering so happily for you guys.


November 12, 2007 at 11:56:00 PM PST  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Tears, tears and more tears.....baby what a beautiful expression this is. It brought me right back and I want to tell you that I ache for you-I ache for that womb of yours to be full of life.

I curse the universe and shake my fists at the sky-I try to be brave for you-I try to hold it together, but sometimes I just cry-for I understand with the depths of my soul this aching feeling-this desire-this fear. I really do. I needed to read this-I never ever tire of hearing you-ever!

Love and snuggles
toe to toe

November 13, 2007 at 2:07:00 AM PST  
Blogger Susannah Conway said...

there's no eye-rolling happening over here, my little monkey, just the very desperate desire to jump on you and smother you in kisses.. we each have our story and we each are allowed to express it, whenever and however we need... how else would the ones who love us know how we feel? I carry your heart....

love you baby xxoo

November 13, 2007 at 3:22:00 AM PST  
Blogger gretchenaro said...

There is nothing so beautiful as honesty and truth. Keep up the good but oh-so-hard work, please. The world needs you!

hugs and kisses,
fellow heart on my sleeve wearer

November 13, 2007 at 4:54:00 AM PST  
Blogger Minerva Jane said...

please don't stop posting about this stuff, denise. your comments have given me so much comfort--maybe because you're able to articulate the very desperate feeling infertility brings.

i have a good feeling about this month, you know. (for you--I've been following your friend Shmoopy's journey too so I know how sometimes a simple surgery can make a world of differentce--and for me.

good things. and keep writing! nobody's rolling their eyes. they're just making sure their fingers are crossed.

November 13, 2007 at 4:59:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you wear your brave, strong, beautiful heart where ever you go -not always on your sleeve, sometimes tucked away in a warm, safe place. i can't tell you how privileged i am to have been given the chance to snuggle in a little closer to you and i only wish i were there to curl up on the couch together, cry together, smile together. just be together. i miss you darling and my heart is full of a melancholic feeling that comes from reading this and being too, too far away.

November 13, 2007 at 5:37:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although we have never met, it's amazing to me that you always manage to put my own feelings into words. I think you are an amazing person to be able to put those words on "paper", since I am still unable to talk about it let alone post it on my blog.

November 13, 2007 at 6:39:00 AM PST  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

This is such a beautifully written post...your words inspire me today, they really do. Wishing you well!

November 13, 2007 at 6:44:00 AM PST  
Blogger Swirly said...

Brave, wise warrior...I am so proud of you for opening up about this and wishing I was sitting next to you holding your hand and giving you a hug whenever you need it. I love you so much.

November 13, 2007 at 7:18:00 AM PST  
Blogger meghan said...

I love you - sending all of the love and support and hugs and bosom-snuggles you can handle.

November 13, 2007 at 7:28:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I pop in here every once in awhile to see if you're preggers yet. Not a doubt in my mind that one day I will visit your blog and see a pic of you with a glorious swelling belly.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing about your desires to have it happen.
You are a wise, strong, independent and enlightened girl who has a kick-ass husband and marriage...a sold foundation to raise a lucky little baby boho in.
Don't ever think you have some intangible need you're not conciously aware of...that's crap. You want to be a mother more than anything, and there's no need to feel wrong about the need to validate those intense emotions. Write them out as often as you feel. This is YOUR blog.
Your maturity and growth through this whole journey is a testament to all of us mothers, who take our pregnancies and babies for granted...because let's face it, some of us do.
I learn alot when I come here.
Keep documenting this heartened journey and one day it will be a beautiful gift for your child.

November 13, 2007 at 8:17:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a very beautiful post, I think hearts worn on sleeves never goes out of style or fashion... all good thoughts to you and your radically cool human being...

November 13, 2007 at 8:56:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the heart on my sleeve bows in loving acceptance to the heart on yours.

November 13, 2007 at 9:19:00 AM PST  
Blogger Rebecca Mongrain said...

A beautiful post about your longing. Thank you for sharing it with us and I do hope that one day soon your longing will produce something amazingly real for you will be an amazing mother when that time does come.

November 13, 2007 at 9:35:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is that you are a shiny star and an AMAZING PERSON.

November 13, 2007 at 9:42:00 AM PST  
Blogger Silvia said...

Sweetie, my eyes didnĀ“t roll and never will when reading your words. I'm sending you sparkly vibes and lots of love xOx

November 13, 2007 at 11:22:00 AM PST  
Blogger Lucia said...

My thoughts are with you. x

November 13, 2007 at 12:12:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've been keeping you in my intentions at my yoga classes...shanti shanti shanti peace namaste..

November 13, 2007 at 1:46:00 PM PST  
Blogger Lianne said...

You are perfect just the way you are. There is a spiritual process at work in your life.

I love you.

November 13, 2007 at 2:13:00 PM PST  
Blogger Ames and Mick said...

Everytime I visit I am moved by your words. That someone can be so connected and intune with their thoughts and emotions is incredible. You share so openly and with such trust, thank you for allowing us into your life. With such a love for life and self the inevitable can't be far behind.
Good luck and hugs.

November 13, 2007 at 2:36:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending love, sending love, sending love.



November 13, 2007 at 8:06:00 PM PST  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

this is a stunning photo and a brave and beautiful post.
sending you love,

November 13, 2007 at 8:22:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a fantastic post and an awesome photo. I think you are great. You are more than that - you are AMAZING**


November 13, 2007 at 8:43:00 PM PST  
Blogger Miriam said...

You are beautiful, and you are aware. Never apologize for being honest.

November 13, 2007 at 9:18:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

never stop writing about your journey! we're all lucky to have you share your beautiful and honest feelings with us.

sending you many happy thoughts and wishes.


November 13, 2007 at 11:26:00 PM PST  
Blogger samin said...

don't hold it in anymore--we are so here for you. let it all out, and fill yourself with the love we're sending.

November 14, 2007 at 8:25:00 AM PST  
Blogger daisies said...

wrapping you up in love and care, thinking about you and sending you hope and wishes floating on dreams, carved out in a light filled thought and tied with a pretty pink bow of smiling hugs. love to you. xox

November 14, 2007 at 11:55:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are one of the most beautiful souls I have had the honor of getting to know through your writings...the intimate feelings you share in this blog not only help you to heal, they touch so many of us in so many different ways. I want to tell you that you have "mothered" me in a special way...your passion for life, joy and love, your intense emotion and your creativity has taught me and inspired me. I think you are just plain cool. big hugs, me.

November 14, 2007 at 12:50:00 PM PST  
Blogger nicole said...

you are so wise and beautiful and strong. take care of you. xx

November 14, 2007 at 4:45:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know I think sometimes we all freak out when we think we are feeling something that we aren't "supposed" to feel. Its hard to deal with at times. I've felt it before, not wanting to be a burden on others - scared of other's judgements. But you are ok. We all are. I don't know what to say but I think you are amazing just the way you are and sometimes its ok to ask for help. You are not a burden to anyone - you are much loved and a beautiful soul. But its ok to worry about not being a burden on others too. Its a journey, and with each step we take, each turn we make, we learn a little more.

November 15, 2007 at 9:22:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your words resonate so deeply with me, every time. You have so many people rooting for you on this journey. Count this stranger as well! Our hearts ache and long for your baby to join you and oh my, what a celebration that day will bring for us all.

warm thoughts,

November 15, 2007 at 4:40:00 PM PST  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Your honesty is so inspiring. Thank you for being so brave. I struggle sometimes with some of these same things, and it is just really nice to know that when I beat myself up for feeling so alone...I know now that I am not alone. thank you...thank you...thank you!

November 15, 2007 at 6:19:00 PM PST  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

Deni... my tears are flowing for you.

I come here every now and again... because I am SURE one day soon I will see you ARE pregnant, you ARE carrying a {or twins?} beautiful bobo bebe in your womb.

Sometimes I dont even come here, I just think of you and think to myself "it wont be long now" and I whisper a prayer for you.

Today I do it again... and I thank you for continuing to share your journey.

You are a total inspiration to so many Deni.


November 15, 2007 at 8:41:00 PM PST  
Blogger madelyn said...

I think you are beautiful. And tender. I think you fill the world up with more love and the world
will give love back to you
many times over.

(warm loving hugs)

November 16, 2007 at 6:44:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have an amazing gift of expressing yourself in your writing. I feel many of the same things you feel, and I too just saw a therapist for the first time . I ache with you.

November 16, 2007 at 2:08:00 PM PST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...continued from above...I saw a therapist because of our long journey down the infertile highway. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Everyone deserves comfort and peace.

November 16, 2007 at 2:10:00 PM PST  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

thank you for your beautiful words that spill beautiful honesty from a beautiful soul

November 19, 2007 at 11:18:00 AM PST  

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