a friend's tattoo, canon digital rebel xti
A few days ago I arrived at my morning yoga class about 20 minutes early. I did this intentionally so that I could meditate before the class begun. I am someone that struggles with meditation. People that meet me wouldn't have that suspicion because I am soft spoken and have a calming effect on others. But inside my mind thoughts flow at lightening speed and with each thought there is analysis, philosophy, perhaps some obsessing here and there. It's difficult for me to hush those thousands of conversations going on inside my head. I think this is pretty normal and it is exactly why we need to meditate. All those voices and images can distract me from getting in touch with my body, my mind, my soul and I miss opportunities to gather all these parts of me into one sacred room where we can breathe together in unison and check in with one another.
I laid down on my yoga mat and my hands immediately went to my belly. The room was dark and there were few people in the studio. They were quiet. I was quiet. I asked myself why my hands made the choice to connect with my womb and what came back to me was..."You haven't checked in with us since the surgery. We went through it with you. You weren't alone." I took some deep, cleansing breaths and I focused on my reproductive organs. My two bold and beautiful ovaries, clean and gorgeous fallopian tubes and my warm and comforting uterus. I realized how much I miss spending time connecting with these parts of me. We are a team in this and I've been taking it all on myself. They were pushed and prodded and scraped and all I could think about was how much it hurt the days following but what about how they felt? I gathered with them in my womb and listened. A tear slipped down my cheek and into my ear as I heard how they were frightened to have strangers move them around but they braved through it and now they need me to believe in them with all of my heart. That they are working beautifully together as a team but miss me connecting and remembering that we're all in this together. They reassured me that they understood my frustrations and they apologized for their part in that but they wanted me to know they are trying their absolute best and nothing less and they want what I want and its hard for them too when it doesn't happen. I whispered to them in my mind that I am here. I am not leaving. I will work on believing and I am so grateful that they are working so hard and I will not take them for granted any longer. I will check in, give them love, encouragement and comfort. I will remember we are a team and none of us are in this alone.
The space we created together was soft, gentle and warm. No judgments or disappointments...just pure love and compassion. This warmth enveloped me and I felt completely safe.
I took a deep breath, wiped my tears and drew myself back to the studio. I opened my eyes and my instructor had sat down in front of us, the class was now full. I realized that I had just meditated. I was taken to another place and didn't hear anything going on around me. I meditated with my womb and it felt so, so good.
I've noticed a shift the last few days. I feel more of a calm in my heart. My mind feels a bit more clarity. I feel a tenderness towards my womb that I haven't felt in a very long time. A trust that had slipped away.
I think we forget how very hard our beautiful body works at taking care of us, protecting us from harm and working together to help us touch our dreams. We forget that we are not alone. We are a team with all of the physical, mental and spiritual parts of our selves.
Perhaps the awareness of this is a small part of staying centered.